In house separation hell

[feeficken]

So long story short i'm 39 and W 39 comes to me and said we needed time apart and she needed space, I was dumbfounded never saw it coming, so she moved out to live with our son and about a day or two later she calls and says its over that she has feelings for someone else and that's that, no discussion nothing.

I spiral and have no idea what to do so try and convince her things can be better if we work at it etc etc. She starts justifying her actions by telling me its all my fault, I am stunned by the stuff she is saying and doing as she takes absolutely no responsibility for herself. Turns out she had been texting a co-worker as "friends" for months unbeknown to me and they'd developed feelings for each other (he is 55). Problem is from the get go I run with its all my fault and that i'd caused all of this and the break up of my family so I set to try and make things right. I look back now that some time has passed I have realised that the problems we had where NEVER that bad and certainly didn't justify existing the marriage this way and hurting me like this. Yes there where things that could have been better and I know I could have been better (then again so could she) but I am honestly talking normal practical stuff that comes up like money, working too much etc. If she had sat me down and told me how unhappy she was I'd have set to work and we could have sorted things together as the team I thought we where. I thought we where soulmates and that we where on the same page.

Anyway over the next year I basically work myself crazy to try and make our marriage a better place to be if she wants it and even if she doesn't I know we'd both be in a better position financially amongst other things.

She bounced back between myself and OM over the year and at one point they get a flat together (he lives with his daughter) and she starts texting me asking to come back saying shes made a stupid mistake and she loves me etc so of course I love the woman and I agree as I think perhaps she now knows the grass is not greener, she initially its resistant to just leave him though (crazy right should have been red flag right there) but things are strained between them for whatever reason (no idea) and she wants back right away so while he's out I help pack up her stuff into my van and bring her home, I told her before hand this wasn't right that she should tell him the truth and that she was going to give our marriage the best chance (I know right why should I care but heh). After she comes back its all good and shes all over me and then pulls back but I later come to find out ALL the times shes come back to me she ended up texting him again and at one point is shagging him again while I think we where trying to reconcile.

Around Sept she ends it with me again (course she does cause she is still seeing and sleeping with him behind my back!) and starts seeing him openly using our house her base. I get to the point in January where I've had enough and I can't take it and me and my adult son some move out and I tell her she can have the house and she plans to move the O/M in. About a month later she starts texts again (you know where this is going right?) to say she doesn't want to move him in and is sorry for what's she's done and that we should at least try again and I like a fucking idiot agree and so we start working on it again and everything seems good for a month and agree I should move back in but about a week before I move in (at this point I've kitted out a whole flat) she changes her mind and says she doesn't want the house and wants me to take it over that she will live with her Dad until she finds somewhere new, a couple of days before I move back shes decided she just going to stay in the home until she gets somewhere and at this point i'm already in the process of moving back in.

So here I am again moved back in and shes using the house as a base to see the OM and conduct this new relationship and its fucking hell (this is a joint mortgage so I can't just tell her to leave). She also doesn't seem to be in a hurry to get her own place and won't move in with her Dad who BTW does have room, what's pissing me right off is she is going about life like everything is normal as though she has done nothing wrong and that she has been honourable (she says she never had an affair). At one point in the last couple of weeks she is saying she started saying she doesn't know what she wants and then swings back the other way (she is all over the place) but still seeing the OM. Not sure why I am even posting to be honest don't have anyone I can talk to really.

Honestly I do still feel love for this woman (crazy right?) but I can feel it dying and more of me wants her gone than for her to stay, more of me feels less forgiven. She knows I love her I have told her, my actions have told her but she also knows this is killing me but it doesn't seem to matter.

Anyone been through anything like this?

@Seadad I wouldn’t disagree with this and it’s something I am certainly recognising in myself that perhaps I am far too quick to see the good in people. I think it comes from being someone that has a logical mindset and someone that tries to excuse others behaviours and this has come up in counselling.

Certainly in this situation it has not helped me at all, I do struggle to say what is forgivable and what’s not but I don’t know why that is. There are moments of clarity that come through where I think WTF and I think of the damage she has done. What’s come out of this process is that’s it’s shown me there is work I need to do on that front. Is it because we met so young and has kids young and I didn’t get the life learning experiences I needed, I just don’t know yet.

