If one more person says we need to communicate better....

[Sunlightonmyface]

DH is a terrible communicator.
I've always been a talker, very open, sharing, honest, like talking things through.

He won't talk about finances, holidays, our marriage, legal stuff, careers without becoming worked up or completely silent.

He can't eveb make plans for the future and is more comfortable floating by from day to day.

We went to marriage counselling a few years ago: of course, the answer was that we needed to communicate better. I organised a "talk" night, got him to think about topics etc, then it would come to it and he'd just sit there.

He talks all the time though. About the neighbours, about his work colleagues, about every fucker else all the time. But he won't communicate or relate with me.

I'm seeing my own counsellor now who is keen on "getting us to open up to each other." My sister has said to me today "you guys need to learn to communicate."

My friend last week said "get him to sit down with you and juat talk."

He. Will. Not. Communicate.

I'm driving myself crazy and feel like screaming this from the rooftops. Everyone has the same bloody advice for me... but I can't force him. It's not me, it's really not my fault. I have tried and tried and tried. His mother recently told me "he's never been a talker, a closed book our Peter."

And that's it.
How do you have a relationship with someone who won't relate? What do I say to all these people around me giving this same never ending advice?

Umm you don't? I know oppositew attract but you have a couple of choices really either live with it happily and "manage in somehow" live with it stressing about it all the time and worry your life away or don't live with it at all but don't marry him knowing his faults and being unable to live with it or deal with it reconcile yourself with it first because I don't think he will change

OP "What do I say to all these people around me giving this same never ending advice?"

Tell them to piss off. I presume this is unsolicited advice? They are being too fucking nosey. If you are talking to them about it though, they're bound to say stuff.

Yes I'm talking to people about it so it's definitely not unsolicited.
I'm so lonely, I've been reaching out to my sister and my friends. They all have the same response. I know they're only trying to help but I'm finding it very wearing as I feel like I've tried talking with him such a lot, but it never gets reciprocated.

Have you asked him why he won’t talk? Or how he thinks issues may be resolved?
Does he know how it/he makes you feel when he won’t communicate with you?

Does he think there’s an issue? Does he want to change it?

Me and you both, OP. If you figure out what to do, let me know...
I also find the more I make a fuss over this the more he retreats.
If I mentioned the C word (communicate) thats it, i've killed it. He is much more authentic when I don't ask him to speak but it is so hard on days he literally has said nothing.

It sounds like the pursue withdraw pattern? I’m not a professional in anyway but looking that up might help?

Lots of people find talking face to face impossible but there are other ways. Writing - whether by pen, email or text - talking in the third person, talking whilst doing something else (walking, gardening or in bed in the dark when there's no eye contact). Does he think he needs to explain himself?

I hate to say this but I think this is unlikely to change. I was married to someone like this and it was very lonely, as you say, and by the end very , very boring. He had big issues with intimacy and couldn't open up or be vulnerable with me ever. I lived with him for 20 years and I couldn't tell you his favourite colour to this day. We never discussed the future or plans together. We just lived life his way.

When I finally told him I wanted a divorce he didn't say a word, went off and next time I saw him handed me a letter which didn't contain a single word about our marriage but went on and on about how I was like my mother. Completely weird. He was also a control freak about finances and extremely passive aggressive I wish I hadn't wasted so many precious years with him.

Everyone telling you it's a communication problem between uou obviously haven't lived with someone like this. It's soul destroying. It's his problem to fix. Perhaps you need to decide whether you want to continue this relationship.

This is who he is and he doesn’t want to change, why can’t you accept that? He isn’t broken, you’re just incompatible on a fundamental level.

The balls in your court, if you can’t accept this about him, move on.
,

It sounds like you’re great at communicating but he doesn’t want to even try to talk to you

Either decide this is how it is and you can live with it or end the relationship

I'm divorced from a non communicator. He did my head in.

I live with a non- communicator. He doesn't do deep or intimate or vulnerable. I've had to accept that forcing him to do these things might have been beneficial for me because it filled a need I had, but it was the opposite for him. It made him uncomfortable and awkward. His brain does not work that way. To him, plans are on a need to know basis. If I dont need to know why would he involve me? To him, talking about the future is pointless as things change.

Being made to open up was in no way beneficial to him, it did not improve his life in the slightest. He began to fear me when I sat us down to 'talk'.

I share my problems, stresses, emotions because it makes me feel better to get it out. Because it benefits me. He would frustrate me as he would try and come up with solutions when I just wanted him to listen and emphasise.

He problem solves internally. To him, unless I would have an actual solution, what was the point. Talking about it is pointless and unnatural for him.

We've compromised. He will listen to me and make empathetic noises, but only offer solutions if directly asked. I will not demand he communicates in my style.

OP how would you feel if he demanded again and again that you changed your communication style? If he sat you down weekly and insisted you had a 'no talking' evening? Gave you a list of superficial topics you had to talk about?

You are forcing your needs onto him. If you can't accept he is different to you, with different needs, then your problems are bigger than you think. This Hollywood ideal of couples sharing vulnerabilities to be real, happy couples is just romantised stuff of movies. Not mutually sharing deep meaningful stuff does not automatically make a relationship bad.

If he wont change and you can't live with it then maybe you should consider separating. Do you love him? Does he have enough other good qualities to outbalance this issue? It sounds like you've really tried but falling into 'broken record' status.

How do you have a relationship with someone who won't relate?

I personally don't believe it's possible to have a healthy, happy relationship with someone who refuses to communicate about your relationship.

