Marriage Breakdown - Lockdown & Pregnant

[thatwasagoodideaofyours]

This is not the first time I have posted here unfortunately.

H and I have been together for 10y. We met 1y after my divorce from my first marriage. I have one child from this previous relationship.

Things moved quickly and we moved in together within 18m.

I knew he’d had previous mental health issues (eating disorder/anxiety/low level depression) but for the first 2/3 years he seemed fine. Slowly his mental health declined and we had various hard times which we got through with counselling etc.

We had our first DC in 2016, 2017 things came to a head and I gave him an ultimatum. He moved out for a while but we worked things out, and on the whole, things have been good.

Then lockdown hit. Things became increasingly difficult in the home. Severe anxiety and depression kicking back in. He started to see a counsellor again in the Summer.

Then we had an unplanned pregnancy. I thought long and hard about whether to proceed but I just couldn’t not. He felt the same.

Unfortunately things have gone from bad to worse. He hates the world and takes this out on me. Emotional abuse, shouting, aggressive name calling. I have been frightened on a few occasions.

Yesterday things came to a head. We had a minor disagreement and I asked him to calm down (our 5 year old was witness to this) and he flipped. Throwing objects at the wall, screaming at me that I was a ‘fucking prick’ etc.
I started to cry and this seemed to make him worse so I went up to it bedroom, where I had a panic attack.

We haven’t spoke since and I feel so sad as deep down I know things are never going to get better. And I am worried about the effect on the children, not to mention bringing a third in to this absolute mess.

Luckily I have a very supportive family and friends, there are no financial concerns. I do all the home life / mental load anyway so not much will change but I don’t know how I am going to have the strength to separate.

It will be my second failed marriage at just 40, not to include the fact I’m 6m pregnant and the thought of having a newborn on top of it all really worries me.

Should I leave now, or wait until I am in a more settled place with the baby ?

I’d leave ASAP

Your 5 year old must be traumatised.
Is your husband still in the house or has he gone out?

He went out for most of the day yesterday but came home early evening. Luckily we have two separate livings rooms so we have stayed apart. And I slept in with our DC last night.

Unfortunately I think our DC is used to it. They even say to me ‘why does Daddy shout at you all the time and make you cry?’

Thankfully he doesn’t behave this way towards the children. Just me.

Thankfully he doesn’t behave this way towards the children. Just me.

By abusing you he is abusing them.
They are already emotionally damaged.
What do you think would happen if your 5 year old tells someone at school about what he did?
How old is your other child?

I know you’re right. Our DC already copies his behaviour. Slamming doors and shouting.

My eldest DC is 13

It’s that classic scenario as well, where when things are good they are great. He’s fun, thoughtful, caring etc. If you knew him you wouldn’t believe it.

When we talk after these episodes he always blames it on his mental health, then I end up feeling guilty, as if I’m somewhat abandoning him during ‘sickness’ (to quite the wedding vowels)

I also feel so deflated now. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this. I am a kind person, I don’t make demands on him, I put everyone else first, I don’t have a nasty bone in my body.

quote*

You haven't done anything to deserve this, it's about who he is.

Please leave now. This is damaging your children.

I suppose my problem is I always think I can fix him. I desperately want to fix him.

But I think I’ve come to the realisation that I can’t.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them.

Men like this will never be fixed it will only get worse sorry your going through this your three children deserve better

The problem with staying is that he will never fix HIMSELF when it's much easier for him to take it out on you. He could find therapy, admit he has a problem, live with the guilt, learn healthy mechanisms and improve your relationship but he doesn't need to, he can just hurt you instead and he knows you'll put up with it.

Even if he did all this work you would still be scared because with people like this the good times are also a threat. How long will it last, what if I do or say the wrong thing. Your children will be thinking the same but with even less awareness.

You are ONLY 40 - too young to stay in a toxic marriage . Forget thinking you have failed anything , he has failed you and failed the DCs.
Many women stay because of financial reasons and no support. You are lucky for those not be an issue.
He brings nothing positive into your life it seems. Being nice occasionally is just not good enough. A stranger can do that.
Raise your baby alone in a loving peaceful household. The other DCs will thrive too.
First step is to ask him to leave. Get help with the rest of starting divorce .

Yes, get out asap. You say 'two failed marriages' but actually what you've had is life experience, not failure. It's a success to realise that your circumstances are not acceptable and to do something about it.
You sound lovely, and you'll be fine. You know you will.

As someone over twenty years older than you, can I suggest you don't, in future, always put other people first? I did that. It's squandering your life on people who will never appreciate it, no matter who they are. Put yourself first sometimes.

Unfortunately, society has sold women a real line about the damaged hero and the romance of rescuing the damaged man from himself. The brooding, Byronic hero. It is the biggest pile of bollocks in the world. All it has done is allow men to keep treating women badly on the grounds that they are somehow wounded or suffering. Women and families are not rehab centres for broken men. Women are not put on this planet to look after men - they are put on this planet to live their own glorious lives. As is often said on MN - don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. In this case: don't set yourself and your family on fire to keep someone else warm.