@feeficken - you might have some work to do - but it's never too late! Find your stable centre - and your confidence and self esteem, know your values, and find an authentic life!

I think you need to start to show her this dance isn't going on amymore. All I have read from your post is you tell her you love her and you want to make it work. She knows you won't end it and it's creating this dance you have been in for way too long. I get you feel like you love her but how can you love someone who does this to you?
I think you need to tell her you're going to put the house on the market and end it with her. You need to start calling the shots, you start doing something that ends this because she won't. Please please stop this and find some peace and happiness. The wife you had is gone, there is nothing left for you in this marriage.

The pick me dance has stopped, I’ve stopped giving her any type of affection and we’ve hardly spoken as she is out the house more now than she is in.

To be quite honest I can for the first time feel myself being done. I just want some peace and quiet at this point on my own to work through my own shit including the damage all of this has done. Like I said she is supposed to be moving out but isn’t saying much about that, I have no idea how long it would take to get a flat but I have been back nearly a month.

But have you told her that you're done?

I think whilst she's busy out getting under another man I'd be inclined to change the locks. Let her go and live with him. 10 minute job to pop a barrel lock in and out.

@Boopthesnoot1 I think the lack of affection or pursuit should tell her I am done. Shes not bothered from what I can see anyway as she comes and goes like everything is normal.

@Marineboy67 I can't change the locks she is a joint owner on the mortgage and so has a legal right to be here.

“Wife” is out at the OM tonight feeling a little on a downer. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, she’s going about life like things are normal. Makes me feel like I am going crazy.

I snapped at her the other day because of something she said and she had the fucking cheek to ask me what was wrong and I should watch how I speak to her WTF! It feels like she’s gone mental.

I read these other posts where others have said their spouses left them and while I sympathise I can tell you it’s 1000x better than living this! Has anyone else lived like this I mean what person does this, live in the house with their husband or wife while dating someone else it’s mental!! I am here looking after the house, making mine and our sons dinner, doing the shopping and paying all the bills like an absolute twat, basically propping her and his relationship up how sick is that?

At the moment I am looking at flats as it’s the only way I can see how I get peace from this and to start clearing my head so I can start taking other steps.

Nothing much has changed, she says she is still looking for somewhere. Still going about like life is normal and of course living with no consequences for her decision. I've pulled back from her at the moment mainly for my own sake. Feeling a bit down about it all to be honest and missing not just the company but the relationship I thought we had and where going to have in the future.

I've been thinking a lot about whats happened over the last year and looking at how crazy the situation has been. Seems I kept taking the punches but kept getting up, rather than walking away. I feel like such an idiot and a fool and I feel totally embarrassed at this point with how long I accepted the situation.

“I get you feel like you love her but how can you love someone who does this to you?
I think you need to tell her you're going to put the house on the market and end it with her. You need to start calling the shots, you start doing something that ends this because she won't. Please please stop this and find some peace and happiness. The wife you had is gone, there is nothing left for you in this marriage.”

This. Don’t beat yourself up for letting this go on so long. It felt right to you at the time. But don’t let it go on any longer. You’ve given her all the power in all this. Take your power back. Your marriage is over. Grieve it and move on. You got together very young; very few teen relationships last a lifetime. There will be love in your future, from a woman who will treat you well.

Stop this nonsense, if she loved you she wouldn't do this to you.
Tell her you are selling the house, she can slope off & live under a rock somewhere & with lover boy, who not surprisingly wouldn't want her either. or wherever she can afford.
You know she can't afford the mortgage, so either you buy her out, or sell.
Don't let her live there while you pay half the mortgage & bills... She is taking you for a fool.
She is taking you completely for granted, you said you got together when you were young, You are not a possession.
Time to grow up.

very, saw your post afterwards !

Dery !

You need to instruct a solicitor, get the ball rolling on a divorce and selling the house - be kind to yourself x

Your biggest priority is to find out why you're allowing this woman to walk all over you because this has carried on for a full year and you won't be able to legally and emotionally separate until you learn to set boundaries-get some counseling and work on your poor self esteem.then you can cut the bitch free from your life and be happy like you deserve to be. Perhaps short term antidepressants is needed

As you're still living in the same house. You need to decide upon your boundaries whilst living together. You also need to let her go. You deserve better.

