After all the milestones, what happens?

[toadstool32]

Dh and I have been together 10 years and we've ticked everything off: engagement, marriage, two kids, two house moves. I'm 32, he's 40 and frankly with nothing left to look forward to in our relationship, I'm bored. He's happy with the normal plodding through life, I can't bare the lack of excitement and lack of ambition. Yes I've got the kids and we both work full time. We have a summer holiday each year (pre COVID) and on paper have a "naice life". But I'm so bored. What fuels the fire in other long term relationships without things to look forward to?

Thanks for the replies. I dunno, it all just feels stale and with another (hopefully) 50 odd years left for us both that's a long time to stagnate

When you say unambitious - are you talking about your husband? What's he like? Is he similarly driven and keeping on growing and moving ahead in his career? Are you similar in that sense?

Holidays abroad

Otherwise you’ll always be chasing and one day you’ll be dead and never have got to where you wanted

This is really important.

Have you posted about this before? It sounds very familiar. You've framed it about your marriage but actually it's about your purpose in life.

What are you chasing?

You've ticked off the boxes that society says you should achieve and have found that doesn't lead to fulfillment. So, what is it you are looking for?

You're expecting something externally to provide that - your husband, your job, a third child - and now your thread is asking "what's the next external thing that will fill the gap?" This answer is, there isn't one. It needs to come from within.

I'd suggest some introspection - what is it you want from life? What makes you happy? Is being happy enough? If you can afford it maybe some therapy to explore and challenge yourself.

Your thread is essentially asking "what is the purpose of life?" and there's plenty who have come and gone before you asking that exact same question. But be careful and wise with how you answer it. There's also plenty of lives that have been destroyed by people asking that question and pursing an exciting and thrilling path only to find it leads to a dead end and they've lost all they had in pursuit of a false dream.

@Cavagirl

I think this is a very wise post.

Attend fitness classes at the gym.

Write a book.
Start a garden.
Start a club.
Lease land and start a small farm.
Learn to make wigs.
Start a business.
Become an expert in something by doing your own research.
Do more education with the Open University.
Learn the cello.
Train as a counsellor.
Or any number of a million things you could do...

Find some of them to do with DH if that's important to you.

We went and lived abroad when pretty much at the same stage as you are OP. Went for total change, to a developing country. Stayed away 10yrs, then coming back was all new again.

I'm wondering if this is some way connected to your 2 miscarriages. You may be a bit down..understandably so and negative thoughts will be part of that. Two in a row will have had a big impact .
But otherwise it's about practicing contentment.

Sometimes when I see these threads I feel so frustrated. Do you know how many people would kill for the comfort and stability of the kind of life you call 'boring'? People who through no fault of their own haven't found suitable partners to have kids with, or who are suffering from terrible health?

I would find a way to practise gratitude and appreciate what you have.

I'm very grateful thank you but doesn't mean I can't be on a quest to add more excitement to my life.

Re suggestions:
I've done a masters and recently completed another course specific to my job.
We've done a full house reno and completed an extension last year.
We've got holidays (tentatively) booked for the summer.

Yes the impact of two miscarriages (one still unresolved) has hit me hard. I adore my two girls but always imagined my life with three but now it seems that's been taken away from me. I'm early thirties but clearly my body is saying too old now. The girls and I would love a puppy so we're working on my husband to agree. A tiny insignificant thing is come 12th April when I can't wait for my hairdressers appointment, I'm going to really change my hair. Been long and the same colour for ever!

Come September I'm going to go part time and I'll use my new free time to embark on something totally different. I'm not arty or crafty or anything but maybe I could learn a new skill.

I've spoken to my husband about this numerous times. From the second he met me he's known I have a busy personality. I love what I have but I always strive to add more colour and do the next thing. He's very different in that regard. Same job for 15 odd years, wfh, would happily spend each weekend in front of sky sports.

I can't change him but I can change me. I can find things to stretch me.

Maybe appreciate what you have? And I don’t mean that nastily. Just take time to look around you and genuinely enjoy what is out there (not just what you possess)

I had two miscarriages between my 3rd and 4th child - had my last child at 37. Two miscarriages in a row is hard, and does make you doubt yourself. Especially nowadays when we tend to think want something = get something.

For me - the years of raising children were so busy that we didn’t have time to think - now the children are older we both have time to rediscover what it is we want from life.

Pre Covid we had a few weekends a way, and the first was really a bit odd - suddenly spending time with just each other and just being us again. But it is so good to strengthen that relationship.

