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Original poster

Partner gave my key back during an argument

28 replies

kelzgel · 21/03/2021 01:07

We were disagreeing on a serious issue and DP was being really stubborn. DP began to tone police and this wound me up further so I asked them to leave as I was red hot and didn't want to blow.

This pissed DP off so they decided to throw down a key I'd given them before they left. I didn't ask for this and wouldn't have...

We weren't breaking up - this was clear, so I'm just confused/hurt that they gave my key back.

They've apologised but I'm still confused/hurt/in shock at the key being returned. Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 02:21

What caused such a volatile confrontation, to cause you asking him to leave and him calling the police Confused

maybe best to leave things as over for now 🌺

LiquoricePickle · 21/03/2021 02:25

@WisnaeMe I think that he was policing her tone, not calling the actual police, but nonetheless if it was bad enough to ask him to leave then I guess he was just overreacting out of anger?

Original poster
kelzgel · 21/03/2021 02:34

Yes, sorry he didn’t call the actual police - it wasn’t that bad!

He essentially didn’t like/agree with what I was saying so decided to focus on my “tone” (claimed I was shouting when I wasn’t to derail the conversation) which really riled me up.

Definitely overreacting out of anger re the key but it just seemed so weird/specific. People tend to give keys back when a relationship is over... it wasn’t thay serious, despite how peeved I was. He could’ve just left and slammed the door or something?

I don’t know. I think I need a good night’s kip!

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 02:40

[quote LiquoricePickle]@WisnaeMe I think that he was policing her tone, not calling the actual police, but nonetheless if it was bad enough to ask him to leave then I guess he was just overreacting out of anger?[/quote]
Oh lord I see 😳

sorry OP 🌺

Ijustreallywantacat · 21/03/2021 02:57

it wasn’t thay serious.

Kindly, it might be that serious to them.

gutful · 21/03/2021 03:17

You say you were disagreeing on a serious issue

He asked you to lower your tone & this “wound you up further” so you asked him to leave

It sounds like your argument & perhaps both your tones were angry

You have recently given him a key - then during the argument you ask him to leave.

There isn’t much point to having a key if you’re then asked to leave - so it sounds like him giving you back the key was him “winning” the argument after you had just thrown him out

Some people are able to fight & they will yell & not see issue. For others an aggressive yelling tone is intolerable.

We don’t know what the serious issue is, but you were arguing over something serious so by asking him to leave it does sound like in that moment you didn’t want him to have a key & access to your home.

You say the fight was serious issue, then go on to say it wasn’t serious.

Due to the lack of information it does sound like the fight just went too far & perhaps there was fault on both sides here.

Hard to know without more specifics about the fight & what was said (or yelled)

gutful · 21/03/2021 03:21

Also I will say if someone is arguing with you & their tone is confronting to you, is it “tone policing” to ask them to change their tone?

Does he often find fault with how you say things & your tone of voice?

Do you have a temper & do you raise your voice or speak aggressively?

Hard to tell if he was being out of order asking you to lower your tone. He could have been trying to deescalate the situation

If you were speaking aggressively & he asks you to lower your tone & your reaction is to kick him out of the house? Then it sounds like he was throwing the key back at you in frustration & had also become “wound up” by you.

You both wound each other up I feel. I find it odd that your telling of the story leaves out key details about what the argument was about & using terms like he “wound you up” does suggest you were in fact speaking in a tone that some may find intolerable.

Oblomov21 · 21/03/2021 04:08

You asked him to leave? It's your house? This means that he had no power and you've made him feel vulnerable. I wouldn't like it. It would do irreparable damage to my view of the relationship.

If it was that bad an argument, ideally you should leave. If you'd have said : I'm really cross so I'm just going to step away for a moment. I'm just gonna nip to ......Tesco. Then they hat changes the whole dynamic, significantly.

I'm not surprised he's pissed off. It would be game over for me too. I might not realise it at the time, but underneath huge damage would have been done. And then i wouldn't feel the same about the power in the relationship. It would die very slowly. Your argument may not seem big, but actually when you look at the power, it was actually a huge deal.

gutful · 21/03/2021 04:43

They let symbolises something - commitment, being free to let yourself into the home - it’s not quite moving in together but it’s kind of symbolic of this intention isn’t it?

So by kicking them out, what the key stood for is meaningless, because it can & will be revoked the moment you disagree. That’s not commitment.

If he was genuinely trying to deescalate the situation & by him asking you to lower your tone this “triggered” you & caused you to kick off more & chuck him out I can see why he might throw the key back in your face.

It’s possible he is a controlling bastard who is policing the OP’s tone when she wasn’t even raising her voice - but judging by her telling of this story I doubt that was the case

The fact she is so confused about this suggests a lack of insight about her own behaviour & what her tone actually sounded like.

gutful · 21/03/2021 04:43

Sorry the “key” symbolises something not the “let” !

jessstan2 · 21/03/2021 04:48

How many partners do you have? You keep saying 'they', sounds like more than one.

