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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want my ex husband back!

80 replies

millypeggyandpandora · 23/03/2021 17:18

Please help me decide what to do ladies.
I divorced my husband of 20 years in 2019 after finding out he was having an affair while working abroad.
I have tried to move on, I have a new partner and I moved in with him just before lockdown last year. We now live in a village 1 hour from my old home. He is kind and we have interests in common, but sex is dire and I now feel bored, and trapped.
I think of my ex husband every day and make excuses to communicate with him. He is still with the ow and my oldest adult daughter lives with him. He admits he still loves me and I have told him I still love him. I long to rewind the clock and be in the old family home again surrounded by my friends and with my ex.
My new partner and I have spoken about moving somewhere more rural next January time. Part of me thinks I should do this as a new start but I think my longing for ex and boredom would continue. The most honest thing to do would be to move back near my friends and family on my own wouldn't it? Or would I then just be recreating the past and trying to get my ex back?
Please tell me what you think ? I need the unbiased opinion of strangers Smile

OP posts:
Lochmorlich · 23/03/2021 18:13

I think you need to live on your own for a while.
Your current dp is obviously a rebound relationship.

Onthedunes · 23/03/2021 18:19

When someone who you love betrays you so badly it hurts and you hate them, but you can also still love them at the same time.

You know your ex's faults, one of them being he didn't love you enough to remain faithful, he didn't care if you got hurt.

This new partner obviously has not filled that void in your life so maybe its best to end it.
I think moving near your daughter is quite a good idea but be single, don't re visit the relationship with your ex.
The pain will only return and the lack of trust.

I have known couples who have re married after both realising they missed one another, but both relationships ended again.
It's very hard to turn back the clock and forget about betrayal.

millypeggyandpandora · 23/03/2021 18:21

Lochmorlich

Your right, I now realise it is a rebound relationship and feel guilty about that.
I worry that any new relationship would be on the rebound and that my ex husband is the only man I will ever love, even though I know he is a twat and as PP said you can't go looking for love where you lost it !

OP posts:
Mn753 · 23/03/2021 18:28

Is he a twat though? What was the marriage like before he cheated? I could forgive a working away cheat much more than I could forgive general selfishness or disinterest.

millypeggyandpandora · 23/03/2021 18:35

Mn753
We married after 18 years together in 2015. We loved each other and laughed a lot.
But we both experienced multiple bereavements, he turned 50 and thought working abroad was a new start. So he wasn't a twat until he was ! Iyswim!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/03/2021 18:35

Even if he's not a twat, he's still playing happy families with the OW and his daughter.

clpsmum · 23/03/2021 18:46

DO NOT FAKE HIM BACK

Ex for a reason and yes I meant to shout that!!
Don't do it you'll regret it

Mn753 · 23/03/2021 18:55

I've been married a similar length of time, I just think it's not black and white. My husband is a lovely man, but none of us is perfect and everyone is capable of mistakes. I would probably get back together in your shoes. As long as you protect yourself financially and treat the other people involved fairly. You could be like Ken and Diedre. I know mumsnet is all ltb but it seems very short on people who are in v long term marriages. Read the Alain de Botton book 'the course of true love'. Makes a lot of sense.

VictoriaBun · 23/03/2021 18:58

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy !
You were the wife - Don't become the mistress !

ThatOtherPoster · 23/03/2021 19:08

I am afraid to live alone as I haven't done it even though I am 54!

I bet you’ll LOVE it. Men are fab but (IME) they’re not the most scintillating housemates. Get your own lovely place, gave it exactly how you like it, enjoy every minute of YOUR home. All your friends will flock round there as often as they can.

DaisyandIvy · 23/03/2021 19:15

I don’t think it all needs to be so black and white. Sometimes when you don’t know what to do, it’s best to do nothing for a while (or very little). Just do some gardening or sewing instead.

One thing I would personally do though is to call some time on your current relationship. Definitely don’t rush into moving house with him or back home, take a little time to ponder what’s next for you. Do a little gardening instead.

As for your ex H, who’s to know? If he really, truly feels the same way you do in time, ends his relationship and wants to try again with you, if you’re both committed to it then that’s your decision to make. People do
reunite, some people remarry. Only time will tell and only you can know whether that’s going to be right for you. I would definitely not be initiating contact with him though. If someone wants to be with you, they will find a way. He should be putting the effort in if he wants to reunite and he should leave you in no doubt of what he wants and his actions should reflect his words. Proceed cautiously and first and foremost, protect your heart.

But mostly importantly, be alone for a while. I’m a similar age to you and have had to adapt to being single since my H left in 2019 (our 3 children live with me). I am cherishing the time I have now to focus on the children, work and my hobbies.

Maybe it’s naive but I have faith that I’ll find love again at some point in the future but right now, single life is fine. I like having the comfy bed to myself. I like just being left alone to do some gardening.

