I think I'm done

[Hemsbyboc]

Been with H my whole adult life. He's a lot older than me. I think we've come to the end.
We split a couple of years ago and got back together after a few months. I thought at the time that the worst thing would be being alone in a tiny house with a crappy car and was willing to do anything to keep my marriage going. He didn't bother with the kids in those months and they blamed me. He Took them out once and just came to the house to have a go at me. I knew no different life, haven't experienced anything without him etc. I wanted my familiar life back and the kids happy again. we had counselling, really tried hard but we're now back to where we were 3 years ago.
He shows me no love, no affection, talks to me like shit, ridicules me for reading. He has a problem with me bettering myself as I come from the worst estate in my town and have done well education wise and we have a nice house and cars. I think he feels he gave me all that and rescued me from the ghetto which he didn't.
He's turning into his father who is a horrible man and brings his mum down with him. I feel he's doing the same to me. He wants to go on driving holidays in the UK. I'm in my 30s with pre-teens. I want to be lay in the sunshine whilst the kids make friends and swim and have fun not sit cooped in a car for hours everyday to look at scenery in the miserable weather!
I digress, in short I think we've run our course. The thought now of being alone in a tiny house is appealing as I could decorate how I want and have my things on the walls. I would no longer be under his control. I've started answering back for the first time ever and it's making him madder and madder.
I've been looking up divorce and how long it would take and looking on rightmove and thinking of tinder and festivals and letting my hair down completely with all the things I have missed out on and I'm sad that it's all probably just a fantasy and I'll probably end up his bloody carer and then die before him or something.
I don't know where to go from here. 3 children, 65%equity in the house, owned jointly, no massive pensions, he has savings but I don't want half. I could afford a small terraced with a mortgage, I'd trade my car for something cheaper and live frugally, he's the big spender.
Have checked out? I know he'll talk me around, we'll be back here in 3 months and the circle goes round. This is the first time that it doesn't frighten me. That I can see I can be happy alone but it's that horrible inbetween bit isn't it? If I could fast forward all that, id do it in a heartbeat.
I don't know what I want from this. Just sounding out. Thanks If you got this far, I know I'm boring

Following for advice
Sorry i cant give anything good a i am in similar situ...

Life’s too short, bite the bullet and don’t turn back, it’s time for a new happier chapter in your life

I just think had I not been so soft last time around, I'd have been free now, own house, own life, living it how I want.

I see threads on here about twatty men and think why don't you just LTB?! But when you're in the situation and living it, you can't see past the end of your nose and the fear of the unknown is terrifying.

He's just tried to kiss me goodnight. Never does that usually, he's clearly creeping. It made my skin crawl. I've wanted intimacy and affection for so long but I don't want it with him anymore. Awful feeling

You can do it @Hemsbyboc . He's not the man for you. x

“I just think had I not been so soft last time around, I’d have been free now, own house, own life, living it how I want...”

You will be saying that if the future about this moment in time. You’re still so young. You’ve your whole future ahead of you. Grab it! You sound like you’d be fine, you sound like you’ve got a sensible head on your shoulders- use it. Do something for yourself, make your future better. You could spend your future with someone who adores you and who you really love.

Lots of similar thoughts kept me in my marriage for far longer than I should have been there tbh. Once I was done, I didn’t look back. It was horrible as he was vile and held up things at every point he could but it was all done and dusted in 18 months.

By the sound of it, he knows it’s almost done and is still trying to have control over it.

My advice is to contact a good divorce solicitor and get things going. If you feel like the way you’ve described, you’ll have a miserable existence for the rest of your life if you don’t.

Like most, I thought my marriage would last forever... then thought I’d stay in it for the kids’ sakes (which never works). Since we separated, life has been a million times better for me and the kids.

You deserve more in life 💐

Start the process.

You’ve got a lifetime ahead of you. Don't spend it unhappy and full of bitterness and resentment. It’s going to be better for everyone involved if you can move on now, amicably if possible but even if not, it’s still going to be better than staying in this loveless, stifling environment.

Start the process, get a solicitor, talk to them, tell them your situation, get some advice, know where you stand.

