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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friends broken up

32 replies

Dickdickgoose · 28/03/2021 10:11

I have had to lie to my husband for the first time in nearly 18 years. I told him that I didn’t know that my friend was leaving her husband. He has been financially and emotionally abusing her and their children for years. His behaviour has been escalating and this has been reflected also in his workplace. There is an ongoing investigation that could affect his professional standing permanently and legally. It’s huge. I have been supporting her as much as I can without letting my husband know because this dick is one of my husband’s best friends. I have occasionally attempted to bring his behaviour to my DH’s attention, but he won’t remove his rose-coloured glasses. (He has form for this in other areas... like his racist mother, etc.) Their other best friend has been able to see it brewing and is fabulous, but the dick is now in major victim-mode and coming up with the most ludicrous claims (she only left on Wednesday and he’s already claiming that she must have met someone else - she hasn’t - he hasn’t let her out of his sight except for the half a day she had to grab the kids and run while he was in a tribunal!!!) Now... My DH is making rescuing him his personal project and soon I t’s all going to come out that I knew that she was going to leave all along, and it’s going to hit the fan! I don’t know how we’re going to get through this. Firstly because I hate this lack of trust in my judgement - and make apologist behaviour - and how I feel like I have to bite my tongue all the time and squash resentment down. Is this what marriage is?

OP posts:

Kaleidoscopecascade · 28/03/2021 10:12

Tell him. Tell him exactly what his friend is like.

RUOKHon · 28/03/2021 10:13

If you tell him exactly what his friend is like and he still sides with his friend, then I would be giving some serious thought as to whether he was the sort of man I wanted to remain married to.

Usagi12 · 28/03/2021 10:15

Oh no I'm so sorry, I don't think I have any practical advice but didn't want to read and run. You sound lovely but to be honest your husband sounds awful, why are you with him? What do you think he'll do when he finds out? I appreciate you've not given DHslife story so he may well be great apart from this. Has he really not noticed his friends behaviour or is he turning a blind eye?

Original poster

Dickdickgoose · 28/03/2021 10:45

He’s not at all like his friend... DH’s parents weren’t amazing, tbh. He has rewritten his history to make it “GREAT!”. The good bits were provided by grandparents. His mum is the most selfish, manipulative woman ever, and his dad has Asperger’s, so means well, but has limitations. They broke up when DH was nearly 18 and DH’s younger brother was about to do his final exams at high school. (Ten points for sensitivity!) An older half-brother became known at this time. (His dad had been unaware of his existence.) The younger brother says that my DH pretty much raised him. My DH denies this. I think it’s too painful. Mum always on a quest for “FUN!” and lies a lot. She has remarried and has adopted the new family’s cultural traditions of homophobia and racism. (Lovely.) DH blind to this. She has been very divisive with DH and I and also with DH and kids. (Kids bloody loathe her.) Fortunately lives over 4000km away. FIL remarried. They are both hoarders. It took a LONG time for DH to accept this. DD1 is 16 and is FINALLY having testing for Asperger’s. She is very high functioning and despite asking for this herself, DH is fighting this. Sigh....

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/03/2021 10:47

Personally I would speak up and tell your husband exactly what his friend is and that you were proud to help her.

Original poster

Dickdickgoose · 28/03/2021 10:50

The other friend’s wife is a psychiatrist, btw. I am going to suggest that they take him out and spell it all out.

OP posts:

Lissiel0u · 28/03/2021 10:50

I would tell your DH, he needs to grow up and accept that sometimes he puts his faith in the wrong people. He is following a cycle of admiring people who manipulate and bully, so he doesn't see that he is on the other end of it too. I would also insist on some form of therapy because he needs to see his past more clearly IMO

Lissiel0u · 28/03/2021 10:51

Xpost, DEFINITELY do that.

Original poster

Dickdickgoose · 28/03/2021 11:20

Tbh, this cycle of cramming resentment down is creating a situation where I respect him less and less. He has form for not wanting to see things that are too painful for him and making them MY problem. ie His mum is fine, but I have problems with her and have created problems between her and the kids. (I didn’t send one twin $50 and the other $5 for their birthday - she dug her own grave without my help! Then thrown in the racism and homophobia.......)

OP posts:

SilverRoe · 28/03/2021 11:21

I think you’ve got the nail on the head - he denies things because they are too painful. If he acknowledges something it also means he may have to take action he finds uncomfortable.

I doubt very much his rose-tinted glasses are that powerful- they’re more a mechanism to prevent feeling discomfort and having to act. If he admits his friend is abusive he would also have to deal with supporting someone who abuses his wife and kids, much easier just to pretend it’s not happening.

Thing is, it does sound like he’s used denial to get through a difficult childhood, but that’s spilling into his adult life and impacting the people around him. It’s quite shocking if he’s resisted your daughter seeking a diagnosis because of this. Maybe it’s time he did some work on himself and actually confronted reality since his version of ‘reality’ is impacting others negatively.

