Change in DP sex drive. How to deal with.

[crazylikethis]

My DP's sex drive seems to have taken a nose dive quite suddenly in the last few months. We've been together for coming up to 20 years and our sex life was always strong and good.

For it to change so suddenly has really thrown me. It's always been such a big part of 'us'. I feel bad but I'm fearing we don't have a future. We are in our 40s and sexual intimacy is important to me.

I've asked and asked. He says nothing is wrong, no stresses, refuses point blank to go to the doctor. When we do it he can get an erection. Says he's still attracted to me but it sure doesn't seem it.

I've also tried saying nothing for a while and he seems happy as Larry just going on our walks and doing our hobby together.

We only get a few hours a week alone as we live with family. He used to relish this time but nowadays he is up and talking about what will we do today let's do x y or z, no lie ins together.

I feel terribly disloyal but I am struggling. I feel like his best friend rather than his partner. I don't know if I can go on like this for much longer, it's just such a change and I feel rejected and like i'd have to dull parts of my self in order to stay.

Pain in the ass - PITA
Nada = nothing

Could be several things.
Lockdown stress getting to him
Normal ageing process causing sex drive to wane
Some other health condition

If he is still generally happy fit & healthy, I would probably go with normal ageing

Man here, if he has gone off sex for as long as 8 months and refuses to talk about it then I think the OP has reasonable cause for concern. I don't think a sudden loss of interest is likely to be due to ageing - that would be much more gradual and anyway if he is healthy in other respects 40s is very young to lose libido. And if he can still get an erection when required then I doubt there's a physical problem so the GP might not be much help.

Can you arrange a weekend away together as soon as lockdown eases? If you live with family they can have the DC for a night or two? We always find that staying in hotels massively boosts sexual desire! And try not to pressure him about it - turn down the volume, book a hotel and take it from there.

Maybe he needs a bit of space. You know when your toddlers are crawling all over you all day and you don't get any time or space? Maybe that's how he feels.

Can a doctor's appointment by phone or Zoom call be arranged? Might be less difficult than being seen going into a surgery, and some men I expect would find it easier to talk over the phone than in person.

Maybe he's just in a rut or stressed or feeling below par. Or feeling hemmed in if he's working at home with a large family.

Lockdown will be over soon. I'd start pencilling in things you will do in May and June. Not a romantic weekend away with big expectations but simple fun stuff like meals out. And wait for him to come to you, don't push.

Maybe use the shops opening up to give yourself a lift too - hair, clothes etc.

Thank you all for the input.

I can't afford hair / clothes stuff, but it never used to matter before. I have put on weight (a stone) this year, which needs to come off. I've asked and asked him if it's that, but he says he's still attracted to me. I'm not sure.

The conversations we have had about it, he just says it's his age. We got together quite young and I'd assumed drive in men didn't lower as young as this!! He's not that healthy. Smokes, drinks a little too much, he's overweight but has a physical job and eats healthy.

I understand where some of you are coming from in saying I'm disloyal. I do feel it a bit. It's difficult to describe, but he's not a great communicator so sex was always a big way we communicated. We've had stresses and problems and resentments over the years and sex was one of the major ways we ironed things out. We've never had much money to do many things (we do have a shared hobby, the DC have a couple hobbies each, we holiday in UK), so sex was a big part of our time together. If we can find a way to replace these aspects then of course I'll stay.

The frequency suddenly went from 4/5ish times a week to once a week or sometimes once a fortnight, and not as varied as before.

I don't initiate, but I do see how I 'hint' and I will stop that now, to take the pressure off him and I want to see if he's doing 'duty sex' I'll pretend I don't need it anymore. He's still affectionate with me.

@Anothernick Do you think he has gone off me??

Problem is OP, if your relationship was more about sex and their wasn’t that much of a connection in other ways— then that’s why you don’t feel that ‘connection’ to see why the change— the same is true the reverse way around , if a relationship is all about ‘the connection’ and less about sex then it’s fine tucking along, unless one partner suddenly changes and wants sex a lot or suddenly develops a bit of a sleazy side etc. The best relationships do tend to have balance and yours sounds like the sex side was nurtured at the expense of ‘a connection’

I'd doubt if he's gone off you, if a guy has a strong libido he will want sex even if you might be going through a rough patch - my relationship is quite like yours in some ways, regular sex is a very important way of reconnecting. Any interruption in the normal pattern is a matter of concern to both of us, if I went much more than a week without coming on to my DW she would be asking what was wrong. And when we were younger "makeup sex" often followed arguments, we don't argue much now so it isn't needed.

A sudden drop in libido is most likely down to stress in my view, it can be a downward spiral, you don't want sex because you are stressed and the lack of sex makes you more stressed. But 8 months is a long time for this to persist and if it's gone on this long then it is reasonable of you to try and prod him into doing something about it. I think he is using age as an excuse and there is more to it than that.