I think I'm done

[Hemsbyboc]

Been with H my whole adult life. He's a lot older than me. I think we've come to the end.
We split a couple of years ago and got back together after a few months. I thought at the time that the worst thing would be being alone in a tiny house with a crappy car and was willing to do anything to keep my marriage going. He didn't bother with the kids in those months and they blamed me. He Took them out once and just came to the house to have a go at me. I knew no different life, haven't experienced anything without him etc. I wanted my familiar life back and the kids happy again. we had counselling, really tried hard but we're now back to where we were 3 years ago.
He shows me no love, no affection, talks to me like shit, ridicules me for reading. He has a problem with me bettering myself as I come from the worst estate in my town and have done well education wise and we have a nice house and cars. I think he feels he gave me all that and rescued me from the ghetto which he didn't.
He's turning into his father who is a horrible man and brings his mum down with him. I feel he's doing the same to me. He wants to go on driving holidays in the UK. I'm in my 30s with pre-teens. I want to be lay in the sunshine whilst the kids make friends and swim and have fun not sit cooped in a car for hours everyday to look at scenery in the miserable weather!
I digress, in short I think we've run our course. The thought now of being alone in a tiny house is appealing as I could decorate how I want and have my things on the walls. I would no longer be under his control. I've started answering back for the first time ever and it's making him madder and madder.
I've been looking up divorce and how long it would take and looking on rightmove and thinking of tinder and festivals and letting my hair down completely with all the things I have missed out on and I'm sad that it's all probably just a fantasy and I'll probably end up his bloody carer and then die before him or something.
I don't know where to go from here. 3 children, 65%equity in the house, owned jointly, no massive pensions, he has savings but I don't want half. I could afford a small terraced with a mortgage, I'd trade my car for something cheaper and live frugally, he's the big spender.
Have checked out? I know he'll talk me around, we'll be back here in 3 months and the circle goes round. This is the first time that it doesn't frighten me. That I can see I can be happy alone but it's that horrible inbetween bit isn't it? If I could fast forward all that, id do it in a heartbeat.
I don't know what I want from this. Just sounding out. Thanks If you got this far, I know I'm boring

this is a great idea - small steps to a better life OP!

I too felt as you do - I won't lie, it was shit when it all started to happen - but little by little, I found myself again. What I learnt from it was:

Grey rock technique - google it and use it
Do not get sucked into feeling guilty for others pain (yes, this includes your childrens short term pain at the change)
You are doing this for the right reasons - you are just as important as everyone else
Whatever he says to get you to stay - remember you've heard it all before, he can't change who he is

Oh and when you get this far - dating / having your own home to have as you'd like it / seeing your kids growing and blossoming after the split and most importantly - living your life as you choose. I promise, it will be worth it.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you need to x

@Hemsbyboc I feel like I could have written this post - I’m in a very similar situation

@Hemsbyboc

He tried touching me last night but I told him he didn't get to do that just to get his 30 seconds of fun when he shows me no affection at all. He just turned over in a huff.

I don't want more than I'm owed. I just want half the house equity. I don't want any of his savings, they are from a compensation injury that affects him and not me so that wouldn't be fair. Also, given his age, he'd struggle for a large mortgage and the guy has to live. No significant pensions, I've only recently joined one as my wage has gone up and he doesn't have one either. He's terrible with money. He has assets in material things but again, I don't want them. I am happy to keep my debt in my name and pay it off from equity and he keep his. Mine's not huge, car finance and a credit card. What I would be after would be a lot less than half all assets so very much in his favour although he can't stand to see me have anything nice so he wouldn't be happy about It. On the other hand I could go for half which he would be raging about so my suggestion is best for him.
He also wouldn't fight for custody, he's never bothered with them.
I read so many threads on here though that I know I probably sound very naive

All sounds so simple in my head and I couldn't have even thought about this when we last split so im making progress I think.

Of course it’s entirely up to you, and people often do carry out the whole process with very little legal advice. In my case, the court order etc protects me from him trying to stake any claim on anything in the future... whether it be some sort of claim of interest in my property, future earnings, pension etc.

Without the legal assistance I had (speaking for myself), it would have dragged on and been more costly. Exh pulled some tricks out of the hat that left me speechless. Some solicitors offer 30 mins free advice- it might be worth taking it just to see how you stand with protection in the future even if he agrees to your plan now.

I always think of the future and ask myself if I’d be happy to be in the same situation in 20 years. Would you? Do you want to be with him then?

I don't want to be with him in 20 days, let alone 20 years.

He knows there's something up. Super nice and had dinner done when I got home. Still a few nasty digs, he can't help himself, he makes my skin crawl.

Definitely speak to a few divorce solicitors, start getting all the financial documents together. Don’t tell him until everything is settled and you’re ready to go as he’ll just make a big fuss and try and persuade you to stay. There’s no point. Organise what you need to first. Good luck

@Hemsbyboc
Well said ! You said in your original post you knew you were boring, you are NOT boring. I can relate to everything you have written down. You have come to your own conclusions with your post, so you know you are doing the right thing. It sounds like you have the practicalities covered, as in downsizing, and you're not greedy as you don't want half his savings. Just make your own plans and go forward, I know you will be worried about your DC, but if you're not happy, they won't be happy.

No point having much of a conversation about it- he'll just try to wound you with his replies and it could effect you long term to have more of it.

Can you afford to rent somewhere- just move out and then let him know after you've done it?

And take the kids with you of course. My mum did that. I suppose she maybe discussed it with my dad before that, but yours doesn't deserve that and he'll try to cause you permanent psychological damage as much as he can, even more than he already has.