Ex with MH problems

[Happycat1212]

Does anyone else have an ex that suffers from mental illness? And you share children? My ex suffers from a severe mental illness and it’s coming to the point where I’m realising he will probably never be able to be a father. He still contacts me from time to time but he just isn’t able to be a parent, I’m struggling with how supportive I’m meant to be as he is my ex so I don’t really feel I’m the person whose meant to support him but he said other women would be more supportive.

@Happycat1212

Yeh that’s my feelings. He expects me to help and support him to be a parent but I can’t do that, if he wants support then I’ve suggested contact centres etc, he can’t maintain any type of contact at all, he hasn’t managed more than 6 months at a time in their lives.

One of the things I see on here a lot is men with MH problems who seem to think it is their partner's (or ex-partner's) problem to fix/support etc. And it makes no sense to me. I mean, like any disability, sure, you might accommodate someone with mental health - eg instead of slagging him off to your DC you'd tell them that daddy is sick, and loves them, but can't really be the kind of parent he wants to be - but you don't have to support him by telling him it's okay, or finding solutions that work for HIM.

Of course, MN Is very much women-focused so perhaps this does happen with women with mental health problems, but really I don't see it. I also have a brother with severe depression and if anything, he's so busy over compensating that he does more and is more for his wife and children than most regular parents. I definitely have seen this with women too.

That’s very true, I don’t think for one second if it was the other way round that he would be supporting me, not at all. I’m glad I posted as I can now see there is no point being angry with him anymore and I will just move forward with our lives and leave him to sort himself out.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Honestly cut yourself free from this drama. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Don't bother. Ask yourself instead why you feel the need to fix it? Is there something in your childhood training that said, you have to fix this? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. We all make choices and you can choose to fuck this whole thing off.

I don’t even feel like it is my place to support him, we are not friends and we are not close, in all honesty it sounds bad but he is like a stranger to me, he’s been absent so long and he’s like a different person to me. It’s just something I posted on another site and someone said I should be helping him and getting him support (I don’t know how they expected me to do that) I have no contact with his family or friends and we don’t even live in the same area, apparently I should get him on a parenting course and support him as much as I can 🤦‍♀️ So it made me wondering if he was right about other women being more supportive

Well he can go find these other women who want to support him?

You are massively supporting him by caring for his children and keeping them safe. If I was very ill then who would look after the children would be my largest worry so I would be very grateful if someone would do that.

I don’t think he sees it like that, I think he sees it as that’s my job anyway

@Happycat1212

I don’t think he sees it like that, I think he sees it as that’s my job anyway

Course he does. So if he does turn up now and again, he's helping you!

A lot of places outside of MN are very male-focused without even realising it. "Poor man, he's got mental health, he can't be expected to do anything" but zero awareness that women have to get on with it all the time (and that most people with genuine mental health problems desperately want to be better for the people they love). The default is that it's a woman's problem to fix. But there's a huge difference between kicking him when he's down or making his issues worse and being the one to solve them. The former is fine (if annoying). The latter is ridiculous. Good luck!!!