So unfortunately I think it's a case of either accepting this is how it is, which I don't think you should do as you quite rightly feel lonely and frustrated, or breaking up.

@Sunlightonmyface

DH is a terrible communicator. I've always been a talker, very open, sharing, honest, like talking things through.

He won't talk about finances, holidays, our marriage, legal stuff, careers without becoming worked up or completely silent.

He can't eveb make plans for the future and is more comfortable floating by from day to day.

We went to marriage counselling a few years ago: of course, the answer was that we needed to communicate better. I organised a "talk" night, got him to think about topics etc, then it would come to it and he'd just sit there.

He talks all the time though. About the neighbours, about his work colleagues, about every fucker else all the time. But he won't communicate or relate with me.

I'm seeing my own counsellor now who is keen on "getting us to open up to each other." My sister has said to me today "you guys need to learn to communicate."

My friend last week said "get him to sit down with you and juat talk."

He. Will. Not. Communicate.

I'm driving myself crazy and feel like screaming this from the rooftops. Everyone has the same bloody advice for me... but I can't force him. It's not me, it's really not my fault. I have tried and tried and tried. His mother recently told me "he's never been a talker, a closed book our Peter."

And that's it.
How do you have a relationship with someone who won't relate? What do I say to all these people around me giving this same never ending advice?

I'm more interested in how you came to marry someone who will not communicate. Honeymoon must have been interesting.

Be sarcastic and try and get on his way of thinking. My dp is like this. If I want any info from him regarding business and finances I have to be like well I bet you earned 50p today. Or something like how are your funds going. I always have to start at the deep end to get anything. Or I might be better off talking to a brick wall or a ghost. There are ways to make him communicate unless he is hiding things intentionally.

I agree with what @Thingsdogetbetter wrote. I’m sorry, because I’m sure it’s not what you want to hear.

For a start, I'd begin to centre myself and stop pandering to what is a completely ridiculous and indefensible way to live.

Why should he have the benefits of marriage and partnership if he refuses to contribute some of the key things which make it work? Why should he be afforded the respect of an equal partner, when he won't put the work in?

So to start: finances. You tell him that as he refuses to discuss anything financial like an adult, you will take complete control of finances. All bills, decisions, his wage gets paid into your accounts and you manage everything. He doesn't like it? It's infantalising? That's right, it is. You act like a toddler when it comes to having an adult conversation - so what do you expect? Hand over the finances, and then you won't be 'bothered' by people wanting stupid things like a discussion over whether to pay a plumber or buy a new car. Surely that must work for you? No? Oh it looks like we should split up, then.

Social stuff. What does he do (in normal times) - hang on your coat tails and expect to have his 'social credentials' maintained for him by your efforts? - local friends, family birthdays? Stop all that. Don't involve him, don't act for him, don't write his name on the presents if he's refused to discuss what they should be. Build up friendships without him and don't allow him to benefit if he hasn't been involved.

It doesn't solve it. But starting to do thigns like this sends the message: you don't get the advantages of partnership and family if you're going to act like a teenager who'd rather be in their room with headphones on.

But ultimately, loneliness will win out and you will leave him.

It seems to me you're simply incompatible. Not sure how you even got married! .

More seriously, is this really a communication issue? He won't talk about finances, holidays, legal stuff - these are all things that directly impact you but he wants to keep them secret? I mean, I can understand if he doesn't want to have long deep meaningful conversations while staring into your eyes to discuss how much he loves you, but surely communicating about the necessities of life like current and future financial constraints/plans is just a basic part of being married? Even things like holidays - does he not communicate because he actually can't be bothered to put in any effort and knows if he stays silent you will just organise and book something fabulous and lovely and he doesn't have to lift a finger?

I mean, this all sounds more like control tactics to me. I mean, on finances, when you say he won't discuss it, does that mean you have no idea how much he earns, what debt/savings he has etc? or do you mean that he doesn't want to discuss new ways to create a savings plan. If the latter, it's irritating and I can see why that's an issue but it's not necessarily a huge issue. If the former, I'd be very very concerned.

This article offers some useful advice on how to start working your way out of this problem (provided he engaged)

What do I say to all these people around me giving this same never ending advice?

The other two options are "learn to live with it" or "leave the bastard". Most people you know are not going to be so bold as to say either of those two things, so they go for the diplomatic option.

I’m in this situation.
It’s soul destroying.
The latest is he says that he doesn’t want to talk about (I mean even mention...) some things because he knows that they’re important to me. (And then I’d want to have a conversation about them / it as of course he hasn’t said a peep for months on end beforehand.)

He won't talk about finances, holidays, our marriage, legal stuff, careers without becoming worked up or completely silent.

It's your DH who needs therapy OP. This behaviour is not normal and not acceptable in an adult. He needs help to sort this out.

Either that or he is showing you how unimportant you and your relationship is to him.

You can't force someone to change if they don't want to, sadly. It doesn't sound like he wants to change. So you need to decide if you can live with it.

I am neurodiverse and am not a good communicator at all, but I try my best, I get help and counselling for finding strategies, and DH compromises too. But it's hard and that's with both of us willing to put in the work.

Sunlight. I could have actually written this post! Other than counselling, my DH wouldn't go.. no was he happy about me going alone.

I also feel extremely trapped and sad and lonely. I have made the decision to leave, he doesn't understand that i need an emotional connection and to be able to discuss life/kids/work/dayd out etc.

I will follow this post with interest, i am just sorry i had no sound advice for you