He told his new girlfriend he wished I had an abortion

[DV121]

So I’m coming here because I’ve lurked before, everyone here seems to give great advice and I’m hurting right now.

So me and my boyfriend split up just after our baby was born due to him texting other women. I tried to keep it as civil as possible for our baby. We would text most days just check ins etc. Once our baby was around 6 months old he suddenly stopped being so available, he couldn’t help out as much and he told me I would need to stop leaning on him. I probably did too much but I don’t have much help else where. He said despite being put on furlough he was being made to work so he was very very busy.

Anyway very recently I found out he got a girlfriend around those times, he had been with her daily. I actually spoke to her because there were several issues. He told her he wanted me to have an abortion. I found out he lost his job months back because he was sleeping with the manager. He always paid maintenance because he took out a massive loan. To keep up with this girl because she earns a shit ton apparently.

I’m just so hurt. He never wanted me to have an abortion or he never expressed that to me. The things he was saying to her, he never felt that way about me. The fact he lied and left me to struggle. I’ve recently gone back to work and the first nursery payment crippled me. All this time he had the money to help and he chose not to. I’m heartbroken I had a baby with this man. I feel so sorry for my baby.

Once he was found out, he came all sorry saying he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He lies all the time for no reason. He hates what he sees inside it’s ugly. The him I got was not real. This is the real him now. He scares me because all this time you would think he worships our son. How easily he lies and hurts people. I can’t believe we have to raise a child together. I’m so sorry this is long. I needed this rant because I’m embarrassed

Op, he's not your partner you have no control over what he says to other people. Stop worrying about what he does, he is your child's father. Keep your contact restricted to maintenance payments and contact with your child.
Block him on social media and live your own life.
He lied to you and was in contact with other women so it's not surprising he's talking nonsense to the current girlfriend.
You sound like you want him back but he's bad news.

That must be very hurtful to hear

It’s possible he secretly would not have chosen to have this baby had he had a choice in the matter

It’s possible he feels this way now the relationship has ended in hindsight (not everyone does feel parenthood is “worth it”)

It may be that he is lying to his new GF in a feeble attempt to make her feel less inferior to the mother of his child

Either way you didn’t have an abortion & this statement doesn’t change the fact that according to you he seemed to idolise/worship your son - so as long as he keeps these feelings to himself, does it really matter if he would have chosen abortion or says he wanted that?

As long as he steps up & parents your son & loves him now he is here that is what is important

Also advise to stop contacting his new GFs because that will just make you look & feel bad. Just let him have his life & you have yours. What he says & does with his life has no bearing on you & listening to/engaging in this gossip will only bring you down.

I don’t know it’s such a mess. I feel disgusted by him, I feel like he’s the lowest of the low. But at the same time I have this little hope for a family. I don’t know why.

Maybe I’m too tangled up in my feelings but saying that about your own son. To make a woman feel better that you didn’t want this life

I gave him so many chances to say do you want this. I said to him it’s his life too. Maybe in hindsight he wouldn’t of had him. There were other issues which is why I spoke to her. But they’re done now

It’s clear you want the family ect, and him but you have to look past that and think what he’s done. It’s really not worth the heart ache and stress.

You could be so happy just you and your son, say this as a single parent, been one before I had my baby as I didn’t want to be with her father, he wanted to be with me but I wasn’t in love.

Stop speaking to his girlfriend.
Stop speaking to him unless it's specifically about the child.
Move on with your life and the drama will leave too.

Oh OP I do understand. As another poster said he is not your partner and you cannot control what he says and does. You need to block on social media, keep contact restricted to your son's schedule and move on with your life. Focus on your son and let this man go. Sadly the idea of a 'family' is different now. I have a blended family, two step-daughters and two daughters and the first few years was tough. Sharing children across two households always comes with challenges but you can only control how you react not what the other house says/does. It would be best now to let this all go and just focus on your son...easier said than done I know.

It doesn't matter what he tells this woman, maybe he does regret being a father, it wasn't a planned pregnancy? Not that it matters, all that matters is you and your son, focus on providing him all he needs and making sure he is loved by you. You can't control his feelings and definitely lose the idea of the three of you being a family, you both deserve better.

I know I just feel hurt that he didn’t help, financially or physically. All because he had someone new. I only spoke to her once because of something else. But they’re done now.

I also have a cheap phone that he can text when he’s picking our son up. So we don’t need to discuss anything else

@DV121
Give the ex and the new girlfriend a wide berth and don't make contact

Focus on making a life for yourself and not being obsessed by what they're doing or not doing

He's an ex so just leave it

@Mermaidwaves

It doesn't matter what he tells this woman, maybe he does regret being a father, it wasn't a planned pregnancy? Not that it matters, all that matters is you and your son, focus on providing him all he needs and making sure he is loved by you. You can't control his feelings and definitely lose the idea of the three of you being a family, you both deserve better.

I agree with this. This man (not your partner nor boyfriend) is not your family. To you he is nothing more than your son’s father. How will he continue to maintenance once his loan money is gone? Make sure you raise a claim with CMS. I would also recommend taking him to mediation & court to establish a regular contact schedule because you don’t want him playing Disney Dad for the benefit (and showing off) to any future girlfriends and so you can prove that you’re not “keeping his son from him” if needed. You need to forget about him and focus on being the very best mum you can for your wee boy.

You feel hurt he didn’t help financially or physically but shocked that he said he wishes your son was never born?

