Broken engagement

[loveloss]

On Thursday my fiancé (37M) of 4.5 years broke up with me out the blue.
Long story short he didn't feel the same anymore. There was no huge argument no nothing just a simple calm conversation of him telling me he doesn't love me anymore and that he's sorry.

I'm 27 and now living back at my parents and feel completely distraught about the whole thing, I feel lost, broken and I can't stop crying.

has anyone else ever been though something like this that can give me advice on how to get through it? I have a really supportive family but it still hurts incredibly.
I also told him to never contact me as I still love him so only I would be getting hurt.

Also thinking I should I block him incase he tries to contact me later down the line? Not sure if this would happen but it will save me heartache.

I would just like some advice on how to get through this please as I feel horrific

Oh no, I'm so sorry. I'm engaged myself, I can imagine how you feel. It must be such a shock, such a big thing to assimilate when you thought your life was going to be a certain way...

I don't think anyone can take the pain away really. Keeping busy will help. Just letting time pass. Don't become paranoid or lose confidence in yourself because we all have the right to build our lives in a way that suits us, which is what he's doing. It doesn't mean life with you is wrong, just that it's not right for him. Life with you will be perfect for someone else. So don't go down with that way of thinking.

It's a shock and a hurt. Minister to the hurt by living quietly for a while, the shock you'll get used to. Only time will help I'm afraid.

When you can, maybe not yet, start thinking about your own life and direction. But not yet xxxx

V sorry, that’s v sad. Think you’re right that no contact with your ex is best.

There are useful no contact threads on MN. Also suggest, after the first week or two has passed, vlogs/online tips on recovering from a breakup.

When I was 27 my boyfriend that I lived with and had been with for 3.5 years did this to me. It was the worst feeling in the world. How I coped was to accept it very fast and made my own plans and got on with life. I moved overseas and started fresh. 15 years later I am married with a child. It really hurts but just move on as fast as you can. It took me a couple years to really get past it but just push through if you can.

Thanks for the replies ladies I will look on MN to see the no contact threads.

You poor thing. You must be reeling from shock if this came absolutely out of the blue. You won't be in the right headspace to hear this now and you should do absolutely all the rage and sadness you want, obviously but it's better that this happened now, both before you married and while you are still very young. You have loads of time to be angry and sad, to heal and get past it, to shag all round you and have fun, to enjoy being free and single, and/or to meet someone far more fabulous.

Absolutely block him. He's part of your past. He's elected to make himself part of your past. And my theory is that nature starts reminding you after a surprisingly short while of all the things you weren't that keen on about him, and the compromises you made to be in that relationship. Just hold on for that part, and do whatever makes you feel better till you get there.

I really feel for you. Back when I was the same age as you, my then fiancé did the same. Totally out of the blue! My heart shattered. I remember the pain of him turning cold and nothing I said or did could get through to him. I think we lived together for maybe 2 awful weeks (thankfully in rented, so quick to get out of a toxic situation). 1 weekend when I knew he’d be out, 2 of my lovely friends helped me pack up everything I owned and I left my key and engagement ring on the dining table before walking out. I moved in with 1 of those lovely friends and she really was my rock, as I couldn’t eat/sleep etc. I remember waking up every morning and for 20 seconds everything was fine and then suddenly I remembered and the heartache came flooding back.

About 2 months after the breakup, I took on a new busy, exciting work project in another part of the country (good timing) and moved away for 3 months. I stayed in contact with my ex through that time, although he unfriended me on fb, as he didn’t like all of the fun photos from nights out etc, some with other male friends etc 😂

Anyway, the crux of the issue is that he asked to visit me at my new place and somehow, we just ended up back together. He had clearly realised pretty quickly that the grass is not greener. Maybe going from our lovely rented flat to a grotty house share was the main eye opener for him.

Such a big mistake on my part!!! I should have stayed where I was, but pride took over and I actually felt happy that he wanted me again and we were reconciled. Friends all seemed happy (with hindsight, I bloody well wish just 1 of them had held a mirror up and reminded me what I’d been through with the break up though).

10 years later, we’ve got an unhappy marriage and I really wish I could turn back time! I shouldn’t have reconciled with him.

So, please don’t be me. Grieve the end of the relationship, grasp hold the delights of Spring and walking and hopefully the end of lockdown. You’re on an upwards path. Enjoy time with your family (I think that’s where I went wrong in that I didn’t have a family to comfort or advise me at that time). I hope you find peace and fun very soon x

This happened to me when I was 22/23 . Two marriages and many lovers later it really is a distant memory . I do recall the pathetic attempts I made to try to keep him . Just don't do it . With that age gap as well you have a lifetime ahead of you . It will get better . I saw a pic of him recently - OMG he looks horrific .

