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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn’t care that I’m sick - is this a red flag?

38 replies

Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 08:31

I’m currently on second lot of antibiotics for a kidney infection which has gotten quite bad and DH literally hasn’t shown an ounce of concern. He told me to get taxi to the doctors because he’s working (not on a conference call just responding to queries in an inbox) and hasn’t even brought me up a cup of tea, expecting me to get myself something if I want it. Now I usually get on with things when I’m ill but this has really knocked me for six - severe pain in side, shivering and really drained from head to toe and he knows this. He is stepping up with childcare doing the pick ups and drop offs but expected me to still get up and get the dc ready this morning. I’m a little bit gutted and worried that this is a red flag - where has his concern and care gone and what does this mean for us as we get old together, will he be too busy then to help me out if needed? He’s told me to tell him if I want him to do something but is it too much for me to expect him to think for himself that I might need him to get me a cup of tea or check on me at the moment? My mum is pretty similar, she’s of the same stock ‘chin up and get on with it attitude’ but I am feeling slightly sorry for myself seeing as I look after everyone else when they are unwell but do not get the same back. Am I right to be sad?

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Dontforgetyourbrolly · 23/03/2021 08:34

Hes not stepping up with childcare . I've been up since 3am with a bad cold and still got my 7 year old ready and fed him. I'm a single parent no one says I'm stepping up.
He's not very nice is he
Do u want to be married to someone so unkind ?

Umbivalent · 23/03/2021 08:36

Yes, you are right to be sad. Doing pick up and drop off is really the bare minimum. And that's all he's doing?

autumnalrain · 23/03/2021 08:40

While it would be nice for him to take initiative, I think you should just tell him directly if you want something rather than suffer in silence.

Also the term ‘red flag’ relates to the initial signs of getting to know someone and is used to indicate the warning signs of how someone will behaviour in a relationship.

mamas12 · 23/03/2021 08:41

If he’s asked you to tell him when you wantSomething then I would get him to bring you a cuppa sit him down by your bed while your still in it and lay it on the line
You are ill he needs to do x y z and you would really appreciate him stepping up as you are ill And then go to sleep

Newgirls · 23/03/2021 08:46

He prob didn’t see his dad doing ‘caring’ things and doesn’t get it/see it.

You could train him to step up but isn’t that tedious 🤷‍♀️

Cuddling57 · 23/03/2021 08:47

Don't suffer in silence! Tell him.
Also if he is working from home he needs to be working! We are getting annoyed with our staff 'working' from home - but not actually answering phone calls or emails for ages. Ask him to take the day off to look after you.

Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 08:50

This is exactly my point. My mum was a single parent and I understand the struggle. I am not so should be able to really on my partner when I’m not able to carry the load shouldn’t I?

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Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 08:51

His dad passed away when he was young and I do put a lot of his, not knowing how to be a supportive husband down to this but then surely he needs to be the partner he wants to be anyway?

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Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 08:57

Let’s see how he is today. That’s all he did yesterday. DC got a meal from the freezer and he didn’t cook us anything - luckily I’ve lost my appetite but I usually cook (he may cook or get a takeaway once a week) so will also him to cook for everyone tonight and see how that goes down! He works hard and a lot but I am not trying to make that an excuse right now. Everyone is tired but if you are a team, if one of you gets unwell like this then the other picks up as much of the load as they can right?

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Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 08:59

I know what you mean. I would love for him to take a day off to look after me but he’s such a workaholic and he’s off next week for the first week of half term so know he won’t do it unfortunately

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HellonHeels · 23/03/2021 09:01

Kidney infection is one of the worst illnesses I've ever had. The pain is horrific and it makes you feel like death.

He sounds clueless at best. Unkind. And yes, regardless of what a PP said, I would say this is a red flag as an indicator of how much he really cares for you. For the time being tell him what to do ie he needs to pick up all childcare (including time off work if he cant work around it). Tell him you need a cup of tea.

If you're on your second lot of ABs and still very unwell you need to get back urgently to the GP. I was sent to hospital at that point. Get well soon, and when you're well have a think about the marriage and DH.

Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 09:02

Thanks I have been and it always turns into an argument that’s why I wanted to ask you lovely ladies what I should do! I’m frustrated either way - not saying anything or saying something and being made to feel like I’m asking too much!

