If your DH/DP admitted they weren't attracted to you anymore, how did they act?

[zeroforeplay]

I'd appreciate if anyone who's been through this kind of issue could tell me the signs that you experienced if your SO eventually said they not attracted?

Sorry for long title. I just feel like I've reached the end with DP.

Together 16 years. The past 3 years at least our sex life has consisted of me giving him oral once a fortnight, and sex once or twice a week which consists of him literally just rolling me over and pumping away. The odd grope during.

Absolutely zero foreplay.

It wasn't always like this, we used to have a good sex life.

I've changed in appearance, but so has he.

I've had this out with him must be hundreds of times, he says "I'll make more effort" but nothing changes.

I've asked til I'm blue in the face are you not as attracted to me? Is there something wrong?

I'm ashamed to say I've checked his internet and phone. Just because he refuses to discuss it and gets annoyed when I bring it up. No porn I can see. No other woman. No E.D or P.E issues either.

His 'reasons' vary from -

"I just like doing it like that sometimes" What, every. single. time?

"It's just who I am" .. but not for the first over a decade?

"I'm a different person now"

"It's just getting comfortable with someone"

Or defensiveness.

He does make very slight comments on my changed appearance, which makes me think he doesn't fancy me anymore but is not wanting to give up other aspects of the relationship ie home, DC, companionship, we get on amazingly otherwise.

I can't live with the rejection any more. I feel so insecure in myself.

I've told him he needs to be honest or I'm done.

Sounds tough OP. How old are the DC? Any work stresses? What would happen if you instigated the sort of sex you actually wanted?

I would expect things to change that far in. It might be simply that he's comfortable. You're not though. Are you willing to give up your marriage over this incompatibility? Tough question to answer I know!

Have you told him you get nothing from being treated like a receptacle?

That it's one-sided and selfish.

You might try insisting you get pleased first before he does. No bjs for him or sex with nothing in return.

Stop giving him oral for starters!

@IfIHadAHeart DC are 15 and 11. No work stress. If I instigated he'd go along with it I think, but he'd never instigate anything other than the morning roll over and stick it in. Ever. I've asked til I'm blue in the face.

@sleveen I suppose it's at the stage that I'm so hurt about it on a regular basis that I can't go on like that and stay sane.

I should have said in OP, I have changed in the sense that I have lost my hair. He has 'just' changed in the sense that he has gained a middle aged belly and wrinkles etc. He says he isn't bothered about my lack of hair, but the timelines coincide and he makes little comments.

OP is it possible that you’re projecting your insecurities of your hair loss on him?

It doesn’t sound like he finds you unattractive, because you’re still having sex. It just sounds like the excitement has gone, but that doesn’t necessarily correlate with attraction or lack there of.

It does sound very perfunctory and like he's basically using you for his orgasm.

Do you get off at all? Honestly, I'd stop having sex with him as he's getting enough for himself and doing bugger all for you, and tell him why.

Did you post about him before? The hair loss does sound very familiar.

@autumnalrain I do wonder if I'm projecting, but I'm not sure, because he does make comments about my hair loss. Like today I wore a hat as it's 8 degrees where we are. He commented why are you dressing like winter it's like you are hiding away, yet when I wear my wig he comments that it's not completely natural. He says it doesn't bother him but I think it does.

@category12 I sometimes orgasm from penetration. At certain times of the month when it's faster and easier. Probably about 1 in 5/6 times, which is why I still bother doing it. That's just from the in out and friction though, he barely touches me anywhere during (holds hips maybe), he'd never touch me unless asked.

@ElspethFlashman No I've not posted about this. Hair loss isn't that uncommon.

Hair loss must be awful for you. Is there any treatment for it?

I read an article recently about Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud fame who has terminal cancer. She has decided against further treatment as she doesn't want to lose her hair. I can see the logic. It's that important to us.

www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/sarah-harding-refuses-radiotherapy-keep-23707575

In searching for that article, some things came up about treatment for hair loss though I didn't click into them. Have you looked into that sort of thing or are you comfortable with the wigs? I imagine they'd get hot at times, or maybe they have good things nowadays.

If you feel more confident in your looks, you will feel empowered to request what you actually want. That might incidentally involve you moving on from your DH! It might not, ask anyone married for a long time and they will tell you that their marriage went through bad patches. This might be just you entering a new stage in your marriage.

Have you considered getting a buzzcut? After my dreadlocks gave tension alopecia I buzzed my hair/bleached it white & have kept it to #1 like this for over a year now....have also experimented with razoring it down to bald for fun - it feels empowering & playing up your features with makeup is a whole lot more enjoyable / quick when you don’t have to worry about styling your hair!

Being bald helped me focus on improving other features of my face eg: eyebrow shape, learning to improve makeup techniques, etc. I finally put effort into finding a foundation which matched my skin tone as you don’t have hair to hide behind!

So overall feel my looks have improved since being bald, as it helps you embrace & enhance your other features & have more time to do so without the hassle of hair.

having straggly hair that is balding isn’t a good look for anyone - male or female. We all know that bloke who is losing his hair & living in denial & they always would look better shaving off the straggles & being proud of their baldness!

