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Original poster

Anyone else find out their dh is gay?

34 replies

FarmerBrian · 28/03/2021 21:34

I divorced after a long marriage. 23yrs. It became untenable for me, zero intimacy of any kind whatsoever & no sex for over a decade. In fact, I always used to think it was a miracle children were conceived at all. I don't want to reveal how I found out but my ex is not 'out'. He never made friends with my friends during marriage, our friends were his friends, who I got along well with. Now they all think I'm the biggest cunt from hell for ripping his life to pieces. Now I know, everything between us makes sense. Before we got together his friends thought he might be gay & they all used to joke around about it. When we first kissed, it was me kissing him. He didn't kiss me back. I remember thinking at the time where was his passion? And yet we went on to marry. In many ways it was a good & stable marriage until I couldn't bare the aloneness any more. He grew up in a culture where being gay is forbidden. We both knew his cousin was gay but no one spoke about it. That man lived his whole life with his mother.

It's taken me quite a time to process this & learn to be ok with the scorn of his friends who know nothing. Our dc know nothing too, so I'm alone with this. Has anyone else had a similar situation?

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 28/03/2021 21:44

Yep, it took a while but we’re good friends now and parent well together. He lives with his partner and I live with mine. It was very very weird though for a while. There was nobody I could talk to without getting the feeling they were excited by such juicy gossip rather than being concerned about me and the kids.

BikerFreya · 28/03/2021 21:44

Yes and its horrible. The most horrible thing ever and still ongoing.
Good luck with your life

May17th · 28/03/2021 21:47

No experience OP.

Why didn’t your ex DH meet your friends?
I hope you stand up for yourself and tell your husbands friends... how would they feel if they were you..

OvertheRainbow2U · 28/03/2021 21:48

yes, married to controlling, abusive, violent, aggressive little shit for years, finally managed to get away from him, have contact due to our DS. He told me around 4 years ago that he was gay. Fair enough you wanker - but why did you keep on and on and on to get engaged - get married - have a child, the list is endless. I hate that man now - despise him and what he put us through. He has only told me - and lives a very solitary life now. He will never 'come out', which is sad. Then again - I have little sympathy- grow a pair asshole.

SteelMack · 28/03/2021 22:05

@OvertheRainbow2U

yes, married to controlling, abusive, violent, aggressive little shit for years, finally managed to get away from him, have contact due to our DS. He told me around 4 years ago that he was gay. Fair enough you wanker - but why did you keep on and on and on to get engaged - get married - have a child, the list is endless. I hate that man now - despise him and what he put us through. He has only told me - and lives a very solitary life now. He will never 'come out', which is sad. Then again - I have little sympathy- grow a pair asshole.
I could have written 90% of this. Selfish wankers!!
wingsnthat · 28/03/2021 22:13

I think this must be somewhat common, as for a very long time being gay would have made someone an outcast. Some would have dealt with it by staying in the closet and pretending to be straight.

I imagine those ideals are still prevalent in some cultures eg some south Asian communities as they can sometimes be non-inclusive. My manager is Asian, mid 30s and gay, everyone at work knows but he pretends to be straight on social media as his parents would disown him!

It must be an absolute mind-fuck for the poor wife/partner. You must be going through a myriad of emotions

PennineWayinSlingbacks · 29/03/2021 00:32

Two things you said really resonated

In fact, I always used to think it was a miracle children were conceived at all

Now they all think I'm the biggest cunt from hell for ripping his life to pieces

His family are still insistent I am mentally ill and haven't spoken to me in 15 years.
He is still not out, despite not having so much as a single date since, still telling people he has no idea why we broke up. I felt guilty for years and whilst we get on ok, I now feel very angry that he deceived me and I spent most of my 20's and 30's thinking there was something wrong with me as a woman.

I've since remarried to someone who isn't gay and it's marvellous! But I'm almost sad for him that he still isn't leading a truthful life. I suspect he's waiting for his parents to die first. It damaged my relationship with my DD, because I never told her the truth, though I think she must suspect it by now. Whilst it's improving now, he encouraged her to feel sorry for him, all on his own.

Wakingup55643 · 29/03/2021 00:40

I'm sure mine is. I might as well go around with a bag over my head for all the attention he gives me. Absolutely zero. Like you OP it's a miracle that we've got two kids. The last time we had sex was when the youngest was conceived 10 years ago. In fact, I was pleased when the census asked the question about sexual orientation, as I thought this might be a way to get it out of him at last. He was moaning on for weeks prior to the census day why such a question would be included, and then he didn't fill in his part of it until yesterday. I was dying to say to him, if you're gay, just say. He ticked the straight box but he really seemed hesitant over it. I hope he is gay and I can move on and get on with life. I am so lonely x

OvertheRainbow2U · 29/03/2021 08:51

Oh Waking - I feel for you - so unfair that you are not in a relationship that is true. I hope you are able to move on when you can

filoflapjack · 29/03/2021 10:38

Yep, mine came out as a transvestite after 20 years of marriage. Insists he's not gay, but I'm sure he is.
We are now divorced and I'm still furious that he was never open with me before we married.

