Elderly neighbour phoned to ask what she’s done to upset me?

[MojAlone]

Not sure quite how to manage this situation - so advice would be appreciated! Back story is that we moved to a semi detached bungalow 2 years ago with a view to converting the loft space. Most of the bungalows along our road have been converted, our semi-detached neighbours have also extended to the back. We need a party wall agreement, and the neighbours instructed a surveyor. They also asked us to change our plans - which we did, even though they had already been passed. It’s caused us a lot of delay, we are still living out of packing boxes, and 2 year old still has to sleep in our room. We could move but I’d say it’s highly likely that a new owner here would renovate as bungalow is tatty, roof underlay has perished etc.

Elderly neighbours husband passed away before xmas. We’ve tried to be very supportive as she has no family. DP recently fixed her gate - but I’d say her behaviour was ‘odd’ - she kept saying she couldn’t open the gate, even though - when DP went round - she clearly could. But he continued to do little repairs etc to help.
She phones me regularly to complain about her tradesman etc e.g the postman is taking her post, the window cleaner has scratched her car, the gardener has covered her conservatory in dust etc.

She’s also phoned me on 2 occasions (1 was a Sunday morning early when it was snowing) to say there is a surveyor in the loft, and apologised for the noise. I don’t actually think anyone was there - no car outside, but the same happened this week. No car outside, she also said people have been in her house and been taking things - but it’s ok because her niece’s husband is a police officer (I’m 100 percent sure she has no family).
Yesterday she phoned again - and I really had to calm her down - and she said she was very upset because she thinks she has upset me. Followed by a 2 minute rant about a gardener.
I am ‘slightly’ backing away from communicating with her, but I do want to support her.
We’ve decided to leave our building work until potentially 2022 - as we feel very sorry for her, and don’t want to cause her additional trauma. We’ve put things on hold for about a year now. A surveyor has not been instructed yet - we’ve communicated with the surveyor they chose over a year ago, but as we pay all costs - no surveyor would survey her house until they’ve been officially instructed. I did email the surveyor about 6 months ago to say we are putting the project on hold due to Covid and to be considerate to our neighbour. But that’s all!

As someone who is unrelated to her, you will be in a hiding to nothing trying to get involved.

If you have rescuer and or saviour tendencies in relationships reign them right in. Do not become a rescuer and or saviour to this lady here; being either never works.

I would contact social services, as she's not well. Glad you've come to the same conclusion. If you can't get the form to work over the w/e, you could give them a ring on Mon.

My Nan had extreme paranoia that developed into psychosis which turned out to be caused by Lewy Body Dementia.
She had to be sectioned for her own safety.
At one point she phoned my Dad (her ex son in law) 40 times in one night!

Don't get drawn in as you are not family - you don't need that level of stress.
You are doing the right thing by contacting social services.
Just fill in the form, then leave it.

Don't postpone your building work either.
If the poor lady has dementia it will be worse next year.

Appreciate you want to help,OP, but your NDN may need professional input - sooner the better. Social services can get her assessed for dementia and there are trained dementia navigators to support those diagnosed.

Thus sounds like an Adult safeguarding referral or a call to the GP to ask them to assess her.

Either way, you are not best placed to do this and if nothing is wrong with her crackers on with your lift and stop pausing your life for her. Personally, I'm a friendly person but I could not deal with the volume of calls...

Many postings warning you about getting sucked in through mistaken kindness which I can only reiterate. I got sucked into a neighbors affairs through a kind act (filling out a DLA form for her) and soon she had taken over my life. I was doing all kinds of services for her although I myself was becoming gradually more disabled and no car. Even though she had a son (with a car) living with her she increasingly dug her claws in even after she moved to another part of the city. It took a very harsh phone call from a relative and blocking their calls to finally disengage.

I would stay with the advise to call social services and stay well out of things.

I'd put money on her being extremely lonely and just wanting to hear a human voice.

An elderly lady on my street used to stand outside with her TV remote in her hand claiming it wasn't working. It was, she used to take the batteries out and put them in the wrong way round. She saw nobody except her son who would turn up, drop a load of ready meals off which she didn't know how to cook then leave. (( said son also walked in on us one day when I was trying to help her with a frozen lasagne, and accused me of being some sort of thief. But that's a whole other thread!))

@icheatatscrabble that’s an excellent post - thank you for sharing your experience. I will raise the issue with SS, and the surveyor. I think I’ll continue to keep my communication with her bright, positive and friendly - and not react to accusations. I need to keep in mind that she’s had an extremely difficult time. The building work - I will just crack on. We are trying to find the right builder, and someone who will consider the needs of our neighbour. The longer we drag it out, the more anxiety it will cause her.