Take that little buzz of excitement at the thought of a happier life and nurture it. Keep visualising the life you and the kids could have. How you will feel to breathe fully without this weight around your shoulders.
Keep imagining being your true self and let the spark grow.

Make a practical list somewhere he won’t see it and get to work. Start with a solicitor and pulling all your paperwork together.

Practical things:
Contact DWP for state pension forecast.
Contact any other pensions for same.
Figure out all of your income/ expenditure/ savings/ debts for Form E.
Have marriage cert and ID ready
Consider getting house valued (in case)

Just to clarify- we are divorced but life was a million times better from the moment he left

I know it will be ok in the end it's just taking that leap. I know he'll kick off.

After this long of blanking me, he usually texts me to say he loves me and i melt but I'm not today. I don't know whether to blank him or reply that I want a divorce.

I know we should have an adult conversation about it but he's incapable of that, that's when he starts getting really nasty and personal and I just want it to stop so I shut up.
I need reminding that if that's how he thinks of me when we've had a row, he must feel like that all the time, he's just suppressing it

You need to find that cold calculating determined side of yourself and use it. Speak to a solicitor, make realistic plans and at some point lay them out to him. You don't need rows about reasons, you can make the decision and follow through. Sounds to me like you are at the right point now, grab it! Good luck, you've got 50 years ahead of you, don't let them be like this.

@Hemsbyboc

After this long of blanking me, he usually texts me to say he loves me and i melt but I'm not today. I don't know whether to blank him or reply that I want a divorce.

Don't mention a divorce yet. Get your ducks in a row (all financial information for both of you, speak privately to a divorce lawyer, check house prices you'll want to live in, etc), see if you can improve work prospects/salary, etc so you are in a good position before you tell him you wish to divorce.

Of course he'll kick off. At present things generally work well for him. You make his life easier - so why would he want things to change?

Get a clear idea of where you want to be in six months, a year, 5+ years, etc and work towards this.

Staying in this unhappy situation doesn't sound like a viable proposition for the rest of your life. 🌹

Don't mention divorce just yet. Speak to a solicitor and get a firm understanding in what you can and can't expect, this will stop him gaslighting you into a panic by telling you things that aren't true.

Squirrel away important documents, marriage certificates, passports etc

Also get copies of any financial documents such as savings accounts, pensions, mortgage statements

Then instruct your solicitor and tell him you're divorcing him

Life really is too short to put up with such a shitty life.

That fear of the unknown feeling? Gets better when you've done what PP's are suggesting. Having a plan makes it seem real and possible instead of hard and impossible, the whole 'getting ducks in a row' thing is as much about mentally/emotionally preparing as it is about practical plans because it shows you it can be done and might actually be ok, really helps with that paralysed by fear feeling.

OP Please go for it. I was with a twat for far too long. The relationship was abusive. He dragged me down all the time making me feel as if there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
I did not have a life with him. We just existed. Any money saved would be sent abroad to his family.
Eventually I made him leave (had to pay him off) and suddenly the beautiful sun started shining again. No more rows in our home and peace at night. No more being raped, chased around the house for sex at night with a smelly disgusting cheating horror of a human being.
We were poor after he left but it was only money and you can't put a price on happiness can you ?

I know he'll talk me around, we'll be back here in 3 months and the circle goes round

That's a cop out. You have autonomy. Use it.

It's a choice to go back to him. It's a choice to stay. It's a choice to keep deferring to his control.

It's a choice to use his control as an excuse not to take any steps towards leaving.

You recognise he's controlling. By definition then he's never going to do anything to help you leave or agree to your desire to leave. Doing so would mean losing control of you. (Which is not the basis of any healthy relationship and probably why he targeted someone so young).

Act. Start putting together arrangements to leave. Then leave. Don't engage with his games. Don't wait for or seek his approval.

And instead of making excuses to your children about his awful behaviour or minimising it, you tell them clearly that it is not acceptable. Otherwise how will they know? This is their normal.

By covering for him you teach them it is ok and you leave them vulnerable to be manipulated by him and people like him.

If you teach them his controlling, abusive behaviour is normal and how people behave when they love you or are "just worried about you" then of course they won't understand why you would leave him for it or will think you're overreacting. It's your responsibility to give them the information they need to understand and protect themselves.

