Would this bother you?

[TheLost]

I’ve been seeing someone for about 9 months, think he’s wonderful and really see a future for us. He’s divorced, split up with wife 5 years ago after she had an affair and she’s still with the affair partner. 2 teenage kids. He says they are as amicable as they can be but certainly not friends and only spend time together for parents evenings, football matches etc.

It’s his ex wife’s birthday next week and he’s bought her a bottle of champagne, a box of posh chocolates and a massive bouquet of flowers. I said that it was nice of him to get him something for her from the dc but apparently they’re just from him. He let dc choose something for her from Amazon costing up to X amount .

Would you think this was odd? My ex will help dc choose and write in Mother’s Day/ birthday cards but my kids are early primary age. I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable if he gave me traditionally romantic gifts like champagne and flowers just from him. Or am I just overthinking it?

I habe two friends who split a few years ago. She’s with her affair partner but her ex would buy these sort of gifts fr her every chance he gets, it’s clear he’s not over her and would take her back if she’d have him. He’s always trying to get her attention. He’s had a number of new partners all who last a few months max.

I’m afraid op that would be my point of reference and I’d assume he’s not over her.

He still loves her, I don't know what else you could think! Are you sure he's being honest about the rest? Has it really been 5 years? How long were they together?

I wouldn't think anything odd about this or if my wife did the same for her ex.

I’d be uncomfortable, it’s no appropriate.

It’s a little odd but I wouldn’t fight him off just yet. Just keep track of this behaviour. He might just be one of those generous people that loves giving gifts.

DD’s dad and I (not together) buy each other gifts. I don’t spend that much - he has a lot of money and does spend more. He is still with his AP - I am with someone new and have no romantic feelings for ex, but we coparent well and are friends.

I do accept this wouldn’t be for everyone tho, and some people would find it weird.

It’s not a big birthday or anything. They were together for nearly 20 years and have definitely been separated for 5 years, divorced for 4 years. He’s had one 3 year relationship since that ended about a year ago due to her getting a job in another country.

His reasoning is that they always spend around about £100 on each other for birthday and Christmas and it was all he could find in the shops as he hadn’t got organised in time to order something online. He hasn’t really given any other signs that he’s still holding a candle for her. He told me that the split was really hard as he didn’t see it coming at all and never thought she was the type to cheat. That’s all he’s said about it really.

I haven’t met his dc as we’ve only been together since last summer. He’s happy for me to meet them but as my split with my dh was more recent and my dc are much younger than his I’m holding off him meeting mine for now. He has his dc 50% of the time though and from what he says he seems really close to them.

I thought exdh and I were pretty amicable- no affair, just split up as both unhappy so no resentment or anything. I just can’t imagine him buying me champagne, flowers and chocolates as a birthday present.

Weird.....he clearly still has feelings for her must have. Not unless they're all sickly sweet lets pretend we're all friends bullshit!
Red Flag, bedspread and duvet I'd say.

DD’s dad would buy me these things if he hadn’t got organised to buy me better stuff (this has been known to happen). To be honest, he usually buys me more thoughtful/personalised things. CDs or books I would like and so on. This last Xmas he bought me boots (which I love, and am wearing them now!).

He also bought his girlfriend (the AP) boots for Xmas. When I asked him (just in general chat) what he had got her, he admitted this, but was at pains to point out that hers were ankle boots (mine were knee-highs) so he wasn’t being generic!

We do this I think to honour the fact that, tho we didn’t work well as a couple, we are awesome co-parents. I am grateful for the father he is to my dd, every day of my life.

I was actually mildly pissed off with the low quality of gifts I received from him this Mother’s Day! 🤣 (Not because I crave STUFF - but usually he makes a lot more effort - and I make a decent effort for Father’s Day too, despite being quite poor). But I get that lock down has been hard for everyone - I have been pretty shit as a gift-giver lately, tho it used to be a thing I made a big effort with.

