If one more person says we need to communicate better....

[Sunlightonmyface]

DH is a terrible communicator.
I've always been a talker, very open, sharing, honest, like talking things through.

He won't talk about finances, holidays, our marriage, legal stuff, careers without becoming worked up or completely silent.

He can't eveb make plans for the future and is more comfortable floating by from day to day.

We went to marriage counselling a few years ago: of course, the answer was that we needed to communicate better. I organised a "talk" night, got him to think about topics etc, then it would come to it and he'd just sit there.

He talks all the time though. About the neighbours, about his work colleagues, about every fucker else all the time. But he won't communicate or relate with me.

I'm seeing my own counsellor now who is keen on "getting us to open up to each other." My sister has said to me today "you guys need to learn to communicate."

My friend last week said "get him to sit down with you and juat talk."

He. Will. Not. Communicate.

I'm driving myself crazy and feel like screaming this from the rooftops. Everyone has the same bloody advice for me... but I can't force him. It's not me, it's really not my fault. I have tried and tried and tried. His mother recently told me "he's never been a talker, a closed book our Peter."

And that's it.
How do you have a relationship with someone who won't relate? What do I say to all these people around me giving this same never ending advice?

Thank you all for the advice.
To clarify:
When we met he talked a lot, he was a real gossip actually! We would talk until the early hours.
After I moved in with him, it became apparent that (at 33) his parents were regularly sorting out his mortgage, his car insurance, his life.
I made it very clear that I was not going to accept his parents steering our lives and that we would be taking control of our own finances etc. He agreed.
But what has happened over the years is that, he has distanced himself from responsibility. Kids birthday presents, plans, parties, holidays, everything.
We are currently trying to organise our first family abroad holiday and it is clear that at 41 years old, the reason he finds it such an ordeal is because he's never booked an abroad holiday before. Somebody has always booked it for him. I wouldn't mind as much if he sat back and let me do it, but he's getting stressed out and telling me no, I want this, don't want this blah blah blah but then doing nothing himself.
He also can't face up to budgeting. I budget and tell him how much money we have to spend on different things and he hates it. He's currently doing work on the garden and when I revealed how much we can budget for it, he stomped around in a sulk. He hates facing up to anything.
When I met him, he didn't have many responsibilities, hence why I didn't notice it so much, but as layers of responsibility have increased, it's clear that he just can't adult.

@Sunlightonmyface

Thank you all for the advice. To clarify: When we met he talked a lot, he was a real gossip actually! We would talk until the early hours. After I moved in with him, it became apparent that (at 33) his parents were regularly sorting out his mortgage, his car insurance, his life. I made it very clear that I was not going to accept his parents steering our lives and that we would be taking control of our own finances etc. He agreed. But what has happened over the years is that, he has distanced himself from responsibility. Kids birthday presents, plans, parties, holidays, everything. We are currently trying to organise our first family abroad holiday and it is clear that at 41 years old, the reason he finds it such an ordeal is because he's never booked an abroad holiday before. Somebody has always booked it for him. I wouldn't mind as much if he sat back and let me do it, but he's getting stressed out and telling me no, I want this, don't want this blah blah blah but then doing nothing himself. He also can't face up to budgeting. I budget and tell him how much money we have to spend on different things and he hates it. He's currently doing work on the garden and when I revealed how much we can budget for it, he stomped around in a sulk. He hates facing up to anything. When I met him, he didn't have many responsibilities, hence why I didn't notice it so much, but as layers of responsibility have increased, it's clear that he just can't adult.

I stand by my earlier thread, this isn't a communication problem. He's a man child. He wants you to do everything for him and he wants everything to be done to accommodate him. Ugh. Sounds awful.

@Sunlightonmyface

Thank you all for the advice. To clarify: When we met he talked a lot, he was a real gossip actually! We would talk until the early hours. After I moved in with him, it became apparent that (at 33) his parents were regularly sorting out his mortgage, his car insurance, his life. I made it very clear that I was not going to accept his parents steering our lives and that we would be taking control of our own finances etc. He agreed. But what has happened over the years is that, he has distanced himself from responsibility. Kids birthday presents, plans, parties, holidays, everything. We are currently trying to organise our first family abroad holiday and it is clear that at 41 years old, the reason he finds it such an ordeal is because he's never booked an abroad holiday before. Somebody has always booked it for him. I wouldn't mind as much if he sat back and let me do it, but he's getting stressed out and telling me no, I want this, don't want this blah blah blah but then doing nothing himself. He also can't face up to budgeting. I budget and tell him how much money we have to spend on different things and he hates it. He's currently doing work on the garden and when I revealed how much we can budget for it, he stomped around in a sulk. He hates facing up to anything. When I met him, he didn't have many responsibilities, hence why I didn't notice it so much, but as layers of responsibility have increased, it's clear that he just can't adult.

At 41, this is who he is. His parents used to run his life for him, so he never needed to do it himself. Now he has you to do it for him. The silence and refusal to engage is a passive-aggressive strategy to push you into doing the stuff that he can’t or won’t face up to. It works, too.

This isn’t going to change, so you have to decide if you are prepared to put up with it indefinitely.

