After all the milestones, what happens?

[toadstool32]

Dh and I have been together 10 years and we've ticked everything off: engagement, marriage, two kids, two house moves. I'm 32, he's 40 and frankly with nothing left to look forward to in our relationship, I'm bored. He's happy with the normal plodding through life, I can't bare the lack of excitement and lack of ambition. Yes I've got the kids and we both work full time. We have a summer holiday each year (pre COVID) and on paper have a "naice life". But I'm so bored. What fuels the fire in other long term relationships without things to look forward to?

I've namedchanged btw

Maturity, I guess.

The milestones your dc reach, getting freedom back once dc are grown up. Life can't be one big celebration and you have to learn to live through the boring bits

Life is what you make of it (okay 10% is what happens s and 90% is how you deal with it).

Do things together. Do you have a common hobby? Your children should keep you busy that I'm surprised you have time to be bored.

Forge a career for yourself. Start training or renew your job skills.

Contentment comes from within, so change your outlook.

@AnaofBroceliande

Maturity, I guess.

Ouch 🥴

I’m 31, been married 9 years, on our 3rd house, 2 kids. So same as you really. I am looking forward to:

Little one starting school (maybe having another baby)
House reno
Travelling when we can - various trips planned in theory
Starting business with DH
Investing so we have more free time
Hobbies - we all have lots of different hobbies - ice skating, guitar, singing, art, reading, swimming, drama, language learning. Spread across the 4 of us.
Growing a garden
Getting a campervan
Dates when we can get a babysitter/when the kids are teens, OMG can you imagine how much time you’ll have for your relationship then?!

Maybe sit down and do a 5 year plan and get on the same page with how you envision the future. The world is your oyster!

It’s really sad that you seem to have gotten the most relationship enjoyment out of ticking things off a milestone list. Are you like this about all areas of your life? Do you ever just enjoy life as it comes?

I get bored very easily. Been in the same job 8 years and I've done a lot of further training in the field but to think of doing the same thing until retirement bores the hell out of me. I need a project or goal be it a house reno (did it last year), work progression (just finished another course) I need something on the go. I hate just plodding through the same weekly routine week in week out. So as an individual, yes, I love change. I want change in my marriage too. We tried to have a third baby but have recently suffered two recurrent miscarriages since Xmas.

That’s good, I like change too. Can’t get too stagnant. But with that it’s important to also appreciate what you have and the small things. Sounds like you’re fortunate so appreciate that :) Otherwise you’ll always be chasing and one day you’ll be dead and never have got to where you wanted.

Get a puppy? Agility classes?
Learn a new skill?
Hobby?
DIY?

Liking variety and change is good but what, realistically, do you think can or should change in your marriage? It'd be useful to try and decide what it is that's boring you about it I think - if you're bored with having the same thing for takeaway Friday every week or something, that's understandable. If you're fundamentally bored with coming home to the same man/marriage/home then there's a bigger issue I think?

I would be tempted to try and reframe your marriage as the unchanging, solid base that the rest of your life is built on. I don't mean this rudely but the need for constant change is a 'you' problem - don't let yourself go down the path of resenting your husband or your marriage for being solid and dependable when that's the idea of it.

I'd also maybe suggest a bit of caution talking to your husband about it, I'd be very hurt if my husband told me he was bored and had nothing else to look forward to in our marriage.

I think this is also about your mindset - you say 'lack of excitement' and 'lack of ambition'. What's unambitious about a healthy relationship, home ownership, presumably financial comfort, raising two people to adulthood - which of those do you want more from?

Is it the relationship (open marriage? Change your sex life? Go on holiday more as a couple?)

The home - getting a renovation project, moving abroad, a 'nicer' more 'ambitious' home?

Financial comfort - do your want to be better off? Aggressive career focus for a decade or so, more money, investing? FIRE method?

Parenting? Are you feeling stifled by it? Do you need help or a change of how your parenting is divided between you?

Think about what you could want to change, and I'd also gently suggest seeking some counselling - I think that while change can be good, seeing the idea of a happy functional marriage where your milestones become about raising your children and growing together as boring and unambitious is something you might need to unpick a bit more.

How old are the children?

We took up karate as a family, prompted by younger son having a taster course at school. Totally out of our comfort zone Ten years later H and I are now both second dan black belts and he's done some instructing.

The boys and I joined the newly-formed church choir when they were 6 and 9. The 18yo no longer sings and the 21yo has a choral scholarship, but both H and I will be returning to rehearsals as soon as we're allowed to have them again.

I've done bellringing since I was a teenager and that also became a family hobby. You can commit to as much or as little as you want and there's always something new to learn.

How about you imagine what you'd like to do for your silver wedding anniversary?

I’m
Learning mandarin
Children are learning Hebrew
Planned loads of holidays
Renovating house
Something fun each weekend

You just do the stuff you love!

Oh god, you’re one of those people who’ll have an affair just for a bit of excitement.

I can remember my sister trying to explain to my dad why she’d left her husband, saying “it wasn’t going anywhere” and my dad, in total bafflement, saying “you’re married - where were you expecting it to go?”

I struggle with that too OP. Even though I know it makes no sense and what everyone has written does. It all just feels a bit flat after the milestones. I feel like I live for a couple of weeks in the sun each year. Realise it's my mindset that's the problem, but it's not that easy to fix

I feel the same OP. I struggle when there isn't a goal or something to do. I dread the day my little one (not actually little, but teenager) ups and leaves. 😩

A hobby might be good. Something that takes you out of the home so that you appreciate your family when you’re back.

I feel like this at times too. I sometimes feel like my "best years are behind me" ( in my mid forties and work wise have done everything I want, nice house , children all growing up). I don't want an affair or anything like that but I get bored with montony/ no big projects to think about. I've found this year really hard being stuck in the house so much.

Normally I plan holidays/ travel - my absolute favourite thing! However this is off the cards at the moment so I've taught myself to sew and I'm training for a marathon instead. I've also booked some tickets for some live music events later this year- fingers crossed they go ahead to give me something to look forward too.

I wonder whether any of this is actually lockdown boredom too, or compounded by it? We’re all bored of not being able to go out, see different people and places, and have some variety in our lives.

I think you need to consider if you are bored with your routine and how you spend your time and energy or is it your relationship that is causing the boredom?

You sound like you need a goal, or milestone, that’s not a life event. But still gives you that sense of progression. A degree/qualification? Different work or hobby?

What do you mean what comes next

What do you want from life? Yes you've done the things that society tells us we should do, but what do you want to do?

Why not set your own milestones?

I honestly can't wait to retire with my husband. Is that not something you're looking forward to?

@HeddaGarbled

Oh god, you’re one of those people who’ll have an affair just for a bit of excitement.

I can remember my sister trying to explain to my dad why she’d left her husband, saying “it wasn’t going anywhere” and my dad, in total bafflement, saying “you’re married - where were you expecting it to go?”

@HeddaGarbled I think I love your dad.

DH says life is what you make it, you're the only person responsible for your happiness, sometimes you have to choose to be happy.