Not sure how to cope with my friend anymore (apologies; it's a bit long and rambling!)

[petunia]

I met this Mum (I'll call her L) at school about 18months ago. She's a single Mum and has been signed off from work on sick leave for the last 7 weeks. We're fairly good friends I suppose. She classes me as her "best friend" but I'm not sure I see her as the same, really just because of her recent behaviour.

This happened a couple of weeks ago but kind of explains the type of thing I mean. My DDs hamster (called Shiver) escaped one Friday, around 7am. I'd never had to find/capture an escaped one before, and had no idea what to do/where a hamster might hide. L rang up at 8.30am and wanted to come for coffee, so we arranged for her to arrive at 1.45pm. I spent the day, sitting in a near-silent house, listening for any sounds and really hoping that we'd see Shiver again (I'm quite attached to her too!) 5 minutes before L was due to arrive, DH found Shiver upstairs in his room (he uses it as an office). I then spent the next 45minutes trying to catch her but every time I came close to catching hold of her, she shot off behind all the stuff DH has (never realised hamsters could move so fast!) DH explained to L what I was doing but after 40 minutes, L left. Virtually as L walked out the door, I managed to get hold of Shiver and got her back into the cage. I tried to ring L on her mobile to apologise and explain, but she was driving so couldn't answer. When I got back from picking up DDs at 4pm, L had sent some text messages from her mobile to our home phone, saying how "very upset" she was because she'd had a wasted journey (10 miles round trip), that I should have rung and told her that we'd found Shiver but that I was having trouble trying to catch her. She complained that I hadn't said "hello" to her or come downstairs to see her (No I hadn't, but I was concentrating on trying to catch said hamster!) I rang her and pointed out that she was already on her way from her house when we found the hamster, so I wouldn't have been able to contact her. I also said that DH had explained that I was having trouble getting hold of Shiver.

This all had me in tears (pathetic I know, but it was also time of the month, which didn't help), which she interpreted as me not wanting to lose our friendship. In truth, I couldn't have cared less because I was just so tired and p!ssed off with it all!

The latest thing is that we've been trying to arrange going Christmas shopping. We've agreed that it would be nice to get it done while she's signed off sick and without children. But she keeps cancelling because she gets very tired (due to the illness she's had). I want to emphasise that it's OK, I've no problem if she's tired, I'm not desperate to go shopping. But last night she rang at 5pm. After a bit of a moan that she wasn't able to see her normal doctor to see if she could go back to work, we arranged to go shopping tomorrow morning. 1 1/2 hours later, I got a text message saying that she'd told me the day before (Tuesday) that she was too tired to go shopping (no, she hadn't said anything), as if it was my fault for trying to arrange something and for her agreeing to it.

I try to understand that being a single-parent is hard work and she does describe herself as "a worrier", but everytime she has a really hard time at work, or imagines some slight that I've done, she kind of "takes off and runs with it", so that I'm made to feel like everything is my fault. I don't want to appear like a heartless b!tch but I get fed up of trying to cheer her up (like with the Crimble shopping), and then being made to feel like it's all my fault when she then decides she doesn't want to do it hours later. Or that I can't make the world revolve around her/solve her problems because I have to concentrate on DDs/my family/catching hamsters etc. She does apologise afterwards, but I guess I'm finding it hard work trying to explain every little thing I do so that she doesn't take things the "wrong way".

I'd be grateful for any help or advice.

She sounds very needy and like she doesn't know how to have friendship. She wants to feel in control, ie complaining about you not ringing her (and therefore feels able to voice her feelings) but is also quite demanding.

How you handle it comes down to whether you want to let this friendship just die away or whether you are in it for the long haul and would like to achieve something.

BTW since you have named your hammy on here if she sees this she will know it is about her!

what do you like about her? what don't you like? is it worth putting up with the stuff you don't like to get the stuff you like?