Good luck.

My apologies OP, my non-commicative dh is an adult. Yours is not. He is an emotional stilted manchild. So our situations are completely different and everything i said was irrelevant. Yours uses non-communication as both a punishment and a way to shirk his responsibilities. This isn't a difference in communication issue, this is a grown man behaving like a toddler issue.

My suggestion would be to go on holiday without him and really think about whether there is any pay off in staying with him.

@Bonheurdupasse

he says that he doesn't want to talk about (I mean even mention...) some things because he knows that they're important to me.

This ^ seems to say everything you need to know about how he feels about you and what your needs are and how he will interact with you - it came from his own mouth. What a horrible thing to say when you actually see it for what it is.

If someone tells you who they are, listen to them

OP It's clear your relationship has become an ongoing battle to get him to take responsibility, engage and communicate. It has come to his refusal to even talk with you anymore.
The sad question is not "is this redeemable?", it's "how much longer do you put up with the decline until either your mental health seriously suffers or you are forced to leave?"

It's a horribly lonely and difficult life living with someone who refuses to communicate with you. for you too.

So, he was a great communicator at the beginning hence you married him. You have to accept now that he has now made a conscious choice to now not communicate and get in to a strop if you mention anything mildly confrontational. I am afraid this is it for you now. If you want to stay in the marriage I would continue with therapy to give you the tools to deal with your husband and seek communication and emotional connections with friends and family.

Thank you @MrsGogolsGumbo...it’s so hard as he gets so furious when I try to talk to him, and especially if I try to talk to him about lack of talking, me walking on eggshells etc etc.
I say furious I mean not aggressively angry, but angry none the less....just last evening ..turning off the tv and telling me I’m not allowed to watch tv; going into silent treatment mode which is so so dark and unpleasant and will last at least a few days.
And it always somehow happens on or before some occasion, and ruins it.
This Valentine’s Day was like that , complete silent treatment the day of and some days after.
Last night - well will be followed by his angry silent treatment today and this weekend; today is my birthday and we have (had) the weekend free...
It’s soul crushing

I could have sworn I replied earlier

@Bonheurdupasse Happy Birthday!

I know what anger you mean, it does not get better. The only thing you can really do is stop trying to involve him and make plans to leave.

It is not coincidence that his behaviour coincides with important or nice times, it is designed like that to ruin it for you.

Have you looked into the types of abusers and passive aggressive behaviours? It's an eye opener if you haven't already looked. Are you talking to people in RL about this and are they understanding and supportive?

To you and the OP you can only have a relationship when both parties are working to make the relationship possible, your "D"Ps are actively working against you. That is not normal or healthy behaviour and although it takes some time to get there, you will eventually feel pushed out or angry enough to leave.

When this finally happens it's like being able to breathe again! The grieving and emotional upheaval is the same but the relief is indescribable.

No wonder so many neurodiverse people struggle, in a world where barely anyone recognises that verbal communication is not the biggest player.

@Sunlightonmyface - what other methods have you tried to communicate with him?

You should be asking yourself why you've wasted so many years with this man, and decide how many more you're willing to squander away. This isn't a marriage, it's more like a punishment.

After I moved in with him, it became apparent that (at 33) his parents were regularly sorting out his mortgage, his car insurance, his life

I feel really bad for you as you only found out when you moved in. I knew a man who still had his mum doing his banking for him in his mid-twenties, and I just thought he was such a loser for that (I had other reasons to think that too though).

Men who avoid are usually fairly neurotic. They cannot cope with complexity or learning new things because it stresses them out or living with discomfort is something they've never really had to do as everyone around them has carried the weight. Even buy train tickets or similar will be met with a 'it's just too much kind of attitude. We all have mundane things we hate or avoid doing, but these kinds of men have a much wider range of things they avoid doing. I don't think he can cope with being an adult by the sounds of it.

I'm not sure if this is just about communication. This is about the willingness to take on a bit of discomfort to get things done and talk about difficult or deep topics. Also, have you considered the fact he has learnt that shutting himself off or not talking is a useful way to get people off his back as they grow tired, exasperated and give up? We gave innate personalities but we also pick up behaviours which work for us in life.

We have innate*

@earthsight
Your simple sentence "living with discomfort is something they've never really had to do" is spot on.
The discomfort of getting something potentially wrong, trying something new, committing to a budget, staying at home with the DCs when they're ill and cancelling his hobby day.
He's had a very comfortable life with wealthy parents who have not only provided financially, but have taken away his responsibilities until his mid thirties.

I guess, now that he's married to me, 50% of the work is expected of him and he just can't fulfill it.

It's interesting you mention that they become neurotic when in discomfort. His work life takes over his entire life and he won't be seen to be getting anything wrong, so he expends a lot of time on his work, which I think has a lot to do with image.
He's never moved too far from his parents house, never had to take control of a situation, remains in the same job and role hes had since qualifying.
Yes, communication probably is the very least of my worries.

Why did you marry him?

As many do @sunflower1970 the image he portrayed to me was a far cry from what he's like now.
We discussed my issues when I moved in with his parents involvement, things improved a lot. I was really quite happy.
Then it went downhill.