Seems pretty obvious... family is more than nuclear “Mum dad & bio kids”.

Mar your own family & stop looking to someone who has never actually supported you when you needed them to be your family, come back to you & make everything all better

How does he worship your son but also not provide for him? It’s hard to get a sense of what kind of father he actually is

I will say regretting having your children seems to not be uncommon & people’s feelings can change over time.

But it’s not a crime to have preferred your pre-child life, or feel you had children with the wrong person

Focus on how YOU feel & how happy you are to have your son. You can’t control how anybody else feels about your son or parenthood - that’s just impossible.

Hi thats all very hurtful to hear, but its not necessarily true. If the other woman told you these things it would be because she was jealous of you. But you know none of it matters, he is an ex but you have a child together and your son is the focus now.

You can do it on your own and you are a family, you and your son. Nurseries are expensive I know but it will not be forever (its wonderful when they go to school!) It is hard being a single mum but it will get easier. I look back on my time with just me and my son when he was a baby as so precious.

Do you have any family support?

I don’t have any family support which is why I think I leaned on him and expected much more.

It is hard to get a feel for the type of father he is. One minute he’s the love of his life the next he wishes he never had him. I understand you may feel these things. I regret the fact he’s his dad.

I stupidly believed all his excuses about work which is why he couldn’t show up. When in reality he lost his job he just couldn’t be bothered to be a dad. He would rather sit around this woman’s house daily.

I think that’s what gets me. I’ve struggled so much this past year, with PPD, financially. And it hasn't affected him much. Yet he’s the one saying he wished he hadn’t been born

“ It is hard to get a feel for the type of father he is. One minute he’s the love of his life the next he wishes he never had him.”

But his private feelings over perhaps wishing he had decided differently in life doesn’t mean he doesn’t love your son now.

You seem to be mixing up how he behaves around your son with what he has supposedly said about his feelings about being a parent?

In fact it is a good parent who feels this way but continues to step up & parent their children.

I am wondering if he had actually been a disappointing parent, or if you are just disappointed that he privately holds these feelings?

People are entitled to their own feelings & as long as he doesn’t make your son feel unwanted what’s the problem ?

As you say, he lies all the time for no reason. Some people are like that, it's compulsive and they just say whatever they think will either please the other person/get what they want/avoid being challenged. It comes as naturally as breathing.

On the bright side, you know this now.

And you have your beautiful baby.

Disengage emotionally from the guy as much as you can - take everything he says with a huge pinch of salt and avoid having to listen to it in the first place as far as possible. Keep communication minimal.

And I'm sorry that you don't have a decent guy to co-parent with, but you can do this on your own.

OP, it's best to assume that you are on your own.
He was never the person you thought he was and you need to accept that.
Make plans to move forward, live your life without him in the equation.
I would try to get therapy to sort out your feelings and stop you repeating this pattern in future relationships.

Op I'm so sorry you're clearly really upset, understandably, and I know there's a lot more than just the abortion comment, but are you sure he did say that to his gf? Could she be really trying to stick the knife in because she is now an ex, or has he admitted to saying that? It could be how he felt at the time but that may have changed once she was born?
That aside, I agree with everyone else, I wouldn't get involved in his drama, just keep contact to the bare minimum where it concerns your baby, you don't need any other relationship with him

Honestly I think a lot of men wish they hadn't had their children with ex girlfriends, once they have moved on. Don't take it personally or worry what he thinks or says about you now. Just focus on making the best life you can for you and your baby.

OP, he's an ex for a reason. He put his need to text other women secretly, before your relationship and child. So he is, and will always be, just one more selfish immature creep.

Stop expecting him to be decent. He isn't. Stop expecting any support from him. Treat him as a business contact - calm, polite, uninvolved, and move on with your life.

She's gotten rid of him, she has done sense.

You need to have some sense too a d have nothing further to do with him other than getting your child maintenance through the agency and getting him to step up as much as you can to coparent. Unfortunately, as the resident parent, all you can do is ask/push and he can do as much or as little as he likes.

I'd keep an email or separate phone did purely child related money and visits and co-parenting communication. Get him out if your life and head in every other way.

He's told what he is - both by his behaviour, by what he said to his new (now ex) gf and by what he confessed outright. He's not a decent person, even he knows it, and he told you that outright in a moment of honesty.

Doubt he'll change, with you or at all.

Also had he said he wanted you to have an abortion when you fell pregnant - maybe you would have listened to him & not have your son now

So it could be a blessing you didn’t know he felt that way, if it is actually true.

You seem shocked he never told you he felt that way, but had he told you this you don’t know how you would have reacted & you may not have the son you love now

So either way even if he feels this way it doesn’t actually matter

You only have to google “I regret parenthood” to know this is common

Also while having your son may have not affected him in the same way (eg PPD) that doesn’t mean the “drag” of parental / financial responsibility isn’t real.

It is a bit shortsighted to assume that just because becoming a father affected him differently to you becoming a mother that he has no right to feel this way

People are entitled to their feelings - if you didn’t involve his girlfriends or have him on social media you likely wouldn’t even know this

So to have them on your social media is just hurting yourself & you would be better off deleting/blocking to keep your own sanity.

Sorry it's probably not called the agency anymore since the name CSA was changed.

Another thing - do you not get any universal credit, could you get any?

Because if you do, you can claim 85% of childcare costs.

Sorry I meant 'he' not 'she'