But it's so hard to shake off a friend isn't it - a hopeless bloke you can just finish with, but there seems to be no mechanism for finishing with a girlfriend!

she seems very high maintenance, do you enjoy anything about her company/friendship?
if not, its not worth the time you are investing is it
for what its worth, and i don't think this'll go down well -
having her around the day of the hamster business and not even popping your head around the door to explain what was going on, is really quite rude.

Why didn't you pop downstairs when she arrived, and drag her up with you to help with the hamster catching?

Then she would have felt included, not ignored. 40 mins is a long time!

Her husband told her what was going on.

She does seems needy, but I do know how horrible it is to be a single parent, and how you can look forward a friend all day. If I had been ignored for a hamster, it would have quite upset me really.
I think if you'd just popped down, or even asked her to help, it would have been better.
As for the other stuff, it does sound infuriating, she does sound very self absorbed, but I think you should try to stay friends, cause it sounds like you're a really good friend.

i agree with escape, you should have either cancelled or postponed, as you would have known within an hour or so how possible it would be to catch the hamster... and certainly an hour before she was due..

what illness does she have? even a long term physical illness can lead to depression and anxiety..

you either need to acccept her for who she is, troubles and all, and try to help, or break away from her gradually...

I know her husband told her.. but to be perfectly honest, I might have felt a but stupid and inclined to leave after that amount of time! I suppose it depends on the situation. If it was my best friend I would have just bounded up the stairs to help without being asked.

Reading between the lines it sounds as if you're not that bothered about the friendship. Tbh if a good friend came for coffee in the same situation I'd have popped downstairs ( a moment or two wouldn't make that much difference) and asked her to help. Chances are you'd have caught the hamster quicker and got on with a natter.

I wonder if you're looking for reasons to back away from her a bit?

To be fair to her, you could have:

-Nipped downstairs whilst DH watched out for hammy, made a coffee and both of you gone upstairs to look for the hamster.

-Got your DH to catch hammy instead.

-Shut the office door when you knew hammy was in there and safe and restarted the search after.

-Called her half an hour before your meeting time to tell her that you wouldn't be able to have coffee with her due to hamstergeddon.

She does sound like she has health issues that are affecting your friendship but I would be really pissed off it you did what you did to me when I had come round to see you.

TBH, it sounds like you can't be bothered with the friendship so maybe you should just cut her loose.

well, it's hard to read the situation.

i would have been pissed off if you hadn't even poked your head out to say hi. why couldn't your dh have sorted it out? sounds to me like you'd rather try and catch a hamster than spend time with her.

i also suspect that she feels you don't take her illness seriously. maybe she's envious of your 'easy' life ie. you're not sick, and you have a dh to help you.

sounds to me like you don't want to be in the friendship anymore and you're looking for ways out.

i'm not saying she doesn't do annoying things like change her mind, but i think you need to be a bit more objective.

Sorry for not coming back sooner (had to do tea). Just to answer your questions, I did tell L in her 8.30am phone call that DDs hamster had escaped, so the coffee arrangement was made with her knowing that we had an "escapee". I had absolutely no idea (like I say, not having dealt with an escaped hamster before) that Shiver would take so long to be found. DH has no idea how to catch/hold a hamster so he couldn't be left to do it and there's so much junk in DH's room, that there wasn't room for her to come and help. It was bad enough with DH and DD3 in there. We tried to get DD3 to stay with L but DD3's very clingy at the moment, so she wouldn't. And DH couldn't go down and be with L, make coffee etc, because in the end we had to move furniture. And moving the furniture gave Shiver more room to escape to another part of the room!

Maybe it's all a question of "hindsight" and trying to "think on my feet". After I realised it was taking so long, I not only was thinking what L would think of me (but thought that DH explaining would be enough), but also that DH would be late back at work after his lunchhour, and how we'd handle picking up DDs from school, if Shiver was still missing as in, would I be able to shut the door and leave her. At least I knew whereabouts she was in the room but I didn't know whether she'd find somewhere else to "nest" if I left the room.