Does she have Parkinson's by any chance? I only ask because my Dad had it in his late 70s/early 80s (now sadly, has since died) and one of the major symptoms of Parkinson's can be hallucinations. He was convinced there were people in the house, they were coming to either take him away, take my mum away or just 'there'. He'd even make pots of tea 'for the men in the lounge' on a regular basis. To him it was real. And it's pretty common with advanced Parkinson's (and even some of the medication to control it) to have very vivid auditory and visual hallucinations.

I echo what others have said - you need to make adult social services aware. This could turn into an OAP safeguarding issue, and they are the best people to make that judgement if she has no family to look out for her. You're not her family, so she needs something official in terms of support that crosses all the 't's and dots all the 'i's of data protection and safeguarding.

Be honest, you'd never forgive yourself if something happened to your neighbour because you thought it was 'too soon' or 'too intrusive' to notify your adult social care team. Please make them aware. It's not going to get any better on its own.

All these posts are excellent - and I’m extremely grateful to hear your experiences.

And the form to SS is now going to be filled out in the PC, as I’ve managed to kick off DD!

Dementia. My lovely neighbour was like this, she thought our other neighbour’s son was stealing from her house. It is difficult as sometimes there can be a grain of truth in there, we worried that perhaps some teenage lads had been nosing around, and she had somehow thought one of them was our neighbour’s son ( definitely not him , he is very nice and also was away at uni). There were several incidents, and she turned up on my doorstep very distressed, early one morning, in her nightie. Not long after that she went into a care home.
Don’t take anything personally, just gently reassure her. Also be aware that sudden changes can be caused by something as simple as a UTI, a common cause of sudden onset “dementia” in the elderly that resolves as soon as the infection is sorted out.
Does she have no family at all ? Poor lady.

Sounds like a very difficult situation all round. Just out of interest, if you suspect a non-family member (neighbour etc.) may be suffering from dementia or has other issues, and you alert Adult Social Care, how do they deal with it? Presumably if they just turn up, or (more likely atm), initiate phone contact, that will just feed in to the person's feeling of paranoia and confusion, won't it? And presumably they can refuse to engage...

If you don't hear back from SS or don't notice anyone visiting her to check up on her you could ask the police to do a welfare check, that might also boost SS to get involved. If she's living alone and getting confused it's important she gets help soon. It definitely sounds as though it could be dementia or a similar condition, though it could even be confusion caused by a UTI or other infection, or even medication. Try not to take anything to heart and in the nicest way, don't feel she's your responsibility to care for.

@HunkyPunk

Sounds like a very difficult situation all round. Just out of interest, if you suspect a non-family member (neighbour etc.) may be suffering from dementia or has other issues, and you alert Adult Social Care, how do they deal with it? Presumably if they just turn up, or (more likely atm), initiate phone contact, that will just feed in to the person's feeling of paranoia and confusion, won't it? And presumably they can refuse to engage...

They would either do a welfare check by visiting her home and chatting with her whilst checking her living conditions and general state and then could speak to her GP and arrange an appointment for her to get checked out.

If the adult is unwilling to talk to them or becomes agitated they can liaise with the GP to visit them instead. If SS are concerned they won't just give up because the person is confused or paranoid. SS might also get a trusted person to visit when they do so the neighbour feels more comfortable.

A PP suggested Age UK, I found their advice to be excellent, I also spoke to Mind (I think it was them). Age UK were particularly sensitive to issues that you might encounter with older people eg dignity, cognitive decline, not wanting to make a fuss or admit to struggling, effects of bereavement, confidentiality and consent.

I would strongly recommend that you speak to them before you find yourself caught up in a very difficult position that will likely only get worse over time.

Finally, don't expect much of SS. My experience is that even after hours and hours of phone calls I got nowhere as a result of cuts, staff shortages, covid restrictions, lack of joined-up systems and frankly, indifference.

I don't think indifference is fair, it's strict criteria, lack of legal structure and lack of resources.

Classic dementia talk. It will, sadly, just get worse. SS is the only way to go unless you know a family member.
Just remove yourself slowly otherwise, from this point, she will drag you into her (often nonsensical) world.
You sound so kind.

Agree sounds like dementia. My dad started by phoning me saying things like his sister and daughter were visiting and he wants to go to bed, and saying the kids won't eat their toast. It was just him and the dog home. He thought my kids were there ☹️.