Bald is beautiful. I say start owning your appearance & taking pride in it, because you sound like you’re hiding from the world

Am confused what his issue with wigs is though...so he doesn’t like when you wear the wig as it’s not “natural”? I must say that sounds pretty shit & tend to find men who bleat on about “natural” beauty still want women to wear makeup & do things which are “unnatural”

They tend to be traditional & a bit sexist.

Is it possible he doesn’t like when you wear the wig as you give off too much confidence? Am struggling to understand why he would begrudge you wearing a wig

I do think that having balding hair should be sorted out & not left to be all wispy. But that is because I personally dislike that look as no matter how much you try it will always look dishevelled, unhealthy & straggly

Give me a bald bold woman any day of the week!

There are some wonderful instagrams dedicated to bald/buzzcut women

I am incredibly bias as life feels amazing with no hair so am always encouraging other women to take the plunge & buzz their hair off.

Then you can wear wigs purely for fun & shock value rather than feel you have to hide behind them.

Just saying that being bald can make you feel incredibly freeing, feminine & beautiful so urge you to try it if you hate your hair & it’s a source of anguish for you

You don’t need your hair, just society telling you that women must have hair to be feminine - it’s untrue & once you do it to yourself it’s funny how many women around you will spot who also rock this look

Then maybe glam earrings, or lipstick could be your signature “look” once you don’t have the hair keeping you back

Also if you don’t find yourself attractive it is unreasonable to expect anyone else to. If you feel dowdy or ugly, why is it unreasonable for your partner to feel the same?

You seem insecure & lack confidence so this will affect both how you see yourself + how others see you

Why are you carrying on giving him blow jobs when he’s not reciprocating? Why even bother having sex with him when he’s just using you as a sex doll?

He sounds disrespectful and thoughtless

I prefer wigs and hats.

I think my hair loss does bother him but he would never admit that lest he be seen as 'shallow'.

We had a huge row yesterday about the sex issue. He isn't talking to me now.

I've thought about it a lot since yesterday and I think I've worked out what is causing it. I think it's a combination of things.

Him being less attracted to me because of my hair loss. He's not completely unattracted I don't think, just less so. I'm quite sure of this because of the little comments he makes, sadly.

Him just being comfortable in the relationship, we've been together a long time.

There was a time when I first lost my hair that I'd freeze during sex, I wouldn't let him touch me anywhere I felt so unattractive, and I pushed him away a lot. If we did foreplay and he lost his erection I'd get upset thinking it was me rather than just his age. I think that's when it started to get rushed and I wasn't bothered about my pleasure I'd just say "it's ok" if I didn't finish. It became fraught, and the only way to do it was quickies without any focus on me.

I think it's a combination of the above.

But how to fix it.. I'm angry and I resent that he's doing nothing to reflect or think about this, he's watching sport and laughing right now..

So what do you want OP? Is it more passionate sex, for him to say he is attracted to you & unbothered by the hair loss?

How can he fix how you’re feeling ?

Well first of all, stop just rolling over and let him pump away! And stop the weekly blowjobs if you dont want to do them. You have to take responsibility for speaking up for what you would like sex to be like, and making that happen. What happens if when you're lying down you pull him on top of you? Or get on top of him? What happens if you ask him to go down on you or give you some foreplay? Stop being a martyr and lying there being used as a wank sock, it's not pleasurable for you and makes you feel like shit so stop doing it.

@gutful

I think I'd actually like him to acknowledge he's a bit less attracted to me because of my hair loss. To get the elephant out of the room so to speak!!

Yes, I'd like sex to change. For a couple of years it's literally been no foreplay just straight into it. It makes me feel so insecure and unwanted that I've asked and asked for more but he never does it.

@Kittykat93

I want him to actually want me though, not have to be asked every time. He'd do it if I asked, definitely, but that's because he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I want him to actually desire to. That's the difference.

You want him to desire you - do you feel desirable?

You say you want him to tell you he is less attracted to you because of your hair loss - it sounds like he loves you & wouldn’t want to say this to you. Am unsure what this would do to help your sex life?

You want him to admit he isn’t attracted to you but also want him to desire you

It sounds quite unclear as to what you want from him & how he can realistically feel things about you that you don’t feel about yourself

But op you're still not saying why you're letting him do it?? Why are you letting him flip you over and pump away, why are you giving him blowjobs every week when you get nothing pleasurable in return, just why??

It might be something to do with his age. How old is he? The testosterone level gets less as men get older. How about introducing a few toys? Ask him to use them on you. That would give him something to think about.

Just tell him your sex life is shit. He is now a terrible lover and you need the bar raised. Get some power back.

Part of that is communicating effectively. He needs to know that he has to. You have both lost the connection. Talk about how the lack of foreplay and fun makes you feel used and as your husband you want to work with him to fix it.

But i certainly wouldn't shag him again until you have both listened to each other about your needs