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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband gives me bruises in his sleep.

32 replies

Misssweetheart · 23/03/2021 14:25

So i gave birth to my son 7 months ago. And despite my warnings my husband would SOMETIMES sleep with my son in the bed with us BUT ONLY FOR AN HOUR OR TWO A WEEK.
I warned him about babies rolling out the bed in the middle of the night,which has sparked this worrying behaviour;

Im now pregnant again and over the last 4 months, my husband has grabbed my leg, arm or chest in his sleep and pulled with all his strength 4 times!!! He does this when i turn over in bed
He has sometimes caused serious bruising and even though im screaming, he wont stop.

When he comes too - he apologises repeatedly and claims he thinks im our son rolling out the bed and hes trying to save him. My screams; he interprets as my pleas for him to save our son.

Our son doesnt even sleep in the bed anymore.

My husband worships the ground i walk on and is the most calm, understanding man. But im getting tired of getting grabbed, twisted and fighting him till he lets go. Any advice. I dont want us to sleep in different rooms but is there a cure?
Xx

OP posts:
seensome · 23/03/2021 14:35

That's awful op he could of caused serious harm to your son, I'm glad you won't be letting your son sleep in the same bed again.
It's also very distressing to you, maybe he needs some sort of therapy to get out of the habit. In the meantime you could use an alarm or bell to wake him quickly?

MarieDelaere · 23/03/2021 14:40

Separate beds at the very least. He's physically hurting you, putting you at risk.

What does he suggest? Nothing?

CharlotteRose90 · 23/03/2021 14:42

Oh gosh that’s awful sounds like sleep terrors. Is he sleeping or generally stressed? He needs to talk to his Gp and quick. Also do you have a spare room that he can move into . I find I get sleep terrors when I’m stressed and I myself have woken my ex partner shaking him as I thought he was ill. It’s awful for both the person and the recipient. I bet he feels horrible about it. For me there isn’t a cure other then to make sure I don’t get stressed or overthink

idontlikealdi · 23/03/2021 14:45

Mine does this. We now sleep in separate beds.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 23/03/2021 14:49

I'd be making sure he is in fact actually asleep.
If this is the case he needs to think of a way to stop doing it. Maybe he should sleep elsewhere.

harknesswitch · 23/03/2021 14:55

Separate beds. I used to have a bf who did this, it ended up that I couldn't sleep with him as I was always anxious that he'd hurt me during the night

FantasyPants · 23/03/2021 15:07

Firstly, just sleep separately if possible.

Secondly, thrashing about in sleep, or “acting out dreams” - as in, being able to move your limbs in your sleep can be a precursor to neurological issues in years to come. My grandad used to act out his dreams, punching or running while lying down, when he was asleep. He was definitely asleep. Now he has Parkinson’s disease.

There was an 8 year gap between when he started to do this and the first signs of Parkinson’s disease and it is a very early pre-cursor where the deterioration of the brain stem begins. It can be a factor in other neurodegenerative disorders.

You are not typically supposed to move in your sleep, your brain prevents it until or unless something is wrong. It’s a REM sleep disorder and you should keep an eye on it and look for any non brain related causes.

LavenderLollies · 23/03/2021 15:24

My ex had the exact same issue. The specialist said that when most people lose muscle tone when they’re in a deep sleep, he wasn’t, so he was acting out dreams. I’d wake up to him grabbing and shaking me as he was dreaming a pile of bricks had fallen onto me!

Advise him to go to the GP for a referral to a specialist, we saw a respiratory consultant. A medication called clonazapem really helped him!

But please no matter what don’t let your second baby bedshare with either of you: it’s the biggest risk factor for SIDS, strangulation, suffocation and entrapment, even when done as safely as possible. Lullaby trust have lots of advice and guidance on safe sleep! Good luck.

WisnaeMe · 23/03/2021 15:38

this is awful 😳

category12 · 23/03/2021 15:42

If you believe this is genuinely in his sleep and your relationship is otherwise good, twin beds.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 23/03/2021 15:52

Of course it’s in his sleep. I have it (to a milder degree) it’s called REM sleep behaviour disorder and my dad had it too, but apparently not hereditary. There are some medications for it and in the US is is treated with melatonin which isn’t prescribed here annoyingly.
He can speak to a Dr, join some facebook support groups for ideas and google. There is no confirmed medical link to Parkinson’s - they do think it’s a similar area in the brain. It’s a bloody annoying condition for everyone I’ll be honest. We share a bed but if mine got worse, I don’t know what we will do. I wake as I’m acting out the action but I’m a lot smaller.

