Is this the end?

[Rageagainstmanchild]

I have NC as I don't want this linked to my other threads.

My DP is a hothead, always has been and he shouts a lot and can be aggressive. Never physically to me, although when throwing things he has caught my leg/arm but would never hit me I don't think. He is in the process of quitting smoking, which I think has added to the stress this week but it's part of a long line of behaviour that I can't cope with.

About 2 years ago he punched a hole in wall and told me he'd cave my fucking head in, in front of the children (very young) and we nearly split up over it but he promised to go to anger management, which never materialised but he hasn't done anything like that since.

He gets angry all the time, when he's tired, when he's stressed about his hobby and I always try to placate him as I don't want him to shout at the children or me. He smacked our child once and I tried to leave but we worked through it, I don't know why I didn't leave then as it goes against everything I believe in and we agreed before children that we would never smack them. DC1 is quite aggressive and vocal, learned behaviour but he can't cope with it.

I have been having counselling and I'm trying to stick up for myself and vocalise how I'm feeling to try and communicate better, which had been working but the past few weeks he's showed that he doesn't like this.

His hobby is taking up so much time, it's consuming him and I've asked him to do a couple of things as I don't have a key to the shed or garage so couldn't do myself. Bear in mind that I do everything else and I asked politely to put something away as we had workmen coming to the house. He exploded and called me a cunt. I'm not proud but I exploded at him and chucked all his stuff that I wanted him to move, in the garden, the children weren't here.

The second time this week he called me a cunt was over me asking if he'd looked inside our child's school bag as there had been dirty clothing in there, he shouted, called me a cunt and said I hadn't told him to and that I need to prioritise the children and call the doctor (the reason there were dirty clothes was because of a medical condition) - I again said that the children are not solely my responsibility, I work full time, do everything round the house etc.

Third time this week, I came into our kitchen and asked if he wanted to watch a film on Saturday evening - his friend was there and he went mental saying I was interrupting him, I was a bit put out as he was using my laptop to do something so I said he couldn't use it, I know this was childish. He basically threw my laptop across the room and it hit my leg.

We talked about it the next day, and it ended in an arguement - he claims I came into the kitchen as an aggressive act to distract him and I didn't need to do it. Called me a massive cunt again and I explained that I'm scared and intimidated by him when he shouts. He told me that was the intention and if I was a bloke he would have beat me up and that his hobby comes before me and the children. I'm not proud of it but I screamed at him that he was a bully, I wasn't going to take it anymore and called him an arse hole, the children were in the other room so heard it all. I have protected them from him so many times and have always kept my head and not argued in front of them but I couldn't control my emotions - years of verbal abuse have worn me down.

Today, I apologised for losing my temper (I apologised to the children immediately after) but that I wanted to talk to him as I can't continue to do this and want to seperate. He's basically ignoring me, kept saying he doesn't want to talk to me and I'm not accepting his boundaries - maybe I'm not but I don't particularly want him here and I want him to leave.

I'm so scared that I'm breaking up my family, that the children are going to be upset, that I can't cope on my own, that I'll forgive him and this perpetual cycle will continue. I'm a talker and want to talk things through and he likes to punch things, I'm so sad. He's gone out and left me with the children without a second thought. I hate him right now.

OP are you safe ?

could you have someone there when you tell him to leave ?

🌺

He's not mad anymore so I think I'll be okay, he's fairly reasonable when he's not cross. He just goes from 0-100 so I'll tell him and if I feel unsafe I'll call my mum and dad who only live round the corner.

At least let your parents know what you're planning and to call if they don't hear from you by a certain time. You said he gets angry very quickly. Hope it goes ok and he leaves.

Good, consider telling your Parents your planning on doing this, so they can check on you tonight, just to ensure all is ok 🌺

@Rageagainstmanchild

He's back now and being all sweetness and light, trying to manipulate me into thinking it's half my fault, it really wasnt. I'm going to get the kids to bed and tell him to leave, I don't want to subject my children to another arguement as I'm getting cross thinking about it all.

I’ve been there many times They will do whatever you let them do to you

Just end it as honestly anything is better than being bracketed with a man like this.

Trust me
You can do it
If I did you can

crossed posts with @Wellies54 🌺

@WisnaeMe

Good, consider telling your Parents your planning on doing this, so they can check on you tonight, just to ensure all is ok 🌺

Yes don't keep it a secret from people who can help you.

@Rageagainstmanchild

He's not mad anymore so I think I'll be okay, he's fairly reasonable when he's not cross. He just goes from 0-100 so I'll tell him and if I feel unsafe I'll call my mum and dad who only live round the corner.

Why would you not have them there / in the car outside ready to come in at a time you agree with them in advance, in case he kicks off?

Why presume that he will be reasonable when you've just said he goes from 0-100 quickly, has hit your child, loses his temper, throws things, shouts all the time...

Why are you not putting in place measures to keep you and the kids as safe as possible at the most risky time in an abusive relationship - when the abused party tells the abusive party it's over?

Sorry to sound harsh but I'm only being so brutally honest because your kids don't deserve any of this and you need to keep them and you safe.

I bet at one point you never thought he would do all the horrible things he has now done. But you were wrong and he did.

Get your parents to be there when you tell him it's over, or say you'll be telling him at Xpm and want them to knock on the door a few minutes past so they can check you're ok and help get him out.

He will do anything to avoid losing face in front of other adults and being exposed as his aim is to drive you bonkers and make others think you are especially YOUR loved ones and friends

Don’t let him

he's fairly reasonable when he's not cross

He is fairly reasonable only when everything is going exactly as he wants it to be. He is a violent and abusive man.

