I don't know if I love my husband any more

[castle1979]

Just that really.. it hasn't been easy for many, many different reasons but I feel like I am just at the end of my tether. I don't enjoy being with him any more. We have a child together. I feel so alone and unsupported, and then I feel angry because of that. I just don't know what to do.

Counselling is expensive (one of the reasons is his inability to control his spending - so we are usually skint) and I am unsure if he would actually come out and say anything useful. He has not been keen on it when I have suggested it before so I just don't know how far I'd get with it. When I have tried to speak to him before he just clams up and doesn't answer properly, claiming to not remember things etc. He also feels awkward and then does an awkward smile and laughs the whole time which just winds me up more.

I feel so bloody unhappy and deflated. However, it is so much to lose.

Trying not to say too much to out myself as he knows I am on here.

Are there any success stories? Advice you could give me?

I'm sorry you are going through this, I can relate and it can feel very scary and overwhelming.

Have you tried speaking to him about the relationship? Is he happy but you aren't?

I'm not sure if this helps but my advice would be to take one thing at the time. When I started considering my divorce, I would panic and not know what to do, cry a lot and feel totally lost. Now that it is nearly done, I feel so much more at peace with the decision.

Consider your options, think about them and plan, not worrying yet about whether it might or might not happen. It might give you some more clarity about what you want to do? x

Oh that's really difficult for you. In what way is his spending causing a problem? Do you have shared accounts?

How old is your dc? Has he always been bad with money?

Thanks for replying all. My dc is 3. His spending has been a problem for a very long time. It didn't affect me until we had a child and suddenly I'm at home and he's in charge of everything and he can't stop himself. He's had to consolidate several times. We sold up and moved hours away, paid everything off, and he did it again. I have told him if he ever gets us in debt like that ever again that I will be gone. He has a condition which means his impulse control is terrible. We have only recently found out about this condition and in one way it explains a lot, but also makes me feel like I am being awful by needing him to be more in control of it. There are other things apart from his spending that have made the last few years difficult but it is a big cause of anxiety for me. I am at work again, part time and her childcare is funded so thankfully I do not need to ask for money, nor do I need to worry about paying for childcare for her at the moment.

I say needing. I mean expecting him to be in control of it. It is very difficult for me to not feel let down. By the money thing, and the other ways he has also let me down. When we had dc I had the usual baby blues and then that turned into PND. He just bailed - stayed at work. Avoided me. Didn't do anything overnight. I would sit and tell him in the night after being woken up every hour (she was refluxy) that I couldn't do it any more and I didn't want to be here and he would just roll over and carry on snoring. I find it hard to forgive him for it.

Does his lack of impulse control mean he has flings with other women?

It sounds as though you could do with talking this through with someone. You should be able to access free counselling via your GP, but I don't know whether there's a waiting list. At my GP you can do that via their website; you don't need to arrange it directly with the GP.

At the very least you need separate accounts, where you take control of the money and he has a limited amount to spend. The problem is that if he starts to order credit cards etc then you're completely stuck. I think I'd separate myself financially from him if not physically. The older I get the more important I think money is.

No not with women (or at least as far as I know). Just buying stuff all the time, financing stuff, booking holidays etc.

We do have separate accounts. He earns 3x what I do. He pays all the bills including his consolidated debt from there. My money is mine (although working part time I don't earn much, of course). He has said I could take control of everything financial before but I feel like I'd be like his mum, and I feel so overwhelmed with everything I already have to do (work, childcare, cooking, cleaning, bath, bed time, lunchboxes, washing. And find time to exercise somewhere in that) that I just feel it all falls on to me, and all he has to do is work.

I’d prolly take over the finances, to be honest. Of course you shouldn’t have to, of course you should be able to expect some teamwork and support and an end to the spending and lying.

But given that if you leave him you’ll be stuck with managing everything anyway, it might be worth a try. Once you don’t have to worry about him haemorrhaging money, you might be able to take a breath and see things more clearly? Set up the right automatic deductions from his pay as soon as it hits the account. Limit his access and cut up any credit cards.

True. I just don't know if I can deal with all this stress of being manager of absolutely everything for everyone. Whenever I've suggested things we could do to save up or change things he argues with me. It's exhausting.

I am just trying so hard with everything and there is no backup. I just feel that if I did actually go alone, I would be in complete control of everything but it would be simpler as I wouldn't have to manage all of his debt/finance etc. I can't be resentful and disappointed if he doesn't get up in the morning to help with dc before drop off if it is just up to me. I wouldn't be made to feel bad about the way I parent

I think you already know you can't do this any more. And you're not afraid of being alone: in fact you've just said you'd be in complete control, you wouldn't have to manage him, and you wouldn't be resentful and disappointed all the time.
That tells you all you need to know.
You've tried and tried. You say you're exhausted.
Is it any wonder?? You must be on your last nerve! I think you need to end this for your own sanity.