Be prepared for a "new" girlfriend to pop up soon.

But they were just friends and nothing happened when you were together.

You're best off without him, 😌

Yes, that happened to me in my early 20s, then DP had a ‘friend’ and ‘mentionitis’ and did the ‘love you but not IN love’ script.

I initially, for some months, hoped for a scenario like the PP - that my ex would ‘see the light’ and turn up at my door one day.

No MN back then - sadly! Much needed MN back then. But I had a savvy friend. She pointed out that: he’d hurt me so was a ‘poor bet’ for the long term; he could well have a new love interest, eg the ‘friend’ he’d mentioned (if hadn’t already been cheating); and that I’d likely find it difficult to feel secure with him again. So I took her advice, avoided all contact and luckily he didn’t initiate it either.

He initiated contact 2 years later and we met up. I’d been dating a nasty piece of work!

He’d indeed been dating the ‘friend’ from ‘v soon after our breakup’ and told me that when it got serious had got cold feet and dumped her. Was distant and cordial conversation, superficial, and after one drink we said goodbye and did the London kiss on both cheeks thing: for me it felt like kissing wood! All attraction and feelings had gone.

Soon after, he got back together with his ex and they later married and had three DC.

As a PP said, there's probably another woman somewhere.

Block him on your phone and your social media.
Tell yourself you were not right for each other.

You won't get any closure, so don't waste time and energy looking for any. He's shown you who he is.

So sorry you are going through this.
You are probably feeling completely floored, and it will hurt for some time, but eventually you will feel fine.

Thank you for all the lovely messages. Because it's sooo fresh it's still so so painful and having to move out of his house back into my parents house is soul destroying.

I also checked his phone and he hasn't been speaking to anyone at all. He even let me look and also he always used to leave his phone laying around so I would see messages etc and it was just work related.

I genuinely think he's just fallen out of love with me and it's a bitter pill to swallow because I was soo deeply in love with him. I don't know what went wrong at all.

But I've now deleted him on everything and i will try and move past all of this. I hope I don't feel like this for long because I physically feel ill every day. Even the thought of another women being there in a few months time breaks my heart

Even the thought of another women being there in a few months time breaks my heart.

And this will happen (99% sure it already has as PP have said “new” GF will be introduced in next few months - likely he has another phone - or is communicating thru a hidden app on his phone)

Prepare for the worst. Look away. Zero contact - no info about him from friends or SM. That’s how you heal - each exposure just opens the wound and drops you back like snakes and ladders.

Look to friends and activities to distract you. But also allow yourself to go through the phases of grief when they arise - respect that it takes time - and feeling the hurt is therapeutic.

Be self compassionate - this is a major life blow - it will be traumatising. Maybe seek some professional support for a couple of months.

What was his RS history?

The age gap interests me - some men go for younger women because women his age want commitment and they don’t want to commit.

Have you had a long engagement? How close to wedding dates were you?

What other commitments did you have together? Did you own or rent a property jointly - or was it his?

Yes, zero contact - including social media - will help ‘shield’ you from further hurt.

He probably had a different phone or sim card if there was another woman.

There might not be another woman, but there usually is.

I genuinely think he's just fallen out of love with me
Probably not true.

I was soo deeply in love with him.
You were deeply in love with who you thought he was.

I don't know what went wrong at all.
You won't. Your best bet is to keep busy, and try not to think about it, which is very hard to do. If you can make up your own story of what went wrong and focus on that, it might help.

The only way out of this is through it x

Spring will come and pass, summer will come and pass...autumn...winter...seasons passing is very cathartic through heartbreak; lean into them.
It is not just time but the building of new memories in that time that will release you.

No more contact now. You both have lives to create outside of each other Xxx

And maybe re read this bit in a few months' time but:
He was honest with you. It was brutal and probably hurt like hell....but goodness me he was brave enough to be honest and set you free.

Sorry to read this OP, did lockdown perhaps add strain etc there could be many reasons but you did the right thing in stopping all contact. 🌺

OP, you’ll get through this. It doesn’t feel like it now I know!

My approach is always 100% no contact, delete everything in terms of photos and messages, block everywhere, chuck mementos or give to someone for safekeeping. Act as if he doesn’t exist. Change his name in your phone to ‘knobhead’ if you have to remain in touch for a bit due to bills or whatever.

You have to excise him from your life and live like he doesn’t exist physically and your emotions will catch up far more quickly than if you allow yourself to ‘wallow’, look over old messages and pictures and torture yourself. I’ve been known to be dumped and have blocked and deleted everything by the time he’s got back to his! It’s really the swiftest way. Not to swallow your emotions, allow yourself to cry as much as you need to and talk it over, samaritans can help with that if you don’t want to go over it with friends or family.