Keep the faith. Look after yourself. Take your time. You’ll be fine. Flowers

filoflapjack · 23/03/2021 19:16

OP, I think I could be you! Married for 20 years and caught husband out having an affair whist abroad. This was four years ago and we got divorced within seconds, not even trying to talk things through as the OW was persistent (and pregnant!).
My ex put us (myself and kids) through hell but I believe that as much as hate him for breaking up our family, I will probably never stop loving him and often wonder if he now regrets what happened.
I totally "get' that other posters would say "ex for a reason... blah.... blah" but I also truly believe that it's hard to stop loving someone, despite what they did.

millypeggyandpandora · 23/03/2021 19:20

Mn753
Thanks I will read that book suggestion.
Not to affirm my longing for my ex, but to get another viewpoint.
Pp is right, I can't stop loving him, it's a tsp I can't turn off.
I will really think about how to be alone without fucking it up. I really appreciate your thoughtful and insightful comments ladies. Xxxx

OP posts:
Classicbrunette · 23/03/2021 19:20

I have been in your shoes. You Must have been happy with your ex until he did the dirty on you. I don’t think you can trust him unfortunately, he will only do it again. If you go back to him, it’ll only be a matter of time when you’re back to square one.

You need to move on, decide if you want to be with your new man or be on your own. Moving to a new rural area is a huge step, it will help you to forget your past (I did this) but you have to be sure that the area and the person you do it with is absolutely right.

I’ll add that you spent 20 years with your ex, so it’s a lot of memories you have. If you were basically happy ( or so you thought) then it’s no wonder that you hanker to go back. But remember he’s not the man you thought he was. 💐

millypeggyandpandora · 23/03/2021 19:32

Filoflapjack
Have you managed to move on? Was it alone?
Classic brunette
Are you now happy in a rural area? Do you feel lonely ?

OP posts:
millypeggyandpandora · 23/03/2021 19:35

Daisy and Ivy
What a lovely supportive post ( amongst others! )

OP posts:
EarthSight · 23/03/2021 19:37

I think your ex is pointing out some key things that are missing for you with your current partner......but that doesn't mean you should get back with your ex. People cheat not only because they're unhappy. They also cheat because some people love the ego stroke and excitement, and that's a liability. Some people do learn their lesson maybe after cheating, but you need to prepare yourself for how you will feel if that happens again with your ex.

EarthSight · 23/03/2021 19:38

@VictoriaBun

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy ! You were the wife - Don't become the mistress !
@VictoriaBun Lol...great saying.
millypeggyandpandora · 23/03/2021 19:54

Earth sight
Your right. I have been thinking that because my partner doesn't fulfil some of my needs that my ex did... that I should go back to my ex, rather than create a space to fulfil them myself or with someone else.
It's my age ( and my inexperience) it seems scary to be alone.

OP posts:
HoldontoOneMoreDay · 23/03/2021 19:55

So your ex cheated on you and now he wants to cheat with you? Is it just lockdown do you think or did he always lack imagination?

Your current P was your rebound, if lockdown hadn't happened you might have burbled along quite happily together but it did and now the shine has worn off. That is perfectly fine. Expected. Natural. Society expects women to be in monogamous LTRs but why? The chances of bouncing from one 20 year relationship to another one are so slim.

Break up with your partner. Move to the city. Try new things. Make a life for yourself. Join a club, volunteer (God I sound like Cathy and Claire!). You'll soon forget about your ex.

Dery · 23/03/2021 19:55

Not RTFT but if your decision-making is driven by a fear of living alone then you’re going to keep making bad decisions like you did when you rushed into your current relationship. You’re so clearly dissatisfied in that relationship that it doesn’t make sense that you’re even contemplating a further house move with him.

My Mum lived on her own for the first time in her early 50s. It had its ups and downs but mostly she had a ball. Met the love of her life at 55.

Get the living alone nailed and then you’ll be making relationship decisions for the right reasons, not the wrong ones.

Malwithoutbec · 23/03/2021 19:57

Without having read all the replies, I think that the first thing you need to do, OP, is to leave your current partner. If you are bored already and there's no sexual chemistry at the beginning of a relationship, what's the point?

It seems to me that you are with him because you might be afraid of being on your own.

I also think that you need to move on regarding your ex. These things happen for a reason and going back to a relationship where there's been betrayal and lack of commitment doesn't look good.

Have you explored the option of living alone for a while until you can work out which direction to take? If your ex is still with the ow, this is for a reason, otherwise, he would have left her by now.

Classicbrunette · 24/03/2021 07:46

millypeggyandpandora I love being in the rural area, I love the house, garden and where it is and yes it can be lonely but I have family over quite a bit and friends who love to visit and stay (although non of that is happening in these times )

DoItAnyway · 24/03/2021 10:07

Stop wasting this new man's time. How would you like it done to you?

Alcemeg · 24/03/2021 23:03

Maybe your ex (rightly or wrongly) has come to represent a time in your life when you felt more stable and certain about things generallly.

That might be the appeal, more than actually him as a person, if that makes sense...?

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