Poor relationships.

[Marigold364374]

I'll begin this by saying I am perimenopausal (I'm in my forties) and this probably has a lot to do with things but I've realised I've been taken for granted for a long time and not treated myself well either. It's as if I've had a wake up call.

I have been a sahm for several years, supporting husband with big job and being there for 3 dc. My previous job was okay but not something I felt passionate about. I had worked for many years.

I have no extended family (long back story) but a history of physical and emotional abuse resulting in my siblings and I suffering mental health issues (in my case chronic anxiety and depression from about the age of 13). No longer in contact with siblings.

My relationship with my husband is in a bad way (I found out he had been secretly watching porn). Don't want to go into this topic but it has crossed a boundary. Whilst he helps with the dc/around the home etc. I have no emotional support and I'm feeling out on a limb. I do not want to leave, I have accepted I'm staying...a myriad of reasons but this is where I'm at. Apart from my husband I have no other adults in my life (I have one very good friend) and a couple of others I'm in contact with from time to time.

My teenage dc is not nice toward me and I am running around after younger dcs...all giving...all one way (they are dc after all). Mostly, I feel like an invisible woman.

There are things I might like to study/do including try a small on-line business but I am indecisive and afraid to commit. Anxiety rears its head (I am awaiting therapy when covid eases to try and unravel all of the above). Then of course I have to rely on myself for encouragement. Meanwhile I am left with the drudge of day to day. Covid has made me realise I haven't actually got a life outside of the home...I discovered covid had very little impact on my life and this was a bit of a wake up call.

Right now, I want to buy a campervan and drive off to the coast somewhere (ideally acquiring a dog along the way).

I know I have a lot to be grateful for...no money worries, reasonable health (apart form hormone related issues) but I suppose I have had enough of having crappy relationships in one form or another and being taken for granted.

I don't know why I'm writing here...just to get it out of my head I suppose. My starting point is learning to treat myself better. It feels difficult when nobody else seems to care very much. Can anyone relate?

You have my sympathy I understand. I'm perimenopausal with two sometimes mean teens. I live in a country which is not mine and while my husband's family are lovely, they're not MY family.

I do have some friends...but I could push you along a bit with your online business. I run my business solely online and have for more than 10 years now.

Thank you for responding fortunesfave.

I was expecting to get blasted for staying in a not very good relationship. My bar is low for saying it is not abusive (though I have deflected one or two incidents of emotional abuse). I have weighed up things and now is not the time to take action (for several reasons - some to do with me, some to do with dc).

My way forward is to try and work on me a bit more. Try to develop some more social circles and an income (albeit small). I feel there is a lot of work to do on me first before I contemplate making big life decisions. I am not producing anything new, nor a service on-line, I suppose it is a desperate attempt to avoid returning to the office and have something flexible around the dc. I'm going to give it a try. What platform do you sell via or do you have your own website fortune?

I think the perimenopausal thing is really dragging me down...adding to the anxiety. My couple of friends either went through the menopause early or don't speak much about it (unless I start to moan which I don't like to do often) so it can feel isolating at times.

I'm sorry to hear you have the teen thing going on too. It is really hard to keep sane when you are trying to deal with your own stuff. If money were no object, I'd go out and buy that campervan (for temporary escapes - I couldn't abandon my dc).

If I were you, if your issues with peri are really impacting you, (which they can, especially regarding anxiety), my first course if action would be to talk to your doctor about HRT. I know from personal experience that HRT can be a lifesaver.

Can't take HRT Aqua. I have had discussions with GP. Trying to muddle on with a combination of other meds/supplements.

The lack of emotional support is crushing. It wasn't always like this (things changed and were massively impacted by the porn issue). I feel like I go it alone with most things now (my good friend is my saving grace at least I have some support there). The one thing I suppose that is happening is that over time I am becoming increasingly adept at handling my own emotions. Mumsnet is another good outlet and hopefully therapy (though expensive) will help too. Trying to build a support network is not easy when all your focus has been on the family/home. I used to fear being lonely when I'm older...but I've had a good taste of it already.

And when I read the relationship boards, the answer doesn't seem to lie with men. When I think about the men I've known fairly well (not many granted) only 20% have been respectful towards women.

