Tired of DHs behaviour

[itbereet]

Hi all,

Very long ramble!

I lost my temper today, slamming doors and everything. A complete teenage tantrum at the grand old age of 49.

My DH (stands for dickhead today) is very particular about things. I live my life ensuring that nothing gets broken or marked as he flips his lid. The kids are also aware but luckily take after me and just ignore him, rib him a bit about it and move on.

At one point in our relationship,, it did nearly split us up. The kids were really young and lots of things happened. One of them was that we had a chimney fire, he was at work and I'm used to chimney fires but I couldn't put it out so had to call the fire service and evacuated me and the kids. He came home furious, started shouting at me that who was going to pay for the carpet, it had very slight burns, that I'd embarrassed him. Never once checked or asked if we were okay.

He's ruined a Mother's Day by shouting at me as there was some wax from a candle on the hearth. Me and the kids just left and had a great time while he cleaned and obsessed over this small wax mark. (Not all these are related to fire! )

Today, we were cleaning the house and he noticed that some tulips had leaked some green liquid onto the window sill. I've never had flowers do this before. I don't have lilys in the house as he can't cope with the fact that they might stain things even though they are my favourite flowers!

Previously, some house plants had left rings on the window sills. Cut freak out! So my heart sank as he started going on about nice things being ruined etc and bringing all my past misdemeanors up. I helped clean it up but the top layer of the paint came off even though we used no chemicals! He ranted again, said that he'd have to paint it now. By the way, the whole room needs decorating, it's very shabby.

Normally, I'm calm, I listen, I let him get on with it. Not today. I lost it, I said that I can't have anything that I want due to him, sick of having to walk on eggshells the whole time. I went around the room, pointng out marks on the walls , holes in the skirting boards shouting at him what do you want me to do about it? I was crying the whole time. Swearing a bit which he hates. To be honest, he looked a bit scared. I slammed the door and left him to it. Although I did go back and take some houseplants and throw them in the compost bin to prove a point to absolutely nobody

I'm deep into perimenopause and have been struggling with my mood and anxiety for a few years. We had a bit of an argument at half term over sex (I'm overweight, tired and feel very unattractive) and it ended with him saying in a nice way that maybe I should get some counselling. He did add that maybe there is something in my childhood about why I don't want sex with him. There isn't, I'm just getting older, dealing with hormones and am permanently knackered.

Anyhow, I signed up for counselling only had one session so far but I like the counsellor and trust her. She mentioned self-care and I tentatively said that I struggle to find time. DH likes us to do everything together and obviously the last year I can't get out on my own as much as I used to. I tried to get some time on my own and he comes to find me, or wants to know what I've been doing as I clearly have been shirking my duties while he does all the work with the kids.

Anyway, rant over! He is now painting the window sill, which is a huge bay window so it'll keep him quiet for a while.

I'm going to ask my counsellor if she can recommend a couple's counsellor as I can't do this anymore. He does blame all our relationship issues on me and when I comment on his behaviour he just says it's how he is, so basically the underlying message is deal with it.

If anyone read this, thanks for enduring my rant

Wow, I did expect all the comments and thanks!

This is only a snapshot of our relationship and you've only heard my side of the story. I haven't mentioned that he's been trapped in the house for the past year due to covid, that he is extremely stressed at work, and he has been very up and down over the past two weeks as our children returned to school (9 and 12 for those that asked) as our eldest is struggling with school/anxiety and now we have a local mental health team involved. It's been a bit full on. These don't exclude his behaviour but I know why he is acting up, however, he is much worse than he has been for years.

Yes, I think he has OCD, which he'll deny. We've been together over 20 years and his obsessive behaviour has got so much worse. It's a nightmare if we damage anything but if he does it, he spends all his time staring at a mark, going on about it for days. Sometimes, there isn't anything there that I can see but he just tells me that there is something wrong with my eye sight.

