Awful sex experience with dh that triggered rape flashback

[Idontknowwhatjusthappened]

I’m not sure how to process what happened last night. I can’t talk to anyone about this in real life (and I’ve name changed here for privacy)

I initiated sex last night, but then had to abandon it because I had to settle one of the dc. Dh was tired and went to sleep, telling me to wake him up, when the dc were asleep.

So I tucked dc up, and then went back to bed and after a while drifted off myself. I woke up to dh touching me.

Normally this wouldn’t be a man issue. I know it would be an absolute no, for others, but we’ve often had “sleepy sex”.

The thing is that I was too tired, and wasn’t really up for it at that point. And I’m not really clear about what happened next. I don’t think I was awake enough to say that, I don’t know if I was indicating that I didn’t want to. He kept going. And I froze. By now I was awake but in a weird headspace where I couldn’t react and was completely afraid of him.

It was like replaying being raped as a teen. I was afraid to say no. I’m not able to describe it properly at all because it sounds all calm and rational. But I wasn’t making decisions at the time. I couldn’t. It just happened.

And it’s really fucked up. Because if I had said no to dh he would have stopped.

At least I think he would have. But last night I felt like he wouldn’t. So it felt absolutely like a rape to me.

A couple of times I’ve had to stop, when sex with him has triggered a flashback and he’s always been decent and understanding. But last night I wasn’t able to communicate it; I was locked in.

It has shook me up badly and I don’t know what to think, how to understand what happened, and how to even be around him.

It's difficult to know what to think reading your post, but I really sympathise. Due to the fact he's been understanding about it all in the past, normally I'd be inclined to say this was a misunderstanding based on the fact you've often had sleepy sex in the past which was I assume ok with you? However, I can't imagine, given the fact you felt frozen, that you were giving off the normal signals or facial expression you usually would, even during 'sleepy sex'. Surely you would have seemed quieter than usual. I can't imagine you were smiling or looking at him with any pleasure......yet he didn't notice this????

Hi OP. First off, I'm so sorry this happened to you last night and for what happened to you as a teen.

I know what you mean about the "sleepy sex" thing... my partner and I often do that and it's never a problem. I also know if I said "no I'm not up for it" he would stop.

Have you spoken to your DH about it? I think this might be an important first step.

It was clearly a very triggering experience for you and I'm sorry

@EarthSight I think that’s the part that I can’t get my head around. He didn’t notice? He didn’t care?

Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, but another part is saying wtf?

I know most of the problem was on my side. I just don’t know what to think.

I think this is a really tricky one but I think primarily it’s important to talk to your DH

I’m so sorry OP, both for what happened to you when younger and the experience you’ve just had.

I also had the same thing done to me as a teen, and have to be really careful when I have sex with DP. Like your DP, mine would stop instantly if I said no, but I have to make sure I am able to say so.

It’s such a difficult trauma to live with. I had a similar sleepy sex experience that made me feel very odd for a while.

Did you ever have counselling or support about what happened when you were younger? I began in my late twenties, over a decade after what was done to me, but am finding it hugely helpful. Sending you love

I do think there's a difference between sleepy sex and sex where the woman is entirely unresponsive. I can't imagine DH carrying on if I wasn't making any indication that I was enjoying it.

So if you weren't able to say no, how were you able to say yes? What basis did he have to believe you were giving legally valid consent, rather than simply unable to stop him?

Consent does not mean 'wasn't able to say no or fight back' it means you are freely able to communicate 'yes' and actually do so, which you were not and he knew and did not care.

I'm sorry, but you are describing a rape.

I know most of the problem was on my side.

It really was not.

What kind of person has sex with an unconscious, unresponsive person?

I think for now at least the sleepy sex has to stop because when he's sleepy he doesn't pick up that things are off for you. You need to talk to him about last night and how it felt for you, I would avoid blaming him if he is normally understanding just explain that due to your past it's not working for you and you want to only have sex when you are both fully aware of what is going on xxx

Sorry this has happened to you, OP.

Your feelings are very valid. Do you think he felt that you 'owed' it to him as you had initiated it prior to having to settle dc?

It sounds like a part of you thinks/knows that he knew you hadn't consented.

I just don’t know how to have the conversation. Normally we can talk about anything.

The utter fear of him I felt last night is really hard to shake off.

I don’t know if I did say or do something to indicate I didn’t want it . It felt like I was showing him I didn’t want to, and he was pushing on anyway. But the memory is too vague for me to pinpoint what I said or did, so in all likelihood was lost in the dreamy state I was in.

When I was a teen (and can I just make clear that my memories of this were pin sharp and I have never doubted what happened then) the man who raped me acted completely normal afterwards as if nothing had happened.

Op, this sounds all totally normal in relation to past sexual trauma - the freeze response, the fear, and the confusion. What are your worries about speaking to DH about it? Are you worried you will make him feel bad? It sounds untenable not to address it but so hard for you. I think you have to hear his perception of it - what did he think you were doing. It’s so difficult to know given the hazy memory of it, what you communicated to him or his view of the experience. But I can understand the concern that if you are confident you were fairly frozen and unresponsive, if he didn’t notice this.