Perimenopause is only part of your overall problem. Not loving your own self is a far greater problem here and that started in your childhood. Look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

I think you need to tackle the root and branch causes of your anxiety and depression stemming in all likelihood from the abuse you suffered in childhood. Its seeped into other areas of your life now and this along with your poor relationship with your H is affecting you (and in turn your children) markedly. Its no surprise really you feel as you do; anyone else would have felt the same in your position. Would you be willing and able to contact NAPAC online?. I have put a link up for you here:-

napac.org.uk/

Another site I would urge you to look at is BACP as there would be therapists in your hometown.

What do you get out of your relationship with your H now?.
You state you have chosen to stay but that is not a decision you should necessarily hold your own self to going forward. What do you see when you look at you in the mirror?. What do your children see in you when they look at you?. They see someone downtrodden and put upon and perhaps someone with no great respect, let alone love, for her own self. They sense your H's antipathy towards you. On a wider level do you think your children have picked up on their dad's attitude towards you and adopted that?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You say that you batted off a couple of instances of emotional abuse from him ; they are probably more aware of what is happening at home than either of you care to realise. Worst of all perhaps even blame themselves for their parents crap relationship. What are you both modelling to your children here relationship wise?.

Abuse like you've described from your H as well thrives on secrecy; how many others know about his emotional abuses of you. Not many I daresay so its time you started to open up to trusted people like your GP further and perhaps Womens Aid too.

I also feel that you need to get out of the house and into a workplace outside the home. Online working I feel would be a further retrograde step for you. If this is big outlay for little reward I would pass on this particular form of online working.

If a friend, let alone your son or daughter as an adult described this relationship to you what would your advice be to them?. Would you be advising them to stay and if so why?. Staying for now may be "easier" for you but it will indeed come at a further cost to you and to your DC and that is a price not worth paying. You only need to give your own self permission to leave ultimately.

I hear you!!!!!

I'm in 40s. It's been a turbulent time. My childhood was pretty bleak, and I've had a reasonable amount of therapy. As I just got severe anxiety and a lot of illness. The health issues are much worse in my 40s and I know a lot of it is rooted in past. And I've also got estrangement from some family in my 40s. Which has been deeply painful as it wasn't my choice.

I've had to face so much painful stuff in my 40s, mainly as I was brought up to be there for others and not myself. For years I didn't even know how to speak about myself. But in amongst the pain, I'm feeling positive right now. Yes, I need some new (nicer) friends. That was my aim in 2020, yeah turned out not so easy.

No one gives a shit my end either. But I really do now myself. I'm pretty invisible, and now in middle age, more than ever. But I feel more and more visable to myself. This is work though. I do a lot of stuff online this last year. HRT may be the answer to some stuff but isn't the answer to existential woes. It's time to hear the calling, wake up to yourself/ourselves. If not now, when???
All well worn cliche phrases but heartfelt. All the best x

No one gives a shit my end either. But I really do now myself. I'm pretty invisible, and now in middle age, more than ever. But I feel more and more visable to myself.

This is beginning to shine through for me too. You realise you have no other option but to take care of yourself.

Like you caketherapy I have had a reasonable amount of therapy over the years.

Attila

I find your posts pretty hard hitting. Yes, there might be a lot of truth in what you say but it is not always as straight forward as this, I'm sorry but it isn't - we don't live in an ideal world. And sometimes it is a question of timing too (and I appreciate life is short but each situation is different and you have to stand back and look outside of the tunnel).

Doing stuff on-line is only part of the plan. The other part of my plan is doing voluntary work and joining social groups. Also, I needn't work from home when doing this as there are free shared offices/desks nearby which I plan to access. Sacrificing money will give me more control in a way...I don't want to enter the corporate world etc. I want to feel I have some power over what I'm doing. I'm set up fairly well money wise whatever the outcome I believe. In any case, my earning potential is not great and a mediocre wage would come as sacrifice of seeing my dc less. No I will never be wealthy but nor would I be working in an office/support work etc. I think Attila, some realism is needed in these situations.

I've had to face so much painful stuff in my 40s, mainly as I was brought up to be there for others and not myself. For years I didn't even know how to speak about myself.

This too caketherapy. I think I come over as having attitude sometimes/irritable. I would love to hear more of your story/how you are dealing with your situation if you are able to share?

If a friend, let alone your son or daughter as an adult described this relationship to you what would your advice be to them?. Would you be advising them to stay and if so why?

