Arguments and anger problems

[Kristie25]

Hello
I know I’m probably about to get some crap for this but I just want some opinions.

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He has had it hard in life and he does seem to struggle with his experiences. He has developed anger issues overtime and says this is mostly my fault because I say the wrong things. I try to speak to him, through disagreements I keep my voice low, I always ask him to be calm but it rarely works. He apologises almost after every argument and says he lost his cool because of something I said.
Now this is the problem with me: I ask too many questions in the wrong way, he says.
I find that I’m quite insecure and sometimes ask questions but I didn’t really think it was a big deal. An example is, he’s been coming home rather early lately so I asked ‘how come you’ve been getting home earlier lately?’. His sister loves getting involved and asking him to do everything for him so I’ve asked ‘why do you let her get involved in our problems’.
Usually it is all really innocent and genuine questions, no harm ever meant by anything I do or say. After all I’ve stuck with him for years. He thinks this isn’t normal so I will have a chat with someone professional to see what may be a good way forward.
However, when I do speak or ask him stuff he gets very angry. He will shout at the top of his voice and tell me I don’t understand or that I’m deaf, he gets so worked up he started sweating! I literally stand there asking him to be calm and he just does not stop. He will throw anything that’s closer to him, be it chairs, plates, food, his phone, the bin. I’ve seen it all. It really hurts me because he promised to get help but he’s now saying I made him this way because I ask him questions which make him feel like he’s doing something wrong.

That’s not my intention, but there certainly never is a good enough reason for anybody to behave the way he does.
I really worry, he’s shown signs of anger and frustration towards his family too.
I’m in a difficult situation as I have relocated for this relationship, live in a whole new city pretty much all I have is him. I can’t really cope on my own.
It’s been really hard on my mental health. I have been asking him to get help time after time, nothings been done about it yet.
But this afternoon I had a plate of cake to clean of walls which he threw in anger, staining all the walls. He broke plates and glasses just yesterday, apologised and did this today.

I get what’s wrong with me, I clearly ask questions he doesn’t like. I will try to address that. But I seriously don’t know what to do.

I wouldn't accept being spoken to like that.
If he has anger issues he needs to deal with them.
You can't fix him.
Honestly he sounds abusive.

If someone else was writing this what would your advice be?.
What is wrong here is that you are in an abusive relationship with this man. This relationship should be at an end now, its over anyway because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out. Your own recovery from his abuse has not even started yet.

How old are you now?. How can you be helped into getting this man out of your life permanently?. You state you relocated cities to be with him?. Changing yourself further to try and fit in with him will not work either.

He is abusive towards you and he will not change. What he is showing you is domestic violence within this home.

You can and will cope without him; he will merely continue to drag you down with him if you stay there. You are not safe with him and it is but a small step between throwing plates and glasses and hitting you. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. AM courses as well are no answer to domestic violence which is what you are really describing here.

Abusive men always but always blame someone else, in this case you, for their abusive behaviour. This is ALL on him; you are not responsible for any of what has happened to him and you do not drive him to behave like this.

If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact Womens Aid as well as the Police here. You deserve a life free of abuse from this man and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your partner is a violent abuser and none of this is your fault. Get the hell out of there because this is only going to get worse. He will start taking his violence out on you.

Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men. You cannot fix, rescue and or save him. You can only save your own self ultimately. Such a man is dangerous to you and your safety here is of paramount concern.

Don't stay with someone like this. Especially if you are actually 25 like your username. Throwing things?! No way would anyone break my stuff or throw food at my walls unless they were under 5 years old.

This man is a disgusting abuser.

You should be free to ask any questions you like.

Kristie
re your comment:-
"I know I’m probably about to get some crap for this but I just want some opinions"

What sort of crap?.

Why did you write like this; what is the rationale behind it?. Is it because your so called partner has you thinking that what you think and do is of no merit?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Kristie re your comment:- "I know I’m probably about to get some crap for this but I just want some opinions"

What sort of crap?.

Why did you write like this; what is the rationale behind it?. Is it because your so called partner has you thinking that what you think and do is of no merit?.

I didn’t mean for it to sound negative but I know I’m not perfect and since he always criticises me and says I ask stupid questions and contribute to his anger issues, I expected that someone would tell me I caused this situation. Again, I meant no harm at all

You have done nothing wrong.
He has conditioned you to believe everything is your fault.
No matter what you say, or how you say things it'll always be wrong to him.
This is textbook abuser behaviour...making you believe it's your fault.
Throwing things is abusive behaviour. Get out before this escalates to him seriously hurting you.

Why are you cleaning up after someone who can't control themself and won't get help to manage their behaviour?

