I don't know if I love my husband any more

[castle1979]

Just that really.. it hasn't been easy for many, many different reasons but I feel like I am just at the end of my tether. I don't enjoy being with him any more. We have a child together. I feel so alone and unsupported, and then I feel angry because of that. I just don't know what to do.

Counselling is expensive (one of the reasons is his inability to control his spending - so we are usually skint) and I am unsure if he would actually come out and say anything useful. He has not been keen on it when I have suggested it before so I just don't know how far I'd get with it. When I have tried to speak to him before he just clams up and doesn't answer properly, claiming to not remember things etc. He also feels awkward and then does an awkward smile and laughs the whole time which just winds me up more.

I feel so bloody unhappy and deflated. However, it is so much to lose.

Trying not to say too much to out myself as he knows I am on here.

Are there any success stories? Advice you could give me?

I do clean the house, it's just difficult with a 3yo and pets and work and general trying to get everything done. It might have toys out but it's always clean. Just not showroom clean.

Honest cut your losses and go.

The fact you list him paying for most of the food shopping and doing that as a plus point is shocking.

You sound miserable and there doesn't seem like there is any hope he will change.

People who won't communicate like my ex husband soon kill a relationship. If you want to divorce him you can start the process online. My divorce cost nothing because everything was agreed. It still got nasty but I let him divorce me because that bit cost £800, I didn't care what his reasons were - they were pretty nasty - I just rose above it. Counter petitions cost money. The judge ignored it anyway, still didn't award him any money.I gave him 10k to get rid of him. quickly.
He is regretting it now, he had a pretty cushy life with me.

Wow - he just rolled over and carried on snoring? Doesn't help at all? Paying, but not even collecting or cooking the food is a plus?

You say you have a lot to lose - what exactly are you afraid of losing?

I think you'd be relieved being on your own, as you currently receive no support from him as it is, and have to deal with all his crap. You are young enough to start again with someone new eventually.

Don't waste your precious life with this absent partner. You deserve better.

It does sound bad when you say it like that. I mean he's not all bad and he does love me and dc. I just don't think he realises the impact of his behaviour. I just wish he would fucking put in more effort and stop spending.

It's very easy to love someone when that doesn't require any effort.

I had some sympathy for his spending problems on first read, but every further post you've made put me firmly in the "he's a useless lazy cunt" camp.

He's just really not making any effort, is he? And can't even be bothered to talk about it.

I see a bright future for you and your DC ahead, OP. As you acknowledged, just not having the enormous irritant of an extra adult child to manage will be a massive relief.

One thing to note: I'd go via CMS to get his maintenance taken direct from his salary. Given his history of erratic spending, there's no fucking way he's going to manage to pay every month.

Take over the finances now and use the next couple of months to get a full picture of where you stand - house value (if you own), his pension pot, his annual salary, any investments (sounds unlikely but you never know) etc. Get a solicitors appointment, take all of that info with you, find out exactly where you stand and what a divorce would look like for you and the DC, and for him. Do all this in the background before telling him you're leaving.

I absolutely don't blame you for not wanting to give him any more chances, even with the possible diagnosis. He absolutely does not deserve one. I would be D.O.N.E. and you sound it too.

I definitely would do that. I was the one with a deposit for a house - I had my own house before. He would never have got a mortgage on his own. He was happy to sign a declaration of trust when we bought however the solicitor I saw about it said that when we married it wouldn't carry much weight so I didn't spend the ££ on it.
However in previous discussions he has said that of course if we ever did split up, I would get my money back as he would want to provide for us.

Which is nice, but to be honest I'd rather he just got stuck in and was more involved than just paying for stuff. He complains he doesn't get to spend more time with dc and gets upset when I am the preferred parent but when I said but I do everything for her so of course I am - it doesn't make much of an impact. He says oh I'm just here to pay for things. Which is so not how I view it. I'd much rather he actually got involved with the day to day stuff, actually got up in the morning. At the weekend he is slightly more present - he may take her out to the park or the shop so I'll get a little bit of time to myself. But it's not much!

Sorry I actually meant £££ because it was hundreds they wanted for a declaration of trust.

How would you feel about a trail separation? Where he had DD EOW Friday to Monday so he had to step up and cate for her?

You could do it another way where by he has to certain nursery pick ups and drop offs and every weekend you go away for a whole day and alternately a whole weekend - Friday from work to Sunday after she goes to bed? As lock down ends this is now possible.

He would have to step up and that would improve their bond and give you a break. I would actually frame it as an opportunity for him to save the marriage as you have had ENOUGH of carrying him and the resentment is killing your love for him?

If he refuses then its marriage over anyway??

I would take control of the finances and swap it for laundry chores - he can do ALL the washing, drying & putting away. I recommend anything delicate of your own you keep out the main laundry basket though.

If it helps at all, I manage all the finances for our family. My o/h earns a very good wage. I don’t work. He literally has his money in his account every week for fuel etc and the rest is in the joint and accounted for.
He has no idea what anything costs - no idea of how much our electric/rates/water costs and that suits him.
I also buy presents for the family/arrange holidays/run the house etc.
He has no interest in doing any of that.

I don’t mind it tbh, I spend what I like, I save what I like, I book the holidays etc - he literally looks at me the night before we go and says what do I need to pack and where are we going again?....... oh and I have to buy his clothes too as he never does that either.

I know I am stating the bleeding obvious !
Saying this

Do you think you feel this Way ?

Cause of the full on intense Claustropic /being together almost 24 /7 being stuck with other in a like in a Gov imposed/like Co dependency relantship existence of a life

Which is Lockdowns can at times feel like !

I am not saying you are in a abusive toxic Co dependency relantship at All !

Nobody is going to be perfect. Try and think about the things that are good, that you would miss and balance those against what you might find elsewhere.

I know nobody is perfect. I'm certainly not. But it just feels hugely uneven. I'm not fun anymore because I have so much on my plate. I think I'll have to say I'll take over the finances even though I am absolutely dreading it.

I'm not sure a trial separation would work as I don't live near anybody so I don't actually have anywhere else to go

How about going away for long weekends without DD and ensuring that he is allocated certain tasks that are his responsibility- seriously you step back and allow him to fail and find his own feet with them?

You ought to tell him just how at the end of your tolerance you are because he isn't doing his share.

I will definitely tell him. He knows something is wrong as I just can't hide how unhappy I am. But he sits in his office all day so it's only the evenings I see him.