WhatTodoALL · 29/03/2021 11:59

@PennineWayinSlingbacks

Two things you said really resonated

In fact, I always used to think it was a miracle children were conceived at all

Now they all think I'm the biggest cunt from hell for ripping his life to pieces

His family are still insistent I am mentally ill and haven't spoken to me in 15 years.
He is still not out, despite not having so much as a single date since, still telling people he has no idea why we broke up. I felt guilty for years and whilst we get on ok, I now feel very angry that he deceived me and I spent most of my 20's and 30's thinking there was something wrong with me as a woman.

I've since remarried to someone who isn't gay and it's marvellous! But I'm almost sad for him that he still isn't leading a truthful life. I suspect he's waiting for his parents to die first. It damaged my relationship with my DD, because I never told her the truth, though I think she must suspect it by now. Whilst it's improving now, he encouraged her to feel sorry for him, all on his own.

Same here. I divorced him and he keeps telling people "it's because she was hired by family life, I was the perfect husband." He can't tell the truth even to himself. I cna't tell anyone because I will be just an angry bitcy ex-wife. My sons don't understand what's going on but they are too young for it anyway.

This is all very sad but I am past an angry phase.

lightofthetrees · 29/03/2021 12:40

Just tell his friends and family how you found out he was gay

moochingtothepub · 29/03/2021 12:47

My good friend is gay and split from his wife after coming out, they are the best of friends.

OvertheRainbow2U · 29/03/2021 13:36

lightofthetrees - not that easy to tell friends and family that he is gay - it is his private business - and I agree with WhatTodoALL - wife may be seen as angry bitchy ex wife - oh, the times I have been tempted! No though - no - I shall RISE ABOVE it and live a better true life. I am past anger now - for years I would lament 'That prick took the best years of my life!!' Ah fuck it all - it's done. I moved on. High five to me...ffs.........

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 29/03/2021 13:39

I found out exH is 'gender neutral' during a short marriage. I divorced him as it's not what I signed up for. It is all about him now. His feelings, his challenges, his struggles. Fuck the wife and children and what they go through.

HollowTalk · 29/03/2021 13:45

@OneRingToRuleThemAll Have you seen the trans widows threads on here?

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 29/03/2021 14:19

At one stage almost every out gay man I knew over 40 years old had been married and had children. It is not unusual, remember that same-sex marriage is something introduced less than ten years ago.

OvertheRainbow2U · 29/03/2021 14:52

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb (ace name) - we married in 2002....

PennineWayinSlingbacks · 29/03/2021 15:13

Just tell his friends and family how you found out he was gay

I told my parents and a few close friends because I felt it was really unfair to be shouldering all the blame for the break down of what appeared on the outside to be an ideal marriage.

No idea what my adult children really think.

Livermummy · 17/12/2021 15:57

I have a friend who suspects her husband is. She said they hardly ever have sex when they do he doesn’t seem into it - won’t give her oral sex, seems like he’s just going through the motions. She said he has always been like this from the early stages of their relationship. He never comments on her or other women. She has never found porn etc not even gay porn. She has also asked him outright on many occasions if he is gay and he denies it categorically.

whywouldntyou · 17/12/2021 16:25

For those of you who have been treated like absolute shit by these men how have you remained silent when you are being blamed for everything? I really don't know if I could keep silent in those circumstances. May be vindictive but I'd think he'd earned it.

Deadringer · 17/12/2021 16:31

There is no way i would keep his secret, he tricked you into marriage and has been lying to you ever since you met him.

Classica · 17/12/2021 16:40

It may be his private business but it's the reason for the collapse of your marriage and that's very much your business. I wouldn't be running around telling everyone but if someone was giving me shit for having abandoned my marriage and therefore having ruined his life, I'd have no qualms about telling them the truth.

Classica · 17/12/2021 16:42

@Wakingup55643, that's so sad. Would you ever just ask him outright? Living in a sexless limbo is no way to live. You deserve better.

AnFiaRuaNua · 17/12/2021 16:45

Why should you endure the scorn of his friends when he is gay?
If they used to suspect he was gay, will it really not occur to them at all that that might be the reason you split up?

Do they think that you just decided to end a marriage on a whim or something?

If they think that then they're very naive, and also, they're denying your experience. If it had been great for YOU would you have ended it?

Put these friends of his out of your head if you can.