OP - you need some life coaching to get you through this! I don't know where to start other than you are enabling this existence.
How old is your son? Who is responsible for childcare- why are you left with this while your DW treats you like a mug?
You so need to step up and change your life. This must be absolutely intolerable and unbearable. Forget about embarrassment - you need to share what's happening and get support.

Ok Op.

I think you're frightened.
Frightened of being alone.
Frightened of losing this tug of war with this OM.
Frightened of splitting the family up.
Frightened of change, you have been together so long.

Everything is on you to be tthe responsible partner and parent. Stop taking responsibility for any of this, including her.
The shit will hit the fan for her probably when you cut the cord. Why is she not with this OM, have you seen/met him.
Is he a big/aggresive bastard who you are fearful of?
Nice that she's brought this to your door, is that part of the problem, you don't want trouble with him?
Now I think it's time to make a decision don't you?
We women arn't all that bad, imagine being with someone who adores you and won't take you for granted.

@Onthedunes I’m not frightened of being alone I have been alone this last year. I even moved out at one point and got my own flat and was doing ok. I am capable of navigating way through life by myself and that doesn’t bother me, in fact there are times when I look forward to it.

The family unit has already been blown apart and all relationships have been strained by her actions

@Seadad my son is adult age so no childcare required, he still lives at home while at Uni. His relationship with his Mum has taken a dose dive and they hardly speak, he is quite frankly angry at her and how she’s behaved, my adult daughter is no longer speaking to her either for this amongst other things.

In regards to OM I don’t know him at all other than he was a coworker or hers, if anything it seems he is more scared of me not that I care about that anyway.

I could just put the house on the market and the equity would be enough to put a deposit on a flat if I wanted to buy again but I’d rather keep the house. That is why I am hanging in here while she finds somewhere else to live. Once she moved out I know I will be devastated all over again but I also know. I’ll have the strength to start moving on and get some peace and quiet.

End it with her, she is clearly mental. See a solicitor about where you stand with the house, feels like it’s best off sold.

Do you feel she is making a huge mistake, with her relationship with the children, with the longevity of your marriage and feel by waiting for this to pass she will come to her senses.?

Wow. It sounds like utter and total hell.

And it sounds like she's got you wrapped round her little finger. It doesn't sound like she loves you or the OM.

It has to stop. You're going to go crazy with the hurt, the bewilderment and the lack of certainty. If you haven't already, that is.

You have to be the one to say, "Enough now." And push on with divorce regardless of her texts, pleading, tears, declarations of love etc. Ultimately, she doesn't really mean any of it.

You can love someone and move on. It's hellish but the certainty and the fact you're taking charge and creating your own future is very healing.

You cannot live with the rug constantly pulled from under you. It's cruel and psychologically very damaging.

Take charge.

Once you do that and press on with your life, you will feel so much better.

And put the house in the market. Get yourself a flat.

Exorcise your life of all these ties to your ex.

Hi OP. I had exactly this..separated & living with exh for 2 years whilst he carried on with his affair. It wouldn't have been so bad if he'd gone to live with the ow, she had her own place by that point, but he would come & go. Once he saw me start to take control & make plans for my future, he was suddenly "confused" and didn't know what (or who) he wanted. I still loved him and it was a total headfuck. What he was really doing was hedging his bets. I stayed strong & eventually moved into my own house and I can tell you the day I shut the front door of my own house was the day I started to heal.

Exh clung on for a little while longer sending mix CDs & cards to my house, but I knew it was all to keep me warm incase things didn't work out with ow. sod that! Unlucky for him, I saw straight through it & didn't engage.

Don't waste 2 years like I did..get strong and start to heal. The only way to do that is to take back control if your own life.

@Onthedunes I won’t lie there is a part of me that has had that thought. More than that though I just want her to move out so I can get on I am shattered. I am keeping my options open and I do earn enough that I could move out if and when I wanted but the rent would basically be double of what my mortgage is for anywhere decent for me and my son. So what I’m holding out for more is to stay in my house and eventually buy her out.

I’m trying to determine though how long I can realistically continue this for, I’m exhausted mentally and it just feels like this is an existence and every time she walks out this door to be with him is just another twist if the knife.