If your DH/DP admitted they weren't attracted to you anymore, how did they act?

[zeroforeplay]

I'd appreciate if anyone who's been through this kind of issue could tell me the signs that you experienced if your SO eventually said they not attracted?

Sorry for long title. I just feel like I've reached the end with DP.

Together 16 years. The past 3 years at least our sex life has consisted of me giving him oral once a fortnight, and sex once or twice a week which consists of him literally just rolling me over and pumping away. The odd grope during.

Absolutely zero foreplay.

It wasn't always like this, we used to have a good sex life.

I've changed in appearance, but so has he.

I've had this out with him must be hundreds of times, he says "I'll make more effort" but nothing changes.

I've asked til I'm blue in the face are you not as attracted to me? Is there something wrong?

I'm ashamed to say I've checked his internet and phone. Just because he refuses to discuss it and gets annoyed when I bring it up. No porn I can see. No other woman. No E.D or P.E issues either.

His 'reasons' vary from -

"I just like doing it like that sometimes" What, every. single. time?

"It's just who I am" .. but not for the first over a decade?

"I'm a different person now"

"It's just getting comfortable with someone"

Or defensiveness.

He does make very slight comments on my changed appearance, which makes me think he doesn't fancy me anymore but is not wanting to give up other aspects of the relationship ie home, DC, companionship, we get on amazingly otherwise.

I can't live with the rejection any more. I feel so insecure in myself.

I've told him he needs to be honest or I'm done.

Stop giving him blowjobs. It’s like rewarding a dog for pissing on the sofa....they are gonna keep pissing because you’re rewarding them.

What on earth does he think you get out of sex, the way it is now? Does he truly think that it's good for you?

Sex is partly about attraction though. If he isn't attracted then what would you do? I think that I would stop reciprocating with blow job's. You say you want him to desire you. Again wanting it to be so doesn't make it that way. Either you have a sexual relationship or you don't. If you ultimately then decide this is a red line for you then you will need to split.

Well, he must think it's good enough, as it keeps happening. OP said earlier she orgasms about 1 in 6 times and that's why she keeps doing it.

I think the best bet is to stop blowjobs and if/when he initiates sex, say no unless there's some effort put in. Currently he gets it all his own lazy way.

@gutful I do feel desirable to some extent. I am insecure about my hair loss and my belly stretch marks, but I can see how I could be desirable overall. I have a 'nice' body and men do look at me. It makes me so sad that the person I love seems to see me as a comfort blanket with a vagina attached.

I do want him to admit my hair loss puts him off a bit. I guess to clear the air and get it out in the open. But yes, he wouldn't say it to spare my feelings.

@Singlenotsingle He's late 40s, I am 33.

Again wanting it to be so doesn't make it that way. Either you have a sexual relationship or you don't
Yes it's this basically. He loves me, isn't completely repulsed by my hair loss but is less attracted. He wants to stay together but only wants very perfunctory sex. I want more and that makes me sad.

To those saying I should tell him what to do, the point is that I'll only enjoy it if he wants to, I don't want to force him to interact with me.

OP - I think there is a lot of accepting yourself that you need to do and not put it on him.
You keep saying that you want him to tell you he finds you with your hair less attractive , saying that it’s to ‘clear the air’....
However - if he did say that - there is no turning back. Given how you are sounding - it’ll only make everything much harder for you. You’ll assume everything he does has a different motivation, etc. It’ll be a torture and only lead one way.....
And all of that is because you are struggling with accepting yourself.

I am sorry your hair loss happened. I can’t really imagine how it feels. But it is part of who you are now, and you can’t change it. It’s like other inevitable things we face - getting older, wrinkles, putting on weight after children....
All of it, objectively, makes us less attractive. But talking about it and shining the light on that isn’t helpful in a relationship.

That said - your other concern is more practical. And that is about your sex life.
That bit absolutely needs addressing and fixing. Not in a way of arguing though. And not in a way of you sitting back and waiting for him to ‘desire’ you in a certain way.
I think you are being unfair and unrealistic here.

A lot of your insecurities lead to why your sex life evolved into what it is now. So - you also have a role in fixing it. You need to just stop rolling over and direct him to what you want happen. And eventually a new routine can evolve.
But it takes time. Breaking habit takes a while.

I'm not sure his behaviour is due to reduced attraction. It sounds more like 1) laziness, 2) learned from when you wouldnt let him touch you and 3) goes unchallenged. I wouldnt expect him to "want to " change it, not cause of a lack of attraction but because this minimal approach to sex works just fine for him!

I think you need to be explicit. That sex has got a bit crap, that you need to be touched and stroked all over, that you want x act done and are not happy with sex that is just as it stands

Yes, but I don't want him just doing things because I ask him to. I want him to want to.

I naively thought we'd never have any sex problems. Silly I know. We had such a strong connection for many years.

@TheDaydreamBelievers It doesn't go unchallenged. I have asked and asked. That's what makes me think he isn't attracted to me anymore. If he was, surely he'd take heed and change?? The fact he isn't suggests to me he can't do it cause he's not attracted.

I've not asked him during sex though.

Bumping incase anyone has any more advice.

