Last chance

[HornbeamLane]

I'll try and keep this short. DP and I have an 8 month old baby. We bought a house in October. I left in December because our relationship was absolutely toxic. Screaming rows, no support for the baby, he was being controlling and totally inconsiderate on all levels.
He's been asking me to come home the last 3 months to try and make it work, I wanted to see if it would work from a distance. We constantly argued. He did nothing at a distance to show his behaviour would be different.
We've now got an offer on our house of £50k over what we bought it for. Enough money to repay the huge mortgage redemption charge and repay our original and subsequent move expenses. We own it 50/50 and aren't married. This would leave us back where we started ie no loss to either of us.
He is asking me to come home and give it a go, and potentially lose this buyer (we got this buyer without the house even being on the market - chain free buyer).
His efforts from a distance to show he cares / that anything has changed has been largely minimal. No Xmas present, no valentines, just arguments really.
So now we're at last chance saloon, do I come back and try and make it work at the risk of losing the buyer? Or just say it's too late?
I thought I was ready to let it all go but I'm worried I'll regret it for our DD. She's so young and I feel guilty she will have a split home.
Not sure it matters but friends and family are all saying to sell and let it go. They think he will never change and just wants me home for convenience. I'm the main breadwinner and he wouldn't be able to buy himself anything great if we split. My concern is I go back and we're another year down... we've already been arguing since I feel pregnant and it's not really ever got better, probably worse. When I left I felt I was on the verge of a breakdown; picked to pieces, did the move myself, all baby care, all nights, housework, dinners to be told nothing I did was enough. I'm not sure it can work but am so concerned of leaving if it could have...

He’s done nothing to show you he’s changed and made minimal efforts, of course you should sell the house and move on. Don’t go back to be miserable again

Sell and move on. He won't ever change.

He's already made your life miserable once. Do you really want to sign up for more of the same?

Everything you say points to NO. Time to move on.

My god no don't go back.

You don't even seem to want to. You have nothing to gain if you go back, and everything to lose - house sale, happiness, self worth.

Don't lose the buyer, he didn't want to work on the relationship first before moving back in, means he wasn't never serious in changing his behaviour. He sounds awful. Your daughter won't know any different as she's a baby.

You left because it was toxic, he's done nothing to ensure it won't be just as toxic if you go back so it will be just as bad again in no time, of course it will because nothing has changed. Change in his case would mean extensive therapy to learn how not to be controlling, selfish, lazy and inconsiderate and some parenting courses to learn how to step up with DD so unless he's done all that you're on a hiding to nothing thinking he's changed at all. Grab that offer on the house with both hands and free yourself from this defective man, you can't fix him and neither should you have to.

If your daughter was asking you this question about her own ex what would you say?

Come on OP you know there's only one answer to this. If you, the whole of Mumsnet and your friends and family are telling you something, believe them!

Sell the house regardless of what you decide to do. If you want to give it another go, if he's serious then he'll happily rent with you. But going by past examples, he doesn't want to fix what's wrong, he just wants his nice little life back regardless of how unhappy it makes you

He has done nothing to win you back. The continuing arguments and lack of presents speaks volumes. Sadly, I agree with pp that he wants you back so his life will be easier.

You are more likely to be letting your DD down by returning to a toxic relationship.

Sell the house and build a future for you and your daughter.

“You are more likely to be letting your DD down by returning to a toxic relationship.”

This with bells on. The last thing your DD needs is to be raised in a toxic relationship. It would clearly be a catastrophic error to return and everyone agrees on that. He’s done nothing to suggest he’s changed. You’ve already done the hard part of getting away first time round. Don’t undo all that. You will regret it enormously if you do.

Take the opportunity to sell up.

It's not a good house for you anyway because it leaves you isolated from your social network if you live there.

If he wanted to make it work, he still could without the house. He could move your way, he could be showing you he wants to make changes.

But it sounds like he just wants the nice house, his preferred lifestyle paid for with your money, and you back as a maid, nanny and emotional punchbag, all without doing a single thing to show any effort.

This buyer is a golden opportunity for you. Don't be foolish.

Don't risk losing this buyer OP!

You can’t raise a kid in this atmosphere. He’s not even made a tiny effort to change, didn’t even bother getting you a Xmas gift. Accept the offer. Move on. Your future self will thank you.

I'd sell for sure.

I mean, I kind of admire his chutzpah.

Interviewer: So what did you do to try to save the relationship?
Him: I told her to come home.
Interviewer: But what did you do, did you show her you love her, did you make any changes?
Him: I told her I wanted to try again and to come home.
Interviewer: But you must have made some effort to win her back?
Him (blank look)
Interviewer: All you did was say come home and try again, you didn't do anything different?
Him (blank look) Do something?

I was raised in a house exactly like this. As a result myself and siblings all have serious MH issues, anxiety, addiction issues and complex PTSD. I used to pray every single day for my parents to divorce. They never did and then layed our unhappiness at our feet as they only stayed together " For us" please please please do not do this to your child.

This chain free buyer, withoutnyour house even being on the market, offering 50k over what you paid for it leaving you back at square one financially and free of him..?

That there is universe looking out for you, that is. It's a no brainer, honestly. If he wants to continue a relationship with you, you cam building up again from separate houses where you aren't trapped.

If he doestn want to do that, he isnt serious about the relationship, he just wants things back to how they were for himself.

You'd be an absolute fool to do that.

Sell up, move on, your family are 100% correct.

If you get back with him, 6 months down the line and you'll be seriously kicking yourself.

You haven't given one reason why you should give this man another chance.

Screaming rows, no support for the baby, he was being controlling and totally inconsiderate on all levels.

What a miserable, damaging environment for your DD to grow up in. What a dysfunctional relationship model to show her. If this becomes her ‘normal,’ she will likely choose abusive partners in the future.

Hornbeam, you know this man is a very bad bet. Sell the house and continue moving forward with your precious daughter. You both deserve an emotionally safe home but he will never provide that.

Thanks everyone for your messages.
I should add that before I fully left, I stayed with my brother for nearly a week and on my return he started taking the baby at times during the day to help out.
He also did his own washing and cooking (ie didn't do mine, but just his own to make a point because I used to get irate that he was lazy and that I did everything for him).
In the 3 months we've been apart, he's taken the baby 2 days each week on his own and got his act together in that he now cooks, cleans etc for himself.
It's just whether there's been too much water under the bridge and whether this behaviour is all just whilst I'm away. The last thing I'd want is to have another child with him and find this behaviour slips back again and repeats itself. It was crushing before and got me to the point that I didn't feel I could look after the baby effectively anymore because I was just in bits being picked apart whilst sleep deprived and caring for a first baby alone