The more decisive you are here the faster you will heal. He was honest with you, and he has every right to move on separately as much as it hurts, just like you would with someone: doesn’t make it less painful but sadly that’s how it goes and billions of people have faced heartbreak and moved onto happy lives. You have this within you and you’re not alone!

Ignore all of the nonsense about how he probably has another woman, none of us can know that, and you’ll drive yourself mad wondering when it doesn’t change anything for you. He doesn’t want to be with you anymore and that’s all that matters. Plenty of people leave relationships without someone else involved, we just realise it isn’t going to work in the long run for whatever reason and have to walk away. I highly advise not allowing yourself to snoop on his profiles, you’re just reopening the wound.

I know we’re in a lockdown but how are things practically for you at the moment? If you can take up a new hobby or revisit an existing one that would be great, have a zoom date with friends, try go for a walk every day with headphones and a podcast, whatever you can to make plans for the future. The more active you are the more you will be flooded with endorphins and feel good emotions from close social contact, that’ll help you heal the wound that’s been left from someone you love pulling away so suddenly. You got this! ❤️

@loveloss, apologies if I seemed harsh. He has checked out of the relationship and does not want to spend the rest of his life with you. At least he has had the decency to tell you.

It's not a reflection on you, or on anything you did or didn't do.

Be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve the relationship and the future you thought was certain.

Put away all things that remind you of him. Block his phone number and stay off social media.

Give yourself a timescale - rough guide is 1 month for every year of the relationship - for how long you are likely to hurt.

If you can, plan a holiday or something that will take you away from things that remind you of him.

You will one day meet someone much better suited to you. You are only 27, you have your life ahead of you.

This happened to me when I was around 24, we'd been together for 6 years and due to get married the following year. I ended up being signed off work and was suicidal and unable to function and had to move out of our apartment into my parents' house which was so stressful and seemed like a huge step back in life.

5ish years on I look back and THANK GOD it happened tbh. In retrospect my ex was lowkey (but ramping up) abusive with a lot of issues, and we had been drifting apart a bit anyway (he had a lot of annoying habits and we didn't have a ton in common anymore, but I was deep in the sunken cost fallacy). After we broke up he had a "rebound" relationship with someone nine years younger than him, who cheated on him (all his friends took her side and he ended up with nobody) and he got fired from two jobs and had his car repossessed and ended up having to move home to his family who he hated. These developments brought me great joy

At the time I thought my life was essentialy over and I couldn't imagine finding anyone again, but I'm currently sitting in the nice house I bought this year with the love of my life who is a 100000% better match for me and treats me impeccably.

I know firsthand how awful it is OP I can only recommened taking it a day at a time, I must have read a hundred books during my time signed off work because I just needed to do ANYTHING to distract me. I would recommend blocking him too, I foolishly stayed in touch with my ex for a while hoping everything would work out but he was very cold and rude and I regret trying. And fwiw it's EXTREMELY likely you actually did nothing wrong at all and nothing you could have done would change it so try not to obsess over that.

@loveloss sorry to hear this. Make sure you take care of yourself and do things that put a smile of your face. Life is cruel sometimes. Unfortunately it’s likely a new girl will come on the scene just as you are getting through your struggle so try and distance yourself from him and his life as much as possible. Otherwise will set you back when your just getting over the hill

As others have said there's no way you would want to marry someone if they have any doubts about you. Be relived he's done this now and not when you were already married. DO NOT GET BACK WITH HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Block. Block. Block.

If you love someone and are ready for marriage, there's no way they would do what he did. His doubts would not have gone away. If he comes back it's because he's panicked there's nothing "better" out there (i.e. you're a safe back up option which is better than nothing) or someone he's already interested in or was cheating with hasn't worked out. None of these bode well for a happy marriage where he's emotionally/physically faithful and fully invested in you. This is the very easiest point of the relationship. If he has bailed now, there's absolutely no way he would handle the lifetime commitment of marriage and you deserve so much better

Also you say you've been together for a long time (at least 4.5 years). From experience, unless both of you are very young, a guy who's committed and sure of a relationship doesn't take that long to propose to/ marry the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. That was another warning sign that he wasn't fully sure of committing to you and you've had a lucky escape.

As another person said, the age gap is also interesting. A lot of men like him go for much younger women because they never intended to commit to a woman in the first place (easier to delay talks about commitment if the woman is younger) and younger women are generally easier to influence and control.

I don't know why PP's are saying there must be someone else. How does that help the OP? And can men not decide they don't want to be in a relationship anymore and want to move on ? Horrible for you though OP

I am so sorry op. You are probably right, he has just fallen out of love with you. It does happen. My partner had the same thing happen with his ex, he stopped loving her and realised one night. They split up because of it although she still loved him.

It sucks, but it happens. You will get through it and find someone new. Have faith in that.