DH states he needs telling what to do as can't see my perspective

[Takwxiab2]

Ongoing and frequent arguments with DH which have been around him needing to step up more with household chores and support with toddler who doesn't sleep at night.

I really do love him and when we are away from the house and work and we are elaxed we have a lovely time, he is a great father to our child (in all other aspects not at doing his household fair share)

The conclusion he has said thoug is basically along the lines of I have done everything for so long (he admits this isn't right but its the way things have happened in our relationship) and I agree i have not let go of the reins of stuff or left him to do stuff (because I've always got annoyed of waiting or asking!)

But he has admitted that he doesn't think he will ever change in knowing what needs to be done but that he will do whatever needs to be done without issue but I need to tell him.

Now obviously my hope is that in time he wouldn't need telling eveeything once we've sat down and listed all the stuff include mental workload and over time he will just do it.

But I have always suspect he may have ADHD or fall onto the spectrum and I know this can be a part of that e.g. is inability to organise themselves or see things from other perspectives. Which from some specifics tonight he has admitted he cannot see my perceptive or he thinks we both do things that are frustrating but I see them as different things.

I guess i wondered if anyone has got a similar partner who they have to repeatedly tell them what needs doing. My biggest fear is that I will still feel that I am his mum to a teenager. I know I've got to give it a go for our marriage and our child though and see if things improve because other than him not contributing to household/mental workload all else is fairly good. Lack of sex is an issue for both of us currently but genuinely it is down to tireness and exhaustion from life currently (full disclaimer he does shifts so I do appreciate he is tired after a run of shifts and I am not expecting anything during shift blocks - more on his days off- despite the fact he is tired as I am too from unbroken sleep and Working and everything else in life)

Thank you for your perspective. I often find talking stuff on a forum helpful.

The best piece of advice my counsellor gave me was, "if you don't step back how can you ever expect them to step forward". At the time it ember thinking... what on earth are you talking about, of course I've stepped back, this is why we're in this horrendous circle of me having to remind him EVERY TIME something needed to be done.

You know what though... when I genuinely stepped back and left bits that needed doing, e.g. the washing, the cleaning, washing up... it was amazing as it never got left. Maybe I just have a goodun that I was smothering but it might be worth a shot?

Give him whole tasks to do not individual parts, and make sure they are things that will immediately effect him if not done.

For example - laundry management is his job. He needs to wash, dry and put everything away. If laundry isn’t done and he runs out of clothes it is a problem.
Make shopping, cooking and dishwashing his domain. Needs to be done.

The things that he can happily ignore “doesn’t see” can be your jobs eg hoovering, changing beds, bathrooms.

Strictly take turns with child night duty and weekend lie ins.

Bollox, he is just bone idle and wants a live in servant like most men.
What's in it for him learning how to do anything?
He isn't a good father, he is teaching your child that treating you like crap is fine while he sits about doing nothing.
I'd have booted him out already, I have no time for this crap.

I found ways to step back from the "house manager" role.

For example we have a blackboard where things can be added to shopping list (by both of us), the meals we are supposed to be having this week (so its no longer "what are we having for dinner" as there is a list with links to recipies to prepare!), a to do list.

We also use a chore app (tody?) Which allows for everyone to see the chores that need doing today, the tasks have a frequency to set (eg a reminder for empty bin weekly, or change bed fortnightly) so chores auto generate so its helps as the big mean app telling us what to do (not me!). It also allows you to delegate certain tasks and is good for reminding of non obvious tasks.

Be doesn’t know what needs doing but if you don’t wash the plates, wash his laundry or cook the penny will drop.

Alternatively you sit down with him and together list and allocate all the household jobs

What is his job/career? Does he "need telling" at work too? Or does he take charge and use his initiative?

He’s not a great father when he’s demonstrating everyday sexism to his child by expecting you to tell him everything that needs doing everytime it needs doing. Also no sex. What’s there to like about him?

If he does have ASD / ADHD then he is likely to struggle with executive function - BUT may also find routine useful.

I have ASD and my executive function is awful. I would not want my partner to 'manage' me because that would make me feel terrible, but I use the Team TOMM app for a decent idea of what needs doing each day, even if I only do the 15 minute whip round and not the daily room clean. I have an A3 piece of paper pinned up with a list of things that must be done before going to bed. Some things like cleaning the bathroom are my job and I make sure that is done. It's taken a lot of trial and error for me to get to this stage though, it wasn't an overnight process.

Lots and lots and lots of markers there for ASD. Maxine Aston is a good place to start in reading about being married to someone with ASD.
He won’t change. You can manage him but he won’t be capable of the initiative required. That’s not his fault, but it doesn’t make things any easier for you. The lack of sex is also v v common in ASD men.

What works fairly well for us is to have defined chores that we are responsible for. For example, I cook and he loads the dishwasher. When the food shop is delivered, I put away the cupboard stuff and he does the fridge/freezer as he's better at squeezing it all in. Whoever isn't putting DS to bed tidies the toys away, etc.

I find it really helps for each of us to know what we have to do and therefore avoid resentment. That's not to say there aren't loads of tiny adhoc things that I notice and he doesn't but he does other things like get up early to get DS ready for nursery so it all evens out in the end!

You can manage him but he won’t be capable of the initiative required.

