Anyone else find out their dh is gay?

[FarmerBrian]

I divorced after a long marriage. 23yrs. It became untenable for me, zero intimacy of any kind whatsoever & no sex for over a decade. In fact, I always used to think it was a miracle children were conceived at all. I don't want to reveal how I found out but my ex is not 'out'. He never made friends with my friends during marriage, our friends were his friends, who I got along well with. Now they all think I'm the biggest cunt from hell for ripping his life to pieces. Now I know, everything between us makes sense. Before we got together his friends thought he might be gay & they all used to joke around about it. When we first kissed, it was me kissing him. He didn't kiss me back. I remember thinking at the time where was his passion? And yet we went on to marry. In many ways it was a good & stable marriage until I couldn't bare the aloneness any more. He grew up in a culture where being gay is forbidden. We both knew his cousin was gay but no one spoke about it. That man lived his whole life with his mother.

It's taken me quite a time to process this & learn to be ok with the scorn of his friends who know nothing. Our dc know nothing too, so I'm alone with this. Has anyone else had a similar situation?

I remained silent because he lives in a small town & has children with his second wife. I stay silent for the sake of those children. Anyone who took his side & believed him is not in my life & is therefore not my problem. By leaving him & people like that in my past, I was able to move on and find happiness.

@Wakingup55643

I'm sure mine is. I might as well go around with a bag over my head for all the attention he gives me. Absolutely zero. Like you OP it's a miracle that we've got two kids. The last time we had sex was when the youngest was conceived 10 years ago. In fact, I was pleased when the census asked the question about sexual orientation, as I thought this might be a way to get it out of him at last. He was moaning on for weeks prior to the census day why such a question would be included, and then he didn't fill in his part of it until yesterday. I was dying to say to him, if you're gay, just say. He ticked the straight box but he really seemed hesitant over it. I hope he is gay and I can move on and get on with life. I am so lonely x

Wow, the being cast as a character in his play and not knowing the ending is bad enough, but encouraging your daughter to feel sorry for him

I am in awe of you all. My first bf turned out to be gay and that was discombobulating enough, i cannot imagine having had a child with a man who later turned out to be gay. All of the re-framing.....

Normally when you're reframing you're trying to bolster yourself up but this is a really sad reframing where you go back over things and can't help realising they were even worse than they seemed.

I somehow quoted the wrong poster there!

But hesitating over the census question seems like all the information you need.

This happened with my parents’ marriage. Me and siblings suspected for years. Ruined all relationships - us and DF as he hurt DM, us and DM as she knew and kept it quiet, us and extended family as some of them knew and kept us in the dark way into adulthood. Ruined a lot actually.

10 years of no sex or intimacy? That sounds like a clue. You don't have to wait for a form questionnaire from the government to raise the topic. But still, he lied, I get that .

It's funny this should come back up again tonight. I am just back from my works Christmas night out, and a little bit tipsy it has to be said. I'm in a nice dress, hair and make up done nice, lots of attention from men tonight, and not a peep from DH. It's like he's blind. Or gay. Any other husband would take advantage of a tipsy wife, but he's just sat there watching telly and has now gone to the co op.

@19Bears

It's funny this should come back up again tonight. I am just back from my works Christmas night out, and a little bit tipsy it has to be said. I'm in a nice dress, hair and make up done nice, lots of attention from men tonight, and not a peep from DH. It's like he's blind. Or gay. Any other husband would take advantage of a tipsy wife, but he's just sat there watching telly and has now gone to the co op.

The Co-op you say??

What a bastard :)

Still not sure if my ex is gay or not but he definitely likes a feminine-looking pre-op tran-sexual (transitioning to a woman).
It's 'funny' but a year or so before I found out about him I remember him showing me a photo on his device of a woman on a beach and he told me that it was a man. I told him no it wasn't, what was he talking about, it was clearly a woman. She was stunning although you couldn't see her face, she was very slim yet curvy in terms of waist/hip ratio. He swore blind it was a man (i.e. had a penis he said). I asked him how could he possibly know. He said someone we know had sent it to him. I found it bloody odd but ignored it thinking he was just being stupid.
When I later found out his AW username and viewed the profile of one of the women he had met, this photo was one among several one of the prostitutes was using on her profile.
He still doesn't know ... to this day ... that I know.

Some of these men sound A-sexual, not necessarily gay.