I was on such a "high" after eventually catching her, that I felt really dumbfounded when she sent her text messages. I think if it were me, I probably would have left too but wouldn't have sent the messages, just putting it down to my friend being busy trying to catch an escaped pet.

As regards her health problems, she has high blood pressure and has started medication for it, but the doctor's trying to find out what's causing it.

I think I'm trying to see the "good", as in she's a good listener and we have a really good time when we meet up, but I find it really hard work when I have to explain things so that she doesn't take things the "wrong way". A few weeks ago when we were on holiday, she got into a huff because I hadn't responded to her text messages straight away. I had to explain that we were in an area of the country that hadn't got a mobile signal (and was made to feel that that was my fault too!), so I couldn't respond straight away to her text messages and because my mobile wasn't on one day, her messages had built up.

hmmm seems she's a tad oversensitive. i would probably make a joke of it next time she insists on giving you a hard time. like 'wow, not even my mum expects me to not go somewhere there's no mobile reception...'

She sounds quite hard work but to be perfectly honest so do you - this whole thread is about a hamster FGS a overgrown rat!

I would have left too if a friend had not even come down for 40 mins, spending that time trying to catch a hamster.......that IS rude. Of course your DH could have caught a hamster, he's a grown adult! You hadn't caught one before, so you were no hamster catching authority

Sorry, you really were in the wrong there.

With the other stuff I think it is just a case of adding up whether the good stuff outweighs the times when she is needy or huffy.

But Hamstergate; the buck stops with you, there.

well i would have taken affront at waiting 40 minutes
seems unfair.
try and make it up to her

agree totally with Honoria.

She is needy but you were downright rude there. You didn't even come and say hello?

So you left her ALONE for 40 minutes? I am surprised she stayed that long tbh. Not only that, but you tried to get her to 'babysit' your dd3!

Very rude.

The call at 8.30 really means nothing, as she may have assumed you had had enough time to find the hampster.

Message withdrawn

You were rude to leave your friend waiting.

Whatever it is that has caused her to be signed off work for 7 or so weeks must mean that journeys are difficult and tiring for her so I understand why she'd be upset - completely.

She's obviously poorly and you keep her waiting for a hamster? Honestly - you need to get a bit of perspective on this.

it's late and yes, i'm bored.

but i find this funny.

in fact, i can't stop laughing right now.

just thinking about this hamster running around a small area.

i mean, not exactly a black mamba.

i mean, couldn't you have closed the door to the room, met your friend and then caught the hamster later?

I would of gone after 40 mins, plus you say you were tearful because of pmt well maybe she was too, pmt I mean. She could of not been feeling that good and thought I will cheer myself by going to see my friend and then got ignored for 40 mins that would make most people feel crap if they were already having a bad day. If I was her I would also of probably felt that you didnt respect her time and anything of else that she made of had to do that day.
It sounds like she going through a bad time, being single mum is hard enough but if you ill too thats really difficult, sounds like she could also be depressed

You were rude to leave her waiting 40 mins - if she's your friend you could at least have asked her up into the room while you tried to catch it!

She does sound demanding, though.

If you don't care enough about her to put up with her demands then just have other 'arrangements' on the days she asks to come round. Either she will take the hint or you'll find that you'll miss her and make allowances.

I wasn't assuming anything that day. I had no idea that I'd still have an escaped hamster after 5 hours, or that we'd find her 5 minutes before L was due to arrive.

And as for me using her, there have been many times I've had her at my house while she's been signed off, both before and after the "hamster visit", when she's wanted to visit. I've never said No, that she can't visit. This was the one time when something out of the ordinary was happening. And because I didn't want to say No, it all backfired on me. And when we meet up, we only do it on the evenings when her ex has their Son, which isn't very often. I kind of feel that I've been there for her when she's needed me. I did apologise after that day, (which you all think I handled in the wrong way, and probably with hindsight, I should have done things differently) and she did too for over-reacting. But the times when she takes a slight that I'm supposed to have done and "runs with it", just keep happening and I don't think I can deal with that anymore.