Page 2 | Online dating and telling the truth

superwoman232 · 2021-03-20T20:10:44+00:00

I joined an app, and "met" someone. We've chatted. My profile says I have a kid but he's not brought it up. We plan to meet up next week but I've not said I'm still in the divorce process and living (in separate rooms) with my soon to be ex. What is the etiquette here? It could be we meet and are like ew this won't go anywhere so what's the point of delving into it. I do plan to tell him if we hit it off in person though. What would you do?

Midtowngirl · 21/03/2021 11:31

Have you said you’re not looking for anything serious? Just some fun. I’d probably just say that and it’s obvious then what you’re after and he can decline if he’s looking for a relationship

Marineboy67 · 21/03/2021 11:34

If that's all you want just join a swingers site or a hook up site. There's plenty of those that are available. No one's interested in your domestic situation if you just want a quick cuddle and a fuck.
Would have been easier to have stated that in the first place.

Grandslam21 · 21/03/2021 11:35

Then you need to go on hook up sites, not dating sites

gutful · 21/03/2021 11:41

Yeah this is just want single people want & need

Another married person on a dating app using us to distract from the shit show that is their reality

You are still married living in the same house as your ex

Yes people you date should have a right to know this before spending time & possibly money to meet up with you

Will you inform them? Likely not as your need to feel some excitement in your life will likely trump your date’s feelings

I mean you deserve this night out & to feel special, right?

Doesn’t matter what the single person wants or deserves - they are there to simply facilitate you to feel good about yourself

You go for it girl!

Cue massive eye roll

Can you imagine how shortchanged you would feel getting all dolled up for a date only for them to tell you they are still married & living with their ex?

What a waste of a night out you could have had with your mates, or even pottering around doing nothing could have been more productive

Split up then date love - single people aren’t just there to make you feel good. Instead of going on a date look at rentals to move into

Unless you just want to get laid in which case go for it but make this clear on your messages prior to meeting that a shag is all they will be good for

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 21/03/2021 11:53

I was separated but still living with my ex. I didn't put it in my profile but did explain when I met in person. I told them they'd be welcome to come round and meet my ex and could see for themselves that it was all cool. It didn't put one single guy off. Yes it depends what they are looking for, casual, see how it goes.
However, it sounds like your situation is volatile and you might only attract ONS's. They might say, no problem, just to get their leg over, then run or you might meet someone in a similar situation who is more understanding. You won't know until you try.

Opentooffers · 21/03/2021 11:56

Forget it, no way should you be thinking of this. We all mostly have urges and wants, but it's not like you will die without it for a while. If you are in the UK, you are also breaking lockdown rules and putting everyone in you household at risk. Anyone who is up for a casual shag and intimacy right now is likely just as lax about restrictions with other people, so high risk generally, not whose to expose your family to that. If not in UK, you still need to sort your home situation out as no decent person with self-respect would touch this with a barge pole, so you will just end up with the dregs that will go there regardless. Really should not be a priority in your life right now.

TheWaif · 21/03/2021 12:05

Why have you mentioned kids in your profile if you're just looking for a shag and not a relationship? That doesn't add up in the slightest.

If you're looking for a very casual relationship even then there is absolutely no need to mention you have kids. That's really misleading and implies you're looking for a relationship.

If you're looking for a relationship then you absolutely need to tell them you're still living with your husband, else is a massive waste of everyone's time.

Midtowngirl · 21/03/2021 12:17

@DancesWithCatsnDogs

I was separated but still living with my ex. I didn't put it in my profile but did explain when I met in person. I told them they'd be welcome to come round and meet my ex and could see for themselves that it was all cool. It didn't put one single guy off. Yes it depends what they are looking for, casual, see how it goes. However, it sounds like your situation is volatile and you might only attract ONS's. They might say, no problem, just to get their leg over, then run or you might meet someone in a similar situation who is more understanding. You won't know until you try.

I have to agree with this

Midtowngirl · 21/03/2021 12:18

@gutful

Yeah this is just want single people want & need

Another married person on a dating app using us to distract from the shit show that is their reality

You are still married living in the same house as your ex

Yes people you date should have a right to know this before spending time & possibly money to meet up with you

Will you inform them? Likely not as your need to feel some excitement in your life will likely trump your date’s feelings

I mean you deserve this night out & to feel special, right?

Doesn’t matter what the single person wants or deserves - they are there to simply facilitate you to feel good about yourself

You go for it girl!

Cue massive eye roll

Can you imagine how shortchanged you would feel getting all dolled up for a date only for them to tell you they are still married & living with their ex?