Sorry, ramble ramble ramble. What I am essentially saying is, I don’t think you need worry if there is nothing else giving you cause for concern but this. DD’s dad and I have zero romantic feelings for each other. If anything, I think of him like a brother now. We give each other gifts to demonstrate how grateful we are for each other’s friendship, and the awesome job we do co-parenting DD. Nothing more than that......

I have a great relationship with my ex but all I get him is a card and buy what the DC want to get for him.
Would be weird to still be buying him expensive presents as he's married now but even if he was single I wouldn't.

"I was actually mildly pissed off with the low quality of gifts I received from him this Mother’s Day!"
Jeeeeesus....unreal!

@Marineboy67

"I was actually mildly pissed off with the low quality of gifts I received from him this Mother’s Day!" Jeeeeesus....unreal!

No no, I am actually real, I can feel my own arms and everything!

Different strokes for different folks, eh? I totally said that I know lots of separated parents don’t buy each other stuff. If my and DD’s dad want to, and it doesn’t trouble anyone else we care about, then what on earth is your problem with that?

And how does it make me cease to exist? And why The Fuck is it a problem for you?

I do think some of it is a typical bloke mentality of ‘shit I’ve got to spend £100 and all the normal gifts are fenced off in Tesco’. It was just the flowers, chocolates and champagne are such stereotypical romantic gifts. At least it wasn’t underwear, I guess

Op, what do you want him to say when you ask him? Of course he’s going to say it’s normal and downplay it, he’s hardly going to say anything g else.

And how does it make me cease to exist? And why The Fuck is it a problem for you?
Oh you exist alright thats clearly obvious....you've established that with your incredulous comment.
I would suggest the problem lies not with someone pointing this out, but with yourself for for suggesting it in the first place.
To be mildly pissed off that you didn't receive enough....you poor thing.

They are classic (if unimaginative) romantic gifts.
I wouldn't be thrilled about this. - Understatement.

Op you seem to be laughing it off but I wouldn’t be happy in this circumstance. I think presents with any level of thought ( like picking clothes or a favourite something of someone) or romantic ( like flowers/chocolates) are just too personal for an ex. Especially romantic gifts though.
What kind of gifts does he get you?

To be honest, I would think it's strange but at the same time, I would rather it was like this than a constant drama with the ex wife. He hasn't hidden anything from you and explained why he chose those gifts. He sounds like a nice man to be honest.

£100 is a lot to me even for a big birthday (frankly I would never spend that much on anyone!) but is it a small sum for him?

You've been together a relatively short time, and he's been in the habit of buying her gifts for ages if their kids are teenagers. Maybe it is a little bit like my exh, who got me something out of habit and needed to have it pointed out to him that it was no longer appropriate?
Is he not very emotionally bright? (I'd see that as a red flag, but only as I had it with my ex for so long and became thoroughly sick of it.)

My parents split up 7 years ago, neither of them have found anyone else. They both still buy each other birthday presents, but there's no chance whatsoever of them getting back together.

It's not as unusual as you think.

He certainly wasn’t trying to hide it and came back from Tesco annoyed that he couldn’t buy her what he wanted to (a coffee maker thing). I think (hope) it’s more lack of awareness than anything else as I did say it looked like he was giving her a Valentine’s Day present and he said “oh I’m sure she won’t think that”. Then asked a few times if she would think that.

Noooo id be making it clear that makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd understand if they were still really good friends and the love just fizzled, but for him to say they're only amicable, not too sure i feel that its appropriate

Have you been open about how you feel?xxx

Not really. I said I thought it was a bit odd and she might think he’s buying it as a kind of romantic gift but he just said that they’re way beyond that now and he was just trying to do the decent thing. She’s always spent that amount on him for his birthdays and it would look stingy if he didn’t reciprocate. Also that he hadn’t planned on buying her those things, he wanted to get her a coffee machine but didn’t realise those bits were fenced off in Tesco. He said if he was trying to be romantic he’d have done something ‘properly’, rather than just dashing round Tesco trying to scrape together £100 worth of present type stuff.

Have you had a birthday with him - what did he buy you ?