DH doesn’t care that I’m sick - is this a red flag?

[Starlight17]

I’m currently on second lot of antibiotics for a kidney infection which has gotten quite bad and DH literally hasn’t shown an ounce of concern. He told me to get taxi to the doctors because he’s working (not on a conference call just responding to queries in an inbox) and hasn’t even brought me up a cup of tea, expecting me to get myself something if I want it. Now I usually get on with things when I’m ill but this has really knocked me for six - severe pain in side, shivering and really drained from head to toe and he knows this. He is stepping up with childcare doing the pick ups and drop offs but expected me to still get up and get the dc ready this morning. I’m a little bit gutted and worried that this is a red flag - where has his concern and care gone and what does this mean for us as we get old together, will he be too busy then to help me out if needed? He’s told me to tell him if I want him to do something but is it too much for me to expect him to think for himself that I might need him to get me a cup of tea or check on me at the moment? My mum is pretty similar, she’s of the same stock ‘chin up and get on with it attitude’ but I am feeling slightly sorry for myself seeing as I look after everyone else when they are unwell but do not get the same back. Am I right to be sad?

Your right and I am stopping now. I should have said I was too poorly to get the kids ready this morning not given hime the excuse to think I must be ok if I can do that

For whatever reasons - lack of natural empathy, no role models growing up as to what caring for someone when they are either emotionally or physically suffering, totally lacking in insight - it seems your DH is unable to be unsupportive when you need to look after yourself and rest. Some people are completely unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and to think how they would feel if no one showed them an ounce of care and expected them to soldier on no matter what.

I was in a marriage like this and now my DD has married someone similar. It’s heartbreaking to see her struggle on without a caring partner who will when necessary put her needs first if she’s ill.

You can’t make your DH something he’s not willing to be in this situation so the question is what to do about it? If it’s a case of needing to be told what is needed and then him doing it with good grace then that’s fair enough. If he is just totally uncaring then that’s another thing.

You mention his dad passed away when he way young - I really struggle to 'deal' with sick people because it brings up a lot of bad memories about my parents being seriously ill & hospitalised when I was a child/teen. This is something I'm now able to be open and up front about with friends/partners, but I probably came across as cold and uncaring previously.

Sorry for you and your DD it must be hard as a mum to hear this - I know my mum doesn’t particularily like this side of DH and she struggled on her own so didn’t expect me to when I married! I think I will go with telling him what’s needed, as frustrating as it is, at least I will get the rest I need to get better. I don’t know if it’s he’s totally uncaring but I do think he struggles to put himself in others shoes and truly believes he pushes through things on his own (although he is pretty typical when sick himself, feeling sorry for himself and needing to be looked after, which I am empathetic with as I know what it’s like!) I agree with treating others how you want to be treated so if after I tell him what I need him to do and he doesn’t show any signs of doing it, then I will stop being caring towards him and see how he likes it (although it is hard as it’s not in my nature). Thing is we are have young children watching our relationship, so to see mum have to tell dad what needs done all the time, I worry that this behaviour and expectation in relationships might rub off on them?

Thank you for sharing this. It makes sense if you’ve gone through trauma like you did watching people you care about being sick and in hospital but DH was too small even to remember him and it was a sudden passing

Mine has been like this. I always got up with baby every couple of hours at nights even when sick, he did almost nothing. I got more and more resentful, then I had gastro and still did most parenting. I remember it very clearly, he did take dc1 to nursery but I had the baby all day, collected dc1, and he came home a bit late because he had caught up on the work time he missed that morning and had a huff at me when I was upset. Then he caught it.. and went to bed for 3 days solid. The hypocrisy of it did me in, and I told him there’s no way I’m sticking around to look after him in old age, as far as I’m concerned he has completely broken his wedding vows, he said in sickness and in health, not in health but if you’re sick I’m going to fuck off on both you and the kids and look after me, so if he didn’t start acting like someone I might like to retire with, and keeping those vows he made, he could fuck right off. And now rather than later as I’d be an idiot to hang around until 60 when if I still have plenty of time to meet someone who gives a shit when I’m ill.
It finally got through to him, and now when I’m unwell I go straight to bed guilt free and don’t get up until I feel able. He’s a lovely man, he loves me and our friends all think he’s amazing and so hands on, but this was a total dealbreaker if he couldn’t change. Tell yours op.

I totally agree and glad you got him to see sense!

Just as an update we’ve had a better day today. After our chat this morning based on a lot of your comments, DH has done a lot more for me and the children today - school run, cooked dinner and is currently doing bath and bed and has agreed to take a day off if needed as he has struggled wfh and doing everything (although I do this daily but that’s another thread!) He has had a face like a slapped bum all day and is saying he needs to work later to catch up but I don’t care atm as I need to get better. I actually told him I don’t need to hear him complaining about working late to catch up, as I’m concentrating on getting well at the moment and do not need the negativity! Proud of myself :)

He needs to remember that in sickness and in health are part of traditional wedding vows. I wouldn’t trust this man to grow old with

Yes it does worry me. This isn’t even a serious illness so could you imagine if it was? I’ve got a lot to think about when I get better

I'm really worried you've married my exH. Seriously. Not giving a shit about me when I was seriously ill, moving out for a few days to his mother's because I was 'boring' not checking if I had any food in the house (there wasn't) or even if I could stand long enough to cook ( I couldn't) or if I had any painkillers or other (we didn't)

Then the icing in the cake, when he returned and I bollocked him, he proceeded to tell me It was my fault for not telling him I needed anything,( despite being almost delerious with fever) and then proceeded to argue with me for 3 hours despite me be incredibly unwell still.

He was, and always will be a selfish, horrible little man who never gave a second thought to anyone but himself. This was one of those moments that really added to the reasons I eventually kicked him out, the bastard.

On a serious note, does his surname start with a K, and he's into gaming OP?

Wow that’s awful I’m so glad you kicked him out and if DH didn’t do anything to help me today I would have been approaching this differently. I guess I have to give him the benefit of the doubt at the moment but can also see it could become a big issue down the line. His surname doesn’t start with K and he’s not into gaming so I don’t think it’s him but so sad that there a quite a few men out there like this

Yep I had one of those and I think it's a big indicator of future behaviour.

Mine withdrew completely when I was pregnant, wouldn't talk about it or make any plans. Stood by and watched me give birth without any pain relief because of various mistakes at the hospital
whilst he flirted with the staff. Thought it was a funny story to tell everyone when we came home.

Decided he had a meeting to go to day I came out of hospital ( less than 24 hours after giving birth) so left me to it and decided to finish tiling the bathroom for the rest of the week. Never occurred to him to bring me a drink or any food. The health visitor had to tell him to step up.

I picked up a stomach bug from hospital and had to just carry on regardless despite constantly throwing up. He went to a sports dinner. When he caught it put himself to bed in peace until he recovered.

Went on a sports tour abroad when our daughter was a few weeks old.

I think that was when the love died for me, when I was so vulnerable and he wiped his feet on me. He completely abandoned me when I needed him.

He however, used me to drive him hundreds of miles to court when heavily pregnant as he was facing a driving ban for mutiple speeding offences and could have lost his job. Booked himself in to have a private operation for a sports injury when I was 8 months pregnant and expected me to drive him to and pick him up from the appointments and physio.

And the reason he got away with that behaviour because we were surrounded by people who couldn't see anything wrong with it. My own family backed him up and made me feel guilty for even questioning his selfishness. He had this nice guy persona to the rest of the world.

If you are wondering about your DHs lack of care, you are probably right to have doubts about your relationship. Mine never improved. Getting rid was the best thing I ever did.