Online dating and telling the truth

[superwoman232]

I joined an app, and "met" someone. We've chatted. My profile says I have a kid but he's not brought it up. We plan to meet up next week but I've not said I'm still in the divorce process and living (in separate rooms) with my soon to be ex. What is the etiquette here? It could be we meet and are like ew this won't go anywhere so what's the point of delving into it. I do plan to tell him if we hit it off in person though. What would you do?

Meet him and if you feel you click, mention it.

If you reversed the situation, would you want to know?

@KirstenBlest thank you. Yes of course and I would always say on the first date but I didn't know if I should say before the date - just because if we don't click I will have told him my sob complicated life story for no reason only to never see him again.

I also put on my profile that I have children so straight away they know if they want to match or not, in the past I'm not currently dating. In the chatting stage before meeting up I like to explain a bit about my situation and I like to hear a bit about them before meeting up just so we basically know what stage in life we are at and if we are looking for the same thing, potential relationship etc.
You don't have to go into much detail to make it sound like it's all a burden go through a divorce, also explain your aspirations and what you are looking forward to so they have confidence that you are moving on with life. I think some men can get scared that you'll run back to the ex, just be clear you are over the ex.

Chances are you will explain your situation with a few you don't click with so just keep it brief.

You did put in the OP I do plan to tell him if we hit it off in person though.

It's probably best to be honest. Bear in mind that clicking in messages isn't a guarantee that he'll be nice.

You come across as being lovely, and seensome's advice is good.

I'd be honest. Imagine if you were speaking to someone and you found out down the line they were still living with their ex.

There is a reason that they recommend waiting until you are separated (I wouldn't say you are separated if you are still living in the same house) or divorced to meet someone else.

I would cut it off and wait until it's finalised before starting something new.

I'd be honest before even meeting. I was talking to a guy who ended up still living with his ex - he was honest and upfront but it did put me off and we stopped talking soon after I found out. This isn't to say your match would be put off - but I do think it's important to mention.

Wow I would tell them before meeting, imagine a man did this, no I think it’s misleading as I wouldn’t even meet up with a guy who was still living with his ex.

I honestly think it's fine to wait til the first date. I don't consider it dishonest or misleading to not mention it before... it's not like meeting for a first date is Corning anyone into marriage and life long commitment! Mention it on date 1 and if it's a no go for him then you just don't get a second date do you, no harm done

@Givemeabreak88 I think it depends what you are meeting up for. If someone is looking for marriage and has said so then yes I think it is misleading as they are clearly looking for a big commitment. If someone is just saying they want to see how it goes then I feel like you owe them less? Tbh if I man did it I wouldn't mind unless I had specifically said I want something serious and long term.

Hmm.
I’d to it before. I wouldn’t date a woman still living with her ex. Far to complicated and I’d feel we’d been wasting each others time.

He may not be bothered but if you meet and really like him but its a deal breaker for him then thats not great for you.

I think the thing for me is I’m looking for a serious relationship, I guess if you are after something casual then that’s different

OP I have been in your situation. Just mention it when u meet if you like him. You can always focus on being friends first if it’s a big deal for him.

I've not said I'm still in the divorce process and living (in separate rooms) with my soon to be ex

That's a pretty big thing not to disclose before the first date and I'm surprised you are not waiting until you leave before dating. I know what Mumsneters would say if the tables were turned here and if the woman turned up to a date where he revealed he was still living with ex.

As a guy I think I would prefer to know beforehand. He doesn't know you other than a few messages. Knowing the situation he can make an informed decision as to whether or not to proceed.
Would it put me off? Probably not but its not ideal. All kinds of scenarios can materialise in ones head. Do they still sleep together, go shopping together, cooking & cleaning etc.
The problem starts when you decide you like each other and move towards becoming exclusive. I can't imagine any man or women not feeling easy about the situation.

@Marineboy67 well what if I told you I had a non molestation order against him and agreed to undertakings and we are not allowed to communicate other than by text on specific matters eg household and child. And yes we sleep in separate rooms, cook separately, don't interact

I think you should tell him before meeting up. It's unfair not to imo. I've been in the position of not being told and it did put me off. It makes things far too complicated.

In my case, they were living in the family house and couldn't change that until it was sold (and then would buy two smaller properties). He wasnt exactly in a hurry because he had a great relationship with his kids and knew he'd see less of them.

Dating would've been strange/him always coming to me and I just had a feeling that as soon he'd divorced, he'd tell me that he no longer wanted to date as he wanted to focus on his 'new life' with his kids and enjoy being single!

Life is too short.

Sorry, I've just read your update and whilst I feel for you, I agree with the pp. I would run away very quickly. It is far too complicated and I think you should wait until you've divorced/moved out.

Honestly?
Every "I'm still living with my ex" when I was dating was actually still in a relationship.
I'd be very upfront from the start.

Sorry op but I wouldn’t date someone in your situation. Your update makes it even worse, I’d be wondering what I’d be getting myself into. It’s definitely something that should be mentioned before the date

Your update does unfortunately make things worse from any prospective dates point of view.
One would naturally worry about your well being in that situation living in the same property with someone you have an anti molestation order against.
When your soon to be ex partner discovers your dating someone things could become a whole lot worse for you and your children.
Not the advice you want to hear but for your own sake it's probably in your best interests to avoid dating until your living separately.

OP, given your update, is it in your best interests to date right now? Things sound very difficult and complicated. Is it wise to throw something else in the mix?

Are you a supermodel or similar v desirable catch ie trust fund heiress?

If not, I’m very envious of your confidence that you have something beneficial to bring to a relationship with all this drama going on in your life.

Think you really need to wait until all this is over. What type of person is going to want to get involved in this, and are they the type of person you’d want in your life?

Guys - I don't want a relationship. I want a shag and some intimacy. Jesus. He hasn't exactly said he wants a relationship either but I'm still wondering what the right approach is