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Original poster

advice needed

34 replies

missydee17 · 26/03/2021 07:35

advice please

I, 35f 2 boys to previous partner and my bf 38 been together a year , very happy, live separate.. bf wants us to have baby together which i’m happy about but i feel it’s better to live together first ( i need that commitment before baby ) but he doesn’t want to move in yet ( family commitment ) but said a baby would be his excuse to move out. he’s always upset when i say we need forget about baby until we are together as a family and u feel awful , he says ‘ it’s obv not written for me’ things are perfect with us and i’d love him to move in but i think he’s scared to give up his home and move out. but a baby is a bigger step surely ? help ! no bad comments please.. x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2021 07:38

You should be running for the hills.

londongirl12 · 26/03/2021 07:40

What's the family commitment that stops him from moving in with you? It's very odd he wants a baby first before you move in

Palavah · 26/03/2021 07:40

Why does he need an 'excuse' to move out? What's the family commitment?
It doesn't sound great, tbh.

NeverMetANiceOne · 26/03/2021 07:40

He's not prepared to commit enough to move in together but he wants you to carry a baby and then look after it on your own while he thinks about moving in once the baby is here?

Big waving red flag of a no.

pog100 · 26/03/2021 07:42

The very opposite of a healthy relationship and therefore in no way is it right to bring a baby into this. Reconsider the whole relationship, he is telling you plainly what sort of partner he is.

Jesskir89 · 26/03/2021 07:45

Op I'm sorry but you've only been together a year... I wouldn't rush this wait another year and see what happens

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2021 07:46

Why doesn’t he want to live with you? Hope you’re using contraception

ThatOtherPoster · 26/03/2021 07:47

He's not prepared to commit enough to move in together but he wants you to carry a baby and then look after it on your own while he thinks about moving in once the baby is here?

Big waving red flag of a no.

This. Every word of this.

Lampan · 26/03/2021 07:51

If he doesn’t want to live with you now, the prospect is going to be even less enticing when you have a baby surely? How bizarre. He likes you enough to have a baby with but not enough for you to live together at the moment? Right...
What is this family commitment he has? And how will it suddenly go away if you have a baby?

Inthefuture · 26/03/2021 07:52

He wants you to have the baby first!

Why does he need an ‘excuse’ to move out?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2021 07:58

Relatively new relationship, him pressuring you to have a baby against all better judgment, not even a hint of commitment from him... he has "abuser" written all over him.

seensome · 26/03/2021 08:00

No way, live together first and make sure that works before having a baby.

updownroundandround · 26/03/2021 08:03

@missydee17

No, nope, no way !

This 'man' is telling you that he has to conjure up an excuse to be able to live with you, and he thinks that bemoaning his lack of children will somehow 'force your hand' and agree to having a baby ??

Really ??

I'm afraid I'd be far more concerned about his total lack of commitment to being a bloody adult who is responsible for his own bloody choices !! ( To say nothing of his total lack of commitment to you either ffs !)

If he's not grown up enough to decide by himself who he lives with or doesn't live with, then he's not mature enough to be a bloody parent, is he ?

He's a middle aged man FFS, not some 19 yr old, and he needs to start behaving like an actual grown up.

You'd be well advised to kick him to the kerb, because he will always blame 'someone' or 'something' else for his inability to make his own decisions. This means that if you did have his baby, then it won't be his fault that he still can't live with you..................so you will be literally be 'left holding the baby' !

Fireflygal · 26/03/2021 08:04

He is using you to have a baby but doesn't want the day to slog that goes with family life. You are worth move than this.

I imagine he wants to live like a single man (going out when he wants, spend his own money, gaming, getting up when he wants) whilst you look after his baby and he'll visit when it suits him. He has even warned you that he's likely to move out if you have a baby.

Please don't even consider this unless you want to have another baby and be a single mum. His attempts to make you feel sorry for him is manipulation.

If he has got to 38 without children that's his choice..don't let him wear you down. Also wait for 2 years, the first year is honeymoon stage, he is likely to revert to who he really is around 2 years. For your other children proceed really slow, just continue to date.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2021 08:05

Wtf? He wants you to have a kid but he’s not wanting to live with you and be a family unit with you and your kids first?

I’d dump that immediately.

Blanca87 · 26/03/2021 08:05

There’s been a couple of threads recently where the women relents in getting pregnant and the guy dumps said women midway through/ end of the pregnancy . Don’t do it.

HikingInTheHills · 26/03/2021 08:10

Why are you even considering this? Just be a single parent with no support from the beginning as that’s how it will end up.

DeathToCovid · 26/03/2021 08:12

Please please don’t do this! As everyone else has rightly pointed out this is a massive red flag. Huge. You’ve only known each other a year, you don’t live together, he is showing no signs of making a commitment.

Does he not realise that having a baby isn’t easy? The pregnancy can be hard, the lack of sleep, the toddler tantrums. If he never moves in, you’ll be the one dealing with all that whilst he plays doting dad from afar, or worse he disappears because it hits him a baby is a massive lifelong commitment. Is that something you want?

Unanananana · 26/03/2021 08:15

He won't move in ever. He sees you as a brood mare and nanny. He wants a child but have you do the hard slog while he pops in and out to Disney dad when it suits him. I hope you are using contraception.

Usagi12 · 26/03/2021 08:17

You should not do this. Did you read the thread on here yesterday from the woman in a very similar situation to yours? She's now a single mum to a 4 month old. Move in, blend your family, get married and then think of a baby. He shouldn't need you to get pregnant as an excuse to move out 🙄

cookiedoughsweetiepie · 26/03/2021 08:32

You all need to know if you can make it work as a family unit before you have a baby. You are right. You owe this to yourself and the your DC. It will take some time
To set up new family rules that respect his views also, boundaries, his role to DC, finances, chores and distribution of work. And this has to be established before the stress and workload of a new baby is added in.

Do not bring a baby into the world without these things nailed down.

There are many many threads on here of people in awful situations who regret being naive and taking huge risks.

StephenBelafonte · 26/03/2021 08:37

Your boyfriend has asked if he can impregnate you but he hasn't asked if he can marry you! Shock tell him to fuck off!

Justcallmebebes · 26/03/2021 08:48

Preferably get married before you have a baby unless you are in a very strong financial position and can afford to support yourself and a baby. Please don't give up your house as you are leaving yourself in a very, very vulnerable position. Also beware of moving someone in who you can't get rid of when it all goes belly up. It's a big fat no from me

Marineboy67 · 26/03/2021 09:03

This is all ass over tit. You should be enough for him to want to move in with you. Asking you to have a child with him will give him a reason to become a family unit. You already have this though.
Sounds like a selfish immature idiot to me, 38 in body and 18 in his mind. Jog on matey!

KirstenBlest · 26/03/2021 09:31

Not RTFT.
Bin the arsehole boyfriend or you'll be a single mum to 3 kids.

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