You have a lot of ways to take control of your life here. If you choose to do so.

Thank you. These are all the things I need to hear

@Hemsbyboc, you know you've had enough. There's no need to be trapped for a lifetime.

And you have enough to start off with! Your little home may be little, but it will be yours, and something in the way you write makes me feel confident that you will go on to flourish, given the right conditions. Living frugally can be oddly satisfying, especially compared to living in a gilded cage.

Things will start out small, and grow from there. Just imagine the satisfaction of that, and the more positive life that awaits you! There's no need to dismiss it all as fantasy. The very fact that you can imagine it at all means there is a good chance of making it all work. It's never too late to start building a happier future!

Ah. I got exited for you reading that. Go for it. You will never look back!

Believe me. I thought I was trapped for life. Nobody was more surprised than me when I just bit the bullet and spoke to a divorce solicitor.

I worked, have a career... went part time and paid his mother £800 each month to have her own grandchild for 3 days each week because she didn’t agree with putting her into nursery (it was fine for my eldest son though).

I’m digressing now. Before I spoke to a solicitor, I was told no hope by three different mortgage advisors. I lost all hope. Then a friend suggested one and everything took a turn for the better.

We had a clean break financially done via court order so my pension is protected. I had no interest in taking anything off him. I just wanted peace and stability for the kids.

Financially, I’m better off without him 100%, mentally (it took a while to shake off his ghost- and the misery of hearing his key turn in the door).

I’m a billion times better off and, most importantly, the kids are so much more at ease without his BS in the house. Coming and going as he pleased, being a selfish prick. Not spending time with them etc etc.

For a while, I wished I’d done it sooner but I think it happened at the right time. I think you know that your right time is here.

Good luck with it all. You will be fine. You will be fabulous.

If you know anyone who has been through similar, ask them for recommendations for a solicitor etc.

X

I personally know several women who knew in their 30's that their marriage was shit and they were desperately unhappy, yet due to fear, stayed. Three divorced in their 50's, two of them in their 60's. The only regret all of them have is not leaving when they first knew they should.

You got one life, op. That's it. For fuck's sake, don't waste it being this unhappy. Staying won't benefit anyone, including your kids.

He tried touching me last night but I told him he didn't get to do that just to get his 30 seconds of fun when he shows me no affection at all. He just turned over in a huff.

I don't want more than I'm owed. I just want half the house equity. I don't want any of his savings, they are from a compensation injury that affects him and not me so that wouldn't be fair. Also, given his age, he'd struggle for a large mortgage and the guy has to live. No significant pensions, I've only recently joined one as my wage has gone up and he doesn't have one either. He's terrible with money. He has assets in material things but again, I don't want them. I am happy to keep my debt in my name and pay it off from equity and he keep his. Mine's not huge, car finance and a credit card. What I would be after would be a lot less than half all assets so very much in his favour although he can't stand to see me have anything nice so he wouldn't be happy about It. On the other hand I could go for half which he would be raging about so my suggestion is best for him.
He also wouldn't fight for custody, he's never bothered with them.
I read so many threads on here though that I know I probably sound very naive

All sounds so simple in my head and I couldn't have even thought about this when we last split so im making progress I think.

You don't sound naive.

You really could be rid of him fairly easily, whether he gets nasty or not.

Your proposal above is very generous - so I'd tell him that, and the second he started ranting I'd say - 'Ok, if you don't like it - I'll just go for half of everything. I'll file, I'll represent myself, it won't actually cost me much to take much more than I want to take, but if you want to try and make this difficult that's exactly what I'll do.'

His very next words will be 'I'll go for custody' - and at that, you should smile and say, well yes I very much hope you will pull your weight with childcare at last once we split. You certainly will not get residence, but I'd be delighted to see you go to court for the right to 50-50, and see you do your share at last'. That will be the last you hear of it! - as he has no desire to share the childcare load, he simply would want to try and frighten you out of leaving.

Seriously - just file for divorce, tell him, and start making plans.

Keep moving a little further towards leaving every day. Do one little thing. Look up or get recommendations for a solicitor. Photocopy/file documents you will need. Start looking at where you could live etc.