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Original poster

Change in DP sex drive. How to deal with.

34 replies

crazylikethis · 26/03/2021 13:01

My DP's sex drive seems to have taken a nose dive quite suddenly in the last few months. We've been together for coming up to 20 years Shock Shock and our sex life was always strong and good.

For it to change so suddenly has really thrown me. It's always been such a big part of 'us'. I feel bad but I'm fearing we don't have a future. We are in our 40s and sexual intimacy is important to me.

I've asked and asked. He says nothing is wrong, no stresses, refuses point blank to go to the doctor. When we do it he can get an erection. Says he's still attracted to me but it sure doesn't seem it.

I've also tried saying nothing for a while and he seems happy as Larry just going on our walks and doing our hobby together.

We only get a few hours a week alone as we live with family. He used to relish this time but nowadays he is up and talking about what will we do today let's do x y or z, no lie ins together.

I feel terribly disloyal but I am struggling. I feel like his best friend rather than his partner. I don't know if I can go on like this for much longer, it's just such a change and I feel rejected and like i'd have to dull parts of my self in order to stay.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 26/03/2021 13:15

Hate to say it, but has his head been turned busy someone else? Not necessarily a physical relationship, but an emotional one ( or ‘platonic friendship’ as men tend to view it). Has there been any other suspicious activity - longer working hours, private about his phone.? Change of image?

If not, worth speaking to the gp. Consultations are generally by phone nowadays, so less embaressing, and then he may be called for a blood test. Can you force the issue and book a call for him?

It almost sounds like he is avoid intimacy by trying to be super active.

Original poster
crazylikethis · 26/03/2021 13:20

Whilst I couldn't say 100% his head hasn't been turned, I highly highly doubt it. No longer working hours (from home), no suspicious phone activity, no appearance change, no changes other than way less interest in sex. He never goes anywhere without me or one of the DC really (not new and not by my instigation).

He won't even phone the doctor. Completely refuses. Think it hurts his pride to admit something may be wrong.

OP posts:
litterbird · 26/03/2021 13:46

You say you live with family? Are you referring to your own DCs or are you living with parents too? If so, how long has this been going on for? I am just guessing its just lockdown, living with a house full, no real time together and he is going through a 'phase'. I think every relationship goes through libido changes. He is getting older now too. Keep and eye on it and see if anything changes soon. If not keep communication open.

Original poster
crazylikethis · 26/03/2021 13:58

No it's not just lockdown. We live with our DCs but also other family. Since 2014.

OP posts:
SavingsQuestions · 26/03/2021 14:02

You'd give up after just 3 months?!

BJHair · 26/03/2021 14:23

Is he on any medication
Co -codamal or anything with codine in can affect sex drive so can tramadol

Hopra · 26/03/2021 14:53

He may have some stuff going on in his head. Men rarely admit to feeling pressured or stressed and hardly ever visit the doctor for things like that. You need to give him space, enagage in conversation and just be there for each other now in these tough times. I find it hard to think you would walk away after 20 years after just a few months. Isn’t marriage supposed to be about being there in the bad times as well as the good?

SavingsQuestions · 26/03/2021 15:37

We'd be horrified if this was a man wanting to ditch a woman because her drive was low for a few months.

Original poster
crazylikethis · 26/03/2021 15:47

No medication.

I get that it's not reasonable to leave, I didn't say I am making any plans to leave, just that I am struggling and can't keep like this indefinitely. I feel terribly disloyal and guilty for considering leaving. Sex and affection are big parts of life for me though, and it's how we always communicated. It's been around 8 months actually, and it's also his refusal to communicate about it.

Rightly or wrongly, my self esteem is impacted too. I keep wondering does he still fancy other women.

OP posts:
hereyehearye · 26/03/2021 15:52

I mean, you're in lockdown and you're living with other family and you only get a few hours a week alone. Maybe he's tired?

Can you do something about that first?

Before asking him to go the doctor?

I mean 20 years of marriage and he has a low libido in the middle of a year long lockdown due to a global pandemic and the worst recession since the Great Depression.