Id seriously ask someone to be there when you ask him to leave. Have your phone on you.

Please don't let this drag on another day.

For your children's sake - if not your own - tell him to go. Get your parents (or someone else) there and tell him to pack a bag now. I agree with @youvegottenminuteslynn that you should not be alone with a violent man when you tell him to leave.

Either he'll laugh in your face, argue and do nothing.

Or he'll finally realise you are serious and then you'll be in danger.

he's fairly reasonable when he's not cross

And he won't be cross when you tell him the relationship is over and you want him out?!

I'm trying to say this as kindly as possible but your judgement is way off on this and you need someone there when you talk to him.

You're not safe and your expectations are not safe for your children, who will also be in the home at the same time.

Please don't tell him alone, you need someone with you. As a pp said, when he realises you're serious that's when you're in danger.

Well he's gone out again whilst I was putting children to bed. Avoidance tactic probably but maybe you're right, I could do tomorrow whilst the children are at school and I have neighbours on hand if I need them.

So much to unpack here. Why don’t you have a key to the garage or shed of your own house? What is his hobby that it comes before his own kids? Why the hell haven’t you binned him yet?

He sounds absolutely disgusting and vile! Don't make excuses for this behaviour calling you a massive c#&t, throwing things at you. Revolting specimen. Throw the loser out. Put your children and yourself first.

You can pack him a bag this evening and tell him he's on the sofa/spare room tonight.

He doesn't want me to give me a key and I can't store anything in either of them - not sure why, but I don't think he trusts me. I've read through this thread a few times and I'm shocked at how pathetic I've been for years, I have no idea how or why I've put up with it. The boiling frog analogy is probably right, it's been normalised, I don't know what is acceptable anymore?

Well I'd be getting a locksmith in - growing weed?

This has made me really quite cross:

DC1 is quite aggressive and vocal, learned behaviour but he can't cope with it.

FFS what are you allowing to happen to your children?! Get the hell out of there before he snaps and kills you!

Bini, I know, I keep hearing all the excuses that it's inate and he can't help it. He struggles with a neurological condition, although undiagnosed and won't get tested despite me begging him to. I think it's learned behaviour but he uses this as validation that it's something he can't control, like our DC.

I know it sounds stupid, but I believed him. I sound pathetic and I'm sorry.

Call the police. Report his vile abuse. Whilst he is with the police get yourself to court to get an occupation order, change the locks and do not let him back in. You can call the police if he tries to enter after this. Whilst your there get yourself a non molestation order so he can't contact you, then you can't be talked into staying with a violent bully.

You can look at mediation / court long term to arrange childcare etc it need be.

If you need some motivation then watch the you tube video on adverse childhood experiences. You're children are suffering and you need to put them first.

Your* - sorry!

Reposting because I feel like you're sleepwalking into a dangerous situation and I want you to take a breath and recognise how serious this is and how your children have been affected, not to shame you, but to try and get you to follow through and actually end this safely and finally.

Re the situation as it stands:

Your children are used to a man shouting in their safe place.

One of them has been hit by him.

They are frightened of the situation like when you shouted back today.

You have to remove them from the house and placate them with treats to help make them feel safe again.

You are both currently teaching them that it is a mum's job to placate a dad's temper.

A woman's job to placate a man's temper.

Your parents can afford to get you out of this situation. Grab that opportunity and absolutely run with it, for your little ones if not just for you.

The longer they live under the same roof as you and him together, the more likely they are to replicate this relationship dynamic when they grow up.

Please, please don't subject them to this environment any longer. Be brave for them.

Re leaving him:

Why presume that he will be reasonable when you've just said he goes from 0-100 quickly, has hit your child, loses his temper, throws things, shouts all the time...

Why are you not putting in place measures to keep you and the kids as safe as possible at the most risky time in an abusive relationship - when the abused party tells the abusive party it's over?

Sorry to sound harsh but I'm only being so brutally honest because your kids don't deserve any of this and you need to keep them and you safe.

I bet at one point you never thought he would do all the horrible things he has now done. But you were wrong and he did.

You seem to simultaneously know he is dangerous (violently throwing things, hit your kid, shouting, calling you a cunt) yet also expect to be able to simply tell him it's over and him be 'reasonable' because he is 'reasonable' when he isn't angry... well don't you think being told it's over will make him angry?!

Your children need at least one parent to absolutely put them, their physical safety, their emotional wellbeing and their futures FIRST from this day onwards. It's not going to be him so it needs to be you.

This time you need to choose them over him.

You can't change what has happened previously so I would put all your attention onto what's happening now and what will happen if you do nothing. You already know that your husband's behaviour has had an impact on your children, if you do nothing they will at some point connect the dots together and ask you why you failed to protect them. Depending on what further damage your husband does in between now and then, you may well find yourself estranged from your children after that conversation. I am estranged from my mother for much the same reason, she failed to protect me from a situation that sounds much less severe than the one your children are in now.

That sounds pretty scary I imagine. If you don't want to risk that happening then you need to act now. Tell your parents, tell your close friends, tell the police, get as much professional support as you can. Do not give this man even an inch as you know he will use it to worm his way back in. The more people you tell, the less chance he has of doing that. Do not minimise this just because he hasn't physically laid a hand on you YET. Do not let that become a reason for you to keep putting this off. Yes your children will likely be scared if you call the police but it really is the least worst option at this point. Then once he's out of the house you can work on rebuilding yourself and your children back up as a family. You can do this!