Poor relationships.

[Marigold364374]

I'll begin this by saying I am perimenopausal (I'm in my forties) and this probably has a lot to do with things but I've realised I've been taken for granted for a long time and not treated myself well either. It's as if I've had a wake up call.

I have been a sahm for several years, supporting husband with big job and being there for 3 dc. My previous job was okay but not something I felt passionate about. I had worked for many years.

I have no extended family (long back story) but a history of physical and emotional abuse resulting in my siblings and I suffering mental health issues (in my case chronic anxiety and depression from about the age of 13). No longer in contact with siblings.

My relationship with my husband is in a bad way (I found out he had been secretly watching porn). Don't want to go into this topic but it has crossed a boundary. Whilst he helps with the dc/around the home etc. I have no emotional support and I'm feeling out on a limb. I do not want to leave, I have accepted I'm staying...a myriad of reasons but this is where I'm at. Apart from my husband I have no other adults in my life (I have one very good friend) and a couple of others I'm in contact with from time to time.

My teenage dc is not nice toward me and I am running around after younger dcs...all giving...all one way (they are dc after all). Mostly, I feel like an invisible woman.

There are things I might like to study/do including try a small on-line business but I am indecisive and afraid to commit. Anxiety rears its head (I am awaiting therapy when covid eases to try and unravel all of the above). Then of course I have to rely on myself for encouragement. Meanwhile I am left with the drudge of day to day. Covid has made me realise I haven't actually got a life outside of the home...I discovered covid had very little impact on my life and this was a bit of a wake up call.

Right now, I want to buy a campervan and drive off to the coast somewhere (ideally acquiring a dog along the way).

I know I have a lot to be grateful for...no money worries, reasonable health (apart form hormone related issues) but I suppose I have had enough of having crappy relationships in one form or another and being taken for granted.

I don't know why I'm writing here...just to get it out of my head I suppose. My starting point is learning to treat myself better. It feels difficult when nobody else seems to care very much. Can anyone relate?

I don’t have any wisdom to offer, OP, but I did just want to say that you come across as a very thoughtful and insightful person. I do hope you find a way to turn some of the care and thought you give to others towards yourself as you richly deserve it. I know this is so hard for those of us who come from emotionally deprived or abusive backgrounds. I second the recommendations for baby steps, and exercise and eating right does a huge amount for me, not least because it’s a way of constantly reminding myself that I matter too and deserve to be treated well and looked after.

Thank you for all of your lovely comments. Justawoman your comments have brought a tear to my eye. I have a huge amount to process. My GP described me as a caring person. Obviously, I have a shadow side too, we all do but no-one's exempt from finding themselves feeling like this...as with a lot of things in life there is a lot of unfairness. Having said that, I don't want to be stuck in a victim role. It's just trying to find tribe(s) to run with and mid-life is turning out to be a bit of turning point I think. My eldest child is heading toward adulthood but I have also got a very young dc (I had my last two dc later in life), so it is trying to accommodate my needs around the needs of others still. I'm hoping a bit of psychotherapy will help with all of this, I hope I will be able to see things clearer. And yes, a 5 year plan does feel more doable.