SilverRoe · 28/03/2021 11:22

X-post OP. Sorry but it does sound selfish, denying issues that impact his family because it’s more comfortable for him and letting everyone else deal with the fallout.

Original poster

Dickdickgoose · 28/03/2021 11:25

Thanks - I think you’re giving me the language I need to use to thwack him. He had to confront some serious childhood abuse that affected our marriage very early on, or I was going to walk. He REALLY didn’t want to. Now we have the kids of course it’s harder. (And I gave up my career to be stupid trailing expat spouse while he did his bloody thing.) I’m nearly finished my course and will be able to support myself next year.

OP posts:

Monr0e · 28/03/2021 11:43

Like bollocks would I bite my tongue

I'd be calling out his behaviour for exactly what it was. And I'd be giving serious thought to the character of your DH who excuses and downplays it

Original poster

Dickdickgoose · 28/03/2021 12:11

I am wondering atm... there is a bit of male apologist fuckery that I am finding very triggering and old man “I have the right to an opinion” bullshit as well.
WTAF

OP posts:

Sssloou · 28/03/2021 12:23

You can look at him compassionately that he is so entrenched in denial throughout his whole life because of deep childhood trauma......

BUT

He doesn’t get to drag this around and pollute and blight everyone else’s lives because HE is irrational.

Well done to you for seeing and understanding the dynamic and HIS dysfunction.

Seems that there have been numerous situations that have been impacted by his distorted mindset.

Best thing to do is KNOW you are right and he is irrational. Explain to him once - but beyond that don’t waste your breath trying to explain anything to him but INSTEAD take ACTIONS.

Do whatever you need for your DD, your friend, yourself. Don’t get into conflict or let him irrationally control you and your family.

Original poster

Dickdickgoose · 28/03/2021 12:43

Please don’t think I won’t... as soon as I realized DD was struggling, I organised assessment process. Takes time and money (in Aus). DD is first priority atm. Other kids have sensed that DH’s friend is not right, btw... they have asked questions for a while. (Obv. couldn’t say anything, but they expressed concern about their kids who are only little - my twins are 14. They have told me some things the kids have said.😡) I won’t let him drag my kids down. I just need him to accept the truth. It’s going to be hard. I think maybe it’s going to involve an intervention.

OP posts:

Sssloou · 28/03/2021 12:49

I just need him to accept the truth.

You don’t though.

Drop the rope. This is a familiar and futile dynamic with him. It will exhaust you - put your finite energy and focus where it will be productive.

YOU know the truth.

Your friends know the truth.

Let him catch up in his own time - just don’t engage in any of his triggered nonsense.

Sounds like the more you talk the more he resists you and digs deeper.

Use your energy to protect others from his wrong headedness.

Okbussitout · 28/03/2021 12:55

Sounds like you also need to leave your husband. I can imagine why you'd want to stay in a relationship with somone who knowingly defends an abuser. He sound awful sorry.

Original poster

Dickdickgoose · 29/03/2021 08:10

*Update!!!
I spoke to the psychiatrist wife mutual friend. My DH said that I knew she was leaving all along!!! WTAF!!! I had caved and told him that in hindsight there were probably signs, but she had always been respectful of my relationship with DH and hadn’t spelled it out. Now what?!?! I can see myself being scapegoated again now!!!

OP posts:

category12 · 29/03/2021 08:24

I don't really get the drama. It's other people's relationships. "Yes darling, she told me things privately, she's my friend. I kept her confidence because we're friends and thats what you do. You see him very differently, and that's OK, that's your experience of him. But it's not how she sees it, and it's not how I see it. But that's OK."

PassionForFashion · 29/03/2021 08:54

I don’t see the problem, you’re a free person, you can support who you want and do not need permission, especially when helping someone with children get away from abuse. It is sad he does not trust your judgement.

Perhaps he senses you do not trust his own judgement and maybe somehow resents that and is projecting this back at you? This wouldn’t be a good scenario because it would indicate he has limited insight in this area. Or worse, that he’s doing it deliberately. A power play of sorts.

You know your husband best, listen to your own instincts.

user1493494961 · 29/03/2021 09:06

It's all a bit convoluted. You start off talking about your friend then it's all about your DH and his family, then your DD, I've lost track a bit.

ArthurBloom · 29/03/2021 09:09

@Usagi12

You literally know nothing about her husband other than he defends his friend and mother who obviously pull the wool over his eyes, what a disgusting thing to tell someone to do when you know nothing about the relationship.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/03/2021 09:13

@Dickdickgoose

*Update!!! I spoke to the psychiatrist wife mutual friend. My DH said that I knew she was leaving all along!!! WTAF!!! I had caved and told him that in hindsight there were probably signs, but she had always been respectful of my relationship with DH and hadn’t spelled it out. Now what?!?! I can see myself being scapegoated again now!!!

I'm confused? So your dh knows now? It all sounds a bit muddled?

Sssloou · 29/03/2021 09:16

Scapegoated by whom? For what?

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