My dc might have refuge with me. I have refuge with no-one. Absolutely no-one. Our quality of life would in many ways be affected. Different when you have older dc maybe...I would have no chance of any life outside of the home due to childcare commitments...or maybe yes...to toddle off to the office...to come home and take on all of the household slog...to sit down at night absolutely exhausted... miss my dc because they are staying with their dad...to enter more crappy relationships...my dc to share a bedroom...there are other sides to this.

And you might think sharing bedrooms is not a thing. I've talked to a woman recently who upsized even though it was a financial stretch to give her older dc a bedroom each.

I have my own website Marigold If you want to start an online business, then you really just have to go for it.

What line is it? I can advise probably.

Hmm another 40+ peri / probably meno sahm thinking along the same lines. I don't know how I've ended up here but I need to change for me. Marriage is dead, I absolutely cringe around him and his selfish attitude is so evident 12 yrs on! Very controlling/ manipulative behaviour which in the beginning I wasn't looking for.. I can't walk away, not unless I have a huge lottery win and if I did, he'd be lucky to get a farewell note!

I am awaiting therapy when covid eases

@Marigold364374 I've had a lot of experience of therapy, and found that therapy via Zoom/video link is just as good if not better, so I recommend that in the meantime. If you have a therapist lined up, they'll probably be able to do it. You just would need a time/space when you have the privacy. It definitely is worth the money I think, and I live on quite a low income.

Yes, there might be a lot of truth in what you say but it is not always as straight forward as this, I'm sorry but it isn't - we don't live in an ideal world

I think Attila, some realism is needed in these situations.

Being separated or single isn't unrealistic- a lot of us do it and it's great. Even if you end up on benefits it's ok. You will have more peace and freedom.

Perimenapause is something people blame for a lot of things nowadays. I think a lot of people would feel the way you're feeling in your situation and with your past. It's not a result of a hormonal blip or anything- stuff is really happening that you are responding to in a perfectly normal way.

There are also ways we look at life afresh/more deeply at different ages/stages.

I'm 44 and have learned a lot about life in the last few years but I'm not in perimenopause I don't think. Either way, your reactions are normal, they're not a result of a hormonal freakout or anything.

to enter more crappy relationships

That's not compulsory.

Yep. Totally understand. My H is currently giving me the silent treatment. 6th time in a year. It’s crushing.

On the issue of respect and relationships in general - my dc who is 14 has very little respect for me mainly due to the fact that I am currently a sahm (3 dc).

I decided that I wanted children and that I would make them priority after my childhood experience. I am not going to enter the realms of sahm debate because as with most things in life there are pros and cons to everything. My teenage dc didn't realise that I own half of our home until today - they thought their father did because he paid for it. What dc hasn't seen is the many years I worked full-time pre children (I had them later). The money invested in my own property pre marriage albeit small helped us to climb the housing ladder. Working part-time around 2 children with absolutely zero support - no extended family etc. I chose not to go down the route of wrap around childcare, getting a job to fit in with family life. Teenage dc has not realised that I have been the backstop around my husband's big job but does appreciate that my tutoring (and the additional time I could give because I was at home) helped them access grammar school. I was there at a moments notice because in his younger days husband would have to travel quite a bit and stay away. Dc only sees the value of things in monetary terms which I find sad. I would not have chosen a career over children (I know some women have both)...that is my choice but my childhood shaped how I would then go on to mother. I have done pretty real considering my own upbringing and then comes...the disrespect and being unappreciated. It's a steep learning curve having a teenager in the house.

And yes, I do wonder how I got to feeling like this. Yep, I reckon that camper van (with dog) is looking more and more attractive!

Am I missing something? Why is him watching porn such a huge issue?

Unless you give him sex on tap, you can't get annoyed at him sorting himself out, and lots of people (men and women) enjoy porn.

OP, I think a lot of women in their 40's or late 40's can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I also struggled with lack of emotional support from my husband but also, like you, I am not ready to leave and give up on the relationship because of that. There has been a lot of other forms of support, like financial support and in the day to day running of the house, and with the children too.

Like you, my children and I live in a comfortable house, and have no financial stresses. We're not wealthy and I work part time, but if I had to do it on my own, I would be a wreck, both emotionally and financially.

Everybody's situation is different and we only know the extent of our problems and how much we are willing and able to put up with.

