Friends broken up

[Dickdickgoose]

I have had to lie to my husband for the first time in nearly 18 years. I told him that I didn’t know that my friend was leaving her husband. He has been financially and emotionally abusing her and their children for years. His behaviour has been escalating and this has been reflected also in his workplace. There is an ongoing investigation that could affect his professional standing permanently and legally. It’s huge. I have been supporting her as much as I can without letting my husband know because this dick is one of my husband’s best friends. I have occasionally attempted to bring his behaviour to my DH’s attention, but he won’t remove his rose-coloured glasses. (He has form for this in other areas... like his racist mother, etc.) Their other best friend has been able to see it brewing and is fabulous, but the dick is now in major victim-mode and coming up with the most ludicrous claims (she only left on Wednesday and he’s already claiming that she must have met someone else - she hasn’t - he hasn’t let her out of his sight except for the half a day she had to grab the kids and run while he was in a tribunal!!!) Now... My DH is making rescuing him his personal project and soon I t’s all going to come out that I knew that she was going to leave all along, and it’s going to hit the fan! I don’t know how we’re going to get through this. Firstly because I hate this lack of trust in my judgement - and make apologist behaviour - and how I feel like I have to bite my tongue all the time and squash resentment down. Is this what marriage is?

Eh? I thought you did know that she was leaving, wasn't that your point? So why are you being scapegoated if your DH says you knew?

You don’t have to tell your husband everything firstly, he’s your husband not your gatekeeper.

So I wouldn’t be apologising for knowing and I wouldn’t be apologising for not telling him. You were told in confidence and to have told your husband would have been betraying the trust of your friend.

If he tries to imply any of this is his fault you will need to give him the short sharp shock treatment I’m afraid.

He can choose to have an abusive arsehole as a friend if he wishes and he can choose to try and defend that behaviour within his own head if he wishes but if my partner attempted to minimise or brush away abuse in front of or to me I would be spelling it out in NO uncertain terms. SHUT THE FUCK UP OR GET OUT.

Your husband doesn’t get to decide how everyone else feels about things and he doesn’t get to ignore the blatant toxic behaviour because he is too scared to see the truth. It’s very sad that he still has these hang ups from what sounds like a troubled childhood but once we become adults we become responsible for our own shit and become responsible for not placing it onto anyone else or burdening our future relationships with it. If he can’t do that then he needs help.

It is not up to you to be scapegoated any time a person in his life acts badly - he can’t remove the blame from them and place it onto you so that he can cope with it better.
That’s messed up.

He’s an adult and it’s time he did the work to deal with this shit. I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship if I were you. It doesn’t sound like a one off, it sounds like his coping strategies are seriously toxic to be around

I am attempting to deal with my relationship with MY DH... I believe that in time, the truth about his friend will all come out anyway. (Especially when it becomes known about the investigation and also this guy’s conduct at work, etc.) This guy’s entire background is abnormal and his behaviour is bizarre at best. My friend has actually attempted to shield me from her relationship issues out of respect for our husband’s pre-existing one. (They have known each other for close to 40 yrs.) It’s just so bloody obvious, that it was unavoidable!

Why is your Husband so invested in the timeframe of your knowledge of Her plans to leave? 🤔

He is not the boss of you OP 🌸

I would be more concerned that your dh is doing absolutely everything he can to excuse abusive behaviour, racist behaviour etc. It sounds like you are making alot of excuses for him as well.
This will start causing a problem in your own marriage if you have to lie or hide things from your dh. But why do you need to lie? Because you know your dh supports these kinds of people. This man is under investigation professionally as well. Surely that is a fact. If your dh cannot see that as something then you must acknowledge that he is a problem here too.

Why is it that your shed mustn’t know that you knew and supported your friend? From your op, I understood that you needed to not tell him in order to protect your friend and her children, from him potentially taking information back to the abusive h?

If that isn’t the case, why aren’t you telling him ‘yes, I knew and your friend is abusive’? Are you scared of him? It doesn’t sound healthy.

Why does the other friend have to spell it out to your DH? Why can’t you? The talking behind his back is strange. You should be able to address this directly with him unless that would put your friend who has left her marriage at risk.

Your dh not shed. Ffs.