Arguments and anger problems

[Kristie25]

Hello
I know I’m probably about to get some crap for this but I just want some opinions.

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He has had it hard in life and he does seem to struggle with his experiences. He has developed anger issues overtime and says this is mostly my fault because I say the wrong things. I try to speak to him, through disagreements I keep my voice low, I always ask him to be calm but it rarely works. He apologises almost after every argument and says he lost his cool because of something I said.
Now this is the problem with me: I ask too many questions in the wrong way, he says.
I find that I’m quite insecure and sometimes ask questions but I didn’t really think it was a big deal. An example is, he’s been coming home rather early lately so I asked ‘how come you’ve been getting home earlier lately?’. His sister loves getting involved and asking him to do everything for him so I’ve asked ‘why do you let her get involved in our problems’.
Usually it is all really innocent and genuine questions, no harm ever meant by anything I do or say. After all I’ve stuck with him for years. He thinks this isn’t normal so I will have a chat with someone professional to see what may be a good way forward.
However, when I do speak or ask him stuff he gets very angry. He will shout at the top of his voice and tell me I don’t understand or that I’m deaf, he gets so worked up he started sweating! I literally stand there asking him to be calm and he just does not stop. He will throw anything that’s closer to him, be it chairs, plates, food, his phone, the bin. I’ve seen it all. It really hurts me because he promised to get help but he’s now saying I made him this way because I ask him questions which make him feel like he’s doing something wrong.

That’s not my intention, but there certainly never is a good enough reason for anybody to behave the way he does.
I really worry, he’s shown signs of anger and frustration towards his family too.
I’m in a difficult situation as I have relocated for this relationship, live in a whole new city pretty much all I have is him. I can’t really cope on my own.
It’s been really hard on my mental health. I have been asking him to get help time after time, nothings been done about it yet.
But this afternoon I had a plate of cake to clean of walls which he threw in anger, staining all the walls. He broke plates and glasses just yesterday, apologised and did this today.

I get what’s wrong with me, I clearly ask questions he doesn’t like. I will try to address that. But I seriously don’t know what to do.

This is the second thread like this I have read today. It's almost like a drama script. The aggressor displaying the classic bullying, gaslighting tactics and the op blaming themselves.
The reason everyone is saying much the same thing is because it is obvious to them that this man is behaving in an unacceptable manner. You have to decide for yourself that you should not allow yourself to be treated this way. Everyone of us is worth more than that, including you. All the martyrs are dead, OP, you are not on this earth to be someone else's punchbag. Get yourself out of there.

The aggressor displaying the classic bullying, gaslighting tactics and the op blaming themselves

Abusers rely on their victims' willingness to blame themselves. The abuse doesn't work, otherwise. As soon as the victim starts to think 'OK, abuser, go ahead and think x, y and z of me. I disagree.' The dynamic changes. If the victim makes their feelings known, the abuse will ramp up. If they don't, they will take quiet steps towards seeking outside support, and ultimately, leaving the abuser.

Abuse hinges around the victim's 'Maybe it's my fault. I ought to fix it...' attitude. Many victims will do anything to try to fix it. Never speak their mind, put up with violence and coercion, have sex when they really don't want to, drop all their friends and family, move away from where they have always lived, all kinds of things. And it all revolves around the fact that they think they are causing the abuse.

It is never the victim's fault. The abuser may be angry, upset, insecure, irritated, anxious, any one of a hundred different emotions, but they choose what to do with those emotions. They choose to abuse, rather than a hundred other, healthy responses that are available to them.

If you make him angry, OP, you make him angry. That's as far as it goes, in terms of how much you can cause. Emotionally healthy people don't spend time with people who make them angry a lot. He could choose to leave. He could choose to talk to you. He could choose counselling, or suggest you go to couples counselling together. He could choose a time-out. He could choose to write his feelings down. He could choose to talk to a friend. He could choose to distract himself, or the two of you as a couple, with something nicer.

He chooses to throw stuff and yell at you and blame you.

You need to choose to be away from people who choose that sort of response to their anger.

His response to his anger is his responsibility, but your route to happiness is your responsibility. It will never be about changing someone else's behaviour. It will always be about choosing to be around people who make you feel like your feelings have worth.

there certainly never is a good enough reason for anybody to behave the way he does.

Walk away. It's not you, it's him and it won't get any better.

What do you think you should do? Do you feel that this is a healthy relationship? Do you think you’d be happier not being around the anger?

But I seriously don’t know what to do.

Leave. Ask for help*, accept help, make a plan and leave.

*Women's Aid, Freedom Programme, Refuge, Citizens Advice, your local council, local charities...

I just feel so drained and fed up. I can’t afford to move and I have to stay at least 6 further months before I can terminate the contract. It’s so depressing. I can just hear repeats of everything he ‘said’ to me and it’s making me feel more and more fed up with life.

You need to leave him. Him throwing things is violence and calling you names is verbal abuse.

He will not ever ever ever ever change. It doesn't matter how small you make yourself. He will not change.

Have you contacted Women's Aid, @Kristie25?

Even if you feel stuck right now, they can offer you some support, and perhaps approaches you may not have thought of, given that your head will, understandably, be full of 'horrible' rather than 'inspiring and productive', right now.

They will have see loads of people in similar situations to yours - they'll know what to do. They'll know what to ask you and how to best advise you. You can get out of this, you know. People do it all the time. It's not hopeless. You can get back to having a happy life and feeling like the 'you' you're meant to be.

Why does It feel like it would never get better though?
I have called a helpline earlier on, pretty sure it was women’s aid and they’ve given me a number for an organisation more local to me.
I’m so embarrassed of this entire situation.
Thank you to every person that took the time to write on this post and give me the slightest bit of encouragement to seek help.

Your relationship won't get better. It'll likely get worse if you stay.

Your life can get better. Miles better.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Abusers target people who are decent, thoughtful, willing to admit their faults, dislike blaming others, and are comfortable with making changes to support others. These will all be traits that you have. He is manipulating them, but that doesn't mean they are bad traits: they are good. You want to keep them. They will serve you well in a relationship with a partner who can offer you the same.

What was you parents' relationship like? Did they fall out a lot? Did you feel heard and respected as a child?

@Eckhart

Your relationship won't get better. It'll likely get worse if you stay.

Your life can get better. Miles better.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Abusers target people who are decent, thoughtful, willing to admit their faults, dislike blaming others, and are comfortable with making changes to support others. These will all be traits that you have. He is manipulating them, but that doesn't mean they are bad traits: they are good. You want to keep them. They will serve you well in a relationship with a partner who can offer you the same.

What was you parents' relationship like? Did they fall out a lot? Did you feel heard and respected as a child?

My mum has been through hell. I hoped I’d never go through it myself. She got away from my father, when I was only weeks old. Not much I know about him other than that he really was an abusive, horrible person. But my mum made sure I never had to grow up watching that. My step father though has been great to her so I’ve seen positive treatment, thankfully.