Acts of service - quarrels over daily life

[Seldon]

I'm putting this out there to get an understanding on an issue me and my DW face regularly. In short, we frequently quarrel about tasks in the house that I do not do, or do not do sufficiently well.

I'm genuinely interested to see how we solve this.

The arguments genuinely go along the line where my wife will start to complain about what I see as small things - the water jug not being back in right place or my sock drawer not being closed.

From my perspective, (I don't know if this is a particularly male POV), in the big picture, we divide tasks pretty 50:50. I cook, do the shopping, empty bin, etc. Last night, I'd cooked dinner, made a cup of tea, done the dishes. The wife came along and complained that I hadn't put the water jug back and I had some leftovers that will cooling in a Tupperware box that I hadn't put in the fridge. It feels as I can't win, because the stuff I do simply doesn't count, only the things I miss or don't do.

From my wife's POV, she believes these little tasks show my acts of service to her, that I'm listening when she says "the plants are a bit dry", and I then act on it. It feels to her I'm listening to the subtle instructions, and only focus on the big stuff (that doesn't matter to her).

Any thoughts to help me understand my wife's POV, and to overcome this recurrent problem?

You don’t need to be praised for taking care of your own home.
And what is wrong with simply doing as she says, putting things back and closing things. It’s not that complicated.

On the face of it, t seems a bit picky of her, and you make it sound like she comes through to inspect your work like a grumpy supervisor. What is she doing herself when she says things like "plants are dry"? does she mean it as an instruction, is it just a comment, does it feel like a criticism?

What's the rest of your relationship like, do you get on, have a laugh, enjoy each other's company, feel loved and valued?

It might be worth having a couple of sessions of relationship counselling to work on the way you're both communicating.

the acts of service thing makes me cringe a bit - is that from the 5 languages of love?

Being male has literally nothing to do with it. Its your home too. She shouldn't have to point stuff out to you and you shouldn't expect medals for participating in taking care of your joint home and helping with the mental load.

Not closing drawers is slovenly as well as dangerous. If they are low down, they could be tripped on. Is it really so hard to shut a drawer after taking something out?

You need to sit down and physically write out everything you both do. You might be shocked to find it is not quite so 50/50. Do you both work full time?

Close the fucking sock drawer!

There's been studies on this (sorry no links to hand). Almost everyone feels they do a higher percentage of chores than they actually do! This is because we don't see the "invisible" bits.

So if you think you are splitting 50/50, it's probably more like 60/40 and your partner probably feels like it is 70/30.

Talk to her! Does she feel when you leave the Tupperware out? Have you explained it needs to stay out? Can you both see the other's viewpoint? Hard to say this without saying patronising but you'll get further by having a conversation with your partner than you will be posting online!!

*by not be!

She's doing the mental labour - noticing that plants need watering and the leftovers need to go away before they go off. How much mental labour do you do?

Do you understand the consequences of your laziness? Do you understand that if you don't put the water jug back there won't be cold water for anyone else, which is pretty selfish. Do you understand that if you don't close the drawers after yourself someone could walk into them and hurt themselves? That if you don't put the leftovers away they might poison someone and make them ill, or will need to go in the bin wasting money that can be used on something for the family, or requires someone else to give up their time to finish your job? All of these are really quick things to do yourself, it's completely unreasonable and incredibly lazy for you to not do them.

To me, not pulling your weight, nothing jobs that need doing or doing jobs properly is a huge sign of lack of respect. You are buying your convenience and free time by doing jobs quickly and expecting someone else to finish them properly. This means you value your own time/comfort/convenience more than your wife's (and anyone else living in your home.)

I used to live with a man who said verbatim what you said - that I didn't notice the big things he achieved, just the small things he didn't. He was a self entitled arsehole, lazy, valued his time more than mine, never noticed the jobs that needed doing and if I noticed and asked him to help I was accused of nagging. It took a lot to solve the problem but we did eventually solve it - by moving 100 miles away from him and I now live in a lovely house and he moved a new woman in who seemingly refused to clean up after him too because their house is so filthy that I can smell the stench from the door as I drop my poor kids off.

The thing is OP, if you say you're doing 50:50 of things like cleaning, cooking etc, but then on top of that she's also having to water the plants, put things away, close the cupboard doors etc then it isn't really 50:50. Because each extra thing she's having to do is only a small thing it's easy to dismiss it and ignore it, or to interpret it as nit picking. But those little things still add up to a demand on our time.

Often men think they're doing 50:50 but it's more like 40:60 because on top of doing our own 50% we also have to project manage by telling them what needs doing, and then finish their jobs for them because they didn't bother to rinse the sink after washing up or put things away properly. For example my partner does his share of the big things, but he'll often do little things like leaving his clothes twisted half inside out in the laundry basket or forget to check his pockets so I have to go through it one item at a time before it can go in the machine. It's the same thing for watering the plants, or changing the toilet roll, or marking things on the calender. Small petty things, none taking more than a few minutes each to fix - but when it starts happening 10x a day then it's not a few minutes it's half an hour. Over the course of a week or month it tends to add up to me doing more work than him but because the work is almost invisible to him he doesn't notice. And because it takes almost as long to complain about him not changing the loo roll as it does to just do it myself, I usually don't bother. But when women do bother then it comes across as us nagging and nitpicking over small and petty things. So we can't win, we end up doing more than our share in the home, and somehow the man still manages to come away thinking he's the victim.

Thanks, I’ve tried to explain it as best I can. The point about the sock drawer or the water jug is that it feels as if I’m never to going to be 100%, and if it’s not the sock drawer it will be something else.