If he or she means it's over, at least you have your key back. It's very worrying for people when an ex still has the key. If it was just a row and a gesture but you make it up, you can let partner have their key again.

LivBa · 21/03/2021 06:28

@kelzgel Sounds like you have anger issue if you describe yourself as "red hot and ready to blow" to the point you asked him to leave. Confused I would be getting the heck out of that situation if I were him because people with tempers are horrible to live with and can be dangerous. I don't blame him for handing the key back.

There's arguments (which everyone has) but that level of anger is different and a red flag. You have no empathy if you can't understand what that could have been like for the person on the receiving end, and instead you're busy feeling sorry for yourself. He has no security if you could ask him to leave at any point when you have a temper flare up. Sounds like a break up would actually be best for both of you...

DianaT1969 · 21/03/2021 06:46

Isn't the question "I argued with my partner and got so angry that I felt I was going to explode, told him to get out, he did what I said, but now I want him back and for things to be normal again. Are they?"

bengalcat · 21/03/2021 06:50

I’d interpret a key being returned as a sign the relationship was over - at least for now .

Tangogolf55 · 21/03/2021 06:59

He’s done with the relationship.... sounds like you need to keep that key and not have him back.

gutful · 21/03/2021 07:26

The way I read it he/they (?) have apologised & wanting to put the right behind them but she is still in shock at the key being returned

You can’t kick someone out of your house & be shocked when they don’t want your house key or threw it back out of anger after trying to deescalate a situation & then being asked to leave

The Op sounded to use a term MN hates “Hysterical” - while she says it wasn’t that bad, it does sound like it was a bit of a scene

We still don’t know what the fight was about as OP hasn’t divulged...but according to her it wasn’t that bad anyway

I feel like she wanted to “win” the fight by kicking him out & is butthurt that he trumped her by chucking her key back in her face.

The thing is your behaviour has consequences & you can’t be spitting hot with anger & not expect some sort of fallout/reaction

It sounds like he has apologised but she can’t/won’t & is now going to use him throwing back the key as proof he has “wronged” her so she can ultimately win the fight. She wants him to grovel at returning the key.

This sounds like someone who fights to win, not fights to be understood or actually reach a peaceful conclusion

IMO

gutful · 21/03/2021 07:29

Her focus on is on her being in “shock” that he returned the key

But no insight or reflection into her own behaviour when it sounds like he was trying to reduce the volatility of the fight.

She didn’t want to be told to calm her voice down - she wanted to vent & lash out.

Now her focus is on her “shock” at what he did

Incredible lack of insight here

Whenever people are shady about the details & focus on their feelings I sense narcissism. It’s all about them & how hurt they feel, not what they did to the other person to be hurt

It sounds like he has apologised but she doesn’t want to apologise for her side, just focus on how mean he was for returning the key after she lost her shit at him about something she refuses to reveal.

DoItAnyway · 21/03/2021 08:26

Asking someone to leave spells the end of the relationship. What is surprising about being given your key? Is it that you see it as a useful way to end a disagreement as needed by you, and the return of your key was an indication they do not intend to tolerate this as a solution?

Are you previously used to asking a partner to leave without it being a big deal?
To some people it will be a huge deal.
It is done now, the only thing you can do is learn from it.

If you are in danger or being abused, by all means kick them out and take that key. It is not a step to be used lightly or regularly. You will be harming the entire stability of the relationship.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/03/2021 08:50

We were disagreeing on a serious issue and DP was being really stubborn

I think without the context of this, it's really hard to say whether his, or your, actions were justified or not.

I have been called "stubborn" before when I've refused to change my opinion to someone else's liking.

Perhaps this argument has exposed that there's a fundamental mis-match here?

Josette77 · 21/03/2021 13:47

A temper is a deal-breaker for me after my abusive ex-husband. Sounds like he feels the same.

Original poster
kelzgel · 21/03/2021 13:59

Ok just to wrap this up:

I was deliberately vague so as not to out myself on MN.

I'm not a narc and I don't have a temper.

I have never been in a volatile/potentially violent situation with DP but I'm sure any woman would be pissed off to the hills if their partner repeatedly trivialises an extremely serious issue that affects women.

DP has since apologised for the above (after leaving) because he knows he was bang out of order to do this (especially as we've had similar conversations where he's done this before).

I also apologised for how "asking him to leave" may have made him feel. It had nothing to do with wanting to "one up him" but moreso to do with wanting space to calm down.
Beyond that, I have nothing to apologise for.

OP posts:
Original poster
kelzgel · 21/03/2021 14:01

Bang out of order to spew misogynistic nonsense*
I should add.

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 14:11

Is there just one of him or was someone else there to throw a key at you?

If he's a misogynist then I'd be getting rid tbh anyway

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/03/2021 14:12

Sorry but if he 'spews misogynist nonsense' why on earth do you want anything to do with him at all?!

RantyAnty · 21/03/2021 14:41

What was the issue he is trivialising?
What did he say?

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