I just feel so sad that this is what it's come to. I feel like I brought this on myself. I loved how adventurous he was, I was always a bit anxious and I felt like I was more willing to try new things and have more fun with him. Totally backfired on me when dc came along. I should have seen it. I should have thought about it properly and realised it wasn't a good idea to marry and have a child with someone like that.

It's probably my fault for expecting more from him. But I really did think he loved me and we would make a great team. It's just when dc came along and things weren't 'fun' any more the team part wasn't there at all. It was just me, being boring and responsible for everyone.

It sounds brutal but to be honest I would absolutely take control of the finances right now, that way if you do split you know exactly what money there is and you will have the opportunity to take your half if you need to move quickly.

Take control of the finances but hand something back to him.

I think you will probably end up leaving but this is a chance to get yourself into a decent financial position first.

Good luck

Thank you all for replying. I know you're all probably right.

Trying to take control of the finances on top will probably break you as a couple faster - whatever he says, he won't like being accountable and it'll drive you bonkers when he doesn't stick to things.

I agree with taking control of the finances now, yes it’s another thing to do, but it is less worry about him spending it all, and most importantly you will have all the information for when you divorce. Staying long term is not an option, he won’t change (unless for the worse) and imagine being in your current miserable situation in 5/10/15 years.

You're right. He will argue and justify with me. He buys to make himself temporarily happy. I should have seen it before and realised.

Yes only take control of the finances if you are planning to leave. That way he won't be able to hide earnings or savings (if he has any).

Tbh op, you say that money is a huge source of stress in your relationship which I understand, but if that were not the case, he doesn't sound like he would ever be a good husband anyway. He sounds totally immature and selfish. Of course his behaviour should have changed once he became a parent. You say there is a lot to lose if you divorce him, but I am struggling to see his good points. Why remain chained to this man when he dies nothing to support you and causes you money worries on top?

[ Why are there so many of these manchildren about? I really feel angry on your behalf about him turning over and going back to sleep when you had PND. Honestly, more and more I think that a woman's experience of motherhood is massive influenced by how supportive their partner is or not. No wonder you were profoundly depressed!]

Take over the finances. Start saving your escape fund. Even if you don't use it. I have BPD (sounds like this is his condition or similar) and I'm a bit shit with money sometimes but the condition is not an excuse, he still has to be a responsible adult especially as he has you and a child and he should be working hard to achieve that.

He 100% has absolutely no savings. He couldn't save to.. save his life actually. He claims that he, too, was depressed when I had PND which is why he just didn't come home and left me alone with a newborn all day and evening with no support. I'm sure that was possible, but he had the choice to just disappear and not get involved. He'd lived on his own since about 18 and I thought ah he obviously can manage a home and adult properly. Turns out that isn't true.

BPD was one of the things I thought he had, I remember googling it. He definitely has traits of it but it isn't BPD. You're right, it isn't an excuse, and he does acknowledge that - but there's also no real change. He started medication which made things a whole lot worse for a while, I even had to leave for a bit because it was just horrible living with him. He's evened out a bit more now but he still never gets up in the morning to help, or do most things for dc without me having to ask him. He does buy all the food shopping (except one a month that I buy) and sometimes picks it up. So he does help with planning meals but never actually cooking them. He doesn't come downstairs until about 5:30-6 every day, and often goes back upstairs to do more work (he's wfh at the moment) so while he is at home more, he works way more than he did before. So it does feel like I do most things alone.

He claims that he, too, was depressed when I had PND which is why he just didn't come home and left me alone with a newborn all day and evening with no support

What is his excuse now though when your DC is 3? ? Is he stepping up to do baths and read stories at night? Does he help cook or clean the house at weekends? Or take your DC out so you can have a break?

X posts with you op. I see he doesn't come down until the evening which sounds very hard.

He does occasionally bath with dc. He has nothing to do with bedtime bar the occasional story if dc asks - he doesn't like the way that I do it - I didn't want to sleep train (I couldn't cope with crying) and so he just left me to do all bedtimes.
He cooks maybe once every 3 months, that might actually be a bit generous. He does clean the house - it's one of my irritations actually, before dc came along he did absolutely fuck all and suddenly he's decided he's the cleanest most tidiest person ever and will complain about the house being messy.