What a waste of a night out you could have had with your mates, or even pottering around doing nothing could have been more productive

Split up then date love - single people aren’t just there to make you feel good. Instead of going on a date look at rentals to move into

Unless you just want to get laid in which case go for it but make this clear on your messages prior to meeting that a shag is all they will be good for

Sorry I meant I agree with this post

wobblywinelover · 21/03/2021 17:54

Just tell him the truth, why is it so difficult? Tell them the truth from the outset and stop deceiving people. Okay so you might only want a shag and he probably only wants the same thing, but there's still a chance that he might be looking for something more. You should always be honest about your circumstances otherwise it's manipulative and deceptive. There's never any justification for it. This sort of behaviour from both men and women really annoys me and is very very selfish and hurtful to the other person when they find out they've been messaging someone who is holding things back. For heaven's sake where have people's morals gone.

optimistic40 · 21/03/2021 17:58

She said a shag and some intimacy. So that's fine for dating. Plus she planning to tell him on the first date if they hit it off. All sounds fine to me. You do not need to blast out your personal situation to anyone online, OP.

writergirl747474 · 22/03/2021 00:05

What if he is still living with his ex and he hasn't told you? Where will you go for sex if both of you have an ex at home?

Maze76 · 22/03/2021 02:11

Why are people being so mean?!
I am in exactly the same position as OP, my marriage is DEAD, but due to the current situation we have to share the home while it’s on the market. There are SO many people in exactly the same position, and the majority of guys I have explained this to get it and actually know people in the same position.
Op, go on the date, explain your circumstances and let him decide if he wants to see you again. It’s only the first date, it’s not a lifetime commitment!

gutful · 22/03/2021 03:47

@Maze76 Some people are not going to care, obviously. They will be wanting a hookup & some strings-free fun

Some people will care because they are looking for someone to date

I don't think that this absolves someone of being truthful & upfront. Because while there are the married/cheater/hornbags on dating apps there are still genuine people out there & I don't think it is ok to let someone down or hurt their feelings just because the thrill of going on a date night is more important to you than honesty.

I think it depends on the types of conversations you've had online with your potential dates

There will be the ones who make it known they are after sex, because likely the topic of something sexual /saucy will come up in messaging before you've ever met them - of course in this situation I don't think that type of person will give two hoots if you're married or cheating. They are "DTF" as the kids call it (down to f..... ergh). They will go straight for asking you out to drink & it usually ends up at their house (I watch my housemate do this 3 times a week)

Now there are other people who are using these apps who are still genuine people. It's not all trolls, turds & toey people on there. These are the people who will try to engage you in a genuine conversation, not discuss sex - perhaps they will ask you out for a coffee, possibly dinner if they are quite traditional

I don't think it is OK to lie to someone like that who has asked you out on a real date & not tell them you're still married living with your spouse. This whole "separated under one roof" is rarely as clear cut as that & often involves unfinished business & enmeshment. Not always, but it's not a great look for a first date.

I just want you to imagine if you were going out on a date with someone you thought was single & during the date they reveal this - would you not feel like they could have let you know earlier? It's just a shitty thing to do to a nice person. It makes you look selfish because having a night out & an excuse to dress up was more important than basic courtesy & honesty.

Your marriage might be dead & that's great you have been able to start the process of splitting up - but this doesn't mean your feelings of excitement to get back on the dating scene trump the feelings of your date.

If you think they seem like a genuine, polite person - do them the politeness of being honest before wasting their evening on you.

gutful · 22/03/2021 03:49

I mean you have to have literally zero respect or care for your date's feelings or whether or not THEY had a good time with you to not share this information

This is why people are wary of dating apps - so many liars & people with skeletons in their closet. You can present as anyone you want - like a single free woman, when in reality you're still married & living with your husband!

Suzi888 · 22/03/2021 04:05

I don’t think you should be dating. Why don’t you just put the brakes on until he’s gone.
If you both hit it off, “oh by the way I still live with my ex” could be a massive deal breaker! Total waste of time.
If I went out with someone who dropped this into conversation, it’d be my last date.

Have you actually divorced? Dating could affect any divorce proceedings couldn’t it.... not sure but very messy!

gutful · 22/03/2021 04:13

Because they've been stuck in dissatisfying marriages & been hearing how exciting Tinder is & want a slice of the pie. They can't wait till they are ready to date....they want to have fun NOW! Screw anybody else's feelings! They are bored, lonely & hurting.

This is why you have to be so careful on dating apps - people presenting as one way, but they aren't who they say they are

At least some cheaters/poly people will advise wanting "discreet fun" on their profile

Midtowngirl · 22/03/2021 07:44

[quote gutful]@Maze76 Some people are not going to care, obviously. They will be wanting a hookup & some strings-free fun