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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex with MH problems

33 replies

Happycat1212 · 22/03/2021 10:06

Does anyone else have an ex that suffers from mental illness? And you share children? My ex suffers from a severe mental illness and it’s coming to the point where I’m realising he will probably never be able to be a father. He still contacts me from time to time but he just isn’t able to be a parent, I’m struggling with how supportive I’m meant to be as he is my ex so I don’t really feel I’m the person whose meant to support him but he said other women would be more supportive.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 22/03/2021 10:36

Has he had his mental illness diagnosed? Is he getting treatment?

You are right, it is not your job. Infact you dont have to have any more contact about anything other than the kids.

Dont fall into I'd 'other women...' manipulation. Its typical head fuckery and it's not on.

There are a lot of abusive arseholes who use 'mental health issues' as an excuse to treat ppl like shit. They aren't actually I'll, they have cluster b personality disorders (npd/sociopathy/psychopathy). Not to say they cant be mentally ill too of course.

But the point is, he is your ex. And you are not a qualifide therapist anyway. Tell him to get professional help and drop your contact down to minimum. Buy a burner phone and block him on everything else. If he threatens to kill himself or some nonsense (again, standard abuser tactic) then call him an ambulance and let them deal with it.

Wanderlusto · 22/03/2021 10:37

*ill, qualified

Peace43 · 22/03/2021 10:49

My ex has depression and generalised anxiety disorder and health anxiety. I am not his support mechanism and I have had to say that once or twice. If he can’t have DD because he is ill I’m not going to be grumpy with him and if he wants reassurance about issues relating to DD (her risk of dying of Covid being one) then I will help so that he can have a good relationship with DD but I’m no longer there to listen and sympathise with his issues. He needs to speak to friends and family or a counsellor, not me.

Insomnia5 · 22/03/2021 10:50

How exactly does he want you to support him? You’re a single mother raising his children on your own. He should be supporting you

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 22/03/2021 11:18

He definitely suffers from mental illness, he has been sectioned 2/3 times that he has told me about, and he says he has medication (injections) I don’t know much about mental illness so I struggle to understand him but he goes for up to a year at a time not seeing the children and expects me to be understanding about it because of his mental health. I don’t know what part of it is mental health and what is excuses.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 22/03/2021 11:45

'That he has told me about'. So you've never seen this happen?

Also you can be sectioned for acting crazy because you are an aggressive piece of shit and ppl think you might hurt yourself or others but it can be a personality disorder like sociopathy. Which isn't exactly mental illness...well, it is in a way, but essentially it's just who he is.

HE SAYS he has injections. Again, have you seen them? Even if he did then surely injections would be for things like diabetes ect...not mental health issues.

Sorry op but it sounds like bs.

Plenty of deadbeat fathers dont see their kids and make up reasons as to why. The truth is actually simple - they dont see the kids because they are selfish jerks who DONT CARE about them.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 22/03/2021 11:47

I think the injections are because he won’t take it himself or can’t be trusted to do it himself, I’ve never witnessed any of it as it’s all been since we split.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 22/03/2021 11:51

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Wanderlusto · 22/03/2021 11:51

*only thing

pazwaz70 · 22/03/2021 11:54

I work in mental health and you do have "injections". They are called depot injections,which are a slow release antipsychotic medication.
Can be given weekly,fortnightly,monthly etc. They are especially good for someone who doesn't have good compliance with medication & who tends to forget to take their meds.

Wanderlusto · 22/03/2021 12:01

@pazwaz70

I work in mental health and you do have "injections". They are called depot injections,which are a slow release antipsychotic medication. Can be given weekly,fortnightly,monthly etc. They are especially good for someone who doesn't have good compliance with medication & who tends to forget to take their meds.
Ooh you learn something new every day!

Wonder if that's what he has then.

Either way, I still think the more distance you can put between you, the better.

SpaceOp · 22/03/2021 12:08

What support is he looking for? It seem to me that if you are raising his dc with zero help or input from him then that's about as much as he can hope for? If you are yelling at himmconstantly, bombarding him with messages asking for money or a relationship with your dc, you would be within your rights but I guess arguably its pointless ans counter productive if he has mental health issues... but again, if you are doing that and decided to stop it would be to make your life les stressful.

If he wants you to facilitate the odd activity with your dc after he has been absent for months/years, as long as you agreement/refusal is based on what is best for the dc, he has no right to ask for additional support.