louisehall · 23/03/2021 17:14

My oh suffered night terrors up until a year ago where they just completely dissapeared / thank god
I've woke up in night to him screaming with his hands round my neck or over my face and I've literally had to fight with him to wake him up the most scariest experience ever
He used to get them once/twice a week at least and it was just him kicking hitting but when that happened had no other choice for him to sleep in spare room

Shoxfordian · 23/03/2021 17:29

Can you sleep in another room? He needs to do something to address this

crestar · 23/03/2021 18:09

@category12

If you believe this is genuinely in his sleep and your relationship is otherwise good, twin beds.
He's a man - therefore he must be making it up.
category12 · 23/03/2021 18:16

Crestar, domestic abuse exists. Night terrors exist. If OP is confident of which one it is, it's simple.

crestar · 23/03/2021 19:10

@category12

Crestar, domestic abuse exists. Night terrors exist. If OP is confident of which one it is, it's simple.
The op wrote -

My husband worships the ground i walk on and is the most calm, understanding man

Hardly sounds like someone who is abusive does it?
I think your comment it totally irrelevant to this particular case.

Another anti male biased comment on Mumsnet.

category12 · 23/03/2021 19:23

@Crestar, I feel I've been more constructive than you have since I suggested twin beds in my first post, a practical solution - whereas in contrast, you have merely come on to wail and whine about alleged anti-male sentiment. But that's what you always do.

EarthSight · 23/03/2021 19:30

Aww...I'm not sure you can do anything at the moment other than sleep in a separate bed and make sure you get plenty of cuddles before sleep and when you wake up in the morning. Maybe he should see a neurologist since this might fall under their field of expertise. Sleep issues like this can go up in times of anxiety or stress so that's probably something they'll focus on.

HarrietLong · 23/03/2021 19:35

OP, there is a series of 3 podcasts about sleep issues, currently available to listen to on BBC Sounds. It includes people who sleepwalk, have night terrors, and who act badly towards their partner whilst asleep. I would recommend you listen to it. Your DH may need referral to a sleep clinic. This situation cannot continue.

GemSmith738 · 23/03/2021 19:51

My DH also has night terrors like this (we also have a 7 month old) he really thinks our DD is under the covers or that he has dropped her, he is definitely asleep and this wakes him in a panic. He has self referred to a MH service and sleeps with something to hold (we think this may help as he doesn't have the feeling of not holding her then). Hope this helps. If you are pregnant now I would definitely make sure you sleep in another bed.

Qwertyyui · 23/03/2021 22:47

My DH rescues me a lot in his sleep. I roll over and he thinks I am falling out of bed. He also thinks something is in the room and scares the shit out of me. I now just tell him to go back to sleep and he rarely remembers it. He is a jerker in sleep and I have been hit in the face a few times but luckily never bruised. I just move a pillow over his hands or sleep facing away from him. He has now ramped it up snoring so I make him roll on his side a lot! No wonder I am always shattered! Ha

No advice I am afraid but you are not alone. Sometimes when it is bad I sleep in a different room but then he feels bad about disturbing my sleep so I generally just cope!

me4real · 23/03/2021 23:09

He needs to see his GP and follow their advice, and keep going back until the issue is resolved. If he won't do it for himself, he should for you- he's injuring you.

And yes, separate beds if you want to avoid being bruised etc.

Domestic Violence definitely exists and this might be a thing that some abusers claim/do. Either way, it needs to stop.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 23/03/2021 23:41

He also thinks something is in the room and scares the shit out of me
God, I had a BF who did this too, grab me and shake me awake screaming about the man at the end of the bed, who was coming for us. It was bloody terrifying, had separate bedrooms for a while but eventually split for unrelated reasons. I don’t think I could have lived with it tbh.

Gothichouse40 · 24/03/2021 01:19

My partner acts out his dreams in his sleep. He has REM Sleep Disorder. Please get your husband an appointment with your GP and explain what is going on. My partner attends a sleep clinic and is on medication. Apparently as men age, something called Melatonin becomes reduced and this can cause problems. We now sleep in 2 single beds (same bedroom). It's the only way I could get any sleep. Keep a diary of dates and most importantly the times of these incidents. REM Sleep Disorder tends to occur at certain times, if you are able to keep a diary, the pattern of these incidents can help the sleep specialist obtain a diagnosis.

Foofer · 24/03/2021 11:30

I’ve done the same to my husband in the past. I’m a light sleeper though so as soon as I’d made physical contact grabbing him I’d wake up.

It was infrequent, no pattern and weirdly I always thought I was grabbing our son rolling/falling from the bed. We never ever co-slept with him! The subconscious is a weird thing.

If your husband is stopping you sleeping, scaring you and most importantly hurting you a solution needs found though. Unfortunately it may be sleeping separately but you must be safe - you’re pregnant.