The rest of our relationship is good.

If someone told me the plants were dry I'd say to water them then!
But if something really bugs her, like not closing the sock drawer, would it kill you to just remember and do it?

Reading some of the other replies it seems as if I need to do more. But in terms of mental load, it’s not that there aren’t things that I see and do, but I don’t see the value in criticising my DW about it.

I can see how I can do more.

I think people are being harsh here. I think in a relationship you have to give and take. I am guilty of missing some things as is my partner but we both pull our weight and do things as we go along. It annoys me of he spots an issue like the plants need watering and tells me about it rather than just doing it or asking me outright if I mind doing it. It sounds like hard work to me. I hope it isn't tipping over into bullying .

This has often been cited by people on here, but it's a really good
article
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Honestly, if I noticed the plants were dry, I'd water them. I wouldn't be dropping passive aggressive hints to DH.
This sounds more like a communication issue.
It's very difficult when one half of a couple has different standards to the other. I often wonder why it is that if it's the woman who has the higher standards (ie fretting about a not fully closed sock drawer) then the man is a lazy arse who is not pulling his weight. Yet, if it's a man complaining about how a woman does her share of the housework, there's a pile on saying the man is abusive and LTB immediately. There is an imbalance.
@Seldon I suggest that as your relationship is otherwise good, you sit down at some point soon and really talk to each other, and listen to what each of you says. Make lists if it'll help, find out what is really important to your wife. Hinting and mind-reading attempts and expectations aren't helpful.
A lot of these things around housework are learnt in childhood - what's been modelled by your parents, what your wife saw her father do (maybe he was very tidy etc, or possibly she saw her mother do everything and thought hell no for her relationship with you)
It needs discussion because it's such an individual thing. Good luck.

I think op's wife is being picky here and creating tension. If you interfere you volunteer so she should just do these extra things that bother her if OP pulls his weight.

@DoItAnyway

You don’t need to be praised for taking care of your own home. And what is wrong with simply doing as she says, putting things back and closing things. It’s not that complicated.

This! Just do things properly 🙄

You say it's never going to be 100% but it really can be if you just do these things... it's really not that difficult to put something away after you've used it or close a drawer that, by virtue of you having been in the drawer, you are already stood right next to. By anyone's standards closing a drawer and putting something back after using it is bit an unreasonably high demand.

Is NOT sorry

Is she constantly having to pick up after you? Close doors, drawers, curtains, turn lights off, put things away? Does it appear that you never quite finish a job, there's always a little bit left undone?

That kind of thing makes me hate the other person, because it's as if they think I'm their servant, their personal picking-up-after fairy, which is so presumptuous, disrespectful and uncaring. There's also no care for keeping the house nice, so it's a pleasure to live in.

It sounds as though she's saying something different, that you each do your own tasks, then there are all the other little jobs that are not formally allocated. She'd like to notice and do these yourself, or hear her when she mentions them and do some of them. Otherwise she'll end up doing them all herself. A solution might be to allocate some of them formally, so for example someone takes on responsibility for looking after the plants. There will always be other, extra things, like extra tidying before visitors come. You just need to think of and share those. It also sounds as though she wants to be listened to and for you to care about her experience of living in your home, whereas you're fixated on a formal idea of fairness.

With the leftovers, it sounds like you'd left them out to cool and were going to put them away later. You need to say that but also to show her that you will look after the house and care about it being somewhere you can both relax in. Then she'll believe you about the leftovers and will trust you enough not to ask about them.

The key to keeping the house tidy and organised is to only have to do things once. So you used the sock drawer and should shut it right away otherwise someone will have to revisit that task to shut it. It sounds really petty but if you do this with loads of things, it builds up and will take up time that is no longer insignificant.

I’m assuming she has read the Love Languages thing and is perhaps making statements about how much you show her that you love her. If the rest of your relationship is good can’t you just talk about this too and either agree to formally decide who does what or agree that you both are on the same team anyway so that it doesn’t really matter who does what?

If you think her standards are too high and you don't want to live in such a perfectly tidy home, you need to have a discussion about that. People trying to impose 'too high' standards on other people can be as much of a problem as people's standards being too low. Plants do need watering though, that's not a standard held too high.

Could there be other issues and frustrations that she is expressing obliquely by snapping at you over household tasks?

@lottiegarbanzo

If you think her standards are too high and you don't want to live in such a perfectly tidy home, you need to have a discussion about that. People trying to impose 'too high' standards on other people can be as much of a problem as people's standards being too low. Plants do need watering though, that's not a standard held too high.

Could there be other issues and frustrations that she is expressing obliquely by snapping at you over household tasks?

How is closing a drawer behind you " a high standard"? Its perfectly normal to close a drawer and slovenly and annoying not to. I suspect OP enjoys being the victim of his nagging wife rather than growing up and just shutting the bloody drawer

Many posters seem to be fixated on unfinished jobs - closing sock drawer, fair enough.

I see a lack of effective communication. If you have leftovers in Tupperware which haven't made its way to the fridge, then explain to her you're leaving it to cool before it does.
Instead of saying "The plants are dry." why not explicitly ask you to water the plants.

Perhaps you can talk to her about the way you communicate over these every day little things.

@Templetree you've put your finger right on it. If he respected her he'd have taken her word for it that it's annoying and needs doing. A grown man doesn't need a forum to tell him that if you open a drawer you need to close it, you're taught that as a toddler. But he didn't respect her enough to just get on and bloody do it, he needed to know he was 'right' and that she's a petty nagging wife. It just didn't quite go as planned.