I have exploded many times over the years and I can be an extremely critical person, but I'm aware of my faults and I always apologise. I have mellowed with age and no longer throw things at him

Some of your comments rang true with me. He had a strange childhood, his parents are controlling and I've cut myself off from them. I am aware that I may slowly be detaching myself from him as well.

Thanks again all, you've given me a lot to think about.

Oh god just no, I couldn’t live like this at all, OP you’re making excuses for him because if the past year but you’re also saying he’s always been like this so the past year is no excuse at all.

He sounds an absolute nightmare to live with, I just couldn’t deal with this at all, it’s your home too and constantly being on edge must be utterly exhausting.

This sounds so much like my ex. Unfortunately we are currently getting divorced because I broke, you are lucky your kids laugh it off because exposing my daughter to it for 14 years has ruined her mental health. She hates her dad and never sees him now he's left. I walked some mud on the carpet the other day and she said her heart dropped and she started crying (9 months after he's gone). I desperately wish I had left sooner.

He is also the same in the lack of responsibility for everything. Nothing, and I mean nothing is his fault, ever. Separated for 9 months and he still has no idea why because despite me telling him hundreds of time, he can't compute it as it couldn't possibly be my fault.

I completely understand how you feel and how miserable life can be living in that situation. Hope it works out ok for you x

When are you building the patio????

He sounds insufferable!

He needs therapy to do with his issues.

I would start telling him your alone time is private and non-negotiable unless he wants a divorce.

Keep on making excuses for him. Meanwhile, your kids get to have the same type of upbringing he had - a controlling person who has a problem but is too immature and irresponsible to get help for it and work on treating it and an enabler. Pattern sounds like it's already repeating.

This is my main concern, if it begins to affects my children then we leave. He knows this but I don't think that he believes me. He has said that I'll never find anyone as good as him who'd put up with my shit. I laughed a lot when he said it and he never said it again.

It already is affecting your DC, your using lockdown as an excuse to your DC anxiety, however I think you need to look closer to home. Living in a heightened state of anxiety in the home (which is meant to be your safe place) is very damaging.

How many times do you need to actually break down and lose your shit before he does something? I have sympathy with a mental health problem but he’s doing nothing about managing it whilst telling you to just deal with ‘how he is’. His behaviour is not reasonable - it’s death by a thousand cuts to a relationship. I’d be insisting on some changes including seeking therapy for his problems as a condition of remaining together.

I live my life ensuring that nothing gets broken or marked as he flips his lid.*

He sounds exhausting. If he has ocd, what is he doing about it? You shouldn't be walking on eggshells for anyone - and what effect is his behaviour having on your kids??

He sounds abusive. OCD does not mean you behave like he does. In fact, people with ocd are usually very hard on themselves, not others. Please don't have counselling with him, but keep up your own counselling.

What do you like about him?

A lot of this is pretty familiar— I get similar comments about any slight residue on wine glasses or an odd bit of dirt off a shoe. The ironic thing is although he’s a really , really hard worker in his job, he does sod all about the house. Like you one day I erupted about his nit picking, (I had forgotten to use gluten free pasta (he isn’t coaeliac- just prefers it) he did improve for a while but it has crept in again. The posters comments about fall in oestrogen making rose tinted glasses fall away I think is very true. I reckon that’s why you see so many miserable looking older couples in town— the woman realises she has a miserable grumpy moaning older bloke on her hands and thinks it’s too late to do Much about it

Been here. Spoiler - I left (after 2 decades but always better late than never). It is abuse. I have 3 young children and could not live with myself subjecting them to this kind of poisonous atmosphere any more. I was raised in a house with an emotionally volatile parent and the effects have impacted the rest of my life.It is probably why I went on to marry an abuser. My heart goes out to you. You did not have a temper tantrum. You have released a tiny portion of your pent up anger, frustration, anxiety and sadness. Your dh is the one tantrumming, as a tool in his coercive control arsenal.

