Acts of service - quarrels over daily life

[Seldon]

I'm putting this out there to get an understanding on an issue me and my DW face regularly. In short, we frequently quarrel about tasks in the house that I do not do, or do not do sufficiently well.

I'm genuinely interested to see how we solve this.

The arguments genuinely go along the line where my wife will start to complain about what I see as small things - the water jug not being back in right place or my sock drawer not being closed.

From my perspective, (I don't know if this is a particularly male POV), in the big picture, we divide tasks pretty 50:50. I cook, do the shopping, empty bin, etc. Last night, I'd cooked dinner, made a cup of tea, done the dishes. The wife came along and complained that I hadn't put the water jug back and I had some leftovers that will cooling in a Tupperware box that I hadn't put in the fridge. It feels as I can't win, because the stuff I do simply doesn't count, only the things I miss or don't do.

From my wife's POV, she believes these little tasks show my acts of service to her, that I'm listening when she says "the plants are a bit dry", and I then act on it. It feels to her I'm listening to the subtle instructions, and only focus on the big stuff (that doesn't matter to her).

Any thoughts to help me understand my wife's POV, and to overcome this recurrent problem?

Would you do half a job at work? Acknowledge that it's annoying & fix it. Try reading a book called fair play which aims to make chores equitable

I am a cleaner and work in homes where it really isn't the norm to close drawers, put things away, etc etc. Parents often didn't learn from parents. Some people have parents who do absolutely everything and never taught their kids, other parents were overwhelmed with stuff/clutter. People don't magically know this stuff.
Maybe OPs intentions are good, or maybe he was trying to invite a pile on to his wife. We don't and can't know. But it's not a bad thing to debate how to improve discussion around these issues.

@Seldon

Thanks, I’ve tried to explain it as best I can. The point about the sock drawer or the water jug is that it feels as if I’m never to going to be 100%, and if it’s not the sock drawer it will be something else.

The rest of our relationship is good.

This^

It sounds as if whatever you do will never be enough.

That would be enough for me to leave. Life is too short.

Seems like way too many people get irritated over a sock drawer? Given how much it takes to build a relationship such as attraction, values, parenting, financial compatibility, sexual compatibility I think it's too much to insist on complete compatibility over household standards. Sharing duties, definitely but no one can expect the same exacting standards from a partner all of the time.

I think if a woman was posting and said. I went to work, bought shopping, made dinner, washed up and my husband still managed to complain about a plastic tub on the side everyone would say he is controlling.

Some things grate when you live together, especially through lockdown and no one can expect their partner to meet their "standards" 100% all of the time. A family member use to leave drawers open, wasn't trying to upset anyone just did it as habit and like all habits it takes a while to change.

Op, Just talk to your wife (not The Wife) don't be defensive and just ask her if she really is upset about the tupperware or is there something else. I think both being kind to each other is really important and also "don't sweat the small stuff" but it goes both ways so you have to overlook her issues at times.

I've left tupperware out and forgotten to water plants thankfully no one has criticised me for that. Living like that would be horrible.

So much this @Fireflygal

It sounds as if whatever you do will never be enough.

I suspect this as well. It may not be true but certainly sounds like you believe it and its making you miserable.

Simple things like plants need watering, well why not just do it rather than tell you. You need to let her know how it makes you feel. See if it matters to her go from there.

Do not bring up the little things she does (or doesn't do) that annoy that way lies trouble for you'll quickly find that only your misdemeanours matter.

Its disrespectful to leave drawers open in a shared house.
Who is that person expecting to close it then if they dont?
I would love to hear from his wife.
A few drawers my arse!
I bet its endless -drawers, socks, clothes, tools, packaging, crumbs etc.
Its soul destroying living with a person like this, you end up loving it when they are not there and you realise life is so much easier
No one likes housework and chores but a disrespectful tool who then messes it up is the final straw and ultimately a sign of how they disrespect you.

Your wife sounds very fussy...
Do you know Ogden Nash?

Which the Chicken and Which the Egg?

He drinks because she scolds, he thinks;
She thinks she scolds because he drinks;
And nether will admit what's true,
That he's a sot and she's a shrew.”

― Ogden Nash

Drawers left unclosed, clothes not quite in the laundry bag, crumbs left on the side, not quite all the dishes put back after unloading the dishwasher, bins put out without emptying the kitchen bin first - just do the jobs properly please... oh no, that’s my DH I’m talking to there ...

She sounds picky. Who cares if the sock drawer is open??

No one likes housework and chores but a disrespectful tool who then messes it up is the final straw and ultimately a sign of how they disrespect you.

Also disrespectful if they criticise everything you do.

If they do have a decent relationship then he needs to talk to her about it as otherwise resentment will grow.

I think she sounds hard work.

Although none of us on here know whether you are genuinely doing your share and being nit-picked, or whether you are a lazy slob and your DW is at her wits' end with having to manage your performance. What is very clear is that you have differing standards of tidiness.

I'm not a tidy person so I often side by the messier partner in this sort of thread, but I do have to say - of the three examples you gave, only the one about the cooling food sounds unfair on you. Did you explain that the food was still cooling and you would put it away later? If so, what was her response?

Leaving drawers open is just pointless unless you enjoy constantly banging your legs on stuff and your clothes getting dusty. Why not just shut the fucking thing while you're actually stood right there ? (I'm assuming you left it wide open, not a half-inch because a stray sock was stopping it from closing fully.)

