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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adultery or Unreasonable behaviour?

28 replies

DonnieDarkosWife · 25/03/2021 19:03

Husband left 9 mnths ago citing a need for space, as is usual on here, OW eventually came out of woodwork a few mnths later. He wants me to divorce him on Unreasonable behaviour grounds, I think it should be on grounds of Adultery as that's what it is but he is claiming nothing physical happened pre him walking out but since admitted he has been in touch with her for over a year so IMO EA, who knows what the actual truth is, I am not even sure he knows.
Oh, should add he doesn't want her named on divorce papers!?
Am thinking he has lied about when he left or spun a BS story about how we lived under one roof but separately, no sex etc, the usual tripe they trot out.
All lies I might add.
He has moved in with her in a different county and is wreaking havoc re contact with kids but thats another thread entirely. So divorce for the actual reason or go unreasonable behaviour. Which is quicker? I want him out of my life but feel like giving into his request for grounds makes me look like I was in agreement to separate when in actual fact I was completely blindsided and have only just got to the stage of not obsessing over myself, him, her etc. So ready to move on, words of wisdom appreciated. Must point out, I am UK but not the mainland so different laws may apply.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Watto1 · 25/03/2021 19:06

My sister was told when she divorced that there has to be absolute proof that sex took place in order to use adultery as a reason for divorce. So unless there is proof (such as a baby) then you will have to use unreasonable behaviour I’m afraid.

Wanderlusto · 25/03/2021 19:10

Well you cant prove he was sleeping with her before he left you...you can only assume.

If it doesn't make any difference to the divorce settlement then I think I'd pick your battles tbh.

Also...you could argue that shaging someone else is 'unreasonable behaviour' lol.

Just do what you need to do to get him gone. Dragging it out just makes it look like you care about what he thinks.

potkettleblock · 25/03/2021 19:12

Adultery is hard to prove unfortunately. When going for unreasonable behaviour you need to list examples of that behaviour, cheating can be one of them eg. ‘formed an inappropriate relationship with another woman’ etc

againandagainoncemore · 25/03/2021 19:14

Sorry you're having such a shit time. Just go with unreasonable behaviour. Get it done. With adultery the burden of proof lies with you whereas unreasonable behaviour covers a multitude of sins

Icantaffordahugetaxbill · 25/03/2021 19:22

When you give your reasons you can put something like “Formed an inappropriate relationship with another woman” which makes it clear. I totally get it wanting to be a true reflection but in the long run you want rid and that’s what matters.

SteelMack · 25/03/2021 19:25

You can only cite adultery either if he admits it or you can prove it. Doesn't sound like either is likely.

BUT it makes literally no difference to anything in the divorce, doesn't change the settlement or anything so it really doesn't matter what reason you put; personally I'd just go for whatever he'll accept so you can get it done quickest.

Final bit of advice - if you did end up citing adultery, my solicitor told me it was best not to name the other party anyway as it then involves them in the divorce, they get copies of things etc.

Speaking as someone who filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery but my spineless ex just signed it. I knew who the OW was but didn't name her - partly because I didn't want to give her even a seconds thought.

Sorry you're going through this, but then I can promise you, it will get better 😘

RandomMess · 25/03/2021 19:27

As you're still married he is committing adultery now 🤷🏽‍♀️ however having proof (unless she's pregnant) if he is going to contest will be hassle.

You could include "being unfaithful" as one of your grounds for unreasonable behaviour though 😂

Redannie118 · 25/03/2021 19:30

I thought it was automatic adultery as although you are seperated( you are still married) hes living with another woman? Is that not your proof? I was told this during my divorce when my abusive shitty ex divorced me for adultery even though we had been seperated over a year!!! I agreed because I wanted the divorce ASAP and it made no difference to the settlement.

