Am I too close to my daughter?

[ThisTooShallBeFantastic]

I've been worrying about this for a while. She is late 20s and struggling with relationships and career. I think she feels a bit lost. She has lived with me in the first and third lockdowns, but is now planning to return to her rented accommodation. I'm encouraging her to do this but basically neither of us want it to happen. We get on extremely well and always have done. I fear I am her comfort blanket and she is my soulmate. This is wrong, isn't it? Or should we just appreciate and enjoy our wonderful relationship?

If you want to live together then do so. However I find the use of the phrase soulmate a bit odd, that’s something usually used for a partner and is not a word I would expect to see used for parent and child relationships. I think as parents we can have amazing relationships with our children but I would hesitate to consider them as a best friend substitute either so if either of you is too dependent then try being separate again.

Ypur daughter is not your soul mate. That in itself indicates you need to spread your own wings a bit to give her space to build other relationships. Don't underestimate the guilt she probably harbours about you being lonely.

Hmm I think it's strange you think your daughter your soul mate.

i agree with above posters soul mate is a weird way to describe your daughter.
If your daughter uses you as a comfort blanket then she probably does need to go home and learn how to become independent once more.

By soulmate I mean the person I get on best with in the world. I'm not actually lonely at all (I have a time-consuming job, a DP and loads of friends), I just like her best as a person. I want her to go so I can explore my relationships more and so she can develop hers. But i also don't want her to go, because she is so much fun, and I worry most of all that she doesn't want to go either.

Maybe close is the wrong word. Probably too dependant.

It’s your job as a parent to make yourself redundant. Lovely to be so close but surely you want her to meet someone/have her own family

Are you a single parent, OP?

I ask because i am, and my DS- who is only 4- is literally the clone of me in manner, looks, temperament etc. and even now I can see the bond I have with him is different to the bond my sister has with her children of a similar age. Some of it is the single parent thing I’m sure, and some of it is that he turned out to be me in miniature. (Not necessarily a good thing ).

I recognise that this has the potential to become unhealthy/codependency as he gets older (from my own experience with my mother), so I am very very careful to maintain parent boundaries rather than “mates” vibes. Easy at 4. Not so much at 24.
And I’m definitely not always getting it right. I give him too many opportunities to make decisions, for example. That’s okay now- “do you fancy pizza or pasta for tea” isn’t going to end the world- but I know unless I sort this out, in 10 years time, I might well be having debates with a teenager about drinking or smoking or staying out all night, when he should be just complying with my rules.

I know from my own experience with my mum, that what kids want- at any age, 4 or 24, - is a parent who sets firm boundaries, represents safety and security, can be depended on and who doesn’t need their child for emotional support. I’m 33 and I still wish now I had that kind of mum- so that’s the kind of mum I’m trying to be.

It’s late in the day now for you to alter the calibre of your relationship, but maybe some joint therapy would help you both to externalise how you feel and make sure you’re keeping mentally/emotionally healthy in your relationship?

But don’t feel bad about the soulmate thing, OP. It’s not synonymous with romance- that’s just what the rom coms tell you. My dearest friend is a gay man, and is 100% my soulmate- no lover has ever come close.

I don't see the problem. You enjoy spending time together and you're not discouraging either relationships. Seems silly to not live together for now if that's what you both want. She can still have friends and meet a potential partner and when she decides she would like to live with someone else then it will be the time to go.

I think it depends on whether you're codependent. If my mum wasn't my mum she would still be my best mate. We just get on so well and so easily.

I've lived with her for periods as an adult because the alternative was both of us living alone and we really enjoy living together! It sort of felt like we would be living alone just for the sake of it, both spending more money on rent etc.

So at various points we've lived together and it's been great. It's calm, we get on, we have a laugh, we can be totally honest. Basically a housemate who you also share a history with!

Dating is where it becomes an issue so when I've been in a headspace to date, I've not lived with her as it would be unfair on her and also people I was seeing.

Yes my aim was always to become redundant, and I’ve succeeded in that with my other two DC. With DD, three years ago I would have said I was just about redundant, but then she hit a series of crises and I’ve been her lifebelt really.

My dearest wish is for her to have her own home, a partner and her dream job. That should have happened by now but it all went wrong. In supporting her to get back on track, I worry we’ve become too close again.

anais op said she had a dp and friends.

I’d say that my DD is my best friend. We get on so well, unlike anyone I know. I wish my DD still lived at home.