The greater openness around mental health is overall a very good thing but unfortunately people with abusive tendencies are using it as an excuse to justify unacceptably poor behaviour. It is typical for abusers to behave appallingly and then start crying pitifully afterwards, and then go on to repeat the same appalling behaviour again. That is the cycle of abuse. Responsible, functional people with MH problems seek treatment and work hard to manage the symptoms.

As regards the whole rescuing thing; you might find it helpful to read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I think that would strike a lot of chords with you. Not only can you not fix him, you are actually, from a place of love, enabling him to stay stuck and not have to tackle his MH issues. By staying, you are actually doing him more harm than good, and you are certainly doing yourself and your DCs more harm than good. And the fact that you will have had 2 failed marriages by age 40 does suggest that you may not be choosing particularly well, but it is much better to have that realisation and leave than to have it and stay. Infinitely better to get out of a bad marriage than stay in one to avoid losing face. Probably both marriages have been based on rescuing a damaged man and you may well need therapy in order to move you beyond that way of thinking.

Anyway, it's great that you've realised you need to leave. Personally, I think it would be best to do it now before the little one arrives and get as much support as possible with your LO after the birth. It doesn't sound like he will be much support anyway and you will find it harder to get away after the LO is born because, in the moment, it will always be easier to stay.

Good luck, OP.

Please leave. You say that DC are copying his behaviour already. Please reflect on what this is teaching them about relationships. They must be bloody terrified at what they witness. There are lots of supporting organisations that we help you.

@thatwasagoodideaofyours

I suppose my problem is I always think I can fix him. I desperately want to fix him.

But I think I’ve come to the realisation that I can’t.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them.

You aren't fixing him, you are breaking your children.

Fix your children.

@Colourmeclear he’s probably seen 4 therapists since we’ve been together. He never sees them through, he’ll practise the techniques for a short time, and then revert to type ! He refuses to try medication.

@Hailtomyteeth he often calls me a walkover. And says I should be stronger and more assertive in saying no etc. Oh the irony

@Dery thank you for the book recommendation.

Thank you all for your kind words. I know I have to find the strength to ask him to leave. I’m not sure how or when. I don’t feel like I can speak to anyone about this in RL until I have a plan, if that makes sense.

I’m mostly scared about caring for a newborn on my own. I have to have CS also.

@picklemewalnuts you are 100% right. I am failing them

You will be shocked to find life much easier without this man in it.

You spend a lot of energy worrying about him, tiptoeing around him, etc.

You'll be ok, you really will!

Your poor abused children.

You do realise that your children are in a highly abusive home?

And now a third child.

Why is this man more important that your 13 who has know nothing else but this awful home and your 5 year who asks why Daddy's shouting?

Why is he more important than these poor children.

You have great support yet you allow it to continue.

You undoubtedly have traumatised children who's lives will be marked forever by you allowing this man to stay in their lives.

How about you think about what this must be doing to your children and how they will bear the consequences of your choices.

Children NEVER forget this type of childhood.

Reach out to all the support you clearly have and get him out of your home.

“I’m not sure how or when. I don’t feel like I can speak to anyone about this in RL until I have a plan, if that makes sense.”

It doesn’t make sense, OP. It makes much more sense to reach out to those who can support you now so that they can help you plan.

Your 13 yo must be wondering why you left their parent only to bring them into a family with this man.

As a PP said, the emotional relief of not dealing with daily emotional abuse will be invigorating.

It is difficult, OP, but you know you have to leave. The sooner you do it, the more grateful your children and your future self will be. It will be too easy to put it off once you’ve got a newborn and are recovering from a C-section.

Your poor 13 year old has grown up with this arsehole abusing his mum and no way out of the situation. Your poor 5 year old thinks this is normal. So what if you get divorced again? Is your pride more important than safeguarding your children??
Leave now. Don't subject your kids to one more day of this.

How is it that you couldn't bring another child into this, and yet here you are with another child on the way? Don't really get that, but anyway, now you know why he was divorced when you met - I suspect a conversation with his ex would of been enlightening. Give up being a fixer, see every man as the finished article, by your age they are. WYSIWYG applies.

Can you afford to see a solicitor? Will you get the opportunity without him around?

Just to clarify a few things. I didn’t leave my ex husband, our relationship drifted apart to the point there was no intimacy. We were childhood sweethearts who got married too young.

When we had our first DC things weren’t like they are now, otherwise no, I wouldn’t have planned to have a child with him. This third baby was a contraception failure. I thought very long and hard but there’s no way I could go through a termination.

Thank you for the kindness and compassion to those that have offered it . It isn’t easy leaving an abusive relationship. Which is why so many people remain in them. Otherwise I would be long gone.