Tired of DHs behaviour

[itbereet]

Hi all,

Very long ramble!

I lost my temper today, slamming doors and everything. A complete teenage tantrum at the grand old age of 49.

My DH (stands for dickhead today) is very particular about things. I live my life ensuring that nothing gets broken or marked as he flips his lid. The kids are also aware but luckily take after me and just ignore him, rib him a bit about it and move on.

At one point in our relationship,, it did nearly split us up. The kids were really young and lots of things happened. One of them was that we had a chimney fire, he was at work and I'm used to chimney fires but I couldn't put it out so had to call the fire service and evacuated me and the kids. He came home furious, started shouting at me that who was going to pay for the carpet, it had very slight burns, that I'd embarrassed him. Never once checked or asked if we were okay.

He's ruined a Mother's Day by shouting at me as there was some wax from a candle on the hearth. Me and the kids just left and had a great time while he cleaned and obsessed over this small wax mark. (Not all these are related to fire! )

Today, we were cleaning the house and he noticed that some tulips had leaked some green liquid onto the window sill. I've never had flowers do this before. I don't have lilys in the house as he can't cope with the fact that they might stain things even though they are my favourite flowers!

Previously, some house plants had left rings on the window sills. Cut freak out! So my heart sank as he started going on about nice things being ruined etc and bringing all my past misdemeanors up. I helped clean it up but the top layer of the paint came off even though we used no chemicals! He ranted again, said that he'd have to paint it now. By the way, the whole room needs decorating, it's very shabby.

Normally, I'm calm, I listen, I let him get on with it. Not today. I lost it, I said that I can't have anything that I want due to him, sick of having to walk on eggshells the whole time. I went around the room, pointng out marks on the walls , holes in the skirting boards shouting at him what do you want me to do about it? I was crying the whole time. Swearing a bit which he hates. To be honest, he looked a bit scared. I slammed the door and left him to it. Although I did go back and take some houseplants and throw them in the compost bin to prove a point to absolutely nobody

I'm deep into perimenopause and have been struggling with my mood and anxiety for a few years. We had a bit of an argument at half term over sex (I'm overweight, tired and feel very unattractive) and it ended with him saying in a nice way that maybe I should get some counselling. He did add that maybe there is something in my childhood about why I don't want sex with him. There isn't, I'm just getting older, dealing with hormones and am permanently knackered.

Anyhow, I signed up for counselling only had one session so far but I like the counsellor and trust her. She mentioned self-care and I tentatively said that I struggle to find time. DH likes us to do everything together and obviously the last year I can't get out on my own as much as I used to. I tried to get some time on my own and he comes to find me, or wants to know what I've been doing as I clearly have been shirking my duties while he does all the work with the kids.

Anyway, rant over! He is now painting the window sill, which is a huge bay window so it'll keep him quiet for a while.

I'm going to ask my counsellor if she can recommend a couple's counsellor as I can't do this anymore. He does blame all our relationship issues on me and when I comment on his behaviour he just says it's how he is, so basically the underlying message is deal with it.

If anyone read this, thanks for enduring my rant

How you've kept your patience this long is a miracle, he deserves to hear your outburst and maybe the fact that he's getting on with the painting shows something clicked a bit but probably not enough to give you the space and levity you need. I would find your set up totally suffocating - you definitely need time to yourself. How old are the kids?

I second Kabakofte. You have the patience of a saint, and he needs to realise just how much of your own life you change, adjust and withhold because of HIM.

Go and buy yourself a gorgeous, huge bunch of lillies, and put them somewhere you will see them frequently.

when I comment on his behaviour he just says it's how he is, so basically the underlying message is deal with it.

Next time he starts a rant, say the above to him and if he even tries to disagree add that it's what he says to you and he expects you to accept that, so the same goes for him.

There is of course a much more long term complex way to deal with this, with counselling and compromise and all that. But you sound like you may have reached a point where you're ready to break out of just keeping the peace and putting up with it. I found it very liberating to draw a line about what I was and wasn't going to do, or not do, and feel that if he said he was leaving as a result, then so be it. Things got better after that.

Could he have OCD? ( Not that it excuses his treatment of you OP)

By god he’d be kicked around the house with a boot up his arse with that attitude I’m going over to melamine plates because ours are chipped we both have trouble holding them when drying etc. He’d hate my plates then. You have the patience of a saint.

As you go deeper into the menopause I suspect you will eventually dump him. That's what I did as I slowly lost my rose tinted specs along with my oestrogen and realised that as far as my husband was concerned I was trying to gild a turd.

Sounds great that you have found a counsellor you get on with and are starting to take steps to improve things. And it seems about time that you stood up to your dh. He's been pandered to for too long and it's just made him worse by the sound of it. I second the purchase of a massive bunch of lilies.

The armchair doctors will be along soon to diagnose him with all sorts.

But there is NO excuse for his behaviour. It's abusive.

You don't need a bloody couples counsellor. Counselling doesn't work with people like this.

(I was also going to say, don't stop the individual counselling.)

You need your own space as far away from him as possible your children risk being like this when they are older if this is all they have known

What a miserable way to live. Dh tried this as his mother gets away with it and has used it to get her way for decades by making everyone else tip tow around her. I went nuclear and things improved. Its OK to let all that pent up emotion out and let him actually see how it's affecting you. Now let go of the fear and stop letting him treat you like a child

Good for you on your tantrum and I feel it was long overdue. Keep it up.

You don't need relationship counselling you need a good solicitor.

Urgh I hear you. My dh has a tendency to be like this about certain things. I used to try and appease the anxiety. Then I caught myself one day and thought what the hell am I doing?
Zero tolerance since that day. He actually told me a while ago that he was grateful. He knew he was like that and couldn't stop himself.
He grew up with a very strange dynamic at home which I think is what it stemmed from.

That’s just how he is? That’s absolutely fine.

You don’t have to put up with it though.

He sounds like a nightmare.

Good grief! I think I’d have dumped the plant pots on his head. It does sound unhealthy and controlling, OP. Enjoy that dwindling oestrogen because it doesn’t half bring forth the inner witch/take no bullshit self! I’d say keep going with your individual therapy for now as I suspect you will gain more from it than couples therapy at this stage. Could it be that feeling heard in therapy gave you the impetus to show your anger fully?

Good for your...next time throw him in the compost bin along with the plants. He might be of more use there!

Your problem is that you’ve tried to ignore his awful behaviour and keep the peace forever, thus enabling him to carry on like a complete year for years. He thinks this is normal.

complete twat

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do not ever undertake couples counselling with him. This is because you will get no say and he will further blame the relationship problems onto you. Abusive types like your H never apologise or accept responsibility here.

You do not need couples counselling but legal advice re separation and divorce. He is the root cause of your walking on eggshells and anxiety.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?. This awful model is something they could well repeat in their own adult relationships too.

"The kids are also aware but luckily take after me and just ignore him, rib him a bit about it and move on".

Your children are following your example and from that are further being taught crap lessons about relationships. They also deserve better than this dysfunctional, not just to say abusive, atmosphere within their home.

Why are you putting up with this and more importantly subjecting your children to him?

You don't need couples counselling, you need a patio.

Buy yourself some lilies.

I suspect that losing your rag is the best thing you could have done. He might hesitate to criticise next time. If he does kick off...rinse and repeat!

OP you are not the problem. Do you have a session with your counsellor next week? Please discuss this with them. You could even print your post out and show it to them or read it out. Please, please tell them what you've told us. I expect they will have some very helpful questions that might help you.

My main question is why is it ok for him to be "just the way he is" but not you?