Original poster
DonnieDarkosWife · 25/03/2021 19:56

Just sorting tomorrows packed lunches and bedtime routine, back v. soon to read and respond 😊

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 25/03/2021 20:07

@Redannie118

I thought it was automatic adultery as although you are seperated( you are still married) hes living with another woman? Is that not your proof? I was told this during my divorce when my abusive shitty ex divorced me for adultery even though we had been seperated over a year!!! I agreed because I wanted the divorce ASAP and it made no difference to the settlement.
This is what I thought too. Although it doesn’t make it true.

You are still married. Has he acknowledged he is in another relationship? I think you can still claim adultery because he is unlikely to defend or object to it.

Doingitaloneandproud · 25/03/2021 20:14

A few ago when I divorced, my ex was shacked up with his mistress 5 days after he walked out, I still couldn't file under adultery as he wouldn't admit it. It was listed as one of many reasons is unreasonable behaviour. You need to have clear proof he was cheating at the time you two were still in a relationship, although you are married, you are now classed as separated.

BunnyandBee · 25/03/2021 20:26

Although it screams adultery to any normal human, it is easier to put unreasonable behaviour.

I did this for my divorce last year, but made it very clear in the reasons section that it was because exH had formed a relationship with another woman. He admitted to kissing but nothing else before we separated, so I just went with the path of least resistance. In the end it doesn't make a difference to anything else.

Sorry you are in this situation Flowers

tisonlymeagain · 25/03/2021 20:30

All advice is to put unreasonable behaviour.

For adultery, unless he's going to admit it, you have to have actual proof of sex. Full penetrative sex. Anything less isn't actually classed as adultery. Far easier to use unreasonable behaviour. You can still use the alleged adultery as one of your reasons.

It's also not good practice to name third parties in divorces, I was told by a solicitor that it's not generally looked upon as a good thing to do and there's no benefit to doing it.

PinkPupZ · 25/03/2021 20:32

I strongly wanted ours to go through on adultery grounds. After all that was the reason for the divorce. I did have proof in texts of him bragging about it etc so he had to admit it. I also got an order for him to pay costs. And it was on the Decree Nisi in black and white.

Eekay · 25/03/2021 20:35

I just wanted to add that when I was divorcing years ago, I was passionately angry about what grounds I was "allowed" to use. But it wasn't long before I was simply bloody relieved that I was divorced from him, full stop.
So it may not be a hill to die on, even though it feels monstrously unfair atm.. IME the grounds you use quickly cease to occupy your thoughts.

Mintyt · 25/03/2021 21:05

Why does he want you to divorce him. I know you want this over and done with, adultery is hard to prove. Unreasonable behaviour is not. Why should she not be named, why don't you say I cannot be bothered to divorce you. Leave me alone and crack on

Sunshineandflipflops · 25/03/2021 21:31

@Watto1

My sister was told when she divorced that there has to be absolute proof that sex took place in order to use adultery as a reason for divorce. So unless there is proof (such as a baby) then you will have to use unreasonable behaviour I’m afraid.
I was also told this when I went to see a solicitor. Unless I had proof of them having sex (like messages saying “I enjoyed the sec we had last night”), which I didn’t, then unreasonable behaviour is the easiest and most straightforward way to go. I am still not divorced over 3 years later as I really can’t face it but it doesn’t bother me as we are only married on paper.
Sunshineandflipflops · 25/03/2021 21:34

Oh, and we agreed to wait 2 years and divorce with no fault cited for the sake of our kids. Just need to actually get round to it (and save up...)

Parkerwhereareyou · 25/03/2021 21:40

Citing adultery doesn't materially change anything in the divorce proceedings. Why is he asking for unreasonable behaviour? Why not just irretrievable breakdown of the marriage?

It's all words but I think you know what's at the bottom of this - the OW doesn't want to be noted on divorce papers as an OW. ... So now you're being asked/told to be nice and not mention it.

I can see why you want this out of your life. Ultimately the victory of naming & shaming could be shallow and could backfire. If there are kids involved, I'd probably say best to just get it done with the least conflict, so you can move on.