Believe me, it has probably already affected your children. I vividly remember being in my bedroom, aged around 8, with my heart in my mouth and my younger brother and sister happily playing beside me, while I begged them to be quiet so I could hear whether the 'fighting' (my mother screaming at my father) downstairs had stopped. I'm in my mid forties now and it feels as fresh as anything.

Individual counselling with someone versed in abusive relationships was my salvation. Not the first counsellor, who was clueless and wanted my dh to join us so he could express his side...Like @AttilaTheMeerkat always says, a TERRIBLE idea in a situation where there is a power imbalance.

I think it's because you have started counselling. It has happened to me. I started counselling for my social anxiety but we talked a lot about self care and I realised that I didn't put myself first at all and once I started to see that and try to put it right my 'D'P became less and less 'D' and I have gotten fed up of him

@sophmum31, same level of insight from my ex too. I know the label gets tossed around an awful lot, but I am certain he is a narcissist. Divorce has just finalised and I am sooo happy about it.

DH likes us to do everything together

This was a huge issue in my marriage too, and a big red flag for controlling behaviour. There was only ever "his time" and "family time". Even if I could get away on my own for an hour or two, he would always manage to sabotage it by calling or texting with some problem or another, or by upsetting eldest dd who would then be texting or calling me in distress. It is suffocating and must be so much harder with Covid.

Normally I would never recommend this, but for this situation --
Go out and buy a puppy. A small, frisky puppy. Maybe a Jack Russell or a Cocker Spaniel.

• Your children will love it and love you for getting it.
• It will need walking so you have a reason to get out of the house and away from him regularly.
• It will pee in the house. It will poop in the house. It's nails will scratch the floor and tear the carpet. It will teeth on the furniture and wall skirting. Your husband will be in such a tizzy that nothing you do (or fail to do) will register with him.
• When he says "the dog must go" say "No. The kids and I agreed that we would rather keep the dog and you can go" ---or, "Suck it up and get on board with real life and a real family."

@mybonnieliesovertheocean2

It already is affecting your DC, your using lockdown as an excuse to your DC anxiety, however I think you need to look closer to home. Living in a heightened state of anxiety in the home (which is meant to be your safe place) is very damaging.

This ^

It's affecting you all. Because it's abusive.

@GeorgiaGirl52

Normally I would never recommend this, but for this situation -- Go out and buy a puppy. A small, frisky puppy. Maybe a Jack Russell or a Cocker Spaniel.

• Your children will love it and love you for getting it.
• It will need walking so you have a reason to get out of the house and away from him regularly.
• It will pee in the house. It will poop in the house. It's nails will scratch the floor and tear the carpet. It will teeth on the furniture and wall skirting. Your husband will be in such a tizzy that nothing you do (or fail to do) will register with him.
• When he says "the dog must go" say "No. The kids and I agreed that we would rather keep the dog and you can go" ---or, "Suck it up and get on board with real life and a real family."

WTF? Who would use an innocent dog like this?

A lot of people won't agree with me but tbh i think he needed your tantrum (so did you).
What you need to do going forward is to ingnore his absolutely pointless finickerty fussing and do your own thing. And if he starts to give you the impression you need to get back on the eggshells ask him if he wants you to go back to doorslamming.

And please carve out time for yourself, it is really really important.

Wow, you have the patience of a saint! I could not have stayed with a man like that. I was going to say that it sounds like he suffers from OCD and that if you were aware and supporting him then fine and that could also (almost) excuse the fire incident and the Mother's Day incident (if he massively apologised) but then reading that he brought up all your 'past demeanours' during an argument. Now way! I wouldn't want to have sex with him either he sounds awful abs suffocating and controlling.
Sorry OP but unless he has some MASSIVELY saving graces I'd be gone.

Even if he has OCD (does it manifest in other areas of his life or are just your family the lucky recipients?) his treatment of you is STILL ABUSE and control.