Mental health is too often used as an excuse for shifty behaviour.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 22/03/2021 12:42

I don’t know I guess when he disappears he expects me to be ok with it?? Then when he comes back he expects me to be understanding and supportive rather than annoyed and irritated at him? I really don’t know what he expects from me, I think he thinks his reasons of mental health are good reasons to not see the children so I shouldn’t be annoyed that he doesn’t bother with them.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 22/03/2021 12:46

You should be grateful that he doesn't want to be involved. You're best off without him in your lives. It could be so much worse. He could be harrassing you. Just take a step back, explain the situation to the children and get on with your lives.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 22/03/2021 12:48

Sadly he does and doesn’t, so he disappears but shows up once a year claiming to be better, so although he disappears he never fully goes as he always comes back once a year saying he is better etc but it’s clear he isn’t.

OP posts:
sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 22/03/2021 12:51

Some people do receive their medication for severe mental illness as injections. That's not especially unusual and it is sad people would leap to claim it is a fabrication.

Separately, it is not your job to provide support but equally what purpose does it serve to get angry with him?

Severe mental illness is a disability that can be absolutely debilitating. We are not talking about just feeling a bit sad or anxious here.

BlingLoving · 22/03/2021 13:00

@Happycat1212

I don’t know I guess when he disappears he expects me to be ok with it?? Then when he comes back he expects me to be understanding and supportive rather than annoyed and irritated at him? I really don’t know what he expects from me, I think he thinks his reasons of mental health are good reasons to not see the children so I shouldn’t be annoyed that he doesn’t bother with them.
There was a poster on here recently who is in a similar situation except, from memory,I think she'd got to the point where she just expected nothing from him and then when he did reappear, she facilitates whatever she believes is in the best interest of the children. She seemed to find this the easiest way to deal with it emotionally.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset and annoyed he's so unreliable. And I definitely don't think you need to be supportive to him. In the perfect world, I'd be aiming for indifference. So no yelling/complaining etc but absolutely no bending over backwards to accommodate him either. Most likely easier said than done.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 22/03/2021 13:43

By supportive he wants to be able to walk in and out whenever he wants with no repercussions and say it’s due to mental health, he expects to be welcomed back without any anger on my part when he’s been gone for a year, this has been going on for 5 years now.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 22/03/2021 13:49

I think you have every right to be angry. But I honestly don't see how continuing to be express this anger towards him helps. And I'm afraid you don't get to punish him.

Best you can do is to be completely and totally unemotional and if and when he reappears, engage with him only as much as you think is useful for your DC. Personally, with a parent who kept disappearing, I'm not convinced that him reappearing in their lives once a year is terribly helpful but as they get older I guess they can let you know whether they're happy to see him when he is around and then move on when he's not.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 22/03/2021 13:52

I think your are right, I don’t think he can ever be a parent without a lot of support to be one but he expects that from me which I’m just not able to give

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 22/03/2021 13:58

It’s a shame he has mental health problems, but your priority is your DC and it’s not fair on them if he keeps appearing and vanishing and his level of engagement is up and down.

Is there a level of contact that he could manage consistently or is he really all over the place?

SpaceOp · 22/03/2021 14:49

Exactly. You can facilitate contact in as much its appropriate/helpful/ desirable for your dc, and irritating though he is that's probably right. But you don't have to help him to be a good parent. That's on him. Your job is to parent and protect your dc. You have no obligation to him

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 22/03/2021 14:53

Yeh that’s my feelings. He expects me to help and support him to be a parent but I can’t do that, if he wants support then I’ve suggested contact centres etc, he can’t maintain any type of contact at all, he hasn’t managed more than 6 months at a time in their lives.

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 22/03/2021 15:25

If that’s the case I think you’re better off without him until such time as he can show a sustained improvement in how reliable he is.

It’s not healthy for your DC if he is in and out of their lives, and you can explain in an age appropriate way that he he really does love them but isn’t well.

If you are positive about him and always bring it back to the illness that’s got to be better for them that constantly feeling rejected when he disappears or flakes out.

Maybe he could do letters and cards for now.

Embracelife · 22/03/2021 15:27

@Happycat1212

I think your are right, I don’t think he can ever be a parent without a lot of support to be one but he expects that from me which I’m just not able to give
You do not need to support him Your job is to support dc and facilitate their contact with him if they want it and on your terms that fits with you and dc. Maybe using a third party. If he needs support he can ask his MH team

It is not worth your energy being angry with him buit think of him to dc as a relative who visits now and then
As they get older they can liaise themselves or not.
If you need to vent or need support to deal with him use a counsellor

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