Like you, I had a difficult childhood because my parents' relationship was terrible. They divorced and I went through periods of so much instability and financial strife. I don't want that for my children, and I have always made their needs a priority for that reason. I completely understand parents who say they don't want to divorce because of their children. I think they truly care. Mine put themselves first all along and it caused me so much pain since I was a small child.

I think you are on the right path for the time being. Try to work things out with your husband if you can. Most relationships have their ups and downs. Concentrate on your own business, and try to find hobbies and activities that make you feel good about yourself.

Allow yourself time to rest and reflect. You don't need to make any massive life changing decisions right now.

I find exercising really helped me too. It does boost my mood and makes me feel good about myself. It all starts with baby steps to begin with but gradually adopting healthy habits and routines that strengthen your sense of self and self-esteem.

The problems you have with your teenager are also solvable. Try to speak to him/her and point out regularly the work you do around the house and for the children. That's valuable too but you need to make them see that. I constantly remind my children of little things that do for them, like mopping the floors, changing the bedding and cleaning the toilets. I also ask them for help, and point out constantly that it has to be teamwork. Most of the time, they do get it and they're happy to help.

Not entering porn debate here, it will de-rail thread.

greenandblue

Thank you so much for posting - I find it validating and reassuring that I am not alone in my line of thinking and reflection upon difficulties. Yes, I figured it was best to focus more upon me for the time being, covid has made me realise how small my world is. I need to find a tribe(s) - perhaps connected to my hobby. Yes to exercise also, I think this would help a lot and there are perhaps 2 or 3 avenues to follow. Baby steps is where it's at...I'm a bit of an all or nothing person I think (probably something to do with perfectionism and inner critic) so I need to bear this in mind. And, definitely no to big life decisions right now. As for teenager, it is so frustrating because they are bigger than me but are not occupying adult space in their head (and furthermore don't want to and probably can see responsibility heading their way). I'm trying to be understanding...I've heard things can improve as they head into their 20's.

I think you should do absolutely everything you can, every second of every day, to make your life better, easier, more entertaining, more enjoyable for yourself. ALL THE TIME.

Treat yourself like royalty. Provide yourself with all of the things you want that you humanly can. Nobody else is treating you well, but if nobody's taking any notice, they won't care if you suddenly have 10 new hobbies or a bunch of new clothes or piano lessons or a 1 year chocolate subscription or regular massages or an entire book collection by your favourite author etc etc etc Or a dog.

Baby steps can be incorporated into an 'all or nothing' mindset by telling yourself you will do it all within 1 year, and you will not let yourself fail. You can't do it all in a minute, and you wouldn't expect yourself to. You have to set a realistic time goal for your 'all'.

I love your suggestions Eckhart: chocolate, books and a dog...a winning combination!

I'm a bit wary of setting a time limit - you will do it all within 1 year, and you will not let yourself fail. I think I might get stressed by this because I have a fear of failure however I see what you mean. Lots of stuff is floating about in my head. Treating myself well is a new thing...really only since lockdown as it dawned on me how badly my self talk has been. It's a really big change just treating myself well by talking to myself in a nicer more gentle way. I think I've got used to working myself around people and with young dc I think this is still inevitable. However, this does not mean I can't step out of my comfort zone a bit.

I think you should do absolutely everything you can, every second of every day, to make your life better, easier, more entertaining, more enjoyable for yourself. ALL THE TIME.

Will have to think about this one. I'm not sure it is possible to achieve this but again I understand the thinking behind it.

@wusbanker. The OP can find anything she wants unacceptable- and If porn is her ‘unacceptable’ that’s up to her. It’s not up to you to not see an issue— I don’t personally see an issue with all sorts of things that others here do and I do have issues with things that others here do not— we are all different as to what we find ok

Give yourself 5 years, then. And in terms of doing everything nice for yourself all the time, you could instead change that to learning to be aware of what would be the nicest thing you could do for yourself. A constant background thought of 'What would make this moment nicer for me?'

We're all works in progress, and some of our comfort zones are decidedly uncomfortable. Any progress towards being happier each day is brilliant.

I’ve faced this issue with teen DC although I worked part time. In our case the issue was about salary and knowing DH earned a lot more and being dismissive about my contribution. So I decided to sit him down and explain very clearly how he benefited from me not working full time and I said I expected an apology for his comments . DH backed me up. Things were a lot better after that.