I echo fatally agree I think having good Therepy that specific for trauma of this kind is what you really need to have !

I think combination Therepies approach
explore/find out which kinds of Therepies out there will feel the right fit,
most effective for you,
Look on the internet !
Such as having talking therapy such as counselling and and other kind of Therepy too.

Oops Typo mistake
I ment to say Totally !

In the last few years my sex drive has plummeted at certain points of my monthly cycle, and we tend to make the most of it during those times when I’m up for it.

He’s really understanding about that, and has always said that while he’d like to have sex, he only wants it if I want it.

So I don’t think it was a case that he felt I owed him. I think the consent was taken as implied. And normally this would have been ok.

But I understand what you’re saying about positive consent @sjfjsnfkdhsbd.

@Tal45 I think that’s sensible advice.

It’s really at odds from who I know him to be. But there’s still a tiny bit of doubt about what was going on for him. I don’t think I even have the headspace to deal with him being horrified or remorseful or whatever.

Thank you all for your understanding and advice.

Well it sounds as if this was fairly standard sleepy sex but you were in that weird place between awake and asleep, where you aren’t awake enough to think clearly and act but are awake enough for your husband to assume sex was on the table. And this confusion then triggered a horrible and traumatic memory.
FWIW, especially in light of your past trauma, I personally don’t think “sleepy sex” is a good thing to have in the context of any relationship. We used to do it sometimes and one experience slightly like yours made me realise that the lines of consent were too blurry and whilst sometimes it felt good and nice, other times it just felt wrong. So we haven’t done it since and it is no longer a thing we do. Maybe you would be best advised to do the same? I hope you shake this horrible feeling soon xxx

But you can tell when a partner has frozen up. Not exactly enthusiastic consent. I don't think it's 'fairly standard sleepy sex'.

But if you have sex with someone who's actually asleep at the end of the day, that's not sleepy sex. Surely that term belongs to the half-awake state early in the morning or before you go to sleep, rather than when you actually are asleep?

That makes sense OP. Abuse doesn't have to be energetic or frantic. It can incredibly casual - the difference between casual abusers and the other type is the intensity of emotion and direction. They simply don't care very much. It's not that they daydream of ways to torture someone, it's that their victim is simply not a factor in their decision making. They decide to do something so they do it. There's is something cold and clinical about it.

I understand why you are so disturbed by this event. That's bound to cause issues on more than one level for you. Is there any possibility that you he thought you genuinely wouldn't mind?

Also, I don't buy this 'sleepy sex' thing. Arousal is the opposite of sleep. What that actually means is two people enjoying the relaxed part before they properly wake up and their brain waves change to fully alert but that doesn't mean you were half asleep. The best you would have been is sluggish or pleasantly relaxed. Normally I expect he would have made sure you orgasmed first......but he didn't this time? Is that normal for you as a couple not to do that?

Also, what's the rest of your relationship like?

Sorry - i got the impression the OP wasn’t clear on how she was acting due to being half asleep. Also, maybe her husband was also half asleep and not totally aware of how she was reacting? I guess I’m thinking they were in the middle of it, they had a break to deal with children, and then he woke up and resumed it in a semi conscious state. I mean I do think that’s part of the problem with sex when both parties are half asleep. That’s why we don’t do it. Either way I think you definitely need to bring it up with your husband. You can’t brood on this for weeks. He needs to not do this again and the only way to avoid it is if you speak to him.

I'm really sorry to hear of your experience.

Perhaps you could just mention that you've been thinking about it and that you would like to take 'sleepy sex' off the table. If you are worried about telling him and upsetting him. The main thing is to set a boundary.

I often freeze and have to remind my partner that if he's not sure where I am to ask if I'm ok. If I can't respond because I'm mute then he will know he needs to stop until he gets a very clear signal. We do a lot of check ins and maybe it's not sexy but we are both more satisfied.

So I don’t think it was a case that he felt I owed him. I think the consent was taken as implied. And normally this would have been ok.

I think this is a problem and you need to step back a bit from implied consent while you work this out.

I’m normally not one to make excuses for the man in this situation, but even I think this is not a clear cut scenario where he overstepped by the sounds of it. You were both half asleep, both hazy about how awake the other was, and your previous trauma has caused you to react in a way that neither of you were expecting.

I’ve been in a similar situation and talking to him is the only way to get this straight in your head - his response will tell you all you need to know here

Like others have said, definitely stop the sleepy sex. If you're not able to say yes, I want to have sex, it's not consent. I often say or do things when half asleep that i don't actually remember, do you think maybe you gave consent but don't remember? Perhaps like pp said he didn't see your uncomfort as he was sleepy?

Best thing to do is speak to DH about it, he's the only one who really knows what happened.
If he knew you was asleep and says you didn't consent, he raped you, you need support and to end the relationship, and go to the police.