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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband breaking lockdown

35 replies

Hermagsjesty · 28/03/2021 09:26

My DH has been getting increasingly lax at following lockdown - he was meeting a friend outdoors for coffee then on one rainy day they moved it indoors, it’s now regularly an indoor thing - it’s now escalated to other friends joining them, indoors. It makes me really anxious & irritated. He thinks it’s a case of everyone has different boundaries - obviously the friends he’s doing it with & their partners are okay with it - & that it’s an “agree to disagree” but to me it feels like a schism in our values & it makes me think less of him as a person. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Gyh863 · 28/03/2021 17:11

Well people like him will think you're overreacting and people like you will understand exactly what you mean!

I'm like you. I've fallen out with someone I used to be very close to partly because of difference of opinion over lockdown rule breaking. He has stayed over at his friends every other weekend since before Christmas and sees another friend for coffee sat in his car. He doesn't really seem to understand covid properly and thinks it's all about individual risk and his actions in isolation 🙄. I know he's struggled with lockdown but he takes the piss in my eyes (could have met for walks etc), whilst complaining to me about the too slow easing of restrictions even though he knows I follow the rules.

I struggle not to see him as selfish and willfully ignorant. He doesn't understand why we can't just agree to disagree. But there are some things I'm not sure you can do that with, if it's someone very close. Like you I think similar ethics and values are really important, unless they are more of an acquaintance. And of course as they are the rule breakers of course it's easier for them to feel that way, if it was the other way round would they perhaps see it differently!

AnaofBroceliande · 28/03/2021 17:13

Yes, you are majorly overreacting.

AnaofBroceliande · 28/03/2021 17:15

So divorce him and let him find someone who's more compatible with him Hmm.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/03/2021 18:40

He thinks it’s a case of everyone has different boundaries

People do when it comes to breaking the law, be it theft, speeding etc. I wouldn’t chose to be with someone who thought the laws of the country didn’t apply to them so he would be sleeping over at the friends house.

diwrnachoflleyn · 28/03/2021 19:12

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He thinks it’s a case of everyone has different boundaries

People do when it comes to breaking the law, be it theft, speeding etc. I wouldn’t chose to be with someone who thought the laws of the country didn’t apply to them so he would be sleeping over at the friends house.

Why should he leave? She doesn't like it, she can be the one to leave. They're married, you can't just order someone to leave. If my spouse told me to leave my own home over something like this I'd laugh in their face and tell them there's the door if they don't like it.
Sunflower1970 · 29/03/2021 05:38

You’re totally overreacting.

Parkerwhereareyou · 29/03/2021 06:53

I got anxious about this. Felt really very upset about it at the start. And have at various points. Our shared child being exposed to him having been all over the place, etc. (we live separately). Me having to be in a car with him and him having been at his brother's. Etc.

But I have to say I've calmed down. It can't be a sackable offence. It is irritating and - this is why it feels bad - seems like it could lead to you dying of the virus. That's the bit that gets you, I know.

But as of today things are opening up more and more. This is all going to relax and you should too. Not much other choice. He's just done what millions of others have. He doesn't feel so scared.

Soopertired · 29/03/2021 06:56

It’s the law though so she’s not overreacting. It’s against the law. You are perfectly in your rights to feel how you feel. My husband is the same. Having friends over for coffee. None of them are vaccinated yet. Nobody knows who else the friends have been in contact with. Lockdown is lockdown.

User133847 · 29/03/2021 06:56

Phone the police

coffeeandjuice · 29/03/2021 07:03

He's putting your health at risk every time he breaks the rules. It'd really annoy me. He's also contributing to the potential of us all being in lockdown longer.

But I think now the rules are changing to garden settings, most people will be breaking the rules anyway.

Namechangeforspring2021 · 29/03/2021 07:11

The selfishness would be the end of it for me. We’d all love to be having coffee with our friends and relatives, but the majority are not.

People’s true colours have been shown this past year.

Iggly · 29/03/2021 07:13

It’s the “I’m alright Jack, screw everyone else” attitude which would bother me.

If everyone did what your DH did, then the pandemic would be worse.

Otter71 · 29/03/2021 07:22

Are you clinically extremely vulnerable OP? Or is someone in the household? If so maybe it changes the picture, though most of that group have now had the vaccine.
Are you or he in roles where regular lateral flows are considered essential? If so that may limit the risk.
On one side this is how the virus spreads. On the other hand at least you say it is a regular group not a different bunch of randoms a each time. Lockdown rules have been shown to have a massive impact on mental health and if this is what keeps him sane, then so be it. A death from covid or a death from suicide is still a death. And for many of those in non risk groups Covid isn't any worse than a bad cold (I have had it before lockdown 1 as a health worker) so it is a balance...

Equalityumber · 29/03/2021 07:36

This would be a deal breaker for me. Could you change the locks while he’s out having his coffee?

MazekeenSmith · 29/03/2021 07:38

@Equalityumber

This would be a deal breaker for me. Could you change the locks while he’s out having his coffee?
Wow Covid has really delineated the reasonable and unreasonable in society

Yes OP YABU and overreacting

PhilCornwall1 · 29/03/2021 07:39

@Equalityumber

This would be a deal breaker for me. Could you change the locks while he’s out having his coffee?
Because that's totally legal if he's named on the house.
LST · 29/03/2021 07:44

@Equalityumber

This would be a deal breaker for me. Could you change the locks while he’s out having his coffee?
How about the op leave instead. Jesus wept. The world's gone mad
0021andabit · 29/03/2021 07:54

It’s interesting how polarised the responses are. Clearly people have strong feelings both ways, so, I guess the question isn’t actually about which side is right or wrong, it’s about compatibility & how much a couple need to be on the same page over something like this.

0021andabit · 29/03/2021 07:55

Also just to be clear, no one’s talking about changing locks or leaving

SunshineCake · 29/03/2021 07:56

I'm sure all the people who think he has done nothing wrong haven't any experience of someone being ill or dying from covid. So stupid.

LST · 29/03/2021 08:03

@SunshineCake

I'm sure all the people who think he has done nothing wrong haven't any experience of someone being ill or dying from covid. So stupid.
Wrong actually. I just find the hysteria mad!
User133847 · 29/03/2021 08:06

It's the scenario outlined by the OP as well. Once you break a rule it becomes a mindset.

Just go inside for a coffee because it's raining and before you know it you're meeting up inside with groups of mates.

I couldn't be with something like that.

User133847 · 29/03/2021 08:09

@0021andabit

It’s interesting how polarised the responses are. Clearly people have strong feelings both ways, so, I guess the question isn’t actually about which side is right or wrong, it’s about compatibility & how much a couple need to be on the same page over something like this.
It's a question of ethics and values.
diwrnachoflleyn · 29/03/2021 08:41

@SunshineCake

I'm sure all the people who think he has done nothing wrong haven't any experience of someone being ill or dying from covid. So stupid.
I have. I lost one of my parents. Still think this lockdown business needs to stop. But hey, then divorce him because you feel morally superior.
Druidlookingidiot · 29/03/2021 08:46

The vaccine is the way out of this. Over 30million people have now been vaccinated and that figure is rising every day. There are also people who have immunity from having the virus.

We’ve protected the NHS, the older/vulnerable people are protected. We can crack on!