Assuming OP's DH is indeed autistic, executive function problems don't mean we are short of initiative. You might have encountered someone who is autistic and has no initiative but don't assume that's all autistic people. Lots (a majority?) of us have good problem solving skills once we've identified the problem - sometimes we are criticised for leaping straight to problem solving rather than sympathising first.

My dh was a bit like yours and at first l thought he was taking the lazy option but he works hard when he knows what to do so it's more of an organisational thing. So l wrote a list of everything that needs to be done and he looks at lists and does as much as he can in time he has. There are always little things l do that he never sees but overall doing lots of chores that reduce my workload is what l want. Also if l'm away..precovid ..he knows to have everything on the list done so l don't come home to a mess. After a good while with the lists things have become more automatic for him. And he does a lot of stuff l never do eg gardening both car maintenance, fixing bits dealing with maintenance workers etc etc so l feel it's pretty even.

In workplaces I've seen what a change it can make to people when they are given responsibilities or domains to look after. It has its downsides, but people find it easier to know what to focus on. I've seen things go tits-up in a team when everyone was expected to do every task whenever it needed doing and it just didn't work. Everyone took what they were doing a lot more seriously when they felt they were given responsibility and ownership of a certain domain.

Sit down and agree with each other what that will look like for you. One person is in charge or the laundry - you both need to come to an agreement of what you both find unacceptable in doing that task so that one person doesn't expect the house to be hoovered every 3 days and the other think it's fine ti do it once or twice a month. You need to come to an agreement as to the quality of the said task to - would you both agree that skirting boards and little tricky corners need to be hoovered every time or not? Not everyone doesn't. Smoothing out these issues beforehand will minimise any argument that may arise from the task not being done to a certain level.

Christ the comments about 'your husband is a bad father as he is perpetuating everyday sexism' and 'he is bone idle like all men are' are just so boring. Not every situation is that simple. OP has stated there may be some other issues at play here and it seems she has just done things herself for a long time rather than addressing it which is how it's got to where it is.

OP give him things to do that are consistently his own task and at no point step in, give your view or resent the quality of his work unless he asks you to. Offer to show him the way you do it but tell him its just how you do it and he may want to do it differently but that's OK as long as its done.

@KarmaViolet maybe initiative was the wrong word - apologies. What I’m getting at is the ability to think a few steps ahead, predict the likely outcome and then choose the appropriate thing to do, rather than as you say, leaping in and successfully solving one bit of it.

@CallmeHendricks

What is his job/career? Does he "need telling" at work too? Or does he take charge and use his initiative?

^ This.

Is he as hopeless as this at work? Does he need constant supervision and to be told every single thing that needs doing? No, of course he doesn't.

He's being a lazy inconsiderate arse at home.

Also wondering if he is the same at work. Does he have a junior position with no autonomy?

@Tankflybosswalkjam yes that's absolutely fair enough, I think what you're talking about is theory of mind, and yes, most autistic people find that hard - me included!

Does he need to be told how to drive a car?

Does his boss start every work day telling him what he needs to do?

Does he need instruction to put food in his mouth?

No ....

@Barcodes we do exactly the same !
I do the board on the fridge for meals and plan the meals weekly. We decide what chores need doing that week and split them. Then when things come up like car insurance, we have a reminder that s due and then decide which one of us is sorting it. In the evenings after the kids are in bed we both sort the house out and get things ready for the next day. We both don't sit down to relax until all the jobs are done

My dh does not notice the 'little' things - like the laundry basket is full and his sock drawer is empty. But, as pp suggested, he is fine with having complete 'control' over whole tasks. He does all food shopping and cooking, and diy. I do all cleaning and laundry. (Tiny flat so works out about the same and I actually HATE shopping and cooking!).

I accept that the little things like putting cushions back on sofa of they fall off will always be down to me. But I get breakfast in bed all weekend!

We tried the sharing chores or having turns, but it just ended up in frustration for me and confusion for him.

However, we have no dc and I'm not sure how would this separation of responsibilities would work with dc in the mix.

My DH is similar; he doesn’t seem to think and notice things and we had many arguments where I said I don’t want to be the one always telling him what to do and I want him to use his initiative. At a certain point I realised we were going round in circles so instead I divided jobs up in the house a bit more so he does the bins, he washes his work clothes, he sorts out dinner at the weekends, he sorts out certain bills. It’s part of his routine now so mostly he doesn’t forget.
If there’s other things that aren’t regular jobs then I do ask him to do other things but now that it’s not me constantly asking him to do things it doesn’t irritate me as much.
I wish he was someone who would notice that things need doing but he just isn’t and I’ve finally accepted that.

This is a common problem: my dh was the same but we've progressed. A list/timetable could help. I'd also really recommend the book fair play which acknowledges the problem & provides a way to eventually split all the chores

Mmmmm, there are some markers for autism spectrum.....if you think this then you might want to get him diagnosed and work together to manage the marriage knowing what you are dealing with? He might not just be a lazy arse. You need to speak to him in plain language, no emotion or upset behind it and work out a plan of what he needs to do because this will happen if it is not done. If he is on the spectrum he will never see your perspective and thats what you need to come to terms with and work around for a successful partnership. There is lots of information out there about this. However, if he is just a lazy arse then just sit him down, tell him what you want him to do and if its not done then x,y,z will happen. Then step completely away from everything and see what happens.