The water jug - I guess this depends on where the "right" place is, and why. If it's that your wife likes it by the kettle and you left it by the toaster, then she's being picky. If by the "right place" you mean you left it out when it should have gone back in the fridge, or it should have been emptied and washed, then you're being a lazy tit again.

If your DW is having to follow you around finishing tasks that you started and didn't finish, then I'm not surprised she's pissed off, and you're not doing nearly 50% of the chores, are you? You're doing 50% of 50%, so that's 25%, and your DW is doing 75%. Still sound fair?

Her saying "the plants are dry" is just passive-aggressive bullshit though.

All this talk of lack of respect for leaving a drawer open...get over yourselves. Some times people make mistakes, get distracted because they are human. If you feel disrespected by this then I suspect you are easily offended. Irritation you may feel but disrespected...way over the top

I have a SIL like this. She is horrendous to live with or even visit. Everyone walks on eggshells around her because her rules dominate. The house is immaculate and a show home but not a place where anyone relaxes.

If everything else is good in the relationship, why would you bother picking at your spouse like this? It destroys marriages if you constantly find fault with a partner over minor issues.

If I see a drawer open I close it. A plant needs watering then I water it, and if something is in the wrong place I could not care less. When they are nailing me into my wooden box I will not be thinking 'Oh I wonder if that drawer is closed'. I would suggest that there are other underlying issues that present themselves as irritations elsewhere.

The OP titled the thread 'acts of service' and this is very different to the content of the post. If the OP's wife shows her love via acts of service then maybe she has the belief that other people show their love in the same way. This of course is not true and the OP may value quality time or something else.

The two points are saying the same thing. Communicate to your wife and get on the same page with the understanding of you love languages. It may be the case that your expectations of how you measure love are different. It can not always be resolved but you can get closer with communication and effort by both parties.

Unfinished jobs and a general lack of care and attention to keeping the house in some sort of order would just piss me off immensely.

Leaving taps dripping, cupboards and drawers open, crumbs and splashes on the worktop, overfilling bins, toilet seats up, hairs all over the sink etc.. It’s just unnecessary not to do those things and surely doesn’t need to be thought about.

@Cockenspiel

Unfinished jobs and a general lack of care and attention to keeping the house in some sort of order would just piss me off immensely.

Leaving taps dripping, cupboards and drawers open, crumbs and splashes on the worktop, overfilling bins, toilet seats up, hairs all over the sink etc.. It’s just unnecessary not to do those things and surely doesn’t need to be thought about.

This Also bollocks to " acts of service/ love" Clear up after yourself, its called being an adult.

"The plants are a bit dry" is not a directive. it's a statement of fact. If it's meant to be a directive, then you have a communication problem.

@Unanananana

Being male has literally nothing to do with it. Its your home too. She shouldn't have to point stuff out to you and you shouldn't expect medals for participating in taking care of your joint home and helping with the mental load.

Not closing drawers is slovenly as well as dangerous. If they are low down, they could be tripped on. Is it really so hard to shut a drawer after taking something out?

You need to sit down and physically write out everything you both do. You might be shocked to find it is not quite so 50/50. Do you both work full time?

This.

@Seldon The stuff you mentioned are basic things people should automatically do around the house

When I saw "acts of service " in the title I was expecting your wife was demanding major things from you. Why can't you just put leftovers in the fridge and put away the water jug so things are tidy and food is safely stored away as it should be (you shouldn't be leaving food leftovers at room temperature for long)?
If you don't do these things, the whole point is that it ends up being her that has to do them, so you're creating work for her. They may seem minor but over time it gets extremely frustrating if you have a habit of doing such things and shows you're not considerate of her.

@buckeejit

Would you do half a job at work? Acknowledge that it's annoying & fix it. Try reading a book called fair play which aims to make chores equitable

This is such a good point. Most men put maximum effort in their day jobs but are happy being half arsed and lazy at home. I bet if their boss pointed out unfinished jobs they wouldn't say their boss is nagging or unreasonable much less make a thread about it. And more to the point, I'm sure they'd brush up their act and not do an unfinished job again. Yet somehow his very own wife, who he's meant to live and be his life partner, is apparently not worthy of that same level of respect.

*meant to love

DH never ever wipes the kitchen surfaces. Maybe he feels that he's washed up and cleared up etc so I should give him a break but in my eyes if you haven't wiped the surfaces you haven't finished the job.

The question is why do you think she would ask you to do it if it didn't need doing it if it were fairer if she just did it and didn't ask you? Do you think she just enjoys nagging you or she's lazy? Because if it's either you have bigger problems than you think -- but it probably isn't is it?

This is not all on you. It's up to her to handle her reaction in a better way rather than

If I cooked, made a cup of tea and then washed up and my partner then berated me for not putting a water jug away that would make me feel like total shit, and I wouldn't want to feel on edge like that in my own home like if I didn't get something exactly right or complete a job exactly right each time that he would be annoyed with me and start moaning about love languages and so on.

Saying "the plants are a bit dry" hinting at you to water them and then sitting and waiting to see if you do it or not so she can complain about you not showing her love with her love language is just petty and point scoring and it's not a healthy way to have a relationship at all.

I've never read the love languages book but have obviously heard about it here and there. I'm sure that either that book or follow ons/spin offs won't just say ok work out what your love language is and then tell your partner and then they know how to show you they love you....so if they fail to follow your love language to the letter then that means they don't love you as much as they should sorry!!

Surely it has advice on not taking small things personally, to not assume that someone doesn't love you if they don't fulfil your love language to the exact requirement you want and that most of all compromise and understanding is what is needed in a relationship!