Issue or non issue?

[overthinker1245]

New relationship with an old friend going amazingly well.
Hadn't seen each other for a few years and then got back in touch, all is great.
About ten years ago I had a couple of silly drunk one night stands with a mutual friend of ours, a fairly good friend of his. He has no idea, I don't believe the other person would have told anyone and I haven't. It was a long time ago and no feelings involved at all.
I can't work out whether I should say anything or not. I have a feeling it wouldn't be great news for him and I really don't want to mess it up.
If it's unlikely to come up would you keep schtum or not?
I know everyone has a past and all that and in theory it shouldn't be a problem

I’d mention it in passing if the occasion ever arose and make it clear that it was a one off, a long time ago and you don’t want to discuss it..... but I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to tell him if it’s not affecting your relationship and neither of you are in regular contact with this person.

However if he’s in regular contact with this person I would.

He's moved away but comes back sometimes. In non covid times anyway. It was very silly I would never have done it if I'd thought I'd end up being with my new bloke.
Neither of us would have done it sober. Both single at the time, nobody else affected in any way.
I was thinking that I could brush it off if it comes up, I wouldn't lie but I don't want to bring up a mess if there's no point to it

None issue. Don't be an apologist.

Obviously if a topic anywhere near it ever comes up then be truthful. But don't bring it
Up out of the blue without reason.

We all have a past!

I'll be honest the coward in me likes this response

Honestly, non issue. I don't think you have anything you need to confess to. It's in the past.

Have you spoken about past relationships? I'd ask him what, if anything he wants to know. My DH was always of the opinion that anything before him wasn't his business and he didn't want to know. Your bf might be similar.

A friend of mine though got really upset that her bf didn't tell her about a random hook up. It was with a girl that was friends with his cousin. He'd see her at big family things but not socially any other way. They were all at a wedding together and she was super upset that he didn't warn her about it before being sat at a table with her.

We've know each other forever this was just in a window where we didn't see each other for quite a while.
We each have kids so and we know a bit about what the others done because we've been there for some of it. We did agree that whatever befire is doesn't matter and we all have a past
The other guy isn't a smug idiot type that would say anything to cause trouble or anything like that.
It sounds so small I just wouldn't want to cause him any bad feelings

I’d say nothing.

It’s in your past, no big deal.

I would tell him. If he finds out later and you didn't it will make it a bigger thing than it is. Just tell him what you told us.

@Twizbe

Have you spoken about past relationships? I'd ask him what, if anything he wants to know. My DH was always of the opinion that anything before him wasn't his business and he didn't want to know. Your bf might be similar.

A friend of mine though got really upset that her bf didn't tell her about a random hook up. It was with a girl that was friends with his cousin. He'd see her at big family things but not socially any other way. They were all at a wedding together and she was super upset that he didn't warn her about it before being sat at a table with her.

Have to say I'm with Twizbe's husband on this one. I absolutely don't want to know about my partners past hook ups. Its none of my business. People's tomorrow's are more important than their yesterday's. Unless it has to be known its irrelevant.

If he had a problem with you sleeping with someone years in the past then he's a dick.

But you don't need to offer up this information, it's not a secret but you don't have to qualify every sexual encounter you have ever had.

If you are worrying about him taking it badly maybe that means he is not the right person for you. You should never fear a partner learning something about your past and feeling like you should keep it from them because you fear their reaction.

@MrsGogolsGumbo that's sound advice. I'm inclined to worry about things too much, I may have overblown it in my head.
This is the first time someone has been this genuine and lovely to me and I'm almost waiting for something to go wrong

I think the fact he is a friend makes the difference here. If it were me and my boyfriend had a secret with one of my friends about anything I would find that really upsetting and would feel a bit humiliated, sort of like a third wheel. I like to think I would be fine with it if it was out in the open. It is not about having a problem with the act itself but the fact you both are privy to information he isn't. But I am sensitive about this type of thing and bow down to the majority view! xx

@overthinker1245 I am an overthinker too, however past experience with less than decent men and age (not that old!) have taught me that if I am worrying about something like this it is either because 1) the other person is giving me red flag energy and I need to rip the plaster off to find out if there is a red flag and leave if necessary OR 2) I am waaay overthinking and need to spend some time rebalancing myself and pulling my head out of the "disaster zone".

Never make yourself small for someone else. So don't offer it up, don't hide it and if it does come up watch his reaction carefully and go from there.

@MrsGogolsGumbo I'm going to go with that one thank you.
It's not like I've done anything wrong so I don't owe an explanation. I'll be honest if it comes up

Yes, of course be honest if it comes up, but remember, it's a decade old news, you don't owe anyone chapter and verse on your past and you did nothing wrong or hurtful.

I'm going against the consensus here, and agree 100% with what tellme said.

The fact this is a mutual current friend means this is completely different to sharing the gory details about about a random hook-up in the past. The fact you are even asking the question to yourself means that you know it is different.

If you let him know now, it is a complete non issue. You are just giving him the heads up. If he makes it in to an issue, well, you have a bigger problem, but that's with him, not you. As you rightly say, you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

But if it did come out years down the line, after you've been in company together, shared a drink together - perhaps your DP has confided in this friend how much he loves you, how he wants to marry you - sorry OP, but I think in that situation I would feel absolutely humiliated and find it difficult to forgive.

As it is a close friend of his and a mutual friend to you both I would mention it. It was a long time ago but I think it would look very very bad if he did find out a few months/years down the line.
And you will always be worrying he might find out every time you or he sees this friend.
Also, think if it was reversed. Would you want to know now or would you find it odd it hadn't been mentioned considering the friendship group? And would you then wonder why he kept it from you all that time.

Just tell him because if it comes up down the line I’m sure he’ll feel more betrayed/blindsided.

I wouldn't say a word.

Unless it came up.

Then would just say, past history, meant nothing, still means nothing. Yeah booze.

Bringing it up gives it more importance than it has.

I'm with the people who say mention it, but in a very low key way.

Not making a bit production about it. When DH and I got together it was a pleasure, over a lot of time, to go over our lives up til now, to see what we had learned and how we wanted to be different in this relationship.

A one night stand would naturally come up as something but is what it is and it's over kind of way.

For me, if there is ever anything I don't want to share it's either because I don't trust the other person's reaction (so not a LT prospect ) or it's because I'm ashamed of my own behaviour. If I bottle that up it eats away at me. If I can say it out loud to someone I trust , I always feel better for it and it stops being such a big deal for me.

Hope you find what works for you xx

I dont think he needs to know unless it comes up in conversation then be honest.

Bringing it up gives it more importance than it has

This!

I think what sways me a bit towards saying nothing is that the likelihood of the other person saying something is pretty much zero and I'm certain neither of us would even mention it to each other again.
These events aren't an unusual thing for him and I'm probably almost forgotten lol.
I will definitely say something if any conversation comes up around it and I won't lie if asked. But I think I'd rather play it down as something I don't think about do it doesn't become a big deal. I had no opinion on it until now really.

Good for you @overthinker1245! I think the main focus should really be that you have done absolutely nothing wrong morally or otherwise.

You had sex with someone years ago. No crime was committed, it is not an offence to sleep with someone who is a friend, you didn't cheat on current BF with the friend. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel like you did or be made to feel like you did.

Finding it a bit silly that people are saying it'll be worse if it "comes out" like it's some shameful crime that if uncovered will make people shy in horror from you. Daft!