Maybe your husband is a bit boring - but what are his good points? I’m the impulsive one in our relationship, but my husband gets a lot of practical things done. (I do do a lot too, but I don’t have his staying power with boring tasks).

I probably appreciate our marriage more (25 years) now, than I did even 10 year ago - when I maybe took it for granted a bit more. We both have space to be our own person, and that’s really important.

Ideally both people in a marriage grow and develop, in an individual sense but also together. Have you had a discussion with him about your need to set goals, have aspirations, seek novelty? Also asking about his needs? He might be someone who values stability and predictability, but there's no reason the two of you can't find common ground - encouraging each other to push your limits in the opposite direction.

@Grimsknee yes he very much likes stability and consistency. He's said as much. I like the comfort of stability but whilst knowing there's a chance for change and improvement too.

How about learning to do something that is going to take time. I know you said you’re not arty, but I’m learning to paint. It will take years to be any good. What about furniture making - you like renovating? Learn a language to a really high level. Visit countries where they speak that language. Work out how not to buy any single use plastic. Learn an instrument - take grade 8. Learn golf - get a handicap. Take A’level maths or something. Volunteer - I’m a school governor; it’s interesting and takes up time.

Would I be right in that what you are actually saying OP is that you are bored of your relationship with your DH. That without the distractions it feels stale? If so I think there are two aspects to this. The first is that your happiness is not his responsibility- as others have said, contentment comes from within. Bit the second thing is that it is very easy for some people to feel restless when they are made to feel secure, safe, cared for, and loved by someone stable and reliable. Sometimes people's feeling of attraction and longing are driven by danger, risk, vulnerability, uncertainty.
I think it's important that you don't see your DH as someone who is just there. He will have his own desires and passions - and is a full person too. For you to feel differently he may need to spend more time apart from you, and remind you that he has choices too. Do you think challenging your complacency would help?

No answers for you OP sadly, but I can totally relate to your post. I could have written your post. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen, waiting for the next step in my life .. what ever & when ever that is though. I only look forward to the few weeks in the sun each year (when allowed to travel). Life has become very much run-of-the-mill; it's predictable & a same old BORE. Even pre covid. There is no excitement. I cannot bear to plod on like this for the next 50 or so years. If you find the answers can you let me know plse and vice-versa.

If you fancy emigrating to a hot country and starting again, maybe start a business together in the sun then I would def be up for that Leave the run-of-the-mill life behind, leave the 2.4 kids and suburban lifestyle behind to do something completely different to the norm/expectation.

There's plenty to be busy with. Choose anything you want and be busy with it, there's literally a world of options! Maybe something sporty? Climbing? An area you can compete in?

Are you happy for the change to be something that is new for you? If you are looking to make change in your husband and relationship and he doesn't want that, then that is simply being incompatible. You never know, you starting something new might inspire him too.

@whattocallmyselfeh yes!!!

Could he be persuaded to do something new with you? It's going to be hard to grow together if all he wants to do is sit in front of the tv.

Why not start a sport together? Or do something like the 3 peaks challenge? Gets you out of the house is healthy and gets you to work towards something.

Or when covid allows start playing a team sport like hockey or netball.

Or learn a new language and challenge yourself to be able to speak it fairly well when you travel there.

Join a cause. I volunteer for an environmental movement and get a lot of satisfaction from that.

I can recommend house renovations for excitement, my parents did one after another whilst we were growing up. I commented on the sharing bath water thread that our bath was in the outhouse and the hot water in the kitchen!
I seem to be following suit although I’m sticking with internal plumbing only. So if you’ve finished your house sell it and buy another or you could start keeping animals and showing them. Larger animals if you’ve got space, chickens or rabbits if you’ve not much space.
I’ve got a DP who has tendencies to make life more exciting than it needs to be but there’s not the excitement in our relationship as there was at the beginning because we’re together and not going anywhere. Heddagarbled’s dad summed it up perfectly.

@TheHoneyBadger

Could he be persuaded to do something new with you? It's going to be hard to grow together if all he wants to do is sit in front of the tv.

Yes, could you try a new hobby together or similar? Do you personally want to set yourself new challenges or do something new with DH? If with him too, then it’s worth talking first about what might suit you both, find something you might both be keen to try.

I think it can be difficult when yours and your significant other’s drives for doing new things/having projects is quite different, but also you balance each other out and give each other what you might feel is lacking in yourselves. Appreciate the differences! Stability may feel dull but it’s such an important part of a healthy life, and new/different activities may feel scary at first but can often be enriching and fulfilling. Hopefully you can both meet in the middle somewhere!