But it's not nice. A last bit of kind of disrespecting you/taking away your rights. V sorry.

Original poster
DonnieDarkosWife · 25/03/2021 23:30

I think the fact that everyone he is telling is being told we split up, there was no joint decision, he walked out and then came clean about being involved with OW but obviously has been smart enough to not admit to it being sexual. Whatever, I am not stupid but yes I agree Unreasonable grounds or waiting the full 2 yrs and then we don't need to state any reason seems the best future plan. Children have been told in an age related manner that daddy is a lying cheat so there's no secrets being kept from them and I was always very clear, I wouldn't tolerate adultery. He wont divorce me because he can't afford it and I don't wish to remain married to him because I feel it makes me complicit in his affair. I know that's slightly irrational but its how I feel.
Its only looking back over the last 9 mnths that I can now acknowledge how deceitful he has been. The spiteful part of me wants to hurt him because he has hurt me and the children so much but the more rational side just wants it done and dusted. I am filing as will get Legal Aid, don't think he has realised he still has to pay his own costs and I won't be telling him. I am sure the OW could support him if she wanted me out of the picture sooner rather than later.
Thank you to everyone who has commented, i know this situation is so unbelievably common and that there would be wealth of advice when I posted. Its funny that him and OW believe they are so special and this is their chance of a lifetime. If I was the OW (would never let that happen) I personally couldn't trust him 100% knowing he had cheated on his wife of 25 yrs.
Onwards and upwards eh, the children and I are better off without him 😁

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/03/2021 10:01

If you don't qualify for legal aid then wait for him to divorce you, the OW will likely be pestering him to get divorced Wink

It sounds like there are no assets as such? The benefit of striking quickly is that he may be feel guilted into being far more fair and reasonable about the financial settlement.

Original poster
DonnieDarkosWife · 26/03/2021 10:22

Yes should be fairly straightforward if he doesn't contest divorce which he has agreed he wouldn't do but... you just never know, no major assets just pensions. And no spousal maintenance as he doesn't earn a high wage, he is paying full child support and I would hope that continues for the children's sake but am ready to go through CSA if necessary.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 26/03/2021 10:44

Afaik solicitors always advise unreasonable behaviour with adultery cites within that; because it's so hard to prove adultery.

As someone said above you'd need a baby conceived or born during your marriage, or messages explicitly referring to sexual intercourse between them etc (as a total aside if someone's h is a gay/bi cheater they couldn't even divorce him for adultery because it's specifically defined as sexual intercourse with opposite sex).
Do you have any messages referring to intercourse?

Aside from wanting to, for the reasons you've outlined, why should you have to pay for it.

tisonlymeagain · 26/03/2021 12:05

@Parkerwhereareyou

Citing adultery doesn't materially change anything in the divorce proceedings. Why is he asking for unreasonable behaviour? Why not just irretrievable breakdown of the marriage?

It's all words but I think you know what's at the bottom of this - the OW doesn't want to be noted on divorce papers as an OW. ... So now you're being asked/told to be nice and not mention it.

I can see why you want this out of your life. Ultimately the victory of naming & shaming could be shallow and could backfire. If there are kids involved, I'd probably say best to just get it done with the least conflict, so you can move on.

But it's not nice. A last bit of kind of disrespecting you/taking away your rights. V sorry.

There's no such thing as irretrievable breakdown of the marriage at the moment - well there is, but that's basically waiting the two years. You can only divorce on unreasonable behaviour, adultery, desertion or separation for 2 years or 5 years (without agreement).
BunnyandBee · 26/03/2021 13:53

Someone may be able to advise who knows better here, but one of the reasons I pushed for a quick divorce(rather than wait 2 years) was to avoid the risk of being tied financially to someone who was potentially spending his money with someone else...I wanted to sell the house, split the equity and not run the risk of him generating any debt that wasn't to do with me.
Does anyone know if that is a thing, or was I worrying unecessarily?!