Late 20s is definitely not too late to have her own home etc, and the fact that you’ve said it should have happened but has all gone wrong, is quite upsetting - I’m wondering whether you’re infantilising her a bit & making it seem like she’s failed.

Well I’m going to go against the grain and say I think it’s awesome you and your daughter are so close. Much better than being estranged and having a horrible relationship.

However I also feel that your daughter does need to get out there and socialize and establish new relationships with others. That doesn’t necessarily mean she has to move from home but she needs to have her own life.

I find it strange the society expects couples to want to live together, however children are always expected to leave home. And if they don’t then something is wrong with them or how they were patented. As long as there are boundaries in place and neithe one of you make each other their “world “ then I see nothing wrong with it.

@warmandtoasty2day

Why would that preclude her from being a single parent?

I think it's absolutely fine as long as it isn't preventing her from socialising and meeting others. Would she socialise with more people if she was back in her rented accommodation?

I can't see how pushing her away will help anything. It will just isolate her from a lovely supportive relationship.

One day she will meet someone and hopefully naturally prioritise the new relationship over the one with you. As long as that wouldn't cause a problem between you, I think you just carry on as you are.

Thank you everyone, this has really helped me!

@MaverickDanger I don’t think I’m infantilising her or making her feel like a failure. She was very unlucky, that’s all, and it’s taking time for her to bounce back. I’ll never hold her back, but I’ll not push her away either.

@AnaisNun I stayed married to their father for a long time but in many ways I was a sole parent (he is an idiot). The relationship I have with all three is fantastic, I feel truly blessed, but as much as we enjoy each other’s company I have always clearly delineated that I am the parent and they are the child. We are not just mates.

In some ways I’m struggling with the fact I don’t have a blueprint for a mother/daughter relationship in adulthood as my mum and I were denied it

You sound like a lovely supportive mum. My mum is my best friend too. As long as you’re supportive of her plans to seek greater independence then you’re fine. I expect when lockdown is over you’ll both naturally be out socialising more and your relationship with her will feel less intense.

I think you just have to be alert to the fact that for you, this is a big advantage to have a lovely daughter at home, it fulfils your social needs and so on, but for her, at her time of life, it easily might slip from helping into a bit suffocating and not really what she needs in terms of supporting her onto the next life stage. As long as she's able to think about moving away, meeting someone, proceeding with her career and that you aren't holding that back then I think it's lovely you have supported her.

I do know enmeshed mother/daughters though, and as they get into their thirties, that can be too much but I don't get that feeling from what you've said- just be aware she needs to go off and meet her soulmate, you are not hers.

She was your baby then your child. Now she's grown up.

If you love her and want the best for her future, it's time to let her go so she can become an independent adult with a life of her own.

She will always be your daughter.

Get yourself a dog to be your soulmate.

It sounds like she's had an awful experience fairly recently. In my experience, even though the events may be fairly short, they can take a long time to recover from. So she could still be recovering.

It sounds like she had a lot of independence before and she'll get there again. If you think she could do with some support in striking out again gently suggest some counselling. It's hard at the moment with lockdown - there are literally no opportunities to go out and meet new people, try new hobbies, go on trips abroad, reconnect with old friends, start new careers - by law we are all supposed to be hunkering down and there's nothing wrong with doing that with your mum. See what happens when lockdown lifts.

Yes, she's having counselling and that will continue when she moves out. I think when she actually makes the move she will be OK - she has lots of friends and she can restart her normal life again. And I will be free to pursue my own hobbies and relationships again. Let's face it, none of us has been living 'normally' for so long, perhaps it's natural to feel a little nervous at the prospect!

@2bazookas, please don't tell my dog that I said someone else was my soulmate - she'll never forgive me !

It sounds like a lovely relationship OP.

As long as you're encouraging her forwards, and not holding her back for your own needs, it's healthy.

I have one DD still at home and am dreading the day she leaves. She's such good company and we're really close. I thank the universe every day for all of my DDs and would take huge umbrage at anyone saying we're too close. I don't have that good a relationship with my own mum, my sister is the golden child and I vowed that I'd never make any of my DDs feel surplus to requirements in my life.

My older sister and I always used to refer to each other as soulmates, so I totally get what you mean. For me it was a good thing, as it meant we held men to a very high standard- having each other as our ‘best person’ meant we wouldn’t settle for anyone who didn’t match up to each other, and we haven’t. We’ve both married our ideal other halves, and I don’t know if we’d have known to hold out for that if she hadn’t taught me just how well I could get on with someone.

So it’s not a bad thing to be that close, but if you feel it’s holding her back then perhaps that could be something to address.