I’m not sure how to process what happened last night. I can’t talk to anyone about this in real life (and I’ve name changed here for privacy)
I initiated sex last night, but then had to abandon it because I had to settle one of the dc. Dh was tired and went to sleep, telling me to wake him up, when the dc were asleep.
So I tucked dc up, and then went back to bed and after a while drifted off myself. I woke up to dh touching me.
Normally this wouldn’t be a man issue. I know it would be an absolute no, for others, but we’ve often had “sleepy sex”.
The thing is that I was too tired, and wasn’t really up for it at that point. And I’m not really clear about what happened next. I don’t think I was awake enough to say that, I don’t know if I was indicating that I didn’t want to. He kept going. And I froze. By now I was awake but in a weird headspace where I couldn’t react and was completely afraid of him.
It was like replaying being raped as a teen. I was afraid to say no. I’m not able to describe it properly at all because it sounds all calm and rational. But I wasn’t making decisions at the time. I couldn’t. It just happened.
And it’s really fucked up. Because if I had said no to dh he would have stopped.
At least I think he would have. But last night I felt like he wouldn’t. So it felt absolutely like a rape to me.
A couple of times I’ve had to stop, when sex with him has triggered a flashback and he’s always been decent and understanding. But last night I wasn’t able to communicate it; I was locked in.
It has shook me up badly and I don’t know what to think, how to understand what happened, and how to even be around him.