Thank you for all the advice so far. I'm struggling after the big row and he is still ignoring me so this is helping.

Well I asked about your hair & was the bald/buzzcut poster but you seemed to brush it off & not want to discuss it

You say you prefer wigs & hats (I love both too! )

Are you wearing a wig In the bedroom? You mentioned he doesn’t seem to like wigs or something? He said it wasn’t natural? So that seems odd he would be less attracted to the balding but not like your wig

Is it well fitting?

I am curious to understand just how bald you are & if your hair is straggly & wispy as this can make you look a lot older than you are. It does with men too

We all know that bloke who would look so great with a shaved head but persists with trying to pretend they aren’t bald & grows their hair long

You also say that other men seem to be checking you out & you have a banging body!

So personally am confused about how much your baldness is noticeable & how much is a psychological impact to you

Have you considered visiting any alopecia you tubers or forums?

How can we get you to embrace your baldness. I bet you have a beautiful face & features!

Am not saying ditch the wig if you love it - but are you hanging on to the last bits of your hair in a denial like form of limbo?

I am not a believer in “woo” but when shaved my head felt all this negative energy literally leave my body & life. Maybe it was the excitement of surprising people. Dad started calling me “son” - it was quite a fun time !

Of course I chose my baldness (to an extent - the tension alopecia left a sizeable bald spot ) so am not suggesting my situation is the same as yours.

But the second I saw a patch of bald the instinct to shave off the hair I have hidden behind my whole life was very strong.

Like my hair felt foreign all of a sudden & the impulse to be bare took over

I just feel sad for you feeling so down this way. It bloody sucks that women have been socially conditioned that our hair is a “thing”

Again I really urge you to consider what would be the worst outcome if you shaved your head. Just think about it

It would make wearing wigs easier no?

I will say that when you’re bald wearing hats does make me feel like a boy or cancer patient look now & I love hats!

But don’t have a wig at the moment. I used to love my hat collection though & be known for my array of hats !

When get a new wig will definitely wear more hats again

I basically Amber rose’d myself & copied her style

Find a strong empowering female to inspire you to help give confidence

@gutful I'm sorry, I did read your post. I suppose I brushed over it because it's a sore point for me that every way I deal with my alopecia he seems to have a problem with, meanwhile he maintains he completely accepts me and it's me who has the problem. Seems passive aggressive to me.

Re my hair. I do still have a lot of my own hair, but I do have noticeable patches and people stare. I'm not at the stage where it's straggly (yet) as it was thick to begin with. I know what you mean though about the straggly look, and I'll definitely get the buzz cut at that point.

It started 4 years ago and it's gradual I think as in the tiny patches very gradually spread, sometimes stop for a while.

If it is weather cool enough to wear a hat, I wear a hat.

If it's not cool enough weather I wear a head band (big patch at front) and I have one of those clip in ponytails.

I go through phases of wearing the topper or a full wig (own hair in wig cap) just on their own. I'm paranoid people can tell though. I think some can but not all. It's pretty natural (and expensive unfortunately).

He makes comments about hiding if I wear the hat in warmer weather, he makes comments that I look better without the headband, he makes comments about the wigs not being 'natural'. It's subtle comments and not often, but I hate it.

I really do not have the facial features that I'd feel comfortable going without a wig. The headband is a bit like that, it draws my face. I've small eyes and a large chin. I do have a small head.

I'm on the Facebook group I find it amazingly helpful.

Have you told him how the comments make you feel? That is really, really important I think. He needs to understand the impact this has on your self esteem. Do it from a place of calm, honest, vulnerability though would be my advice if you can.
On the sex thing, you've got into this negative circle by the sounds of it where he wants to just have a quickie in case he loses his erection and you want much more but won't say because you want him to instigate it which he won't in case he loses his erection. What you need to do is communicate, really, really talk honestly about it all. Not accusing each other or blaming each other but only talking about how you feel about yourself and what you would like or need, and get him to say how he feels about himself and what he would like to happen.

Communication is absolutely key and if you can do it in a caring way where you're both listening and understanding and respecting the vulnerability of the other person hopefully you can really solve this.

You might find that everything he does isnt because he isn't attracted to you at all. The comments he makes he might think what he's saying is 'you're beautiful without the wig or hat' but you're hearing 'I don't like you in the wig or hat because I think you're unattractive'. He might be having quicky sex because if he loses his erection you'll feel unattractive and he's terrified of that happening, but you're seeing it as he only wants quicky sex with you because he thinks you're unattractive. This is why clear communication is so, so important xxxx

@Tal45 Yes he knows how the comments make me feel. I've cried after them before.

Yeah it's a negative cycle. I do sense he is less attracted to me cause of my hair, but not enough so to want to leave. It's a pattern that started when I used to push him away I think as well. If he lost his erection then I used to get upset. I now realise that was wrong but at the beginning of my hair loss it was all consuming.

I'd love good communication, but we don't communicate well in many ways. I tend to over react emotionally (I think I've some BPD traits) and he shuts down for ages if he feels blamed in any way. Even if he doesn't feel blamed, he refuses much communication. It's going to be really difficult to unravel this or fix it.