I'm asking, @Kristie25, because I have a feeling this abusive man is totally intimidating you. Not just with shouting and breaking things

I cleaned up because for now it’s my home, and I can’t bare looking at a disgusting wall, covered in food.
I cleaned up for myself, my peace of mind. I just couldn’t look at it :(

You need to change your mindset. This isn't about what's wrong with you. You don't have anger management issues. You don't shout and scream. You don't throw things.

If you think you make him do it, if you genuinely think you have the power to control his behaviour, then why on earth do you think you'd be making him behave the way he does? Surely, if you were responsible for his feelings, you'd be doing things that made him be soft and gentle, wouldn't you? You'd be making a situation where the two of you agreed on things, and life was peaceful for you both? If you are not able to 'make him' nice, you are not able to make him nasty, either. It is simply not in your power to control somebody else's actions.

The only thing that's wrong with you is your partner. Recognise this, and leave.

If you're still not sure, have a look at the rest of your life. Does anybody else find you so infuriating that they throw things and say it's your fault that they did that? If not, and it's just him, then have a think about where the toxicity lies. It's either him, or 'your relationship'. Both of which you can leave.

Oh, OP, I wish you could see that like everyone else is. It's so absolutely crystal clear that you are in no way wrong here. You are in a relationship with a very unstable, abusive intimidating man. There is really only one solution. You must get out. Draw on whatever real life help your can muster, from friends and/or family, plan you move and get out. Never look back, do not take ANY apologies, just go, please. It cannot get better for you do it before you are any more connected.

He's an adult. It's expected that adults have self control. That's why he'd be sacked if he went off on one like this at work.
It's not normal, it's not acceptable, you don't have to stay and be treated like this.

I'm hoping you don't have DC. You say you moved city for him, do you own the property or rent it. I usually say it's better to live separately but in this case you need to leave straight away before he breaks your valuable stuff.

I feel like a lot of the time I must surely contribute to this because he clearly says ‘i wasn’t angry until you said this and that’.
Is there ever an excuse for this behaviour? Could the questions I ask, the thing I say make this ok? I’ve been through some things myself, from being a stalking victim to being lied to previously and guess I do ask some unnecessary things sometimes. I just thought a normal person would simply answer/have a conversation about it, peacefully. I do ask him to be calm. But it’s true, I should never have to ask for respect, the bare minimum.

I can’t really think straight for myself anymore. I know this may sound silly but at this point, I’m not sure anymore what is right and what isn’t.

I live in a rented property. I have a whole new job here and commitments. It really is hard right now

Move back to your old city. Don’t enable this horrid man

I feel like a lot of the time I must surely contribute to this because he clearly says ‘i wasn’t angry until you said this and that

Have a think about it the other way round. What would somebody have to do to make you behave the way he behaves? What sort of question would somebody need to ask you to make you throw plates of food at the wall? Once you'd done it, how would you feel? Would you be ok to tell somebody it was their fault that you did it?

Try switching around all the situations where you're not sure what's right or wrong. He's doing things that are blurring the boundaries because he's not taking reponsibility for his own actions, and trying to pass that responsibility to you. You can get away from the blurring by imagining that you are him, that you have done what he has done; you will feel within yourself what is right and what is wrong.

If you are asking questions that upset him, the respectful response from him would be to tell you. 'It upset me that you asked that question.'

Any aggression, violence or blame is all harmful relationship behaviour, which he chooses to use. And he is choosing, otherwise he'd get like this with everybody, wouldn't he. And he'd throw stuff whilst other people were there. And he'd yell at you in public. But I bet he doesn't.

He’s abusive and blaming you for it
Only a matter of time before he throws something at you

Kristie

Its not you, its him.

You did not cause this situation.

You do not ask stupid questions nor contribute to his anger issues. He is angry/depressed because he is abusive, not because he is angry/depressed. This man will continue to drag you down with him into his pit as long as you remain under the same roof.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He likely grew up seeing domestic violence at home and so has normalised it, he really does think he is entitled to act like this towards you and feels he has done nothing wrong. There is no justification for his violent behaviour and that from him is not your fault in any way. You did not drive him to act like this and you were actually targeted by him. My guess too is that he has upped the power and control against you over time; he was not like this when you first got with him. Abuse is really insidious in its onset and creeps up on people over time.

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but what you likely saw from him even in the early days was the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. That cycle is a continuous one. There were likely red flags present here re him then but those were either minimised or simply not recognised.

Can you at least move out to another rental in the city you now live in?. You certainly cannot remain under the same roof as he; your safety is of paramount concern and he could hurt you physically too. He could well start throwing you at the wall next and that terrible possibility cannot be at all ruled out.

Abusers as well are quite plausible to those in the outside world so I would think he comes across as sweetness and light to these people. It is behind closed doors with you that his true nature emerges.