Could you maybe (politely) get out of your own arse and actually pretend to give a crap about the guy as something beyond your self esteem boosting sex toy?

Allypallya · 26/03/2021 15:56

Could you maybe (politely) get out of your own arse and actually pretend to give a crap about the guy as something beyond your self esteem boosting sex toy?

This.
Can you imagine the responses if this were a guy talking about his wife.

Whydidimarryhim · 26/03/2021 16:43

Is he going through a mid life crisis but he’s had a drop in testosterone?
It’s a difficult one if he won’t go to the gap though.
Give him time and see if it increases. I assume your not putting him under pressure to perform.
Can people ever have too much sex? Maybe he needs a break. Is he still affectionate to you?

ProfessorSillyStuff · 26/03/2021 16:58

Try making yourself available a little less and instill some mystery into things, get a hobby away from him.

Wherearemymarbles · 26/03/2021 19:21

If you are considering leaving after only a few months you are a fair weather friend indeed and you husband has my sympathy

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 26/03/2021 19:59

I don't see why you should stay in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship, although clearly others disagree.

missbridgerton · 26/03/2021 20:04

I'd say it's age related.

DH was a PITA in his 20s and 30s. By 40 it was waning and we were on the same level for the 1st time in our relationship.

By the time he turned 50, it was nada.

optimistic40 · 26/03/2021 20:07

I had this situation, but not in a 20 year relationship - still with someone I love very much.

There is something about the rejection, out of nowhere, which is hard to deal with.

Perhaps it is the whole lockdown situation? If you are in the the UK, it is supposed to be easing off soon and it could be worth waiting for improvements.

Also, in the meantime, focus on other things. Any kind of pressure - even small amounts, even you emerging from the shower and giving him a "look", even lying in bed together in the mornings - he KNOWS that previously you would've been having sex and you aren't now. Remove any type of pressure and see how it goes. Maybe he is feeling down and could use your acceptance, for now.

Rewis · 26/03/2021 20:58

How often did you used to have sex and how often you do now?

Could it be something so simple that he is a man in his 40's and his sex drive has just naturally lowered or he doesn't just get erections every day?

When you talked about it, how did the conversation actually go? Did you talk about intimacy rather than sex? I feel like there is several steps missed. Assuming this is something more than just temporarily stressed and not feeling so hot. It takes time for some men to go to GP with something like this. Also, in my experience (my bf has ED) the gp's can be very dismissive with this (it has sucked and really affected my bf's confidence).

Rewis · 26/03/2021 21:03

@dieblauenStrumpfhosen

I don't see why you should stay in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship, although clearly others disagree.
I'm not sure anyone is suggesting that. But few months of less sex in 20 year relationship (assuming no other issues) sounds like something that could be given a bit more time and conversation before sending divorce papers.
JellyBabiesFan · 26/03/2021 21:03

"Could you maybe (politely) get out of your own arse and actually pretend to give a crap about the guy as something beyond your self esteem boosting sex toy*

Also this

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 26/03/2021 22:55

Do you not think it could be lockdown related? 8 months is the time when I think we started realising that it wasnt going to be 'a few weeks'. If your day to day life is different to before it could just be that. Its affecting everyones relationships when people go from seeing each other in the evening and talking about their day, to seeing each other all day every day

Bagelsandbrie · 26/03/2021 23:14

@missbridgerton

I'd say it's age related.

DH was a PITA in his 20s and 30s. By 40 it was waning and we were on the same level for the 1st time in our relationship.

By the time he turned 50, it was nada.

I think this is very true for many people.
Workinghardeveryday · 26/03/2021 23:21

What is PITA and nada?!!

Notthemessiah · 26/03/2021 23:23

Poor sod - you should feel disloyal if, after 20 years together, it only takes three months of not getting quite as much sex as you'd like and you're already half way out the door.

MarieDelaere · 26/03/2021 23:24

@Workinghardeveryday

What is PITA and nada?!!
Pain in the ass & nothing
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