Re red flag thank you I meant it more like is it a sign of bad things to come that he doesn’t show any care towards me now and what does this really mean for the future of our marriage - in sickness and health and all that! I’m more caring but this makes me want to not be and that’s not good either.

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Timeforabiscuit · 23/03/2021 09:05

My husband was like this, until I mirrored exactly what he did - no slack or shits given.

It helped that we were early 20's when ground rules for reasonable behaviour were established - but you should be really clear how hurt and let down you feel, and if he ever gets sick would he be happy being being treated the same way?

I also talked about the care burden in old age, and it was statistically more likely that I'd out live him and be in better health - so if he didn't step up when I needed it, then why the hell should I when he's infirm and I'm not!

It clicked, he got it, he's fabulous now Grin

Makegoodchoices · 23/03/2021 09:06

Often women force themselves to get up when at death’s door because things ‘need doing’. Men take this as a sign that you are able to be up and about. Stop doing things.

Shoxfordian · 23/03/2021 09:11

He doesn’t seem very supportive or like he’s on your side. Is he usually so uncaring towards you?

Timeforabiscuit · 23/03/2021 09:14

makegoodchoices that's a really good point, it was a real flash point that I was saying I was ill and carrying on as normal - that I couldn't possibly be as ill as I said!

partyatthepalace · 23/03/2021 09:20

It is annoying but he is probably very preoccupied with work - just tell him very clearly what you need in terms of checking in, and be clear he needs to get the kids ready.

As long as he does it when asked, there isn’t a major problem, and he will gradually learn.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 23/03/2021 09:46

@Starlight17, when you say "it always turns into an argument" do you mean when you ask him to be more supportive when you're ill?
I'd feel the same as you. Although it's good that he said to ask if you need anything, I far prefer partners to use their initiative and do things without having to be asked. It shows empathy.

Aria2015 · 23/03/2021 09:47

It's certainly not very caring of him. My dh isn't perfect but he's super caring when I'm unwell (even when it's a self inflicted hangover). I personally find it second nature to want to make things easier on someone who is not feeling well. It's sad that's not the case with your dh. Unfortunately you can't make him more empathetic so my advice for your current situation is just to delegate everything to him. No you should haven't have to 'tell him', but in the absence of him being proactive and doing it, that's what you need to do now to get the rest that you need to get better. Tell him exactly what needs doing and when and then when you're feeling stronger and better, sit down with him and tell him how disappointed you were with his lack of support and care. Hope you feel better soon! Thanks

Diesse · 23/03/2021 09:54

I’m sorry you’re feeling so rum. I think caring behaviour is innate. I spent a long time trying to explain to my husband. It’s just not in him, and he doesn’t respond. In fact I have a horrible feeling now that he is more than indifferent and actually enjoys withholding care. I just want this ghastly time to be over so I can breathe some fresh air and decide what to do. My first husband was incredibly caring and I made a terrible assumption with this one. The benefit of hindsight, eh?

Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 11:04

I like this approach and I didn’t need to do it when we met in our twenties it’s now we are in our thirties and he’s approaching 40 that it feels like he’s decided to focus on everything else except me! We are much busier in our lives now with young children and full time jobs etc but is there any changing him now or is this the grumpy indifferent man I get for the rest of our lives now?!

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Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 11:04

I like this and I hope so

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Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 11:07

Yes he gets defensive even when I try to put the emphasis on how I’m feeling for example ‘I’m feeling really unwell and would appreciate it if you could take the reins more with the kids and house while I recover’ he says he’s doing as much as he can and gets in a huff etc but from some of your replies on here I have said if he cannot cope with this and work he is to explain the situation to his boss and ask for the day off

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Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 11:12

Thank you. His lack of empathy is really evident now and not sure if it’s always been this way and I’ve overlooked it and gone to friends and family for support more in the past but especially in the times we are currently living in I can’t ask a family member to come over and neither should I have to really while he’s home. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years and lockdown has been particularly stressful being around each other a lot as we were pretty much ships in the night before this so I get the frustration but it doesn’t help when I’m unwell and he’s being unsupportive.

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Original poster
Starlight17 · 23/03/2021 11:15

Sorry to hear your going through this also. People are so different when you don’t have stresses and life is easier but testing times shows you what they are really like doesn’t it. I understand what you mean about indifference that’s the vibe I get from him also and I’m sure deliberately withholding care is a sign of manipulation but I’m not an expert

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